Traditional Bath powder

It was a Saturday morning and I was out for breakfast. Post Breakfast, I was strolling in a nearby shopping complex which is a great hub for all raw materials for art, craft, trailoring needs, dress and fabric cut pieces, Grandhige/ Pansari (religious and herbal items shop) and a few fast foods chains. My day was planned and had to meet a friend after a hour and a half, so I had brought a few dress for alterations which were long pending (~6 months)  and for some great reason, today was the day!

I was actually too early at the complex and shop owners were just starting their day. luckily, a tailor was available and I checked with him if he can help with the dresses alterations and to my surprise, he was super quick. I felt as if I have won a war! A feeling of great achievement after effortlessly completing this pending task.

I then thought to just go around the complex and do some window shopping. As I stepped in, I saw a Grandhige shop and I don't know for what reason, I remembered about a bath powder recipe that I had seen on YouTube.

The background is -  I have been trying to get one particular brand of herbal bath powder and the manufacturers were promising me false dates, I continue to wait and sometime a I forgot about it and the wait continued. One fine day, I even asked them if the business is down and if I can. Help in anyway as the product was really soul satisfying. After a few days, I gave up and in my frustration, I googled that particular brand and the method of preparing similar bath powder.

Luckily, I came across a video uploaded by someone from UK who was sharing this recipe of her grandmother who was originally from down south, India. My heart was convinced after hearing the ingredients list that this recipe is very close to what I was seeking. 

Then what! In my urge to resolve this bath powder issue, I stopped at the shop and with hesitation and dint want to disappoint the shopkeeper (as I was the first customer who is also considered auspicious and sets the vibes for that day's business for the Businessman, as per Indian belief), I asked a few raw materials from that list of "traditional bath powder recipe on YouTube".

Firstly I asked the shopkeeper if he has material for bath powder and as a ritual...some googley has to happen na!

His response was, yes mam which bath? - Tomato bath, vangi bath..etc etc. and I couldn't hold my laughter and laughingly told him it's bath (Snana in kannada) not any rice bath (kannada word for rice). Another Oldman, sitting with his head buried behind the newspaper also started to laugh 😂. For my sanity of mind, I assumed he was the shopkeeper father...

Well, the young chap at the shop was very supporting and was letting me define the quantity, play pause, revised the video numerous times to figure out each of the ingredients and their measurements and purpose and the kannada or common names for easy identification. He also offered me a pen and paper so I can note it down for my ease. I felt happy and home (probably I felt like being at my Bade Papa's grocery shop where we would go on special festivals to manage the overflowing customers).

I somehow gathered most of the raw items form him along with some Bheem saini camphor for my friend and some hand rolled cotton wicks for oil lamp for my home.

I would have easily spend close to 90 mins at that shop and my mind has already planned the next steps as soon as I reach back home.

My friend arrived and we both had lunch and departed. After returning home, I straight away rushed to the kitchen, pulled out a few large plates to dry the material in the sun, and sat with them in the hot...and spoke to mom, dad, aunt etc etc. I was surprised that the level of life infused in me the involvement I felt for this project that the scorching sun dint bother me and I was ok to be roasted along with the raw stuff !

Fast forward...after almost ~25 rounds of grinding different materials, seiving them with a broken seive 😪 and again fine grinding the granular ones....with messy kitchen slab, powder all around on floor and walls...I continues and reached the final phase of two bottles of powers one to store longer and one with legumes Powder that should be prepared for a short shelf life and to be mixed in the other herbal powder.

Anyways, the important aspect of all this exercise was that I was deeply present and involved, It was a level of ease and peace I felt after a long long long time and my every cell was joyous all through the process...as if I am in lap of Mother earth and her gifts are all I am using to make something earthy for myself. I felt so could do it again and again. i felt so alive..I never knew this version of myself and....

That night I slept peacefully and yes, the traditional herbal bath powder turned out to be the exact replica of what I was looking for❣️ (a little more self-love grew in me)

(Dated: 25th May 2024)

Buddha Poornima and 'The Guru'

After dinner, I returned home and was parking my two wheeler. Just then,  I hear my cellphone beep...it was an invite notification from the yoga institute to join the live 'Full Moon' Meditation via YouTube, starting at 8 pm.

