Unspoken emotions

No one will celebrate me like her.

Yet, I do not feel belonged to her.

The world says, “Eventually, she would become like her mother.”

She whispers to herself, “Then, may no one suffer.”

On an eventful day, sitting by her own side,

She pleads, “How have you been?”

Heaviness in her heart melts, and a tear rolls down.

With mum to words and numb to feelings of the heart,

Rage is building up! wrath is all I foresee.

Everything I choose to see and feel - Love 💖

Finally! I was so immersed in my day, today; that I feel lighter at heart, at peace with myself and in-spite of sleepy eyes and tiredness, I want to spend these few moments to acknowledge what efforts I took to trace my happy day :)

But first, yes, I woke-up with anxiety, palpitation and deep fear of her presence and struggled hard to let go and just be. Definately there wasn't any trigger but I was worried, I was on auto pilot experiential journey from my subconscious mind and those memories of feelings from childhood.

The first thing I did was helped aunty in the kitchen as she had plans to visit temple at 8 am and had a lot of pending stuff to close before that. I then took charge of Breakfast and made all the prep for Indori-Poha (Flattened rice), there was just me and her and the eldest uncle around (we three are the ones usually wake-up early).

Afterwards, I made a mental note of my day's schedule and the image of my Diwali Holiday bucket list popped-up. 

 From last evening, I very well remembered that mom just shoo-ed away my suggestion for online training for stretch-band exercises and I was a bit low on courage or confidence and felt a bit at unease. Yes, such tiny stuffs at days nudges me and I am sensitive to the tone of words being used to convey a message.

Let's dive into how the course shifted for my day towards a more rewarding and meaningful time:

1. After, taking some warm water while seated in mal-asana, I realized I need to stick to a routine to avoid emotional breakdown, trying to fix my surroundings or people. I immediately decided to do a quick 15mins yoga and then meditation. The last part was about Inner-child healing guided meditation & forgiveness. And while I was in it, a wisdom flashed on my decluttered mind, to allow myself to detach from the 37 yr old house (one of my trigger point, seeing it's damaged state. Too deteriorated and not event painted since long. While it was one of my projects, the labours left it half way :( and I was already heart broken when I reached home and got to know about it).

Small things like uncle using or reusing old plastic buckets to plant tress etc irks me and I get so annoyed about the survival mode they all are living with. Everyone is in their own fight - Papa with farm commitments and he can't come for a trip and I do not want to go without him or with selected folks only, Uncle getting too micro-managing at times with festival around the corner and also with his habit (being and elderly, to correct others or be in the mode to teach them etc)
At one point, I told myself to let it all go and just be, it's not all mine to fix nor am I here for being the provider. I allowed myself to let go the expectations from folks around me, the attachment and expectations from self and others at all levels of emotions, understandings etc.
I also visualized the house, blessed it with gratitude and love and in my consciousness allowed myself to let it take it's own destiny and not to interfere with it and be too pushy about getting it re-built or even fix. I really struggled a lot in the past but today, I was willing to accept my limitations ( if that's what it is) and be at ease. I said we all come with timelines and maybe mine with this one was over too.
While I was about to be done with the meditation, I could also hear some of the affirmations that were playing on the same meditation and one statement truly became my Mantra for today!!
"Everything I choose to see and feel - Love 💖" 
 It may appear like toxic positivity, but to me, no it is not. 

2. My wishlist continued and they allowed me my creative space. I held on to it like a baby monkey to it's mom. I started with prep for the warli painting on the fkakey and faded walls, once being ignored. Then, I also scheduled my time in such a way. that I would add two of my office meetings in-between. I am super proud for all that and how the day turned out to be.

3. I took baby steps towards convincing mom and others about why daily stretch exercise are important and ordered a few equipments for all elderly at home + my desired book "Folktales from india, by A.K. Ramajunam. 💖 ! Stories helps me stay sane and nurtures my soul

4. I also met my childhood friend and just those few moments were so reviving.

5. Highlights of blissful day and now heading to my 🛌