Beginning of winters - 2022

This morning, I wokeup and went straight to the terrace with a book (No mud No Lotus) and an intention to finish reading the last few pages.

But was successful in reading only a few of those 'few pages' and after a while -  my head naturally turned up and I noticed a  beautiful pattern of clouds immerged in the sky and each stroke of that pattern had a gradient of grey on one extreme to that of rising suns colors (soft yellow, pink, peach etc). It was mesmerizing.

When I was slowly tilting my head, At the horizon...from behind the tall trees, a beam of light blocked my vision and I knew who is playing with me :)....I instantly had a smile on my face....It's the Sun and I said to it...I love you.

Though the sun shone brightly and softly, the subtle pinch of early winter wind was evident. I had this instant urge to have a ginger tea and rusk dipped in it. I rushed to  to kitchen and prepared my tea.

With hot tea and snacks, I in my Balcony. Sipping my tea, staring at the beautiful sky, letting numerous thoughts cross my mind and amidst all these I spot three white Median Egrets; peacefully moving in a formation of an arrow head. For some reason their presence always reminded me of deep felt love and I had tears in my eyes. I thanked them for always being there and reminding me that I am loved.

A gentle cold breeze and steaming tea brought me back :)

Narrative of my Diwali - 2022

With the first word that I typed, my mind threw this doubt - really? Are you sitting to write about your Diwali? Then why particularly this one? you have had so many in the past.. much brighter ones, One with family/ friends around .....have you gone silly?

Well..the above lines just to acknowledge my mind's initial contribution and make peace with it.

Now the dilemma -do I begin with 'why this Diwali?' or what all this Diwali?. I choose the latter.

Started my day with a heartfelt bow to the rising Sun. I woke-up this morning with a very un-cheerful mood as if something/ someone was totally dead in me or my life. Consciously deciding not to let this drab feeling take-over, I decided to meditate (vipassana) for 15mins and that was the turning point of my day! Right before I planned to open my eyes, at the completion of guided meditation...I felt a warmth on my forehead, It made me feel as if I was being guided or directed towards an inward journey and the spotlight was on me. I felt more aware and calm. The bright light panned from forehead and slowly spread across and lit the whole face ...and I smilingly opened my eyes. 

The calmness that followed gave me willingness to keep going. I decided to follow my long pending calling to cook Roti's, apply ghee + Jaggery and feed the cows at a Goushala. I got ready, choose a beautiful salwar-suit (a gift from mom) and decided to start preparations and also dial-up home to seek everyone's blessings at home and wish them a graceful Dipawali. While preparing the dough, mistakenly I added extra water and to fix that I had to add a bit more wheat flour but a voice in heart said God wants you to feed more and more cows...I felt so extremely grateful and elated. I had few calls from cousin, nephews and all elderly at home and I felt so grateful about all of their presence in my life. 

Then owner uncle visited and wanted to fix the decorative lights for Diwali eve and wanted my help. But I offered him a string light (gifted by a friend) and one electric extension box....rest I left in the hands of a genius electrical engineer. I always wondered how much he loves his wife and this is expressed in thousand ways in which he try to keep her healthy, feel loved, honoured and his whole being revolves around her. He is selflessly tireless in his pursuits as a loving husband and without a second thought I can say....he is a living God. Salute to that timeless Love of Uncle-Aunty.

After packing Roti's, I booked an auto, quickly finish my breakfast and started off to the "Khatu Shyaam Temple". The ride took me back in my mind and a lot of thoughts started to pour. On my way,  I saw a flower vendor with heaps of vibrantly blooming orange and yellow marigold flowers ...one that cannot be missed. It was almost instantly that I asked the auto driver to stop as I wanted to purchase some flowers and he happily obliged. I also realised that those flowers also reminded me of Diwali at home. In the time of distances, one experiences their own identities thru these bits of gestures, rituals and traditions and I was no different. I took a mix of both varieties and started again. The route was same as that which lead to the apartment where a couple friend lived and who recently relocated to Delhi. I missed them and informed them about my visit to the temple as they had introduced me to this temple. They felt happy as they too were still adjusting with the change of place. After a while we were close to the temple lane and seeing an elderly man waving at my auto, I requested the driver to stop & got-off only to realise that the temple was still at a good ~ 4kms walk. Well I accepted this bitter reality and continued to walk with flowers in one hand and my bag with a book, roti box and purse in another.