I had read about this Purnima (5/23, Full Moon night) that it was the most auspicious one; it was Buddh Poornima (the day when Gautama attained Nirvana). I had totally forgotten about this date but the notification was well in time and I decided to participate in the meditation. I was running a few mins late to the livestreaming and my usual routine for such meditations is to do them under the open sky, at the open terrace -  feeling the vastness and mystic nature of the celestial beaut! One that of the blanket of sky decorated with the luminisence of the Moonlight.

I was excited! I had taken my yoga mat with me and as I sat for meditation, I took some time to settle with the rush and anxiety.

Slowly, I started to focus on the discourse while adoring the Irresistible beauty of the moon. It was a cloudy evening and moon was partially visible due to the heavy mass of moving clouds but it was a wonderful feeling to just continue to gaze at it.

The discourse started acknowledging the importance of this full moon and how we all should be under the grace of a Guru (the guiding light) and that statement made me ponder as to who is my Guru?..Do I even have one?... possibly I do, I had requested God in my childhood to handhold me in one of his own forms and guide me in my life. In my mind I scanned thru all people in my life, religious Guru's, Idols of God and Goddess and wondered who is my Guru?. Gazing the passing clouds, almost as if I was surfing thru my eyes in the belief that the veil of clouds would disappear and I would get a glimpse of the full moon before it goes away again, I asked the soft and shimmery moon - If it would know who my Guru is? And just like that, I felt a  transition in my mind, I was transported back to a moment when I was sitting at a dark corner of the Pondicherry promenade beach on a a Full moon night and I was engaged in deep conversation with the gushing waves as they were something that soothed me on my days when I was too lost, alone, carried deep hurt and a baggage of abandonment. The whole experience was surreal and the moving clouds were adding a element of waves, one that I had witnessed at Pondy. 

And that's that! I had my answer. I recollected numerous trips that had taken to just be by the beach, any time of the day, something pulled me towards it all the time and Yes, it wouldn't be wrong if I say that Pony Beach has been my Guru, my guiding light, my safe heaven and home, my inner calling, and compass. My inspiration and source of wisdom in those wordless conversations, my book reading buddy and my heart ❣️

I it made me realise how perfect the anatomy of celestial plan is....even in that movement of cloud over the shiny moon has a purpose ....to create an illusion of sea waves and how beautiful and timely the revelation was. 

Create and co-exist

Sometimes the paints are dipped in the tears of agony,  thru them emerges an artwork. 

One, that keeps the boat of life, afloat. And to the artist, each of those trusted stokes of paint brush gives meaning to hopeless days and the will to continue...to create and coexist.

 

The chords : personal experience with Music and Love

If a musician hasn't experienced the whole spectrum of emotions, will s/he be able to produce the most soulful of the gifts for this world - That Music? One that is slowly nurtured, marinated in time, crafted in layers of essence, cultivated with the highs & lows of scales, one with a deep sense of partnership! such deep that the work translates itself as one's better-half ... A part of self.

Since long, a question was nudging me in my mind; repeatedly - is it possible to love the other with all that we have?.. with all possible complexities and challenges of life?  Events that are capable of even twisting the complete equation...

Is it possible? 

I wonder, especially for those souls and hearts, one who weren't as previledged to have experienced the depth of love firsthand; that delicate balance of love, of surrender and pride, of joy and hurts, of forward moves to sudden pauses...

 I resonated deeply with an insta post, that said: "Trauma heals in connection. Trauma is a violation of relationship and a connection fulfills it."

The question now, is -   what choice of connection?, Knowing fully well, that sometimes, the very choice one makes could unknowingly be also a trauma response. And strangely, there is this power within us - of 'making the choice': whether to continue or drop it all or grow together further in awareness.

