Codependency

I wokeup a bit tired and still sleepy. Thought, maybe some powerful inner child affirmations might help to pull me out of my sluggish mood but I wasn't paying attention, my body wasn't ready and mind was unwilling...

A few mins later, I had a neighbour stopped- by near the front window as she and I both were waiting for the garbage collector to come. I spoke (or say was the sound board for her) and then told her that will take a nap before the van comes. I then looked for some other video on YouTube, I came across "How to heal from codependency", in my curiosity to get more understanding of what it is ...I started playing it.

All this while, I had a different and very surface- level understanding of the word codependency and partly, I thought it's also being clingy towards a person, thing etc and noticed that I have been very self-critical, even though I hadn't fully known what it means and if or not, is applicable to me and to what degrees.

Well, one who hasn't know what it is to feel safe pschyically or emotionally, would rather be hyper vigilant or deeply self-critical and I know where I stand today; with all the experiences that I called in my life so far. So no harsh feelings...

After listening to that audio, I gained, a deeper understanding of the subject and also a sense of strong resonance with my own behaviour.

If I would rate myself with codependency, I would say I am not so bad but the next moment I wonder, is it so? Is it why I have isolated myself from any social circle? People, friends, or even families?. I do not think I can even fit anywhere and hence for one or the other reason, keep myself engaged in some or the other work or because I am too fearful of the dynamics of social circles, the load of emotional expectations, the words that the world, especially women uses to belittle the other....weighs heavy-a-load and I acknowledge that I am fearful of it all... It hurts me more than I can take. 

After the video, nothing changed for me, I mean the state of my being. I was feeling too lethargic, probably late sleep and emotional exhaustion.

I took charge of my day and did fifteen minutes of yoga stretches, took shower and prepared some sweet for "Ram Navmi" (my way of feeling belonged and not so useless). 

My neighbour had prepared breakfast for me and it was my brunch. I went to sleep again or tried to, but was too anxious and agitated. I played harivarsanam on alexa, thinking it's soothing music and warm lyrics will have a calming effect on me, but everything was in wane. 

I then got up and again ate some spicy and tangy bhelpuri with home grown Tomatoes, in it. I was busy keeping myself busy by moving from one room to the another.

One thing that I keep wondering and reflecting on was : "Betrayal isn't anything, anyone can do to the other...unless one Himself/ Herself is betraying the self".  That self-betrayal can be as insignificant as choosing career path which never aligned with the core calling, or not doing the things that brings joy, always letting others walk-over you, especially taken for granted and disrespected, over and again, in the false hope and confidence that the other would change. But nothing changes unless the core shifts... whether willingly or unwillingly.

I am not sure where this topic is headed now, but the only thing I have realised that worked for me is to take the necessary action in the direction of change, to be the change I seek. 

I know most of my days feels like vaccum and hopeless (ok, not so much, I have great immunity 💪) but I do think the time has come to move into the unknown, for one more time... To find who I am, what I feel belonged to or enjoy being, or love living like..

I do not know where to begin with or if I have already started the journey, this is going to be a constant push and pull, of self judgment and criticism, of decisions or directions being questioned.

Somedays can also be 'nothing' but do I allow and accept it? As it? Or do I panic and get agitated? Will I let the burning questions be unanswered and make peace with the flow of life, do I even have a choice, what guarantee can I hold for myself that I will not look back, trying to find my fault or mistaking the clues life was giving me?..

Whatever it is...let me take a moment of gratitude to wrap the day. I am deeply and truly greatful for :

1.  Maa - Papa and the whole loving and caring family.

2. Loving neighbours

3. Time I took to attend to me and act, engage in activities or events to ease my being... took a long ride, visited three temples, did one hour of beads chanting at Iskon temple, visited ex-neighbour over tea and wished her Belated Birthday.

4. This blog and time I get to be me in the rawest of my form. 

5. All the joy I find in striking the tasks on my to-do lists

6. The weather, winds, and walk around the lake temple.

7. Life, so far and the way I have evolved and new findings about my being with each passing day.

8. The paycheck that gives me the freedom to buy gifts and pamper self and dear ones

9. The depth of emotional sensitivity and me time to consciously let go and heal

10. For everyday magic...People, sky, knowledge, loging and belonging, books and willingness to learn.

Ty God for everything that you have provided for and loving ways you have looked after me 🌸🙏 

A Death vs Deaths - The aloofness

While I had picked up my phone to publish another blog post, one with a pending topic, my thoughts pulled me back to an event or say series of tragedies that shook me and also left me numb....but that was a month back.