I reached the temple exactly 45mins earlier than it's closing time (1:15pm IST). The main entrance leads to a long passage with a wide opening that eventually leads to a staircases that opens into the temple. As I entered the gate, I saw an old lady sitting at the side platform with a small hanky laid open next to her and had a few coins and some cash on it. I walked past but then returned to offer her a small token from myside too and then proceeded. I reached the temple hall upstairs, only to see that the main deity is covered in a blue silk clot veil with red and gold checkered embroidery and for a micro second i doubted myself if I missed seeing the deity as may be I reached too late...but when I saw around me a few families were still there and something about their gestures told me we all are waiting :). So I stepped-in closer to the main sanctum sanctorum and sat and soon I hear a song - Jahan Biraje Radha Rani  (wherever sits Radha Rani...) I was astonished and couldn't belive my ears and eyes at the timing. Every passing moment started to feel magical. Soon in about a few other priest walked-in and the elderly one looked at me and smilingly asked if all is well ...and I was even more lost and nodded. Then he asked the younger priest to start the chants and slowly un-veil Khatu Shyaamji's deity for Darshan. Fresh marigold garlands and jewels covered the Deity and the sight was so overwhelming and mesmerising at the same time. I wanted to just stay there and continue to look at the deity. The priest also called me to take aarti (lit lamps offered up to gods) and then he blessed me using a bundle of Peacock feather tied together. I felt more and more blessed. I then shared with him that I am carrying some roti's for cows and he asked me to makesure that I feed the cows with my own hand and not throw or leave the offerings on floor. I thanked him for his guidance and advice. As I was about to leave the premise, he asked me to hold my veil such that I can accept the flowers and fruits in my lap. He filled my veil with a handful of roses, Banana and a box with some sweets.🌹 

I left the premise still in disbelief of what all just happened but my spirits were uplifted. I then walked towards Goushala which was next to the temple building. I entered the the space and took a walk around to see the cows and calfs either munching or sleeping or standing and also giving me a stare :D. My heart pulled me towards a black cow and I offered her the first roti but she din't open her mouth and my heart synced with self doubt...may be I din't make roti's with pure heart etc. then I saw a new born calf next to it with a beautiful reddish brown skin with white hairs and offered the same rolled roti with Ghee and jaggery to it and inspite of being such cute little baby...she grabbed it and with all her intelligence to chew....took away the whole piece from my had. Its acceptance melted me and brought tears to my eyes. The way it was licking my hands touched my heart and dissolved all the heaviness in it. I can't express how delighted I felt. 💝.  I spent a few mins, offered some donations in the name of Osiyaji mata and left for home. 

  

I ate a roasted corn on the way, saw a good crowd being pulled towards the same lane as it connects to the  Biological Bannerghatta park. I then took another auto and reached near home and headed to the market walking and seeing all the festive cheer around me. I constantly experienced how something - a supreme energy is keeping me afloat, giving me reasons to smile and be when I felt I have none. I then felt a strong urge to decorate house entrance and also lit earthen oil lamps for Diwali eve. I finished the necessary shopping, got home with deep satisfaction about following the urge and guidance. 

Eventually the evening turned-out to be full of happiness with Mom and Badi maa on call, Uncle & aunty on my floor to see the decoration and a lot of happy pictures. The selfless celebrations made my day and at night I had a call with my friends at Delhi and later I slept with a peaceful 💜 .

Thank you!

बहते बारिश के पानी में थोड़ा कुछ बहा देना है

बहुत कुछ बयां करना है।
बहते बारिश के पानी में थोड़ा कुछ बहा देना है
कुछ थोड़ा धुल सा जाना है

डरती हूँ - इस साल की बारिश कहीं थम न जाए..या कही मैं पिछे तो नहीं?

