Inner sanctuary & a musical escape

I learned today how music has so much power! Something so mundane and overlooked as a talent can be so powerful that it can uplift and transport us...any guesses?

Well...it's the joy of art of humming a song :)

Cling on to a soulful melody which makes your heart sing and dance. This simple act can be profound source of solace, especially amidst the chaos of everyday life.

In the bustling market of malleshwaram, amidst the noisy surroundings, and few explosive reactions of mom, and while I was waking along the streets, I heard this soothing music from a radio playing at a Hawker's shop. 

The song that comforted me was the music and these specific lyrics, infact the shopkeeper too was singing it aloud and I picked it from him

..it was contagious ☺️💖

...

"अपने संग अपनी नगरिया, 

हा हा हा, इनको हम ले के चले हैं

अपने संग अपनी नगरिया"

(Mausam ka jaadu song from Hum apke hain kaun. I must say the duo - lt. Lata Mangeshkar and S. P. Balasubrahmanyam's voice was the one that touched my heart and soul. thank you 🙏)

If I dive deep into the meaning of these lines, it seem to be about carrying one's own city within, resonate deeply with the idea of finding inner peace and contentment.

No matter how much the external environment is against you, if one focuses on that one melody, nothing in the world can touch our sanity of mind.

And that song reveled to me that our personal World can be a sanctuary, no matter where we are.

Complex tapestry of emotions

Lying in bed this morning, I collected my scattered thoughts into a mental basket of analysis. A call from a friend nudged me. His father was hospitalized due to medication side effects, and he needed my scooter for transportation.

I'd planned a breakfast outing with Mom, but she preferred to stay in because it was too early (around 7 AM). I was concerned about the Monday morning traffic and had suggested we start at 7 and return by 10 AM, before my meetings began.

Having slept at 1 AM, I woke up feeling a bit lethargic. Endless mental chatter about life's complexities filled my mind: right and wrongs, moral values, growing up, seeking permission to do the right thing, the definition of "right," the need for labels, and whether these questions could unlock a path for my mental seeker.

Who should I share these conflicting thoughts with? is there anyone who would even understand me? or how do I makesure I understand myself atleast? the anger due to dependency and helplessness, The plans I would make whereas one that would eventually be, work, meaning of my presence here on this earth, financial stability or instability, the fallback or reliability options; if any, the internal war of feelings due to mis-alignment of heart and circumstances... of the futile efforts to fix a certain thing or situation of life, of why the self acceptance is hard? the events we experience, the battles we fight, the depth of knowledge we gain to aid to certain relationships but the dead-end we feel because it's just us in it for it....rest have moved on, or were never there in the first place, the distress we go thru to find solace, meaning, resonance with wider society but rather being pushed into disrupted episodes..... blah blah blah.

I had to wear my action hat and get going! I reconfirmed with mom if she still wants to go out or shall we cook at home and she said anyways, you will eventually give your bike to your friend so let's cook and eat at home. I wasn't in the space to read between the lines and clarified that 'No', I haven't committed but I would after knowing your preference. And we decided on our home cooked breakfast menu. 

Just that conversation displaced me from my space of limited ease I have had....I left home to ride my bike and hand-it over to him, and on my way back, stopped at a vegetable shop for some veggies for Lunch. 

I could feel how my whole being is screaming for answers for myself and some wisdom to be able to crack a balance to be able to crawl, if not walk.  

I ask myself, did I ask for this, did I choose it for myself, didn't I see things/ events coming, the feeling between moral bonds and one those are of hearts and the desired dedication towards them. At times I would just want to tightly hug someone I would feel belonged to but un or fortunately It just me to be with self or Mother earth or trees who would comfort me.  

Just when I broke-down, a willingness shone from behind the piles of tired thoughts and feelings...A urge to sit under the morning sky,  take a pen & paper or the screen and begin to write, write and just write......

At last, I am here navigating thru my weak moment...and the ease comes from knowing - everything is transient. 

Follow your heart...May be you are being invited.

Don't know to where to begin! from thoughts of grace, worry, shortcomings, blessings, magic, intimidation, reflections of feelings that are screaming loud to everything that crushed my confidence and the leftover belief in self. 

