Maa ki saree

 While arranging her closet, Badimaa ( father's eldest brother's wife -my Aunt) was showing me a repurposed wedding saree of her own Lt.mother.

Aunt shared that my sister (her daughter) has got her own saree embroidered with that wedding saree which has real silver and gold work and is timeless.

I was in awe with the silver peacock design so beautifully done. And the most beautiful part was the lineage a mother passed on to her daughter. I felt happy seeing that they both kept that space to hold on to those memories.

And at the same time, I asked myself what will I carry from my mom? Hope I will be able to dissolve the generational trauma and anger (Definately not thinking of any material stuff). 

Will I have that heart to hold kindness and love with ease and effortlessness? Inspite of the wound that never heals or gets nudged every now and then?

Well I think there is a reason for everything that God has chosen for me and I should be ok with it all.

Today is Akshya Tritiya, what better day to document this precious and timeless wealth of generations, leniage ✍️💝, and I feel I am still blessed to have many motherly figures in life and my family. Ty God ❤️ 🙏

When the Honks Fall Silent

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed!

Feeling the pain and fear inflicted upon the victims. 

Thinking of people who chose the path of 'Terror'...

Spent nights scrolling through reels, depicting how humanity's landscape is shifting.

Waking up with feelings of rage, anger and helplessness.

How the politicians, those chosen by so-called 'people',

So blind to their own mortality,

Are bent on infusing biases through what was once the beauty of any community..(Language, religion, region and even gender).

And those innocent at heart but deep in ego, get tangled.

I know every humble heart would have bled at this circus of power, territory, position and bloodshed.

Or probably I was in my own state of numbness that in many years, for the first time I hear not the busy roads (with honks), rather silent cry of humanity, that echoes.

I know there is no going back,

There are predictions and there are eras,

But I ask myself, then why the heck we do what we do? Why the delusion?

Insecurities roared even more...

But from whom? 

Sadly, those in our own surroundings...

Because Today I know the other as 'you',

Oh wait! Do we even know eachother?

My mind races to find the endpoint,

Finding none at the farthest of my contemplation,

Realized, the end has to Begin from once own heart,

With courage to look deeper, stand through the despair and through those individual shortcomings 

I know it's hopeless that will knock me down 

Not once but repeatedly 

But somewhere maybe, just maybe!

A hope with birth

To open the arms and hearts to consider the Me to Mine...

This is my Numb-ness expressed thru sobs.

🌹(To every soul that lost their lives and every heart that's mislead, may they find peace 🕊️)

Some mornings😌

Some mornings, all I want is — to cuddle with my thoughts,

Feel loved in the way I want to be loved.

With my eyes closed, 

Worries and burdens parked beside.

Open the doors of memories,

Welcome them, and invite them to sit with me. 

Together, we would write a note to ourselves, 

Pour our hearts into the words, 

Decorate the heart with feelings that nurture.

Open that book, in which the story smells 'familiar'...  

Some mornings, all I want is — to cuddle with my thoughts,

Feel loved in the way I want to be loved.😘💕

Simplest of Joys

One of those days, when I was in outskirts of the city, attending a workshop on mud house construction; taking a morning walk,..I saw a dry spherical flower and I hope it's safe to call it an Indian dandelion 😀💪.

I paused for a moment, looked up, the sun was shining bright from behind a patch of a cloud, right next to a big hill. The wind was pleasant, surroundings were calm and echoing birds morning song...no busy city noise, no tall concrete buildings but grassland and farms, all around.

I plucked one dry spherical flower and blew it in the wind and to capture the beauty of this moment, I was recording it on my phone, held in another hand. Just being able to be playful in the space, moment and nature was the most simplest of act that brought me or say - to my inner child, deep felt Joy...

(actual view)

I  don't remember when was the last time I indulged in such random, simple acts which brings me much joys, except for Ooty; when I first saw a real dandelion at a botanical Garden

 (dint blew it though :p)

(Loved walking on these purple buds)

Here is my list of simple joys that I would like to take stock off:

1. Random Autumn/ cafe/ romantic songs while enroute to work. It has a calming effect on me.

2. My cup of - freshly prepared less milk ginger tea ☕ , tha auroma has an instant connect to my inner peace.

3. Sitting by my small balcony garden and observing the different leaf patterns, especially the broken heart leafs. Those leafs do so much justice to their name and more to my heart with their tender feel and something about them attracts me a lot.