शुरुआत कहाँ से करूँ.. कुछ पता नहीं 

मध्य का एक क्षणभर भी भरोसा नहीं 

अंत एक है - इसी से बंधी आस है 

अपने अस्तित्व का पहलू ढूंढने की कोशिश में बिखर गई.... 

कभी विश्वास का हाथ पकड़े मन की राहों से नाता जोड़ा था 

'कल' की तब फ़िक्र थी न ही हमने उसे ज़रूरत समझा था 

वो कल को कल समझने में चूक हो गयी और आज में कुछ ख़ामोशी cha गयी 

सब कहते चले और हम सबकी सुनते चले...

वक़्त ऐसा भी आया की हमने बेझिझक अपनी ही सुनी

आज जब वक़्त ने हल्की सी करवट ली...

अपनों के प्यार को समझने की ज़रूरत  लगी तो जाना की प्यार समझा नहीं जाता 

वो तो महसूस होता है क्यूंकि वो  बेहिसाब गहराई को छु  जाता है 

बस विश्वास ने हिम्मत नहीं हारनी चाहिए।

... 

No-one told me...

No-one ever told me that I can never be home ever again...

No matter how much I try to fit in 

No matter how much I try to stick my plans of holidays around only home visits...Or even dare to make them

Just to be able to sneek a bit of time!

Time from and with ones I grew-up among.

Never ever anyone told me to be prepared- that I would leave even more wounded than ever...

Wounded from what?

Emotions of those whom I had know as mine...dearly mine but they failed to accept or even acknowledge.

I hold no grudge because I know they aren't sorted within and trying to find their own answers but in the whole game I became the one targetted. One who isn't enough for them or they fear that the acknowledgement may trodd me off my path.

No-one ever told how hollow it would feel...how engulfing the emptiness will be and how it all would appear as if I am fighting against nothingness....

 

 

Impermanence...

Have been at home since Friday Eve...

All the nok jhok with mom and now when it's time to go... everything...every emotion or state of Joy, Pain, puzzled thoughts or behaviours, questions that appeared but never were answered ...all now appears so crystal clear under the light of impermanence. 

Helps me humbly detached from that of ego, that of 'mine', that of I believed I belong to or seek....

Also it brings into perspective the self imposed unease, doubt, challange to accept.....

Yet, I know there is a long way to go....and Far I have to go.

Blessings of life....

 Just wanted to ink a few beautiful moments from my stay at home this week....

Running monologue of thoughts & the horizontal Life

News of the day - Today (19th Sep 2022) marks the official registry of ten acres of land that Papa had worked so hard to purchase and get all the due documentations corrected.

 -- 💖 gratitude 💖--

Now, jumping straight to attend the unruly desire to pour out the truth of  my deepest feelings, cobweb of emotions, my struggle to stay sane without attending to this time & to write! But first, let me first take a deep breath to muster all the courage to allow myself to be able to tap into the raw & deepest truth of this being I know as - me.

I will only take into account the day - Today; a continuation from that of yesterday as I suffered from terrible & unbearable pulsating headache all thru the night and only could take a nap between 4:15 - 6am, The headache was triggered possibly due to heavy home made marwadi meals on day 2 of my arrival to my hometown. Not that I am not used to of it...but I din't get time to get adjusted to it all... that sudden! Moreover the 24hrs of train journey had disturbed my bowel functioning (the horrifying and brain fogging Bio-toilet smell, to be precise). And on top of it all Mom won't want to understand my request to give me sometime to settle rather she wanted to invite a few guests and as usual, I couldn't keep away from over exerting myself. It all got paid well as a - wonderful sleepless night with frequent washroom visits, all failed attempt to ease off by creeping into the hall, trying Vipassana & a bit of head massage to release the accumulated pain or gas. 

And today was the day of site/ land registration with additional 2.5 acres of that of 10 acres which was supposed to take place in a nearby town/ village - Punasa; for which my brother was to drive us (Mom, me and the Lawyer) to the registrar office. All thru the time from that of the day I started from Bangalore till I met the old lady (one among seller's family) I felt almost dead about this additional 2.5 acres, rather was seeing it only from a perspective of greed than from that of logic.....something within me was too detached and apprehensive about this whole deal. But from the beginning, Papa's dream was that of whole piece of this triangular land and it made sense to have it all to be able to better develop it. 

