Onam 2024

This afternoon, while I was helping mom to remove the steamed cooked idlies; by scooping them out from the steamer tray with the help of a spoon, thought crossed my mind. What better way to celebrate Onam :)....Having my favourite idlies!

 🥰. I also recalled a chat conversation 

"Him : Do you have roots in Chennai?

Me : Nope. Was here for some personal work.

Him : Oh k k, Seeing ur posts I thought you have some roots or hold in Chennai

Me : 🤣🤣 noo no. Or if I have one... I am not aware...🤷🏼‍♀️"

with my a classmate long ago. For one of my whatsApp status post which was from a temple surrounding in Chennai and there were few toy shops which sold miniature toys of all sorts, especially Indian kitchen equipments and I was transported to my childhood for those hours that I breathed in those lanes, carefully observing the intricate details of those miniatures and being on awe.

Back to Onam celebrations! The truth is I was totally unaware and during a conversation with a friend this morning, learned that it's onam today. For me now, I have been celebrating Onam since almost two weeks! How? Well, one week after mom arrived, we both were invited by an ex-neighbours to attend the early Onam celebrations at her apartments and she herself was participating in the traditional dance and suggested that it would be a new experience for mom. then what?

On that weekend, we arrived early at my friend's apartment and knowing she would be busy with getting ready for her Dance, we dint bother her. It was also the time of Jain Paryushan, Mom and me decided to take early dinner. We enjoyed chilled tender coconut milkshake, Podi dosas (avoiding Onion or Potatoes) and headed for the main gate of the apartment where procession was about to begin. 

It was slightly sunny so we looked for some shade and sat at the elevated platforms around the entrance of one of the buildings in that apartment. Next two us were two elderly Malayali ladies who later educated us with the history of Onam when we asked about the man who was dressed as a yaksha and the role he played.

We saw kids dressed in traditional Onam attire, women's were all clad in beautiful white and golden sarees and all had donned similar hairstyles of that of buns and decorated it with white flower garland (Gajra). Few men were wearing Mundu and colorful shirts.  It was a colorful, cheerful evening with a soulful musics, dance and the ambience of festivities. Thanks to the friend who invited us. 

--

Today, while walking back from my morning walk and vegetables shopping, I noticed bright yellow flowers, at some places Parijata and somewhere orange flowers laying all along the roads under the trees that bore them. I looked up at sky and those trees and thanked for their selfless gesture and how in true spirit of Onam they decorated mother Earth. 

-- 

Since, mom is still resting from her sprained knee, we had limited options to keep her busy and given it was weekend for me, I pulled her to the balcony to practice some dotted kolam.

I expressed that I love kolam and how I so dearly wanted to skill it by practicing it...like a true native. I also shared with her the many benefits of Kolam, how it was meant to be done using rice power to offer food to birds and ants in the early morning hours i.e. bramha muhurt and how it was great for mental and pschycial health of the women. 

We both enjoyed that time (atleast, I did)

--

From long time mom has been asking to get some earthenware for cooking and seems she loves it. Finally, we bought a multipurpose pot with a lid last week and prepared it by soaking in water for approx 24 hours, then dried in sun and applied oil and heated them on high flame. It is believed that this way, the pores gets closed. which possibly can damage the earthen pots with cracks.

And to allow mom some rest, I cooked mix-veg green pulao as my first meal in that pot. The whole experience was soulful, I was so attuned to how the earthen pot is so accommodating and kind, it enhanced the foods flavour multifold. Just that cooking was so therapeutic and when I served the meals to mom the expression of "wow" on her face was my reward. She thoroughly enjoyed it and my soul was deeply satisfied with Mom's appreciation.

Like a cello tape to the torn mat of my life.

And then, life catches up...

Maa, Like a cello tape to the torn mat of my life.

We both were about to sit for dinner and usually, we sit on floor to eat; I got a call, from my friend whose call I had missed a couple of times, so I dialed her.

Mom, was arranging food and plates for our dinner and was about to sit, meantime I was having soup and was on call. Suddenly mom, started to cry in pain from the sprained nerve in her knee while she was about to sit down. She was fixated in that half laid pose, and wasn't able to move her right knee. 

