I needed an answer to my unexplained anxiety which I have been feeling since long but it has gotten too frequent these days. I feel as if my throat is chocked all day and swallowing feels a task, at times I have to induce vomiting so that I can feel a sense of ease in my throat or distract myself with 'The Great Indian Kapil show ', some peppy songs, at times hot chocolate or just gazing at the night sky and traces of moving clouds from my open terrace.
Sometimes it's funny, yet exhausting, to not be able to identify what we feel and gets even more complex if it's rather a flood of emotions, completely consuming the ease.
Many-a-times, there are these underlining deep and un-healed or even unattended hurt, trauma, that gets triggered with something so trivial and the source of such triggers go unnoticed. And sometimes it's the healing that is taking place with the surfacing deep stored feelings and thoughts.
Yes , it gets exhausting...not denying the heaviness and unhealthy sobs.
As always, Google search is my best buddy in such times; my friend in need. One who is available physically and emotionally, one that is considerate and non-judgmental...and offcourse so patient with me :)
I tried hard to settle down and do a quick check-in with self and what surprised me was the heaviness of defeat (probably) I am still carrying in my heart...the defeat of being Ghosted.
Probably my ego is wounded too and I am still in denial of that. I went ahead and searched on Google...
"Why do I feel anxious after being ghosted?
Ghosting takes away the opportunity to talk and process, which can allow healing. But without conversation, it can cause someone to question their worth, what they did wrong and [if] the person ever really like[d] them. This can lead to trauma and other severe emotions like depression or anxiety."
Why am I so upset about being ghosted?
"Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection," says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. "It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years
This then lead me to a cosmo blog which further dwelled into why any particular gender would ghost the other and different real-life scenarios from different age groups.
The new awareness from all this knowledge helped me make peace with myself but I am still far away from dealing with this multitude of Trauma and it can takeover anytime and leave me more damaged than I have been. It troubles me to the point that I ask myself over and over - Did I deserve this? ...and the self critique, agrees to it.
I am possibly also going thru a phase of victim mindset... but that's ok... atleast that is something familiar to me. 🤗
And I signoff with a self reminder...this too shall pass...Breath...be kind to yourself...