Yesterday the sellers (family) travelled to my hometown, stopped at our home for a night tea and some legal formalities and then headed to our ancestral village - Beed. This gave me the opportunity to meet that oldest of them - a cute Dadi (Granny) of ~80+ yrs with beautiful glowing skin, round face, purple berry coloured pout lips and cute hazy eyes, she struggled with walking and hence I approached her, touched her feat for which she hesitated and resisted, saying in our family - Girls never bow down and touch elders feet, rather elders seek blessings. She held my palms & wrists to support her climbing-up the two steps at the entrance door. Just this small interaction with her melted something in my heart...may be my ego, resistance and I sailed thru this whole journey. I felt blessed to have someone like my Dadi around us. And as I am writing this, I feel a lump in my throat and I am struggling to hold back my tears...more than my Dadi's presence, I miss someone who knew me inside out, who assured me I am enough,  who could be my strength, my wisdom and my hearts voice when words failed and eye desperately seeks, and around that one I can find the solace my soul yearned.

Since, it was a working day for me, I couldn't sleep again. I took hot water bath, got ready and headed for breakfast. In the kitchen mom asked if I brushed my teeth (as I had skipped it the previous day, purposefully to break routine) and this question of hers irked me and I frowned and that was it for my mom to retort me with words that tore me apart, made me feel more dejected...I then chose to focus on my breath and practice a bit of learning from Sis. Shivani - to take charge of your wellbeing and bless the other person with love and light. It helped me calm down but it was the most difficult part of my day..to start with. This event made me question myself where do I belong, if I am even needed anywhere...if not for office. The hurt surfaced as soon as I got distracted from focusing on my breath and I felt a strong heaviness in my chest and the sleeplessness added to the uneasiness. 

Somehow, I could direct my emotions to deliver at work and kept myself busy with it and later saw that things appeared to be normal between me and mom but that wall between us had been painted again for the sake ....she bought a comb to put a plait to my damp hairs before we start our commute. I din't enjoy but existed in that moment, questioning even more deeply that I have everything I would have needed yet I feel a terrible void or uselessness or  struggle to find meaning or purpose of my being on this earth.

Around 11:15 am we started from home, till this time we weren't even sure if we would be getting the appointment today as the server was down. The drive was good with a lot of interaction with the lawyer  (one who happens to be jain and an old acquaintance) which gave deeper clarity towards how the different land ACT are in force, a few funny incidents from his childhood as he knew one of my elder sister etc.

A quick look at the events from that of at Registrar's office where we spent ~5Hrs. I again got to spend sometime with that old cute Dadi and enjoyed listening to her and noticing those glittering eyes and childlike enthusiasm as we were waiting for our turn and others were in one of the cabin of that govt. facility. I started to feel hungry and feared that I might develop headache again due to empty stomach and was trying to hunt for some bananas or anything that is easy on digestive system and can fill my stomach but we couldn't get anything and also all were too focused to get the documentation done as there were few ground level challenges with selling parties (two families of total 22 members). To our surprise, the people who work with papa at Beed had sent a small tiffin with 7-8 Parathas, potato sabzi and pickle. That was a blessing sent from above and my heart couldn't thank God enough for looking after us all thru his people and such generous hearts. Me, Dadi, Mom, Brother and one of the guy from seller side all shared that one small meal and it was enough for us to sustain till a few hours. My spirits were lifted and heart filled. I was then called into the SB's cabin for the usual digital records and was required to attest a few legal docs and confirm that I am the interested buyer along with mom. I noticed a small sparrow nest in that cabin with the parent birdies flying in and out with ease and cleverness to skip from the operating celling fan and to get food for the new borns. Plus, I also saw a rectangular frame on the wall with the Ariel picture of Omkareshwar temple which was surrounded by Narmada river and how different god and goddesses were showering their blessings from the sky in it. This somewhere put my heart even more at ease. 