And making a choice doesn't have to be unkind. Each individual in any relationship is also a seperate identity and this choice of one could definately be a challenge for the other party to navigate thru or even understand the weak foundation of relationship dwelled in trauma, immediately, more so when the course of life is way different. But my belief is - if the foundation was laid on open conversations, mutual trust and care, life will give opportunities to evolve in the partnership and then it is upto the involved individuals to walk along the journey of ease and that of course-correction.

I call such connections 'chords' in the music of my life❣️

And adding this song that I first heard from some stranger around Pondy beach and the tune stuck with me and the song is being played in loop now :)

To be understood...

Those days are weird when your mind is fogged and you can't point on one particular feeling that you are experiencing and identify that yeah this is what I am going thru....

My evening was somewhat similar and I shed some tears under the hot shower in bath, to ease my body and emotions... Realised I am missing my Daadi's (Grandmother) presence dearly! 

She was my safe space, my peace and would have answers to all my confusions and questions. How idiotic it is that someone who has left this earth long ago is suddenly on the top of one's memories, almost as if my heart is seeking her in and around the four walls of my house believing she may appear for me....and the reality hit me hard and I sob uncontrollably. I want to ask her why she left me, dint she care that I would need her?

May be she had a better purpose elsewhere because of the loving and kind being she was🫂. I recollect the buried memories of  her presence and my childhood with her. I never felt this way for her ...this void....this yearning....her death was peacefully accepted as she had lead her life blissfully and that stayed with me till date. Her presence in my life was my biggest blessings and I trust that I have had absorbed her teachings in everyway I could. But for some unknown reason it all is failing me today. How, like a bird, I gather the courage to build my humble nest for the day and the sudden blow of the winds of emotions, memories or triggers scatter it away and distroys it all. 

I feel mean for seeking her when I needed that safe space for myself and asked - How it would have helped me with if she was around? And the only answer I heard was - to be understood 💔. I brokedown again and let the streams of tears flow....they needed to be let out for all things that I am trying to make sense of and yet for all the times that I am misunderstood 🙏.

I would like to remind myself that -The wound is the place where the Light enters you.   ~rumi.

I don't know anything about the light yet but for sure, I wanted to feel this wound and make peace with it....flow with it and just be.

(I miss you, Bai. Will you meet me soon?...take me in your embrace and tell me that all will be ok...)

Books - My blessings in disguise

Did a book (or books) ever come to you which has an uncanny resemblance with your own life and the stories they carry brings a sense of familiarity? One that can be tagged as 'been there done that'.

Isn't it that the writer writes from Her/his viewpoint and what each reader perceives is unique to their own experiences? more like that of an impression of a thumb?

In my reading journy, I am currently towards the tail end of 'Heal Me', written by Julia Berkley. I had started reading it a long time ago... probably in the year 2015/17. The motivation was my assumption - that it might have an explanation or summary of how various spiritual healing therapies work as I was beginning one of my own. As I progressed with my reading, the book was turning into something totally different and was more about 'Chronic Pain' which the author was dealing with and which almost made her disable and limited in her day-to-day living. The book narrated her journey thru the Chronic pain to her healing with unshakable grit to find solution that spoke to her soul. I was thinking of leaving the book as it without finishing (a rarest of rare phenomenon with me) but then, a close Friend of mine developed sever chronic pain that ran from neck to brain and I went deep in shock and Paranoia as we ran from Doctors to MRI labs. For almost two three years we dint get down to a proper diagnosis of what was the issue and whenever it appeared, it disturbed the whole routine of my friend and it got more challenging when we dint know what to fix. 

And that is how I went back to the same book and as I progressed (utterly slow); dealing with - the unknown, the emotional shift and bearing,  the what if's. I gained my resilience and found solace in this book while I dealt with the hurt one goes thru when they see a dear one being utterly helpless and in Pain. The curiosity that I will be able to find a way out thru this book helped me to continue... but again, I left it  half way as life took over in form of regular visits to doctors, new understanding of the conditions and the challanges that followed all along and we navigated.