4. Seeing different birds taking a shower in the bird bath and their innocent ways in which they make their presence felt. The harmony among them is effortless and they are equally mischievous 💕...even if they don't fit in the mud bath, they know how to divide the task, such that bums are dipped first and then the breast and face. Splish splash!!

5. Evening ride to either temples where chants happen, lamp is lit, the vibes are high and I feel a different belonging; chats shops during Summers,  tea nukkad to live my awara side of me being me or AOL campus....with enough nature for my soul to surround with.

6. Staring at the sky, be it early morning while the sun is rinsing, night skys or when Brahmany kites are flying. Sky gives me a sense of the vastness when I am too drowned in my limited view of life, it acts as my sound board and also a creative inspiration.

7. Walking amidst tall trees (my soul's oasis).

8. Singing or humming along with a song that beats to the emotions being experienced and that's a highly underrated act. One cannot humm if not aligned within or when feeling anxious.

9. Connecting with strangers like hawkers near temples, kids playing in mud, the auto driver's or even someone at work ..I love to hear stories to keep my heart alive.

10. Being creatively immersed in everything I choose to do, be it dressing, arranging my closet, making cards, cooking, plating my food, gardening or even reading (in my balcony with soft music for my plants and a hot camomile tea 🍵).

--

Ty Tan. Loads of love 💕

An evening with the twins

(started writing on 4/18)

A lot went into the day for this peaceful, yet tiring evening :)

(Resumed writing on 4/19, 2.29pm)

After waking up and feeling clueless on how to go about my day; I had a commitment to keep, but my mind was unwilling to partner.

The commitment was to my distant relative (Bhabhi) that I would visit and spend a night at her home with rest of the family, especially the youngest daughter who wasn't there when I last visited. 

To make sure that I stay on top of my thoughts and  beat any inability to make a decision (even for such insignificant topics), I ditched exercise and started with cooking a yummy breakfast for myself with black ginger tea. I dropped a note to my Bhabhi saying that I would visit her next day (4/19).

My first target was to get done with all mundane chores (including the soaked laundary), except for finishing the unique task of getting 66 dry coconuts peeled and cut open, by applying all my jugaad mind :) and negotiation with an elderly tender coconut vendor.

The story behind these coconuts is another long story...

My neighbour wanted regular coconuts for her daily cooking (GSB food). She was thinking of procuring them from her hometown, which is becoming a costly affair. 

At the same time, I got information from a friend that a pipe at their home broke due to coconuts falling on it, and the bulb 💡 in my mind connected threads. I asked my friend to please supply all of those coconuts (not knowing they would be this dry)

My friend's generosity was such that, everytime my two wheeler (lended) was returned, I would get a bundle of coconuts and soon my balcony was filled with them!

I had to get rid of it this weekend :)

--

At home, after coconut event, which was almost done by 11.30 am, I had to get my heavy load of clothes ironed. I decided to do it myself as that brings me some ease and also gives me time to sit and listen to some meaningful audio on YouTube.

Primarily,  I wasn't feeling all that great last night and had sobbed my heart out :-| (sorry Tan).

Nowadays, I wonder if AI is capable of hearing my thoughts. I came across the following videos, and they helped settled my agitation and bring deeper clarity and certainty to my heart. 

1. Carl Jung | When the universe says no to a Love

2. Carl Jung | exposes how to love anyone without attachment 

Also, my relative called me back to ask if I can drop by today itself...as it was her eldest daughter's (a new mommy to twins - a girl and a boy) brithday tomorrow and she would be heading for a small celebration at a resort, with her husband.

I was left with no choice but to go. I realized I felt less burdened in my heart about it...maybe the audio did some magic. I also took some time to prioritize: get some household work done, take some rest, take head bath and then head to her place. 