We both decided that we shall see if it's ok for some time, else we look for medical aid. We ate dinner, I cleaned the dishes and kitchen; got on few office calls...she was watching a movie from my laptop and later when I came back to her room, she said she isn't able to move and wanted to use washroom.

For almost 45 mins we struggled ...first to lift her up to make her sit on the bed from floor and then to straighten her back on bed so that she can lie down straight. I checked a few YouTube shorts to see how to unlock a locked knee...she also felt related and wanted to try that herself but she was struggling. In that whole episode I went thru a million thoughts and emotions and observations and I am deeply surprised by my own evolution at emotional level.

I noticed she wasn't able to trust me or completely give-in to the moment, I checked what am I feeling and I was at ease and at heart I knew there wasn't anything serious with her knee, In and out, I experienced  bit of pain and sadness for lack of her validation and trust but I spoke to myself and told, for now you are the only support to her and you need to stay calm and understand she is experiencing pain and her behaviour is bound to be such. I was observing things thru the lens of a mother's wound, knowing that it is passed from generations and how it would have impacted her? At moments and a few times earlier I had this thought - did my birth took away my Mom's freedom? Was she even willing to have me as her baby or was she into it, out of her obligation to family, society etc....,

Then I got back to the current moment and messaged a nearby Physiotherapist and seeked his forgiveness for disturbing at this hour (slightly toward 11.15pm). He was a kind doctor and replied back, I asked if I can do a video call. He agreed and after checking the situation, he recommended to apply ice pack for now and wrap the knee with a cotton veil. 

I then checked with downstairs neighbour if she has ice and she being a medical faculty in college came to visit mom and agreed to Doctor's suggestions. 

After another hour, mom was able to pass loo using a make shift arrangement. Mom felt slightly better and opened up about her other pains etc. I was surprised and now wonder, perhaps, she never was attended with this concern or care; but was expected to fight for every small stuff in her life - from financial wellbeing to ease to enough resources for her kids etc....and she became a rebel. 

As I slipped in an out of my thoughts and feelings, I also realised I am not as bad a daughter to her as I had started to feel for myself or would feel when I am too low, I loved myself a little more today knowing that if time comes I would be self sufficient and I am capable of managing things on my own. 

My thoughts took me to memories of recent past and few people associated with it, I felt a sudden awakening of a sort that let me come to terms that sometimes we all are too occupied in our individual lives and the nearest surrounding. I felt gratitude for whatever took place in that recent past, probably that was a nudge in my way to pull me out of my delusional life to bring me to reality. 

Know and feel, aging is real, age related pains or troubles are real, there is no escape but one can choose to accept and walk or walk along. 

Just when I tucked mum in her bed, and was cleaning her surrounding and rearranging stuff that was all around her bed, I saw the table mat, that we use to place on floor before dinner arrangement and it was crumpled and lying upside down in one corner. I went to lift it up and saw that there are few cello tapes pasted on one patch which was torn. 

I remembered, this morning mom had called while I was in office and she asked me if I have cello tape. My thought was -  probably she mistakenly broke something and she may want to fix it or tie something in kitchen but I was wrong...

(With gratitude in my heart for many events, the nearby doctor, neighbours, things, people, love, comfort and bliss; + forgiveness to self and others whom I held wrong in my heart...I sign off)

Takecare✍️🙏

Thirty five thousand five hundred

Wokeup in middle of my sleep at around 1.45 am IST and I was reminded of my call conversation with Dad, from previous day noon.

I had called him to discuss about his Bangalore visit, possible knee healing thru ayurvedic treatment and sometime together. 

I remembered, our discussion got shifted to the new farm project he is busy with, vermi compost beds, investments and finances etc and one of his words rang in my ears in those wee hours - "I got my payment from the recent sale of crop and I do have an excess of 35000 INR and if you need I will transfer it to you."

Because it was in the quite hours of midnight, I felt my emotions amplified, I wept unconsciously and tried hard to control myself.  What hit me the most was the knowledge that my Dad would have never have had a regular income or a sort of paycheck similar to mine (in value) and for him this small amount is of paramount value and what was more touching was his humility and generous offer.