After another few years, being on a target of reading one book per week (with office colleagues) I resumed reading this book again as the vibrant red cover page will standout and remind me over and over that I need to finish reading it. It was also the time where I personally had experienced healing therapies which required a lot of  inwardly work and which encouraged to sit with your emotions, give a voice to them and allow them to be felt and acknowledged. The book not only helped me gain more awareness towards people dealing with chronic pain but also understand what a 'Journey of healing' calls for and I think I can write lengths about it too:) ..but better to keep it for another day, another blogpost. That said, I must call-out 'acceptance' plays a biggest role in that journey.

Talking of books, I also read a few beautifully written, soul enriching love tales which were drawn from mythology or stood the test of time. The characters who bore the weight of righteousness, of loving the outcaste, of following the path of love, of Grace, of compassion and how each of it became a work that exhibits timelessness, of distance, of being alive with that one flame of love that stay ignited in times of dispair and wars, that of surrender, that of loss of self and the unborn...it all felt as if I have had been there in some lifetime and experienced that. Some of those books helped me bring acceptance to my 'now' to drop struggle and trust in the path laid by the supreme. 

In someway or the other, it felt as if those books chose me and were so close to the journey of my life and it still shocks me to realise how I received them, just in time for when I needed them the most, to be felt heard and understood!, some bore answers for my life's conditions and some soothed my emotional turmoil. Some became my string of support which helped me continue in my darkest of hours and brought that hope and willingness for ease. Some just walked along in manner of timeless tales and consoled that I am not alone on this Journey I chose.

Reminiscing about how my psychich environment longed for something unknown  and each of those chapters and readings created a bespoke fulfilling experience. How it all was coming to life as I continue to be accompanied with a Book...either on long or short train journeys, at botanical gardens, at the beach shore amidst the gushing sea waves, at airports and in flights, at that one corner of my house beaming with the warmth of sunshine, amidst the monsoon rain drops sounds, at the quite balcony illuminated with the light from street lamp or at those long nights that were a struggle.

All in all...Books turned out to be my blessings in disguise 💓  and I am immensely grateful for each one of them; for the art of writing, for those who crafted the stories, for those who bridged the gaps of past and present.

Not all days are same..

After a bit of ease that I felt in last two days, today was different. I wokeup extreamly tired and hopeless sort.. without any willingness to step out or even touch work.

To tick the general routine, I got up from my bed, stepped out of my house and went upstairs to adore the rising Sun from the open terrace, but I felt as if it was just my mind that walked along and my heart and soul were completely missing in action.

Withdrawn, I came back to my room, tucked myself in my bed again... asked Alexa to wake-me up after an hour and repeatedly reminded myself 'I am allowed to take it easy and rest and just be' untill my body dropped all the morning rush, the uncalled guilt and lay easy. Between these thoughts and efforts, I was zoning in and out and at one point,  I was subconsciously working on myself; my breath was slow and easy, I asked myself to allow it to surface- the thoughts or beliefs which are deep rooted and which are no-longer helping me. To my surprise a scene flashed! I was approached by a white British guy in light blue formal shirt and he was irritated with my question expressed it by throwing a glass full of coffee at me and said you chose 'hurt'!.

Just after that statement, very next moment I was wide awake in my mind and it almost felt like a revelation...I looked deeper and scanned my feelings, thoughts, encounters with people, places, events etc and that one emotion I carried as a baggage all thru....'The Hurt'. What troubled more was the fact that I chose it for me, many time knowingly and a few times unknowingly. My cheeks were wet with hot tears streaming from my eyes, with each interpretation, resemblance of this truth in my waking life and I analysed it further. I sobbed. It all looked quite dramatic but not to my heart....it was what it was! without a doubt. I experienced  humiliation, hurt and disrespect when the coffee scene appeared. And I sat with that emotion to let myself be less judgmental and allow that feeling to fade away.

I wondered where and at what age I started to feel the need for me to embrace hurt or not feel worthy of love, ease, care etc?...and the memories speeded back to my childhood. I grew up telling myself that I am a burden to my family and that I need to be soon on my own... It hurts as I write this but yes, that is my truth. A lot of deep dive and work of self-healing is needed to allow to cleanse the psyche and flow with life...as it's all locked in layers and would surface as it gets triggered with outside world.

Hence, Not all days are same.. some are miraculous like today when a burden is lifted off. 