Later me and mom were waiting in the lobby - me with office emails on phone and reading few lines of a new book in-between. We shared a small chocolate flavoured 5Rs mini tea with 5Rs biscuit ....to be honest that purchase was something to satisfy my soul as it finds it so amusing how those tiny amounts carry so much value just by purely being in that moment of need. And the vendor was also persistent. During one of my conversations, I nudged the topic of getting the house in hometown painted if the labours who are commissioned for the painting work in one of my Aunt's room does a good job....to this, mom replied in her taunting tone of that ' a castle is in the making...huh' your dad is useless and can't takecare of important things rather his only focus is in the house parties by calling all his friends and co-workers....this note was gut-wrenching and I struggle to keep in check the emotions of hate-redness but I felt pity for her loss to acknowledge her 'present moment' - which she isn't able to open-up to nor cherish all that Papa is doing for her and it breaks my heart that how hard it must be for Papa to be able to get one word of appreciation for all that he has put his energies into till this date....keeping aside his troubling knee, all that mom says and emotional let downs he suffered due to her sharp tongue.

The final event at this office was with that of my last required signature at one of the digital doc., taking the attested copy of land registry and walking out with beaming faces of Papa and that lawyer for the job successfully done and congratulations being conveyed. Brother shared with me that we had to pay extra to the SB to get this processed and I said thats ok, compared to the value of right documentation.  

We then handed-over a cheque to one of the seller party as a closure to the deal and drove towards beed for late lunch. Halfway thru, we get a call from my brother who had already reached Beed that the cheque we handed is swapped and will have to go back to handover the right one.....we had no choice and took a U-turn. We did laugh at this eventful day and what all can happen and after a 15mins detour headed back to Beed. 

We were all hungry as wolf and as soon as we reached Beed, we realised that lunch preparations had just started as Papa missed hinting them about our arrival and it was a mad rush in kitchen and mom aware of my hunger and headache from last night, frowned at Papa that he is useless etc. And unfortunately at that time my brother got a call from my aunt at home who wanted to check if she should keep our dinner ready for which he came to handover the phone to mom and listening to mom's rant about Dad's habit of  forgetfulness he scolded mom that it was not just one work and she need not blame him all the time and said he doesn't want to eat that food which she is so much making a scene for....he left the place in anger and it again took me back to the guilt of me being there creating all the mess knowingly or unknowingly.

But at-least this made my mom calm-down a bit and may be deep inside her heart, she felt bad about her attitude towards Dad. All this made me question Love...the struggles of a Love overgrown.. and where one is so clouded to take decisions considering the time factored, where Anger and agony of the past is not healed with that blocked love, where honesty is paying a hefty price of that of dejection and respect had died or buried in the utter senselessness of a competition, ownerships and rights on ones own offsprings.

After an hour or so, we (Mom, Me, Lawyer & brother) drove back home with Papa staying back and attending the seller party who have an extended stay for a day. Brother was burning the rubber...the blow of air made the lawyer (seated in the front) sleep during the drive, I started to pay attention on my feelings and thoughts, I felt so thrashed emotionally that I started to behave so unlike me and was laughing at turnout of events today and then the sudden realisation hit me that I actually could breath a bit of lightness durning this nano-seconds.

At the end, as I complete this post, all I ask myself is there happiness anywhere? Am I happy? what is it all for...One day even I will leave this place and currently I too find myself in same state as that of mom - disillusioned. Will I ever be able to help mom feel connected to her once again?...will her struggle within find peace before it is too late?...

I don't have answers for any of the above. But I am grateful for the time and willingness to be back her....so strongly that nothing else mattered. 

Takecare Tanu, love you! we are in this together. 💖

......as I return to bed in hope to retire for the day...the emptiness in my heart surfaced many other pressing events, challenging situations of certain connections, the fears, the agony it may or may not bring and I asked my heart....if it is my truth or has my belief in love shaken a bit. I felt peace in the knowledge that I still trust and believe in the power of love...pure love & respect.