One part of my heart was gleefully happy to feel that safety net shielded by Dad's wings and the other was immensely heavy to just imagine what his journey could have been with two kids to takecare off, a demanding wife who comes from an affluent family, a joint family etc, the emotional load that he would have born at the end of every month when his or his family's needs would not be met (financially). I am not exactly sure what tore me apart that night....guilt and regret for being in a previledged position, financially; or just the experience of the depth of his troubles that he would have fought alone...

"Dear Papa, My Love and Prayers for your wellbeing and ease🙏"

Notes from my first US trip (23rd Feb - 9th March 2024)

(So, I had to push myself out to a new feel factor, a fresh perspective something to detach from that of habitual emotional downtime to a more refreshing one for the day and what better way to look back at the magical memories and also check ✅ the pending task of Blogging about that memorable trip. And I am picking the one to The US which I would have never ever imagined will ever happen in my life and definately not thru my work but it happened! And I am still in that mode of disbelief that I could do it all by myself. And before I embark on another one, lineup again for this year.. sooner, I had to take this time to brush my heart and allow more grace and gratitude, after all life is not as hard as I feel at emotional levels...coz I feel too much :()

23rd Feb 

@BLR Airport Internal lounge (BLR to SFO)

Business class access made a lot of difference via priority check-in. Shorter Ques, zero waiting time and easy breezy access was a soothing experience for a country like India.

Sitting under the lantana canopy I am reflecting on the feeling of how awesome it feels to be here in this Royal moments of life, bliss and ease.

Truly and deeply thank you to my current employer. Heartfelt gratitude.

Meeting flight attendant name "Don't be afraid" (Serbian Name : Nebojša) and that to me looked like a message from the universe.

At Dubai Business lounge saw Katrina Kaif.

DXB-SFO : the experience of lounge wear, vanity kit, and special attention (I was shying away from). Hot face towels are one of most favourite thing and was the best feeling up in the air and away from home...cozy and comforting.

😢 Crying inconsolably on Flight after watching Nambi Narayanan. So much of flux of emotions....(Tragic! a 38 yr old crying like this 😔 and I think movie was that last prick to burst the emotional bubble I was holding from so long)

The surname reminded me of someone, the demeanour the courageous personality of Nambi Sir reminds me of my Sir..the grace of Mr.Nambi's wife inspires me to be one that strong (if at all..🤷‍♀️)

Playlist - Rehman rewind Romance ("The Mozart of Madras"). Listening to AR Rehman, up in the air was a soulful event.. experiencing that heart touching soulful voice even though I do not understand a bit from those Tamil songs.

Fun part was also the meals I have been taking and what they consider exclusive for Biz class Vegetarian meals (my mom would give them a proper lecture and can teach them better cooking skills) and drinking so much water and passing loo. Strangely, I felt it takes more effort in washroom to pass loo ...may be the pressure above in the sky:P

After another round of heavy meal I dozed off. Had Baklawa and an amazing potato chips from Ireland, collected some chocolates for Reshma and her family :). 

Wrapping up the 16 hrs flight with Ahista Ahista song by Punkaj udhas. Watched another amazing movie  The inventor (Animated) and it had a beautiful message about life, soul ❤️.

With music in my ears...I am doing a self check-in as to how am I feeling and in what part of my body do I feel certain emotions....

Had landed on a Friday late noon and from the 1st driver to everyone I met, be it the front desk executives, some Indians I met in walkways or lift of my hotel, my ex-manager who suggested me to step out (do cruise & Muir Woods), the message was collectively poured on me and seeded in my brain that "the weather is so Good and you are lucky to have got few sunny days ahead of you so do not stay put! Step out."

And untill the coming Monday I wondered why people fuss so much about weather here :)

🪶

24 -02- 2024 (see the Number..magic?)

MTV - SFO - MTV (My very first experience with Caltrain, Bay view cruise + 3 SFO attractions, China Town parade (Dragon Year), spanish speaking driver)

(These notes are abrupt and a very concise description of all that happened (or may be only highlights...not all. Coz US calls for a lot of walking...and at the end my body would get exhausted with all the planning, running around etc but thanks to someone (Vaishali) I met on one of my flight back from home, before this US trip and who guided me that I shouldn't be carrying any 👠 heels. The shocking thing for me was that I just needed that nudge from God ...as I wasn't mentally ready for my US trip but he put this girl right next to me to handhold me and how we started to interact was pure magic)

someone playing - "500 miles" song on Caltrain. The song made me feel home...I was so attentive and was trying hard to combat that feeling of 'similarity' a deep sense of belonging but I wasn't able to connect what and where ....more so because this was the first time I have ever heard this song...