In fact, just before calling for an auto, I decided to sit down with my pen-paper and do some Journaling and figure out the deep unrest I felt when it comes to visiting her place. I found a convincing answer to myself, and was more aware and intentional in my efforts to visit her. 

--

At their place, most of my time was spent in taking care of the newborns - twins, a girl and a baby boy, who are three months old.  I was slowly learning to hold them, comfort them in my lap, but it all felt effortless and natural to my being.

I was slowly adjusting to the contrast of the life that I live verses what is there in that 'Now'

 The tiny beings those babies are; the life of a new mother who also lost her father recently;

The support of a mother for her daughter who is a new mom; the uncalled conflicts between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law; family traditions; attending visitors who are there to pay their last respect to my deceased cousin; longing for understanding by dear ones (the new mother's needs); her birthday celebration; First piece of the cake being offered to the photo of the deceased Parent, all the random talks; sleepy eyes, cribs, sleeplessness due to kids experiencing gastric pain and crying all night...the homemade food business (to keep busy, offer the gift to the world and also earn).

Ah... What a day I had! I am not sure if I am a person suited for marriage or having kids....this experience was enough to make me have fewer hopes on myself, in that regards. But I really, deeply enjoyed putting those babies to sleep, feeling their frequent breathing on my palms while holding them, that beautiful smile and holding the assumption that they see and understand us. But for sure, they sense the energy and love around💕.

Love,  grace, Gratitude and wellbeing to all. 🙏

--

Back 🏡 

सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां

जाने क्यूं, सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां भर आती है

याद जब, वो बीती बातें, आती है।

जाने क्या बदलाव की आस लिए बैठे हैं,

कि, पत्थर की लकीर सा सच से आंख चुराए बैठे हैं।

एक कश्म-कश सी लगने लगी है, जिंदगी,

कभी रिश्तों की, कभी एहसासों की, तो कभी बीते 'बोल' की...कश्म-कश ।

थोड़ा- थोड़ा हरवक्त, ग़महीन रहते हैं।

चंचल है मन, जाने कैसे जिंदगी को जीना सीखेंगे,

जाने कब सुकून के किनारे पे लगेंगे,

और बस अपने आज में रहेंगे?

जाने क्यूं, सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां भर आती है

जब बेख्याली में वो एक "याद" आजाती है।

Bhagi bhagi zindagi

Another intentional step towards - what brings me joy :)

(After all the teary calls with colleagues who got impacted at work)

Participated in a workshop on mud house construction at a soulful farm - Mayavadi Organic Farms.

'Mayavadi', as explained by the owner, Maya means Illusion and the word, Vadi has two meanings to it. One in Tamil, that means to wither whereas in another language the combined word means an individual who spells Maya. For the property owner the word is a constant reminder of  'living in an illusion' I.e this earthily life.

My trip started Yesterday morning, arriving at 9:30am, meeting new people, breaking my own barriers for mingling with people of different faiths or having a preconceived notion about them. Getting to know people from different walks of life I.e. a mother and her young girl, who keeps travelling and learning thru home schooling, a girl who left IT job, married a photographer who captures snow leopards and high altitude birds and she keeps travelling across countries for teaching, a young guy aspiring to be a businessman and starting his off-roading arena, an architect, a family with two young boys, coming from a business background and consciously weaving holidays to learn and connect back with nature. 

Before coming here, I had various thoughts and that uncomfortable feeling, While stepping out of my comfort zone, more so because there could be a high possibility of me being all alone, a single girl...but just the idea of getting to play in mud brought back the only happy memories from my childhood, getting lost in the space where I get to play with and in mud. My souls feels the most happiest 💕.And this was one such stuff. 

Aside from mud house construction and raw material gathering, plastering, creating the structure, sitting and securing logs or bamboos l, learning new knots and indigenous techniques of house/ hut construction; what I enjoyed the most was making tea for almost all of us, thrice a day...all these labours 😂, yup that's what we called ourselves.