And my analysis states - beginning where you are is the best step forward. 

A few hours back, I was thinking of about last evening. Our visit to a tea shop (Karnataka Tea stall), which we walked-up to, just for our most cherished Ginger tea <3. It was a beautiful weather for chai and we walked around an area that has a triangular park which has tall trees all around it's periphery. I fondly call that lane as Ooty road because of the tall trees and canopies along the road. And on rainy or winter evenings there is a beautiful mist all along and the yellow street lights add a touch of heaven to it.

At the tea stall, Mom and I placed our order and took half portion of a chakli (salted spiral fried snack made with rice flour) each, to munch and settled at a side of the staircase of that tea stall. 

In a truly classic way it was our nukkad tea moment. There were many passer's by who would look at us with wonder - two ladies sitting at a smoke joint and having tea :P. Anyways....we enjoyed that throat soothing chai and soon there were many other customers...primarily the smokers and we decided to leave.

we both were wondering what next?...and we had to book an auto accordingly as mom wasn't comfortable with walking anymore (or mentally she has considered herself so weak & no amount of boosting her confidence helps rather it would fire back on me and I would stay away from it consciously and tell myself, may be that is not my place :(). 

Mom suggested we skip mall visit and go to a nearby temple and with the minimal knowledge of the directions or name of temple or deity she conveyed to me from her experience of one of her past visits. for example, What about that Sai temple we had been once which has rose flower vendors outside (Sai baba mandir), or The Hare-rama, Hare Kishna temple that I visited alone and you were waiting for me outside (ISKON Vaikuntha hill) or the temple that you visited a week back on last Saturday?, isn't it the same you had once taken me and we had lit Deepa in a coconut shell? (Ayyapan swamy temple).

Seeing my confused state of mind, she said, let's do Sai Temple. And I was having the last sip of my tea and in my heart I knew something is nudging me and I blurted to mom with a face of a 5 year that my heart isn't at Sai temple at the moment and since it's sunday, I do not feel like visiting Ayyapan temple either. My heart calls for ISKON and she said...so ok, lets go there. I was relieved because I wasn't sure how mom would react to this and I went thru a lot of mental calculations in that fraction of a second. 

I opened Uber app and added destination as Vaikuntha hill...My heart was excited and already was at that hill, feeling the chill breeze, clear twilight skys, the panoramic view of the city from that hill which would look like a million stars blinking on earth. Then a doubt creeped-in, what if the destination I added in the app would let the auto driver stop at the entrance of the temple campus and then mom would have to do a mini hiking and that would result in going against her comfort and ultimately she will hate me for that and get mad at me. 

I immediately changed it to ISKON, knowing fully well that there are only two ISKON temples in BLR.

The auto arrived at the tea stall, in few mins and we boarded. Few minutes into the ride, the driver took a turn into a lane which, to me was not the lane towards ISKON, for a moment I thought may be a new lane connecting to the temple and then I checked the app, map showed we are 2 mins away whereas the surroundings were nowhere like a hill, rather we were in middle of a busy road. I panicked and wondered at the same time and asked driver if this is the Vaikuntha hill (which is also south part of BLR), he said this is ISKON south and in the next moment we were stopped in-front of an elevated big hall with a corridor around it and steps leading to a beautiful wooden door with intricate carvings and into the main hall which was well lit. There were some people from the Temple commitee standing out and they saw the confusion on our face and a bit of hesitation and called us and said, "Hare Krishna! pls come" and they gestured us to proceed towards the main hall.

We have had washed our feet and hands before entering the hall. The hall has big mats spread on floor for both Men and women devotees separately on each side along the length of the hall. On right of the entrance door was Beautiful marble deities of Lord Krishna, Radha and Krishna's twins (as I could understand) and on the extreme left center was the idol of "Founder Acharya His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada".