Only to learn (after returning to India) that it was same music as " Jab koi baat Bigad jaae' 💕 How apt!! God seriously knows how to tease me and keep me busy!

My biggest achievements use to be savings! and why not?. Someone earning in INR made to spend in USD, that too with a hard wiring of humble beginnings. So I learned about different public transports and the best one was that of Bus in $3 (clipper card) - Indeed a new adventure.

Same time my over confidence almost killed me :(.. I walked from Pier 39 upto Union square for Chinese parade . Initially, with a lot of enthusiasm - pumped after a cup of hot chocolate which later turned to panic and shock mid way, seeing a wavy road that I have only seen in Tom & Jerry cartoon and my mind started to cook-up scary stories of tornadoes etc....but then the beautiful architecture, the bright shining sun thru the tall bushy trees took away my fear and I paused to soak it in my breath , that calmness and beauty.

Walking back to Caltrain at SFO at night with dead phone battery

--

I met Katheryn (51 yrs) on my northbound Caltrain and said 'hello' to her to verify if the tickets I collected from the automatic dispenser machine is correct for my destination....and how we became friends. I learned that she was traveling in train after a long time...and that too just because her husband was resting after his knee surgery. I somewhere felt this was a connection. Her first response to me was " Hi Sweety! How can i help?" (In my mind,  I was like - what? really? am I some one so Softspoken or sweet? Definitely, she doesn't know me! And I was struggling to take that so call normal greetings😼)

She checked my ticket and said that I have missed collecting ticket for zone 2 to zone 1 and can do so while returning as it was a day pass and was also late for me to act as we had boarded the train and to mark it exclusive (for me) - the train that day came on opposite platform from that of assigned one owing to some renovation work. She assured me that no one will check my ticket again and I can continue to travel till SFO in the same ticket (meant for zone 2) and not the complete journey :) .She too was traveling to SFO . (This was an eye opening experience where I learned that sometimes the 'chalta hai' attitude works in US too 😉

well, this note is a bit jumbled-up as I was drawing it from my memory, late at night and a day which was super exhausting but highly eventful.
At Pier 39, after my 90 mins cruise, I had to survive on the 'dink Ladoos', yoga Bar due to Limited vegetarian options around but I indulged happily with the Hot chocolate at Bischoff 💖 and live band at Pier. what a vibe!

As I got late from train station to Pier 39 this morning and I had to pay extra 5$ and take an upgraded cruise of  90 mins instead of 60 mins as was originally planned but I was more than happy !!

towards Chatting with driver in Spanish😃 thanks to Google translate

Ate great Indian meals at my accommodation suits.

🪶

25 Feb 2024

"Scorpio" A love letter (book by Heidi Rose). bay view suites

Passion, personality and prompts. Loved that mini book of love , encouragement and power of depth of understanding self."

Evenings, I am back in my hotel, which was located amidst the centre of vast open grass fields, surrounded by mountain ranges spread far off till I could see and the room window faced a few ponds with swans in it. The view of these ponds from my window was so pristine and a blessing I can't get enough with.

The area was too remote, isolated and with the setting sun, cold will increase and it would make me feel more alone but then few things that kept me warm were the fact that this is all just passing moments and I should cherish them, plus, hot chocolate at the Micro kitchen and a warm cozy small library with many short-read books like "Scorpio".

Good night Love (Ruu).            

(I would steal moments to take notes and it would start from where I had left the previous day, but by then the day would have turned into night or visa-versa. And all these Goodmornings or good night's are a result of that 🤷‍♀️😅)

With the cruise ticket that I had purchased online, I had additional 3 places I could visit and amongst those one that lured me was - Academy of Sciences,  Woke-up with the thought to catch 7:40 am Caltrain to SFO, but after a lot of research on train timings and sight seeing places that are open for visitors,  I decided to keep things minimal for myself and stay focused. That really helped me thru the day as I wasn't prepared for the trail walk that was coming my way at Muir woods.