The funny incident (hope so) was - one of these guy, coming from Haryana, thinking that I am a good girl, came up to me to say that he just missed the chance with me i.e. he just got married a month back else he would have proposed me.🙈🐒🙉🙊

I later realised that I wasn't triggered. I was able to dis-engage immediately without any baggage of guilt, self-criticism etc. May be his presence there was my test.

The most beautiful part of my stay was :

• Playing in the mud, stomping without worrying about anything, be it looks, dress or even the deeply cracked heels

• Hiking at the nearby hill and bathing in the lake towards twilight, just jumping into the lake with same dress we were clad with...muddy, sweaty, dusty :p.
• Spotting a red full moon on the hill.
• Getting lost while coming downhill.
• Hugging a black calf, just 4 days old baby and it was super calm and adorable 🥰 😍 
• Yoga, meditation, stretches. At the end of this session, when I opened my eyes, a Dog came near my hands, licking me and then sat in my lap. I felt deeply loved.
• Farm plucked Raw mangoes, cherries, Guavas, bananas, Bimbli, loads of food, homemade fryums etc.
• Spotting beautiful birds like Peacock and may other tiny ones and listening to their songs.
• Morning walk and the view of flower beds.
• Drive with the sculpture, till the nearest tea stall.
• Playing with Dogs.
• Late night conversations with Harah, Namrata, Nadeem, Shankar etc 
• Wall art flow, complete involvement from inception to material gathering to final execution.
• All the hustle, new friends, new plans that popped-up like bike rides and visit to SAI Sanctuary etc🤞
• Zindagi felt like a mad rush! Right from leaving home for a three day workshop to experiencing it all in those three days, including the tiredness from all the heavy laborious work and scorching sun, hopping cab to bus to auto to make it back home on day 3. Primarily breaking my own limitations...
• Clicking loads of pictures ....

.    

Srirangam Temple visit - Part 3

Similar to churning of an ocean, to bring up deep hidden treasures; a mind and heart has to go thru a journey into the deepest depth of one's feelings and emotions to let the treasure of words weave into a story.

(This corner - the lamps and metal idol, stole my heart. It felt like a mini pilgrimage)

Even though this post could have been published long ago, it took me a little longer and no, I din't attempt to write it in parts either. I wasn't in the flow to re-live that magical experience of my Srirangam temple visit nor was I focused enough, something or the other was taking away my attention.

After the second post, a part of me was also deeply attached and was hesitant to let go or reach the completion. Which would have meant - leaving behind the memories as words, of that fulfilling feeling, resonance, the bliss, how things fell in place, all at once, how I was guided to take the first step in the direction of my heart's calling i.e booking the train ticket. 

Just to recall, I started the blogpost series about my Srirangam temple visit, after seeing the dry flower garland which I had safely put between the pages of a book (Lion's tracker guide to life), I was reading then and one day it slipped off and fell in my lap, exactly when I was thinking of writing my experience but had also given-up on that thought thinking it's too much or that I am not enough to write about it.

I had ended my second post at - how I found solace amidst the moon lit night and slept peacefully facing the temple and the full moon, visible thru the windows and the curtains were spread in a two dimensional tent like setup.

-- now let's get to the last day of my visit:

I had put an alarm for 5:00 a.m. , it was Saturday morning, a day regarded as an important day for the temple Deity and the temple was expected to be crowded.  I was yet to decide whether to wear a newly gifted green saree or traditional Indian salwar suit. This was the very first time in my life that I was carrying a saree along, on a solo trip. I was very new to this part of me, one, who would even think of wearing a saree. With whatever was happening in my mind and my being, of how memories were flashing from the experiences that my body had stored, good or bad. It was hard for me to decide upon the dress that I should wear to the temple that morning, limiting voices were clouding my mind. 

Then, I sat with myself infront of the dressing mirror, looked into my eyes and for a few minutes, attended to the anxiousness by questioning the thoughts and dissecting them - my truth or false beliefs.

I decided that I will keep aside all fear of comparison - whether I can carry or even wear a saree comfortably or not. Will I make a fool of myself if it is not tied properly etc etc. 

To my surprise,  I was ready in 30 minutes itself, including tackling the most difficult part of arranging pleates.