(the only picture I could pull from Google search)

Mom took the chair at the end of the hall and sat, where as I sat on the mat on floor, near her. Soon it was 7:03 pm and also the time for evening Aarti. Everyone stood-up at their respective places, there were three priests standing in-front of each of the idols and one of the priest commenced the aarti with blowing the conch!. I was loving every bit of it and especially the conch sound....every cell of my being was so tuned to it's sound!

Thereafter, we were all informed that this is an auspicious week known as the "Holy name week" and that we should all do the chanting - "Hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare, hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare" and for almost 20mins the whole premise was in sync and changing in unison. I was sitting there chanting with my eyes closed....trying every word I utter to be with consciousness and reverence. While chanting I went in and out of thoughts, feelings, wonderment, the session on DNA etc and at one point, my heart melted and tears surfaced with the burst of feelings of awe and extreme love in the knowledge that how my heart was tuned to something and I just blindly followed, I was handholded, I was led to this whole experience. I felt I was personally invited to that Aarti, just when it was time. I was speechless, I was overwhelmed and deeply touched. 

In that hour of celebrations, devotion, love and coming together, I let loose myself and was just being there, still in the magic of that moment.

DNA Activation session

Last week, strolling thru instagram, a notification popped-up, it was "DNA re-patterning with Nada yogi Vibhushri Rivesh Vade".

Don't know why, but I thought I could enroll mom into. It was just two hours, the maximum my mom can focus, outside the needs of her grown-up kid's (Tea, coffee, food, Clothings, shopping etc). The idea was to introduce her with a new experience, a channel to know and welcome ease in her life and let go her restlessness. But again, I cannot take this decision on her behalf or say enforce my thoughts to her or anyone for that matter! and such stuff is meaningful only if one is open and receptive enough. 

Yes, it took me bit of explanation to convince her, that it is a very nominal enrollment fee and just two hours of session. And she agreed half-heartedly. I know...I am may be becoming very mean.

Anyways, the session was about to begin at 7 pm today and I could see, starting 6:30pm , Mom getting restless. She was in a rush, to close things eg. lighting the evening lamp which we usually do at 7 pm, she wanted to finish her evening tea, etc. I had taken a deep nap this afternoon so I was well rested. At 6:33 pm she went to the veranda to read on her kindle and at 6:55 pm, I called her in as the session was about to begin and had the laptop set on the table, for her.

When she came, I told her, I will sit in the other room so that she can fully engage in the session and if there is any interactions that she may not feel comfortable to share around me, she can be free in my absence. She panicked and her face became pale as if it was some sort of exam. I assured her, nothing to worry and that I am around to clarify anything she isn't able to understand. But she was bit annoyed at me and was irritated too...this was continuing from this morning though. To some extent, I know and not (¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Moreover, she was the attendee I had enrolled, not myself and I din't feel it was ethical on my part to be hiding in the background.

Eventually, after an exchange of few harsh words, we both settled for the session and because the topic was of interest, I sat next to her listening and helping her with the Zoom tools and interactions. 

Overall, we went thru a lot of history about Nada Yoga,  the research work Vibhushri ji has done and various walks of life that he is trying to spread his knowledge to reach million individuals i.e. Traumatized kids, slum dwellers, via Garbh sanskars for Mothers, leaderships in corporates etc. and then he briefly talked about the four areas of one's life that one can identify patterns that are rooted from and to DNA i.e family History, Health History, Personal Challenges and Business or career challenges.

All online participants were asked to reflect and write any patterns that they identify, eg. relationships, trauma, cashflows, growth hinderance in business etc. 

Mom was blank and I had to break down the problem statement for her, with few examples from what I have noticed in her life eg. her belief related to health, aging, financial shortfalls and anger associated with it etc. Since I attended the session all thru, I thought to jot down my own patterns too. 

We were asked to further scan our patters with the below three Qs.

1. Do we really want to change that pattern? (Y/N) (i.e. What will we gain, are we able to think of the other-side....of gains, that we will experience by this shift?)
2. Since, when are we experiencing the pattern?
3. On a scale of 1- 10 (1 being least), do we rate the intensity or trouble from that pattern?