New entrant Clipper card (savings!)

Boudin bakery 

Pier 39

The feelings I felt for seeking charger at the bus depot (a bit aahamed, but it's ok I need to be kind to myself and know not everyone like sharing or think so for atleast mobile chargers)

The walk near boudin Bakery.

@Bus tour started....going around the lane, history, famous chocolate factory Ghirardelli, A school named after Basketball player, the beautiful homes and lanes and drainage systems and doors...

Sadly no people, no smiling people or very few.

A vibe full of fear.

Anyways I was on my way to fulfilling the most amazing bucket list of getting to do the Muir Woods :)...and that reassurance in Big Bold letter sending Love my way...and it appeared at a display board at Gas stations where Petrol prices all listed as 43.1, 4.31, 341 etc etc...love is all I could hear and feel in my heart and in the air around...one that is universal.

The charger saga, the amazing Driver and laughter we had in the trip and how 5 mins delay from me  was too much that I was made to walk a few steps closer to the bus and then catch the bus :).

I took long healing walks in the Muir Woods, getting to chat with a volunteer at the entrance who explained about the age reading of trees via reading the circles, the new technology to learn that by only precision scooping or a radial circular piece and fixing them back with an ointment or makesure the tree is kept healthy and no damage happens.

How the Red wood trees have such different levels of leave growth and beauty that it is each diff. At three diff. Height segments of the length. the mesmerizing thing that they grown in family family circle. They grow another burb which is a mass like structure developing near the root or any other part of the whole Teunk of the tree, which is where another tree shoot would crop up but the trees doesn't want them to be cultivated by Humans or by external resources but want to be self sustaining. Such deep sense of resilience and confidence n revival. pure magic.

Also, enjoyed the quite time thanking the universe that bought me to witness thesw magical Woods and thanks to Mayank Talati (My ex manager who suggested me go and checkout those).

Then the Sausalito bonus trip as ainhad loved the name and place in the first look I saw on a online booking tool and how I requested God to help me finalize n secure a group tour which is well in my time reach (balancing commute from MTV to San Francisco to Pier 39/ Big Bus depot)...and it happened...just a decision away.

Sometimes the compactness of life makes us willing to open up to new adventures and get out of comfort n expand that horizon of comfortness.

Enjoyed staring at beautiful high-end cars and icecream (later resulted in stomach cramps). Somehow I made it back to MTV after 1.5 hours of train journey and 30mins cab without throwing up or passing out or pooping in pants...(God's grace🙏)

I had great chat with reception folks and also learning about the picnic basket she bought from a local fair. 

Had great idlis ordered for dinner and a deep relaxing sleep after a bath. 

I did started to get the feeling of missing home and returning back but I braced my up by telling to focus on little milestones...one day at a time .

Over all the day was 

blissful . Thank God and love.

26 Feb

Wohooo! Started my day at 8.30 after snoozing my alarm for the third time. As the day unfolded I got busy with balancing IST meeting request from managers and others plus changing schedules on my own calendar.

The biggest surprise came when I learnt that Google in Mountain view is not just one building, but it's a whole village and has many many buildings and that was a Burma created a panic but at the same time fun as I was thinking about it and how my mind was working at was very innocent.

Soundarya introduced me to the short trip app I headed to meet her for lunch. Had a greater lunch. Learned a lot about her life style. After moving to States then met Megan , walked back and found a new way from MTV to bay view.

Met Jenny and chut chatted about many things our work, career, family, tough times etc. all at an amazing location and over a chai.

It was so amazing to get me people of one and one learn about many things and share my knowledge.

Had a great evening meeting Marcia for dinner.

Long career discussions and the challanges and navigating them etc etc. over all the Tesla ride and chitchat while she was at BVS to drop me helped me clear my mind out and carve a way out for my upcoming meetings.

I was wondering what was something that I still remember effortlessly about my day and that was: the little gift I got for all of them :)

Few incense sticks and crochet bookmarks 💕. They loved it and it leaves back a memory or me with them :)

Happiness and grace. Also the long group call with family chat group helps me feel connected and stay sane. And offcourse a simple blurting call with SIF helps me be me. Wishing wellbeing for all. Sabka Mangal ho. I do miss him in bouts and long for... at days, moments, air or listening to songs.

