Random pockets of Art indulgence

 

Beds of dry leafs

Beds of dry leafs
And continued showers of the silent fall...
Though it looks withered all around,
Nature is telling me - Not at all!

Look up! With Canopy gone,
thru the maze of tree-veins,
The sky is seen all along...

Those quiet walks,
Are now rustle-snaps!

Those spare leaves, still intact,
Aren't those the 'chimes' that act?

Those grey lanes are now...
A gentle mix of earthy palette - leathery ochre and toasted brown!

Bright summer peaks in golden glow,
To pass the crown to the monsoon's flow.

For now;

Observe and enjoy - 

Beds of dry leafs

And continued showers of the silent fall...

Everyone can Bloom

Yesterday, as I was putting my footwears before boarding the cab for office, I noticed a bloom in one of the dormant plant, or say the one that I know was just a show plant, with great capacity to multiply itself without much care, attention or even lack of space to expand but also purifies air!

To me, it hurts to trim my plants and I like them wild and free but this one I couldn't let break the plastic pot in which it was dwelling so Some years back, with heavy heart I had cleared some of the tiny buds.

Back to today, my heart swelled with pride and joy and when I saw there was a beautiful fountain like flowering on the buds and with water droplets shining like diamonds in the summer morning.

This was a surprise and an awakening for me. Infact many times my limited set of green buddies have given me such surprize where they surpassed their own limitations (one that was in my head for them not a flowering plant) and Bloomed!

Bloomed where they were,
Continued to grow deeply and slowly...at their own pace,
Continued to be what they were, absolutely unapologetically! And did the best they could - Bloom!

--

In the current phase of my life where I had strong expectations of my growth at work life but the management decided 'No', I was shattered, I felt lifeless and uprooted, I cried and questioned myself, one blow and it hurts all those hurts that I carried, the stress dint do any good either, sleepless nights, throbbing headaches, cough and cold and  tears....They all allowed me to survive and in times like this, this magical sight of the snake plant bloom was a beautiful and humble reminder - 

Everyone can Bloom!

माँ

And it's Maa's Birthday today :).

My garden is already blooming in the joy...with her favourite flowers i.e. Sadbahar (Hindi) 🌻 

I had wanted to decorate this blog post with an image of the wall art, assembled to form the word

 'माँ'

I had seen this wooden art piece installed at the reception of one of the guesthouse where I had recently stayed in. the woods were one which looked like fossils..ancient, washed by waves or ocean.

I was stunned for a moment when I accidentally saw it and was deeply moved seeing that art form. It had something about it that made me pause and look deeper, to it but inward in myself...

It felt alive to me.

I stayed glued where I was standing and continued to stare for long, as if I was capture every detail, every carved lines in that assembly in my heart.

I trust it's presence was speaking to the reality of my life and had the culmination of both my mom's I.e. - a Maa (mother) who gives birth and the maa (nature, trees, woods) who nurtures.

--

Thank you God for all the love and light, for Grace and wisdom, for Maa and Papa, for ease and well-being, for all the blessing 🙏🪷

Happy Birthday Maa🍀🙏🪷

मेरी जिंदगी

किससे कहती कि शायद अकेले पन से डरती थी मैं,

किससे कहती कि शायद कहीं रुक जाने से डरती थी मैं,

फिर वो - एक जगह, एक घर, जिंदगी हो या कोई रिश्ता...

पर जाने अनजाने में इस डर से भागते भागते भूल ही गई कि कहीं दूर,

अपने ही अंदर में बस रुक सी गई हूं मैं,

जैसे जिंदगी से ऐसी झूठी उम्मीद बांधे हो कि वो हाथ थामकर ले चले...

पर भूल ही गई थी कि - 'मैं' ही मेरी जिंदगी हूं!

---

Finally, I see 'me'!

And I am deeply greatful for the moments I got to spent there, by the sea.

Reflecting at my life, the questions, the discomforts the memories that have caged me and the interlaced pattern across all, the subconscious choices I made and suffered, the lingering hurt,

not just this, I went on conversing with Gemini and got a deeper understanding of my life's situation and it prompted me to use various emotional hygiene checks, provided acceptance and validation that it takes time and it's ok...

I learned how a certain gesture or word would feel more like a personal attack instead of a favour, how zeigarnik effect would drive me crazy and every moment I would be looking for traces to look for an end...a closure to a certain situation!

 Not just this, it acknowledged the cocktail of emotions that I had experienced at any given moment; be it at work, with first circle, a close relationship and even self. How I abandoned myself in the hope that the five year old me would have someone else to come and help her stand tall, would rescue, shield or guide her...but the social withdrawal screamed from within...as I was more of a social butterfly. 

The presence of an elderly made me feel home, the guidance and support felt like a relief that my being never felt and it silently uttered - Finally! And we both continue to play a role, each one of us...not knowing that it could be trauma bonding.

And the more I discussed, the more I wanted to write my journal, more I wanted to cry and rest. Afterall the current me has been lifting this emotional weight since long,  many decades and part of it without the awareness of it's existence. 

I have no idea where will I land with all these transition and shift that I am feeling within and Which is also reflecting in my surroundings...

And sometimes these deeper awareness also creates vacuum in one's life of the habitual fight is flight, chaos or busyness.

But atleast I now know : to feel, is to heal.

I know, as I finally see my younger self. Along the way, many 'me' would die or probably be shattered as the deeper layers of emotions are attended to, but if that's what my journey is - so be it! Tathastu 🙏🪷

--

I could paint a horse artifact at the ashram stay, read at the balcony with the waves begging me to join them :),  I walked and walked... Saw the rising sun and walked on the bold green grass of the lawn...i painted my book too and reflected a bit more..