After I got ready, my body was shivering. My heart was experiencing palpitations, something that comes from the low self-esteem, even when one is looking good or when I get conscious of all the eyes on me. I consoled myself saying that it's just a visit and if I experience any discomfort, I can get back to hotel, change into a suit and step out again. 

I immediately left a message to Mr. K, my local guide and trip planner. After few minutes I get a call from the reception that Mr K is waiting downstairs for me and din't carry his wallet or Mobile.

I took my handbag, locked the room and headed to the reception where I was left dumbstruck seeing  Mr.K in his Pooja attire (South Indian), I felt a little embarrassed seeing him with limited clothes on his body but then I withdrew from any further contemplation and focused on my souls journey - longing for this temple visit and to witness for the first time, what is stored for me... On this journey of my  heart's calling.

Looking at me, Mr K. complimented - " you look good yaar and not at all like any amature Saree clad girl; one who would either drape a saree unevenly i.e too fitted or loose and then walk awkwardly" . I didn't know how to internalize this, I was nervous and extremely conscious that I am not perceived differently just because I look good in saree. My mind couldn't decide if those words are compliments or a hint/ ask.

He also commented on the print of my saree and I happily and proudly shared that it was a gift from my neighbour.  Now, a part of me felt a bit confident too; after all Mr. K. runs a saree business and at-least I can be confident about what he saw and acknowledged about saree draping.

Meanwhile, Mr. K reminded me that it is Saturday and the temple would  get crowded sooner and that we should aim at completing the whole parikrama in about 60 to 90 minutes, around the temple across different deities.

As we were walking through the giant gate. Mr. K. inform me that the only Mantra the I should keep chanting all through is 'Om Namo Narayana' (ॐ नमो नारायणः). At this juncture, I had a little seed of respect sprouted for Mr K. and his generosity.

On my way, as I was super excited about whatever was taking place, I also shared with him that Krishna aur Krishnan has been a constant name in all of my soulful trips that is - Bhutan at Tiger nest Monastery or Srirangam...

It was a quite morning but the whole passage from that of main giant entrance, leading-up to the temple was very lively with vendors on both sides, primarily flower vendors. I loved seeing them and those fresh flowers and something in my heart lifts-up when I think of the fate of flower, of those vendor's tender care for those flowers etc. At a small vendor shop (just a platform with some Tulsi, Lotus buds and Dhurva) I picked-up two Lotus buds and some dhurva, I did ask Mr. K which flower does the deity/ God loves or which is the usual flower offered to Mr. Ranganatha swamy? He said take a Lotus. 

Since, I was wearing a saree, I wished if I could put a white Gajra (garland) for my hair bun. For a moment, I remembered Maa, she always loves Gajra, especially on certain occasions and I believe that urge is genetically wired with me, because of her. But on the contrary a few other thoughts stopped me from thinking about it, I mean, a bit of Jainism (being considerate about other visible and invisible tiny organisms, including nature) and I just told myself, it ok dear.

At few places, I stopped and clicked a few pics too but Mr. K was taking a walkathon speed and I had to follow him. A part of me was grateful for his presence and a part was tensed and nervous...my gut was telling me something else. Near to the temple, we left our footwear's at a stationary shop, it was the closest to the temple main entrance door.  

With the intensity of our walking, my mind was also racing with thoughts and heart was experiencing disbelief that I am 'here'...everything that lead to this day, this visit etc...

As we entered,  there was a square varandah sort with the Dwaja pole; pointing at a navigation board near the next entrance wooden door, Mr.K said that the main deity's temple is straight, then there are many other shrines like (Ranganayaki and Chakkaratalvar, Ramajunam etc) in the complex. He also shared that devotees primarily visit the Ranganayaki first and then then Ranganatharswamy, stating that she is a very powerful deity here and commands that respect and once a year only she is taken out.

(looks like I underestimated the vastness of my experience and limitations of my words....+ the curiosity that I get lost in while searching for certain name, words on google but end-up finding more about this temple, the belief, architecture etc. shall attempt to return to this post again tomorrow...)