I was quick to jot things as if it's my second nature :P

After, we were all done, the instructor asked us to lie-down in a comfortable position and  certain bell sounds were being played. Those sounds had different impact on different people, eg. I could feel a short interval of pinching pain in my right ear which I usually experience if I am suppressing anger,  then the pain moved to my head closer to my neck. The bells felt so healing and my body could feel the vibrations. Overall, it was rejuvenating. While in that bell therapy, I went thru a lot of thoughts about emotions, feelings, my own patters eg. feelings of Anger, irritation, fear, resentment, lack and desperation for validation, overthinking, childhood traumas and how at different arenas of my life it would show up, I thought about mom and had a deep sense of gratitude that she at-least continued with the session and not walk away as she would do with me, at times when we are in a conversation.

At last, there was some promotion about another detailed course being offered at a discount and QnA from the participants. Since, I wanted to come clean, I informed the organizers that along with my mom, I was there behind the screen and that I would pay for +1. That also urged me to feel eligible to ask about one particular pattern that I have been trying to find root cause for and raised my hand. 

Early in the session, we were told that Vibhushriji can pick roots of any pattern from the voice of the person too and I somewhere had faith in it.

My Qs was - Though I am immensely blessed financially and in many aspects of my life, why is it that I have been coming across people who are in dire need of money? I am not against any support I can extend towards them, but I am uncomfortable with me getting emotionally involved in the other person's journey and it drains me, what do you think could be my root case for this problem?

Answer from Vibhishri ji - This has become your emotion, more like your heartbeat and it comes from the emotions from your mother's womb. At the time she was carrying you, you do not know what they would have experienced but because you feel other's feelings it is woven in your rhythm of heartbeat. 

Why are we taking about heart here?...we intended to tackle DNA..isn't it? heart is for emotions and emotions are frequency and frequency works with the deeper DNA level.  He asked me if I am from Chennai and I said no, from BLR.

I was mind blown with his response and at the same-time, it lifted a huge baggage of guilt and self-doubt that I would have carried all thru for knowing about and everyday peeling the layers of  mother's trauma and how it shows-up for me and the conflicting emotions I would deal with one as someone a victim and another who loves her mother and doesn't want to think or feel bitter against her, but it gets tougher and tougher.

I thanked him. And acknowledged - how spot-on his response was! and that, I had recently learned about mother's trauma too. For which he said, yes, these are all chains of patterns, one generation experiencing it and carrying it forward to another and someone has to break those chains consciously by working on ourselves because we do not know what the previous generation have had experienced or dealt with.

--

Mom was around and overheard the answer. She thought, I am complaining about her to them etc. But, with intention to not leave any space for mis-understandings, I later took her thru the whole insight about my question (I had asked in english) for which her emphasis and response was - Yes, you will have to correct it for yourself (by working on it) and it is normal that a child can take-up emotions of mothers, from her womb. 

I din't know what to say, I became detached and felt that I am scratching  my wound more and more with my own expectations.

--

(Reminder to self - ✍ 💝 Carryon, with a little more gentleness and love, Tanu. Brrrreeeeathhhhh.....🫂)

Hugs and cuddles

 I was lying next to mum this evening, after returning from work. 

For some reason, I longed for a warm hug, one that is so pure, earthy and comforting. One where thoughts are wiped off  brain; mind and heart feel home; the whole body is at ease. And that, in my experience, happens either in deep friendships or relationships with a strong foundation of respect, trust and surrender.

In that moment of longing, I randomly look for 'hugs' on Google image search and found numerous couples pictures where they are in a warm embrace, sketches of cuddles, animes, few were of people and there beloved animals. 

Just then, I remembered about a specific black and white picture of a black horse and a baby girl hugging it. I dearly loved that pic and felt as if it spoke to me in a language or warmth that I longed for...I also rememberd, for a long time I held on to that picture on my phone, it would give me sense of ease and comfort.

Same evening, when we returned from our shopping and dinner, I wondered, as a child, who would I run to? Where was my comfort and vibes that of my tribe?