Still I know it's in best intrest of all and M on my path of duty over desire and my heart is at peace 🕊️.

Thank you.

Experienced the third weather after so called bright n Sunnyv days .... Rains, cloudy n rainy💕

27 Feb

Ladoos

Bookmarks

Incense sticks

Charger

Pp and purse+ scan receipts

Water bottle check

Book luggage and chekin at UA

Headed to MTV office, met johaana had great 1:1 and recollecting the path we have had and the learnings.

Then ride my Google bike 🚲 to 2001. Met Megan, Amy, Met folks had lunch with Faizal. Met Yooly, Yumi, Kathy, laughter with Jamie over the ergets and poop n how they build nest n that lane is closed. Chennelle, kathy, Brittany and how I kept eating while she was chattin.

 best dinner with Bobbie at Spice Craft Indian hotel exploring Indian Street cuisine cutumized or localized with form factor eg .Pani Puri in test tubes with chutney in injections. bite sized pav (bun 🍞) with potato Fondue and not Vada for Vada pao. :p 😀. Clicked loads of pics except Claire and I. Every day or most days call with Family and then rearranging stuff at room, clothes and s

hoes etc.

28th Feb 

The main summit Day. had slept late at night, woke up sleepyhead and then clair messaged to check if we can do a pic together. I commited 9am to her but got lost on my way figuring 1220 office whole riding my cycle.

Then the birthday girl, Meagan had to find me across road and take me along :p. Had a day long wonderful session learning about eachother via ice-breaker, PgM stuff, culture best practices, challanges, emotional intelligence..DSPA e/ABP mi lunch together getting to see all others around, plus the rich hot chocolate shorts at work and then dinner at DishDash. 

Enjoyed great conversations at dinner with everyone else.

Had a wonderful time chit-chatting and discussing things with Brittany and Amy while enroute to DishDash resturant for dinner and getting to know how things are diff in India and elsewhere;).

Back at Bay View Suites, I loved my hot water adjustable shower in spick and span bathroom, aromatic shower and bath gells and then just jumping into my well made bed after changing and applying the castor oil on my legs and joints. And slowly, the warmth envelopes me into sleeping 😴.

I miss many things and people around me and a lot. But it's all going good here so far and I feel more greatful to the universe and Google for this time and opportunity.

Best regards

Ruchika Jain 

Ha ha ha..In my mind I am an ABP for life? I just signed my block like how I would do for an email response.

Thank you God, Univer

se. I love you💕🙏

29th Feb 

Sunnyvale 8.30 collect bottle. [done]

Get back to 1201 [done]

Google Merch store [Visited]

Checking in luggage [done 11.10pm]

Lunch [ salad and pizza slice]

Meetings [Done]

Head to SFO [Did]

Do academy of sciences [Been there done that]

Office visit [Postponed]

Get back to

LIVE a GREAT STORY!

My highlight was getting the most of all blessings of life. Made sure to collect my lost bottle from SVL. Prepared list of everything to do.

Catched caltrain running, with one stop slipped and payed from Palo Alto. Clipper card recharged

Direct bus to Academy of sciences California...walk...rain..chill...winds...all of it.

How it was all in my favour. Girl walking with her tiny baby in arms in rains. 

Being able to attend planetoriam (free of charge) and sleep under the spherical screen. Recharge and get to the flower view of corpsy flower bloom. One that's awakens after a decade.

Butterfly.

Cab share that worked well. 

Caltrain switch and me reaching a bit early.

Katheryn (the lady I made friends with on Caltrain) picking me up from station and dinner from sarvana bhavan + home grown camomile tea.

Such out of a dream world home...with so much love and life filled in it. So much to talk with her. Her beautiful love story and a promise to see the church where she got Married. She driving me back to bay view suites. The reception guys were thrilled to know that I made it to the academy of science. Me retiring for the day after packing the luggage, hot water shower and having my hot chocolate.

I also remembered that my day started with a status post on Taruna's no. That it is a time to take a leap. What did you do with this one extra day (29th Feb 2024 : Leap year)

And call with SIF.