I regained a bit of self-worth when a friend called (almost after an year) trusted me to confide in me and share about the challanges he is dealing with in his life and at last there was a sweet goodbye with a care and respect intact. Knowing I have blessings in form of 'such friendships' make me to walk along with life wherever it takes me...

The Creative Flow & Medium

Today noon, while I was on call with my Mom (listening to her on speaker), I stumbled upon an old picture of the Diwali decoration that I did last year. The images flashed happy memories of the joyous time I had;  how I was immersed in my creative flow by using flowers, a cutout of a purple fabric (a blouse piece I had got as a Tambulam). I kept swiping the pictures in my Google photo gallery and they all appeared in chronological order, as if painting and narrating a day-long story. Those handmade Flower garlands, the Torans which me and my neighbour did; we were a bit frugal and behaved as an ambassador of sustainability 😊 - we gathered the raw material for decoration from around our houses and later conceptualized them all. And when the evening fell, we lit mud oil-lamps inside and at the outdoors, in the balcony and it added a warm festive feeling to my day. Not to mention, how the 'Geru Mandna'  accentuated the earthy decor. The pictures ended long after the call was over and it left me with my muse - 'The Creative Flow & Medium' 

At one point durning scrolling the e-pictures, I went back to a picture of staircases and zoomed-in to see the intricate design It had; I couldn't believe it was me who did it! - all by myself. I was transported back to the deep sense of ease and timelessness I felt as I was putting the designs. On that day of Diwali, there were deep emotions I was soaking up on...while I was feeling the wet Geru dripping from my fingers, I was also holding the red slurry intact on the soaked cotton ball which was tucked-in between the grip of my fingers such that it all gets collected and drip thru the ring finger and the cotton ball was working as an ink refill of a fountain pen, while I draw designs. Each design was emerging effortlessly on it's own and was getting imprinted on the staircase tile one after the other and I was in awe of the feeling of ease that my whole being experienced (which is a rarest of rare occurrence). I even remembered the song that was playing in the background - Ram aange to Angna sajaugi.... probably deep within my heart I was associating the art with welcoming Lord Ram as it was Deepavali day. I wasn't in any rush, nor there was any guests who were invited or expected....but all I know was something in me was elevated to a different zone. This was also the very first time I was not referring to any images on web or internet, my conscience was my reference and library. On and off I took trips to my childhood where I recalled my aunt (eldest Badi Mummy) who would do these at the entrance of house door, shops and near the Mandir space and I would be her baby assistant following her to every nook and corner of the house, tracing in my mind her hand moves as she interchanged between the red and white Geru and a design gets crafted. It all gave me immense joy and a weird sense of completion as if given a chance, I would just want to do these endlessly and decorate every surface. 

As I was penning my thoughts here, I realized how I usually struggled to try different Artworks, feared exploring different mediums or the creative depth for either the cost involved in it or fearing failures.. inspite of no-one to question me or judge me but an intangible mental boundary always exited, hard and loud and it suffocated me. But with 'Geru'- The Earthy medium, I was at my creative best... Flowing effortlessly, fearlessly, without any limits and evolving.

With Geru, I was aware of the fact that water can take it all away in the blink of an eye or stomping shoes on the steps can easily scrub it too but I was thoroughly enjoying every moment of it as it was interlaced with timelessness and this is how I learned the innate affinity of a creative heart towards a particular medium and they both flow together!

💝

(M)Other Day turned happy!

I walked into office cafeteria for breakfast and while I was serving, the chef on duty walked up to me and we started casually chatting about things. 

After the general chit-chat, he inform me that at lunch same cafeteria has a special arrangement on occasion of Mother's day (which was being celebrated today)... And he also wish me "happy mothers day". In my confused state of mind - speculating if today 8th of May is mother's day or it's few days down the line and also wondering why the chef felt like wishing me mother's day?

Two things struck my heart at that moment. One- while serving food and talking with Chef, I generally enquired if he is planning any vacation anytime soon?...to which responded that he will be visiting his home town on his mother's death anniversary, which is nearing. Hearing his response left me numb for a micro second and just than a few other old colleague from my ex-team walked in and started chit-chatting. I had to say bye to the chef and headed to my breakfast table.