A memory of dark, fearful nights flashed...                I was a little girl of ~7 or 8 years and at night, I would sleep in the largest room i.e the living room/ hall. Some days, In middle of night, I would wakeup in panic and fear, would look for someone elderly around me and if I don't find anyone, I would sheepishly go to the next room which was my grandparent's room, it has two parallel cots and a wooden table in between. Each of those cots were half of that of queen size beds and enough for one person to be able to sleep.

I would softly nudge my grandmother in middle of her sleep, pull that long table and cling to her big round and soft belly and gesture her to accommodate me. Without a word she would tug me next to her, comfort me and put me to sleep.

A tear popped up like this buried memory from my conscience. Probably, through a hug,  I longed for that feeling of comfort, ease, peace and safety. 

Binded vs scattered

An observation from my journaling journey...

I use to use an unstructured approach i.e. of loose blank white paper (A4 or A3) sheets to write down thoughts, feelings, etc and later trash them. This method inadvertently conveyed a message of impermance and lack of value for my own thoughts and feelings. 

Eventually, the saying " When the student is ready, the teacher will appear" came true for me.

I met the right people who guided me, helped bring a structure to my scattered thoughts and life, and it so happened that at one point, when I was looking for a paper to pour my thoughts, I couldn't find one; rather I had a brand new notebook lying infront of me, at my desk. It was a gift from a couple friend of mine and had their Goa pictures printed on the cover page. Till that moment, I use to wonder what will I do with that personalized notebook.

But it turned out to be a catalyst and served as a turning point in my journaling journey. I restarted Journaling with a more intentionally organized manner.

And today, looking back at that, the binded note book was a great decision! It helped me reflect on my progress, filter the unwanted noise and clutter from my thoughts.

✍️🦋

Stressed

Working from home, today.

At a point during the day, my attention was drawn to my breath and the uneasiness I was feeling since the time I sat for my office work. And wanted to check-in with self, and realized I have been very stressed all thru for no visible signs of any external trigger. Possibly, it is the presence in which I grew-up, a constant reminder to be a certain way, more like walking on egg shells and be super careful not to hurt or make anyone angry. 

I wasn't able to focus on work or wasn't in mood to work, rather pushed myself hard to stick to the tasks on hand. 

To acknowledge that I am going thru a feeling of stress was something so new to me but a good sign of growth from what I was to what I am becoming.

I checked-in and asked myself, what all is bothering me.... And I had a long laundry list of stuff: 

1. Last night, conversations I overheard between mom and a maternal aunty and the tone of it. It deeply bothered me. And having that feeling of detachment from such vibes makes me self doubt. 

2.  On my work days, how to keep mom busy with something she will enjoy and lack of any concrete action from my end bothers me and I get self critical.

3. There is a lot I would like to convey to my brother as he sets on to find his life partner or companion and shield him from any unawareness of un-attended, unhealed traumas from the relationship our parents shared. But I am not around him and Phone call is not that I would be comfortable with. I just wish I have that grace to be in peace in my heart and be able to bless him and his life with ease, health and wellbeing of togetherness.

4. Unable to meet my friend suffocates me,  I crave for the deep soulful conversations and walks. And a certain life events of their life concerns me and makes me question the true meaning of my life and it's purpose.

5. There is a void I am trying to fill but I am so detected to myself at such days.

6. What's next for me is a question that is surfacing more often these days

7. The book - Palace of illusions had a deep impact on my emotions and because I completed reading it last night. I feel there is a lingering set of feelings I am still feeling and few episodes from that writing is surfacing in intervals and nudges me. I was so absorbed in that and I know it will take me few days to get back to normalcy.

8. It is becoming very hard for me to be in my 'now' and just make peace with it and not get pulled by the unnecessary pull of past or future. But I am deeply thankful to this awareness and the skill of typing or journaling that is proving to be a boon for me, in my life. 

I often slip in and out of seeing mom as she is and comparing myself. I see she has a wealth of knowledge gained from her transformation (both mentally & psychically) over the course of her life's journey; whereas, what I have and is all at intellectual levels. I wonder if this makes me less than anyone for any reasons?..at various aspects of my being. 

My heart is heavy and eyes loaded with streams of tears to find their way out but I lay down with the excuse of an afternoon nap and shut my eyes close. 💔🫂