Too much to love and too little to live

Yes, a few months back, I found one and today  I was finally there! -  at the ayurvedic salon.

I was drawn to it because it was something my heart was seeking, a space that nurtures the deep knowledge about skin care, grooming etc thru natural products, sourced from the nature.

Though I was told they use all ayurvedic products and when I checked composition on a product label, it did had a base of chemicals. Anyways, I think it's foolish to look for purity in today's era.. 

Just as I was stepping out of the salon, I saw a brightly lit board on the other side of the road that said "Nativehood with the tagline - Joy of Indian crafts". The name itself appealed to me and knowing I may end up doing impulse shopping, I resisted a bit but eventually crossed the road and went near to it, the board was hanging at the boundary wall of a house. 

I entered and loved the earthy feeling of that house. It was a brightly lit house converted into a shop. It had those red coloured floors that I had seen only in olden days. Step by step, I was fighting the urge to go further....but the shop was so beautifully done that I surrendered. The wooden shelves, holders made of bamboo displaying the Dohar that were made of pure or mul cotton and printed in beautiful intricate soft elements or block or batik prints with various bright and earthy colors

I felt in love with the place. For the initial fifteen mins the owner of the shop wasn't around as she has been out for a sales delivery. I was attended by a sales girl who seemed to be an intern...

From one room to another, from displays ranging from that of frocks, kaftans, kurtis, pants, babies dresses to ceramic crockery, to handmade stationeries and few jewelleries like fabric bangles, bohemian earings and some studs, to beddings and lenins...I was being lead by the earthy feeling of that house and the smell of cotton. 

When It was time for me to try out clothes, I was lead to a small room at the end of the house and that felt as if it would have served as a small store room. I stood there admiring the simplicity, the unevenness of the walls, the human feel that is still alive in it, the humble truth of us human beings that we will eventually leave one day...that small encloser opened my mind to the transient nature of life and I took few mins to collect myself back and start trying dresses. 

I don't know what was unfolding around me today and I was feeling a different flow in my whole being. I was guided and lead towards things that are so dear to me and I love them. 

Inspite of thoughts like -  you have dues to pay for house whitewash, you just spend a good amount on salon, that enough! it's just the beginning of the month and that you are travelling too, the paycheck date is far away 😀 and who knows probably you may not continue the job...so shop next time. 

But, I am me...I am like what if it's my last day will I still restrict myself? Eventually, I ended up buying a frock, a veil and a handkerchief. (All things love)

Hence the part - so much to LOVE 💕 

I wanted to further keep walking in the bylanes but I was getting hungry and I had food at home so thought not to roam mindlessly and end up hogging street food.

Then, I messaged my friend asking whereabouts, if dinner is done and wellbeing of a dear one (suffering from a life threatening condition). The response was :

Yes. 

okie.

Those two words spoke volumes and the vacuum too. How can people muster the courage to be by the side of a dear ones while they dealing with sever health conditions or almost counting days they would be alive or dealing with the way body is going thru hurts or pains etc?

What hurts me more is that inspite of the old age, the ill person is willing to consult and seek alternative medical support but unfortunately none available and there are many complications. I know it's not at all easy for my friend and it crushes me completely to feel the pain...

And I wonder why is it that we have so many aspirations...or so little endurance that sometimes asking for death is the only way forward.

I am at loss of words....

May God bless them all 🙏🌸

The year to shed and work on shadow

I had promised myself to journal about the shadow questions and they are so draining and gut wrenching that I cannot attend to more than three in one go...

When attending to them, I also realize how much I have been bearing in terms of hurt, painful feelings, fears, unresolved emotions, longing, shame from relationships or trust being misused, self doubt for many reasons etc. In addition,  everyday life, brings it's own share of experiences and impacts.

With year- 2024 sun-setting, me having ruminated  it a thousands of times with the memories of how the events panned-out, the good, bad or  unbearable memories of those events and in my own desire to re-define the new year 2025, to be the one ringing in to more new aspirations, to bury all that I wanted to come to terms with, leaving behind the 2024... including any rage or bitterness I hold.

In that respect, I started to dwell more and more into all sort of knowledge and resources on feelings that I struggled with, the heaviness or knot I still cannot left go off my chest, the memories of words spoken as promises and were backed-off from, which creepes up at any random isolated moment and which makes me question my own self worth...and look down upon.

Not just that, it then leads to some aspects of childhood traumas, work related unique challanges, health, age and time that is ticking or anything that is associated at emotional level is weighing heavy, adds up.

I took solace in pausing but mindfully bring some routine to ease my being, to allow myself space to be truthful to self even if that means a lot to let go off, to accept the path that life is unfolding and holding for me, to prioritise people and places that feels like I belong with them..

Thinking all this also brought forth that I am constantly consuming too much of data and overthinking information and not actually making space to be, to internalize the new knowledge, to take time to act and build a rhythm and flow into the new wholistic ritual for ease in my own being. And that screamed that I need to learn to shed...

Shed the love and grief,

Shed the need to be conventional,

Shed the safeguarding layers on my pschyce,

Shed the burden of holding the responsibility for others...be what they would feel, do or interpret of my actions.

Shed the exhaustion that I feel with such sabotaging,

Shed the fear of loosing. Be it a job, a position, time, probably a love or only one that I know off..

Shed collateral damages done to me or that I allowed into myself,

Shed that noise in the head that is addictive 

Shed the knowing that I have passed the age,

Shed not being bold to lead

Shed the masculinity that I continued to portray to safeguard the 'Feminity' of me.

Shed the fire of rage

Shed the hope of gones to come back...

Shed the shadow 

Realising the ease, grace and bliss.