While eating, I started to wonder how can just one day make any justice to the role of a 'mother'. It is that girl's whole life which turns upside down as she embrace motherhood (not denying any part of all shoutout worthy father's on this journey and partnership). And then my thoughts drifted off to the life my mom would have had before having me as her first kid.

Totally absorbed in my thoughts I forgot that the celebration in office is predated and I went ahead and wished my mom 1.1 and aunts on the family chat group. In my attempt to tease mom,  I also shared a funny video of her and me where she is applying facial cream to me a bit forcibly but we both were having fun! And I had tagged her saying 'I will always remember this torture 😂'. But that annoyed her and she sent an audio response, warning me in a stern tone...."Hadn't I told you not to share such videos on groups ever?!"

That audio sent a chill across my spine alerting it of harm...and it reminded me of my childhood traumas etc. Now that I am bit aware, I sat with my emotion and just acknowledged it. I forgave myself and my mom for it not being her fault or even if she is struggling with a poor self-image. I wished her well in my heart and thoughts. But deep down...in some tiny-whiny corner of my heart I yearned for her love....her understanding...of her acceptance of me as a child....but possibly that's not for me yet and I am ok. 

Then as I wrapped my office for the day (a bit early) I called her and texted her...felt as if she is avoiding my calls and ignoring and I let her as I too am helpless when it comes to helping her of such situation. Then after a while she sends me a pic of a baby bird that Came in our home garden and my heart was in it's most joyous mode. She asked which bird is it..and my most sincere answer was - Probably the one I have been searching from my childhood..My lost friend. (Remembering a childhood pic of mine with a pet parrot sitting on my shoulder) but she thought I am kidding and again asked (little strictly) to check and let her know. I searched online and it was a budgies...one from parakeet family. Just knowing that a bird felt so safe to land at my hometown and in my home gardens where I use to spend my childhood days playing in mud and among the trees and plants for hours, lifted my spirits. Mom had offered some chapati pieces and water. She herself was amazed with the ease of that bird and that she was eating effortlessly. And to me it was a magic to feel my Mom's love through that birds visit.

Indeed God has a wonderful way in which it speaks and soothes ones soul. I feel blessed. I shared that Bird pic on my status and titled it as ' mere ghar aayi ek nanhi Pari' and those were my truest feelings for that beautiful baby bird💞

Mother's Day turned happy!

And just like that the vacuum engulfed

And just like that the vacuum engulfed,

Not that I wasn't aware...

But I wasn't prepared.

I laughed at the absurdity of vaccum,

It speaks:

And spoke the language that shredded my soul...more and more ..

The deep Kalahari desert of stigma reverberated,

Collapsing all that "I" was...

In my effort to show some love to self...

I frantically search!

Anything to distract myself 

And inadvertently, I go back to

Thinking...how? it all could be...

And just like that the vacuum engulfed.

Not that I wasn't aware...

But I wasn't prepared.

(Dated 21 Dec 2023)

हम सब ने खत लिखे...

हम सब ने खत लिखे...

कभी दया की पर्ची 

तो कभी धर्म का डंका,

कभी प्यार–मोहब्बत के पैगाम, 

कभी मन्नतों के फरमान

कभी खोज–खबर,

कभी सिपाहियों की शान

तो कभी शहीदों के नाम!

कभी लिखे परिणाम,

तो कभी गुण–गान।

हम सब ने खत लिखे...

कभी लिखा यादों को,

कभी लिखा वादों को,

कभी बस मन की नज़ाकतों को...

कभी किया ज़ाया तकरार,

तो कभी सब्र का किया बेड़ा पार।

हम सब ने खत लिखे...

कुछ खत से ऐसे भी रहे

जो कागज़ पे उतारे ही नहीं गए

रहे वो मन के बक्से में..'

बनकर 'खता' किसी की

जो लिखे तो गए, 

पर रह गए दबकर ....

'अहम' के सिरहाने तले।