1st March 2024 (@US MTV)

Up early.... Took shower n head bath as we planned to go to Stanford. Checked on Google and learned that church timings are 9-11am on that day.

 Kathy suggested we start early go around the Sandford University sculptures and buildings that she loves and then at last which is also when church opens for the day, we visit that.

She was very kind and extremely generous to pick me up at 7.45 from my stay apartments and the universe sent a sign my way - the immerging rainbow🌈 ... right infront of my eyes which also added a soothing backdrop for Kathy's car from where I was seeing it. After I hopped on her car, she gifted me the most precious gift - A Book she had written and published while she began her motherhood journey and captured the best of lessons or learnings that she had received during those days. And I felt as a piece of my heart was just left there with her... forever.🥹

We started to the Stanford University. Spoke a lot about many things...love life, relationship, healing, reincarnation, her anniversary, intention setting etc. After reaching, we started University campus tour (only exteriors and sculpture installations and landscaping+ elevations of different departments) from bold and bright yellow 'YO' font installation which was also marked the entrance of Cantor Arts Center at Stanford University

The tour to me, was more like a artistic story woven in Kathy's love story. My eyes was attentive to the ambience but subconciously my mind was tuned to the words coming from Kathy which also filled it all with passion and liveliness in every corner of the massive campus , it's architecture, huge statue installations and elevations of the buildings across. It was story woven into another.

As I am writing this what surfaces at top of my mind was the Bronze casted facial sculpture of Pierre de Wissant, Monumental. That day it was raining fircasted but at the campus it had started to recees and it had started to drizzle. We commenced from the giant statue of 'gates of heaven' and I took a look of the sculpture's description inscribed on a bronze plaque which also suggested that Rodin's sculptures expresses itself differently in sun and in rains; and there we were ...blessed with Rains!

Each of those Rodin's sculpture spoke loud about his gift, that he could bring alive depth and devotion in those masculine life sized figurines. I was awestruck when I turned to pieer's sculpture, Tiny droplets of rains were receding from the sculpted facial skin and was making the installation more immersive! almost as if it was screaming of it's agony in the loudest of voice - in silence. 

I couldn't stop but encircled around the installation and with my bare eyes continuing to stare at it, feeling the emotion coming alive with evey step I take. The rains infused a charismatic aura and a sense of life to it and the experience was deeply itched in my being that I could feel it as I write this.

Huge marble balls of diff. Size and colors.

Neuroscience building

Meeting others visitors who too were waiting for Church to open.

And then we hold our breaths as we were let in the church where every tile speaks of the glory of the love. The interiors were very roman with highrised domestic and walls and glass painting and even pipe piano. I sat there trying to immerse myself into this massive beauty, the realisation that it is all True and I am in it and to collect my thoughts and feelings as so much has happened in the past few days that I never could have imagined.

And that was it! We drove back, chatted about the same newsletter (THE TUT) we both have enrolled to, Kathy then dropped me and we exchanged one final in-person greeting and I was struggling with my emotional out pour but I was deeply touched🙏💕

In my defence...

I don't know how a Mother's love is for women who are self assured, loving, nurturing and caring for not just self but everyone around them. Those who aren't scared of tomorrow, one who isn't locked in the invisible delicate balance of honour, respect and craving of being free from the micro managing eyes, from over protection. One those aren't afraid of making mistakes or failing. One those who can take decisions and be at ease.

Writing this while slipping in and out of the YouTube audio "inner child healing - mother's love affirmations" as I was triggered by a heated argument with mom over her constant yet intimidating questioning - Why did I go up & down stairs multiple times, if I washed too many clothes, if I am cleaning kitchen mess etc (I was fasting and she wanted to makesure I do not over exert myself by daily chores).

When I snapped back at her questions and asked her if she has gone mad or her mind and eyes are just on me all the time! I clarifies  that daily work is something I choose to do to keep myself active and it will not dissolve me... 

Her intense response thru words were - that I should learn to say yes/ no in answers and not answer her back, and that I am more of a people pleaser and only know to just show off mannerism and not actually mean it, atleast to my own parents. 