(Resumed on Apr/23/2025, 8am; during office commute)

We started walking towards Ranganatharswamy shrine and there were two access points, one as a fast Forward (by passing any que) and second was thru the que that moves in a reptile form where humans are guided with metal barricades; to me, it's pure crowd management and a bit of politics and some bit of business too. Afterall for fast forward access devotees have to pay and take a token.

I was carrying some bit of cash but was also following Mr. K and he seemed to have a way with the folks as his wife comes everyday to this temple and they all know her and him. In my heart I just said, I am ok with any path that you suggest. And the next minute, I see Mr. K having a word with the executive at the fast forward access gate, in Tamil (I don't understand much). He was let go in, first and  I followed. 

I was walking with mixed emotions of nervousness, self-doubt, awe for the heritage of this structure and disbelief that I am here!...(As I write I experience it again). And sometimes it makes me think...if there are no coincidence in life's events, then what invited me to this space? 

We had to walk in que and around the ancient stone pillars, Pillars that have carving and are treated with chemicals for their longevity. the pillars also marks the specific area within that hall as a designated area for certain tasks for the deities to be carried out.

Mr. K pointed at a central structure of four pillars between them, on the platform was a Silver pot with carving, shaped like sprouted vessel and said that this is used to bring water from a nearby well during Bramha muhurt and a elephant is used for the transportation. Also, every morning the Deity's chambers opens in the presence of an Elephant, a horse and a bull. I felt and instant gratitude for the people who are able to keep the traditions alive with such selfless devotion and that in such an era of where we Humans are so entangled and have lost the sensitivity towards nurturing and caring for people and nature, Animals are sharing the load. 🙏💕

And during one of my conversation with Mr. K, he  mentioned that the ways of living for this city and it's dwellers was already written by Ramajunam. 

Luckily, there weren't many people around except for the temple assistants and many Pujari's or pandits.

---

(Resumed on 7th May 2025)

My hands were full with a bunch of druva grass and two lotus and with the thoughts of continuity and maintenance of this huge temple, I was also holding folded currency notes between my ring finger and pinky finger, such that it was hidden under the flowers and dhruva.

As we were approaching near the main Deity's sanctum-sanctorium, Mr. K Informed me to do the Darshan starting from the Lotus feet and upwards towards the face. Whenever I visit temples, I usually close my eyes with hands folded in gesture of deep gratitude and prayers. I believe that the connection is felt in the heart and open eyes calls for unwanted distractions. 

But Mr. K advice kept me alert. The que got cleared and I dint know what to do, I was frozen in and for a  moment, Mr. K nudged, go ahead....and I went near to the Pujari's standing inside the barricades or gate of the main chamber...asa I went ahead on the platform near me, I saw an empty brass plate and something in me let me drop off cash from my hands into the plate...

But my heart was elated and joyous to see the deity in blissful morning hours, well decorated and to top it up, the Pujari's opened the gate for me to enter in the chamber. I couldn't believe my fate and the reality, felt as if I was day dreaming, I wondered and also questioned myself of the cash was the reason or something magical wa at play?

After ghe darshan, I was stepping back and that's when one of ghe Pujari gave me Gajra, and the moment got more surreal, my whole being knew that magical experience and how I was heard

That flower garland, straight from the deity became my precious possession and my heart was filled with love and gratitude.

--

Getting to know mr. K a bit better

Darshan of trio 

R n meditation 

Pc

Sign

A new journey.... promising?

 A new book found me ... "healing is the new high" 💝

Does it look promising? May be...who knows?

The journey has just begun.

But I find a lot of resonance in the first few pages I turned.

Sometimes, the thought makes me laugh.

  How a large part of my life has become all about healing.... healing from various stuff, all at same time.

Let's experience this high as well...

before the final sunset?

Well, that's ok too.

Codependency

I wokeup a bit tired and still sleepy. Thought, maybe some powerful inner child affirmations might help to pull me out of my sluggish mood but I wasn't paying attention, my body wasn't ready and mind was unwilling...

A few mins later, I had a neighbour stopped- by near the front window as she and I both were waiting for the garbage collector to come. I spoke (or say was the sound board for her) and then told her that will take a nap before the van comes. I then looked for some other video on YouTube, I came across "How to heal from codependency", in my curiosity to get more understanding of what it is ...I started playing it.