 Other than the usual emotional rollercoaster that I  go thru or while living my day as it comes....I knew there was something I hadn't acknowledged deep within and I was being directed towards it.

It was not just the demise of a friend's father that day, but also my distant cousin who was the only one I had known in this new city (then, ~18 years ago), one who had taken me on numerous rides to hunt for a hostel for me, to introduce me to the local food, culture, to be my one point of contact when I had known non..etc. 

And the same day, a colleague of mine lost her younger brother, the most loved one, one amongst three daughters. Her and her parents' plight was unthinkable for me....more so because a few days back, while taking a walk in office campus, we both discussed about her brother's addmission in to a hospital in Chennai, for Pneumonia and that she might have to travel. I remember she did mention that the condition wasn't life threatening, especially for a person not into smoking or alcohol etc.

I feel silly for writing all this here but, I have to, because the day when all these stuff happened, I was in my hometown. The reality of my external surroundings then was way different than what I was feeling deep within, also because there wasn't anyone directly and this deeply impacted and I was mindful of the short period of my visit.

As I am writing, I can feel the heaviness in my chest. Infact last week, I met my colleague and spoke to her, spent as much time with her so that she feels ok to be back in office....(I am sobbing in my body...my breath is talking here).

I also forced myself, last Monday, to go and visit my distant relative's wife too and her twin grandchildren's (a boy and a girl). I took an auto and for some reason tye auto took the same lanes I had arrived at, many years back, and those were also the lanes that I had searched for my hostel with bhaiya.... the memories came flashing back at me and I felt my eyes filled with tears, my chest feeling heavy with overwhelm and fear of how will I face Bhabhi....I hadn't met them since long. Nor was I around when she would have needed me the most. I took deep breaths and took a pause and asked me what is deeply bothering me and once I had my answer, I was in my natural state of being.

 At their apartment, I spent a lot of time discussing my brother (distant relative) who passed away, his daughter's last trimester of pregnancy and her battle with depression, how she had to deliver the kids prematurely due to some complications....

I also spoke to Bhabhi (now widowed)...and heard her cry, talk, miss her husband, feel guilt of being the one left behind, of having to spend the rest of her life without her husband and also as the only one for the new borns, how she has wished to see her husband - again become kids with his grandchildren's and play.

Infact, this morning, I also met my friend whose father had passed away same time, last month and today, while we were sitting at a bench near temple premises and were talking, I looked into his eyes and asked him, For the very first time, feeling genuinely concerned - 'how are you?'..do you miss your Dad? With what all does the memories of him surfaces back?

As I was listening to him, I was struggling to hold back my tears....may be I never took this time to settle with the news from all those people, with my own association with them or theirs....

A weired vaccum or numbness had engulfed me. I was more like a stone being brushed with the breeze of time but I was aloof...

(I was sitting right opposite to this chariot while my friend and I were talking...my ears were listening but heart found ease in this beautiful and meaningful carved peice)...

Later, I took three rounds staring at this chariot ❣️🙏

.still in awe...

Non-seasonal showers

Non-seasonal showers washed the dust that was settled in layers, on those innocent leaves. As the car took a swift turn, so did my eyes; and thru the window pane, I could only see those lush green trees and bright flowers. A sense of renewed energy rushed within me...

As if, it wasn't just trees, my soul was cleaned off.

This time, it was different, I was noticing the built of the trees, how the rain water was slowly sliding down a variety of trunks, height or built shapes of the trees. Those trees never looked this vibrant and alive .. eventually the office campus too felt entirely different to me, something like never before!

 The rain water made them all look cleaned; giving them a straight out of a spa look?. Yet, some part of those trees stayed untouched and raw.

I was surprised by the fact that the permaculture training I took, has started to sprout the curiosity and changed perception of the surroundings...

From my mood, the response instinct, to the happiness quotient, or willingness to learn and work on myself deepened.

I wanted to get creative and click many pictures and capture the freshness, while on an evening walk....

(@campus, from a moving car. thru the droplet covered glass of the car)

(From my evening walk 💝)