Lying in bed this morning, I collected my scattered thoughts into a mental basket of analysis. A call from a friend nudged me. His father was hospitalized due to medication side effects, and he needed my scooter for transportation.
I'd planned a breakfast outing with Mom, but she preferred to stay in because it was too early (around 7 AM). I was concerned about the Monday morning traffic and had suggested we start at 7 and return by 10 AM, before my meetings began.
Having slept at 1 AM, I woke up feeling a bit lethargic. Endless mental chatter about life's complexities filled my mind: right and wrongs, moral values, growing up, seeking permission to do the right thing, the definition of "right," the need for labels, and whether these questions could unlock a path for my mental seeker.
Who should I share these conflicting thoughts with? is there anyone who would even understand me? or how do I makesure I understand myself atleast? the anger due to dependency and helplessness, The plans I would make whereas one that would eventually be, work, meaning of my presence here on this earth, financial stability or instability, the fallback or reliability options; if any, the internal war of feelings due to mis-alignment of heart and circumstances... of the futile efforts to fix a certain thing or situation of life, of why the self acceptance is hard? the events we experience, the battles we fight, the depth of knowledge we gain to aid to certain relationships but the dead-end we feel because it's just us in it for it....rest have moved on, or were never there in the first place, the distress we go thru to find solace, meaning, resonance with wider society but rather being pushed into disrupted episodes..... blah blah blah.
I had to wear my action hat and get going! I reconfirmed with mom if she still wants to go out or shall we cook at home and she said anyways, you will eventually give your bike to your friend so let's cook and eat at home. I wasn't in the space to read between the lines and clarified that 'No', I haven't committed but I would after knowing your preference. And we decided on our home cooked breakfast menu.
Just that conversation displaced me from my space of limited ease I have had....I left home to ride my bike and hand-it over to him, and on my way back, stopped at a vegetable shop for some veggies for Lunch.
I could feel how my whole being is screaming for answers for myself and some wisdom to be able to crack a balance to be able to crawl, if not walk.
I ask myself, did I ask for this, did I choose it for myself, didn't I see things/ events coming, the feeling between moral bonds and one those are of hearts and the desired dedication towards them. At times I would just want to tightly hug someone I would feel belonged to but un or fortunately It just me to be with self or Mother earth or trees who would comfort me.
Just when I broke-down, a willingness shone from behind the piles of tired thoughts and feelings...A urge to sit under the morning sky, take a pen & paper or the screen and begin to write, write and just write......
At last, I am here navigating thru my weak moment...and the ease comes from knowing - everything is transient.