I am glad that I am not as hurt or broken as I used too be after those words nor judgmental. But such words reassures me that probably one-way it is good the way my relationship/s are or were, what good could I have done to them either way when my own foundation is always trembling. The experiences I had in those relationships eg. made to feel used, disregarded, not worth a respect, or if they are broken, hidden and it also makes me feel that probably I am not meant for relationships. Hurt and wounds are all we carry, where we do not know to face each other in the darkest of our hours with respect and acceptance.

Anyways, I have enough of such stuff on my plate as of now.

I know I shouldn't be writing this as a trigger response but it is also important to face self and take whole responsibility and clear my heart more than anything to be able to be alive. 

Over the last few years I have realised that the hardest battles are that with our own self which includes our own people, directly or indirectly. Because you love them so deeply that it hurts to even think ill or hurt them in anyway but as humans we are or say 'I' should be knowing of my own limitations of anger, of resentments, of unhealed past, of lack of validations from the very circle that brought me up and the knowledge that somewhere those people who unknowingly are hurting you are hurting themselves deeply from there own trauma's, wounds and journey of life. I will continue to fight the inner battle of me being the disgraceful child who probably doesn't know or feel love for her parents...

I feel sorry for myself for choking up at such pitty events but I don't know how to help myself, I can't cry nor will I be understood.

Sometimes it's best to sleep off with those affirmations to ease your own heart.... Afterall, you come alone and will leave alone. 

Mom's love is precious, kind, innocent but sometimes it becomes too suffocating with conditions. May I be forgiven. 🙏

Would like to tell myself - I allow myself to feel hurt, frustrated, or confused. I am not alone in my experiences. (Takecare Tanu🫂)

Sweet lessons when needed the most

A few days back, on the day of my fast, on occasion of Paryushan (Jain festival), I was in a lot of emotional turmoil and a feeling of withdrawal due to unresolved events and helplessness or lack of perspective to be of help to a dear one. 

In my heart, I asked the almighty to help me and show me a way how to balance it all.. And later I forgot about this 

As a part of fasting, I was suppose to take only boiled water  (cooled naturally) and no food for 24 hours. And as a passtime thought to listen to a video shared by my Bade papa (uncle) and bush my limited knowledge on Jainism. 

And... There it lands...I  was shown the path thru that video.. In the last conversation where the host asked the Guest one last suggestion for his audience and his reply was : 

Let hatred turn into friendships but never let Love turn into hatred-ness, protect love.  💞

Happy 5th work Anniversary to me 💖

Yup, it's a massive milestone: 5 years completed in a single organization, and I deserve a celebration!

Happy 5th Googleversary, Ruu! 🎈✍️💖

As I reflect on this blog post, it feels like a significant part of my life has been dedicated solely to work. Now, a small fear creeps in: What will I do if I don't have work to earn a living? Will I be able to survive? Can I lead a meaningful life? These are real fears that sometimes trouble me, but on other days, I have bigger things to deal with, and life feels normal.

To be honest, I'm not one to make a big deal about such anniversaries or birthdays. However, this 5th year anniversary feels like a turning point in many ways, and I wanted to reflect on the events that led me to this day on my journey from September 3, 2019 to september, 3  2024.

The journey of the past five years as an Administrative Business Partner has been a rollercoaster ride, filled with rewards and many firsts. From the C19 lockdown to my first and last offsite with the ex-team in Sri Lanka, the network I built and maintained during remote work, the leadership I supported, the knowledge I gained, and the challenges I overcame, I've grown significantly both personally and professionally.

The international trips, friendships, support, and recognition I've received have been incredibly rewarding. Leading and participating in various communities, especially those focused on tree plantations and government schools, has been a passion of mine.

Reflecting on the most rewarding experiences, it's not about the paycheck, wealth, or travel. It's about being remembered and appreciated for my contributions, even after leaving a team.

These five years have also strengthened my ability to advocate for myself, speak up, and mentor others. In a way, I've lived a fulfilling professional life, which brings me peace. While not everything can be achieved in life, knowing that a higher power has a plan for our growth keeps my hopes intact.

Looking back on my collective work experience of approximately 19 years, life has been kind and rewarding. I am deeply grateful and excited for what the future holds.