All this while, I had a different and very surface- level understanding of the word codependency and partly, I thought it's also being clingy towards a person, thing etc and noticed that I have been very self-critical, even though I hadn't fully known what it means and if or not, is applicable to me and to what degrees.

Well, one who hasn't know what it is to feel safe pschyically or emotionally, would rather be hyper vigilant or deeply self-critical and I know where I stand today; with all the experiences that I called in my life so far. So no harsh feelings...

After listening to that audio, I gained, a deeper understanding of the subject and also a sense of strong resonance with my own behaviour.

If I would rate myself with codependency, I would say I am not so bad but the next moment I wonder, is it so? Is it why I have isolated myself from any social circle? People, friends, or even families?. I do not think I can even fit anywhere and hence for one or the other reason, keep myself engaged in some or the other work or because I am too fearful of the dynamics of social circles, the load of emotional expectations, the words that the world, especially women uses to belittle the other....weighs heavy-a-load and I acknowledge that I am fearful of it all... It hurts me more than I can take. 

After the video, nothing changed for me, I mean the state of my being. I was feeling too lethargic, probably late sleep and emotional exhaustion.

I took charge of my day and did fifteen minutes of yoga stretches, took shower and prepared some sweet for "Ram Navmi" (my way of feeling belonged and not so useless). 

My neighbour had prepared breakfast for me and it was my brunch. I went to sleep again or tried to, but was too anxious and agitated. I played harivarsanam on alexa, thinking it's soothing music and warm lyrics will have a calming effect on me, but everything was in wane. 

I then got up and again ate some spicy and tangy bhelpuri with home grown Tomatoes, in it. I was busy keeping myself busy by moving from one room to the another.

One thing that I keep wondering and reflecting on was : "Betrayal isn't anything, anyone can do to the other...unless one Himself/ Herself is betraying the self".  That self-betrayal can be as insignificant as choosing career path which never aligned with the core calling, or not doing the things that brings joy, always letting others walk-over you, especially taken for granted and disrespected, over and again, in the false hope and confidence that the other would change. But nothing changes unless the core shifts... whether willingly or unwillingly.

I am not sure where this topic is headed now, but the only thing I have realised that worked for me is to take the necessary action in the direction of change, to be the change I seek. 

I know most of my days feels like vaccum and hopeless (ok, not so much, I have great immunity 💪) but I do think the time has come to move into the unknown, for one more time... To find who I am, what I feel belonged to or enjoy being, or love living like..

I do not know where to begin with or if I have already started the journey, this is going to be a constant push and pull, of self judgment and criticism, of decisions or directions being questioned.

Somedays can also be 'nothing' but do I allow and accept it? As it? Or do I panic and get agitated? Will I let the burning questions be unanswered and make peace with the flow of life, do I even have a choice, what guarantee can I hold for myself that I will not look back, trying to find my fault or mistaking the clues life was giving me?..

Whatever it is...let me take a moment of gratitude to wrap the day. I am deeply and truly greatful for :

1.  Maa - Papa and the whole loving and caring family.

2. Loving neighbours

3. Time I took to attend to me and act, engage in activities or events to ease my being... took a long ride, visited three temples, did one hour of beads chanting at Iskon temple, visited ex-neighbour over tea and wished her Belated Birthday.

4. This blog and time I get to be me in the rawest of my form. 

5. All the joy I find in striking the tasks on my to-do lists

6. The weather, winds, and walk around the lake temple.

7. Life, so far and the way I have evolved and new findings about my being with each passing day.

8. The paycheck that gives me the freedom to buy gifts and pamper self and dear ones

9. The depth of emotional sensitivity and me time to consciously let go and heal

10. For everyday magic...People, sky, knowledge, longing and belonging, books and willingness to learn.

Ty God for everything that you have provided for and loving ways you have looked after me 🌸🙏 

A Death vs Deaths - The aloofness

While I had picked up my phone to publish another blog post, one with a pending topic, my thoughts pulled me back to an event or say series of tragedies that shook me and also left me numb....but that was a month back.