This was one of my best runaway, because it was the most meaningful and practically more focused on me and my well-being ❤️‍🩹

Thank you, Tan.

Sadhna at Sadhna forest

 Finally! After a morning ride of ~1 hr (started at 5:55 am) I am here and the day starts with...

Gau Seva : Poop collection, hay refill, water refills for rescued cows, brushing the cows... offcourse after getting to know them and only with their concent..

Mine was Vishnu 💕🐄 and it let me be friends with it. 

It was humbling to land into these activities even before any orientation etc as a visitor...and made me think how limited we get with the social status quo, the salaries we get, the things that this money can buy us...and the rat race to win, get more, seek a promotion and what not.

I don't know how and what led me to this but I arrived not just physically but in my deeper core and truth and ease.

Life felt more alive and accepting.

And then the...Yummy breakfast, serving food before consuming, 

Orientation, dry compost demo, mounting way of tree plantation...

Some cleaning Seva, brooming, peeling cardamom for the upcoming vegan festival of three days...

Meeting and speaking to load of strangers, kids and the founder. Seeking his blessings so that I can start something similar....

And the conversations were rich in life! In the language we speak, the awareness we held, the joy in simplest of things like the kids teasing eachother, and making funny faces, completely being themselves. Someone thinking of her friend who could probably be a single mom if she chooses to have a baby...

Parents who were also visitors like me trying to see if they can get atleast one drop of this side of life, 

Volunteers staying away from family for years to be in this ecosystem, shared love and deep belonging...

Then was the Lunch seva, yum lunch, 

Then a free ride seva to one of the volunteer and back to pondy.

My heart was full. 🌝 

The morning ride was adventurous and chilling for the weather I was used too in TN....

A day well lived...

🪷🙏

My true de-stressers

 

My cuppa of 💕 - Vegan Hot chocolate 

Moon lit ocean...😍

Incense and my favourite flower...

&

.

.

.

The sound of waves...

Salute to 'India Post'

 Well, I feel life repeats itself - the good and the k
not so good part...

And long ago, I was told by someone very senior that - You don't heal trauma in the same place it got triggered. 

And it was an eyeopener statement for me but I didn't know where to turn to find my ease, my healing,  my being...so I continued with whatever's was going and as it. Definitely there were emotional turmoils from even more deeper layers and clashes in understanding in relationships etc but life continued and so did I. Unbothered.

But today, for one such similar trigger at work place, I am back to a place that is home to my heart and as fate had it...I couldn't get a accomodation at a location that I usually take so was pushed to take alternative space with check-in at 2 pm...

I then partially reseverd the space, took breakfast at a restaurant in the premise and rented a bicycle.
I visited Ashram for  a 30mins meditation but was more sleepy and back was hurting while I tried..

(Breakfast by the beach ⛱️.. and the waves sound, a gift to my soul.)

Then I saw a post office where I had parked my bicycle and thought of giving a second chance to myself with a postcard to my future self...and I did it!. I felt happy 😊 and hopefully that atleast this one ; being a Domestic postage will reach me or before me :p

--

The other day, In my city, I was to send some parcel to my Dad which had two mini morter-pestal (stoneware), a few packets of indigenous seeds and also a small piece of Sandal that I had picked up from a government exhibition at Pondicherry...for one of my distant  Grandfather. Not just that, I also had to ship a costly watch that belonged to one of my friend who had visited me during year end and missed taking it back. 

I looked for two seperate cartoon boxes, packed them neatly and sealed them with long wraps of sticky cellophene tapes and also stamped the address with a transparent tape.

When at the post office, I was thinking it may be some ~thousand bucks or so for the package that I intend to send...and to my surprise, it was just one hundred and forty two Rupees for the combined shipping.

OMG! I was amazed and superbly impressed at the timing and reliability of the services and I love Indian Post'.

And this postcards were just 50 paisa!! 

A phase...

And then comes this point in life when ... sitting under the moon-lit night sky, I question myself what next...is there anything as next, even?

With my knees held closer to my heart, wrapped in a warm embrace and eyes allowed to pour it all out... I wished...

I wished, I had a friend by my side to hear me out, to help me with my crushing thoughts, thoughts of dejection, worthless and even self doubt...

At one point I felt it's time to head back to the soil where I started from... probably also peacefully die there... amidst the land I had known since birth...

I hope, atleast 'that' I can call and feel as my own?

...Just one call, a few dicision makers and a decision which had this power over me that I felt as if everything is lost...

May be that's the best that can happen...even I was looking for an avenue to figure out what next for myself and this gives me the que, the reason. 

I still don't know why the sobbing...or may be I know it...deep down in my heart's  core...

This shift would mean leaving something I had known for almost two decades, a life I had known as mine for so long, every small corner of this space, this life, every tiny thing that I built on my own...even the trust that I could weave for self -amidst all the betrayals, being called names, or ghosted...

I kept walking.... trusting self and the life...but how do I help myself to deal with this fear of loosing the only known I had built for myself or was gifted with....

Or how do I help myself to be the one by myside? One to see the end in all it's glory and accept it...and let it be...afterall who am I? 

Just another being...

Just another candidate on a spreadsheet of an employer...

Just another person in someone's life...

Just another friend... A neighbour...A tenent...A girl who have dreams, insecurities, worries...

But;

Is also an admirer of the bright shining moon