 Other than the usual emotional rollercoaster that I  go thru or while living my day as it comes....I knew there was something I hadn't acknowledged deep within and I was being directed towards it.

It was not just the demise of a friend's father that day, but also my distant cousin who was the only one I had known in this new city (then, ~18 years ago), one who had taken me on numerous rides to hunt for a hostel for me, to introduce me to the local food, culture, to be my one point of contact when I had known non..etc. 

And the same day, a colleague of mine lost her younger brother, the most loved one, one amongst three daughters. Her and her parents' plight was unthinkable for me....more so because a few days back, while taking a walk in office campus, we both discussed about her brother's addmission in to a hospital in Chennai, for Pneumonia and that she might have to travel. I remember she did mention that the condition wasn't life threatening, especially for a person not into smoking or alcohol etc.

I feel silly for writing all this here but, I have to, because the day when all these stuff happened, I was in my hometown. The reality of my external surroundings then was way different than what I was feeling deep within, also because there wasn't anyone directly and this deeply impacted and I was mindful of the short period of my visit.

As I am writing, I can feel the heaviness in my chest. Infact last week, I met my colleague and spoke to her, spent as much time with her so that she feels ok to be back in office....(I am sobbing in my body...my breath is talking here).

I also forced myself, last Monday, to go and visit my distant relative's wife too and her twin grandchildren's (a boy and a girl). I took an auto and for some reason tye auto took the same lanes I had arrived at, many years back, and those were also the lanes that I had searched for my hostel with bhaiya.... the memories came flashing back at me and I felt my eyes filled with tears, my chest feeling heavy with overwhelm and fear of how will I face Bhabhi....I hadn't met them since long. Nor was I around when she would have needed me the most. I took deep breaths and took a pause and asked me what is deeply bothering me and once I had my answer, I was in my natural state of being.

 At their apartment, I spent a lot of time discussing my brother (distant relative) who passed away, his daughter's last trimester of pregnancy and her battle with depression, how she had to deliver the kids prematurely due to some complications....

I also spoke to Bhabhi (now widowed)...and heard her cry, talk, miss her husband, feel guilt of being the one left behind, of having to spend the rest of her life without her husband and also as the only one for the new borns, how she has wished to see her husband - again become kids with his grandchildren's and play.

Infact, this morning, I also met my friend whose father had passed away same time, last month and today, while we were sitting at a bench near temple premises and were talking, I looked into his eyes and asked him, For the very first time, feeling genuinely concerned - 'how are you?'..do you miss your Dad? With what all does the memories of him surfaces back?

As I was listening to him, I was struggling to hold back my tears....may be I never took this time to settle with the news from all those people, with my own association with them or theirs....

A weired vaccum or numbness had engulfed me. I was more like a stone being brushed with the breeze of time but I was aloof...

(I was sitting right opposite to this chariot while my friend and I were talking...my ears were listening but heart found ease in this beautiful and meaningful carved peice)...

Later, I took three rounds staring at this chariot ❣️🙏

.still in awe...

Non-seasonal showers

Non-seasonal showers washed the dust that was settled in layers, on those innocent leaves. As the car took a swift turn, so did my eyes; and thru the window pane, I could only see those lush green trees and bright flowers. A sense of renewed energy rushed within me...

As if, it wasn't just trees, my soul was cleaned off.

This time, it was different, I was noticing the built of the trees, how the rain water was slowly sliding down a variety of trunks, height or built shapes of the trees. Those trees never looked this vibrant and alive .. eventually the office campus too felt entirely different to me, something like never before!

 The rain water made them all look cleaned; giving them a straight out of a spa look?. Yet, some part of those trees stayed untouched and raw.

I was surprised by the fact that the permaculture training I took, has started to sprout the curiosity and changed perception of the surroundings...

From my mood, the response instinct, to the happiness quotient, or willingness to learn and work on myself deepened.

I wanted to get creative and click many pictures and capture the freshness, while on an evening walk....

(@campus, from a moving car. thru the droplet covered glass of the car)

(From my evening walk 💝)