Coloring for the soul

Alexa creating an ambience of warmth and flow,  playing my liked songs....

I wrapup the artwork with the song - are you with me 💝 

The whole intention was for me to allow the flow and it all started with the brown stroke, then directions, layers, color balancing or enhancing, fill or patterns, illusions of different objects in that small piece of paper, visible at the rotation. 

It was not all smooth linear flow...but zooming in and out of the art and emotions. The songs that played were playing with my emotions and those emotions will take me to memories and the colors will bring me back, or create new stories for me to focus on...

I don't know what others see in it, I see a Shivling, an Elephant, a Bird, a intentional heart and at some places it's just colors depicting a meaning, a presence of an element.

--

Thank you for a blessed day God.🙏🌸

The friends I met

 Almost fifteen days back I signed up for a GoNature session on YouTube which was just for a nominal fee of forty seven rupees :).

And the session turned out to be four hours and an eye opener. At the end of session, we had to instantly make a decision to signup for the master  classes which is a commitment for almost a few months and two days as the all day session. 

I don't know what actually transpired for me to get into that and it all felt as if a deep longing to be a doctor or cure people or help eradicate the dependency of humans on medicines actually was infront of me... MAGIC or the power of intention?

The course talks about everything in everyway, my core beliefs system on healing from the nature and it not just speaks from experience but from facts too.

Well, a part my assignment was to spend time in nature and connect with the magnatic field of Earth for which I shall take 30mins barefoot walk on mud (not cement or concrete).

Yesterday, I was feeling burnout at work, I took a late login and pushed myself out of bed to stick to a promise I made to myself, the night before i.e. we will ditch work thoughts and go for a nature treat and I will get a reward of delicious hot idli chutney 😌🥰.

Then what! I went to the nearby lake temple and it has a cricket pitch where I took solo walks barefoot, even though I had some apprehensions about the land - if it is manmade (filled) or natural. But I do remember that in the past, when the park was being constructed, mud was filled into it. Well, I  told myself to trust mother earth and that even if it's mud it's under the sky and in coexistence with the elements of earth.

I kept walking and I met some precious beings which lightened my heart with immense joy and this post is dedicated to them :)

1. There was a wooden ply, rotting and next to it was a beautiful black mushroom standing alone and had a lovely white outer lining...and I loved the grace and beauty of the creator and how vibrant it was ...all on its own. (May be I see a piece of myself in everything lone :p)

2. A local breed of dog was there and looked like it was his usuall place to sleep...and as I walked past it,  it getstured towards me and I felt to sit next to it and stoke it's head and it slowly slided into a calm sleep. I so loved that feeling of belonging that I felt with it;)

3. The most precious of all was a tiny tortoise 🐢, the BEST Surprise 😻! I first touched it's shell and it stopped. I lifted it in my hand and adored it...I wanted to jump out of joy because at that moment I felt like bringing it home... to live with me to be my partner in crime, to grow old together...;) but no...I restrained from that wishful thinking.

The baby was looking at me with the pulled back neck and popping eyes, I then stroked it's stomach and it froze (I feel sorry). I tenderly, in my heart told it, you are safe and you are loved. I then touched it's one arm and it pulled it back ..and then the other...I laughed at it's shyness and sensitivity. But I never felt that much love and joy flowing through me that I felt when I saw this baby tiny creature - also walking barefoot on ground. 

4. since I wasn't able to contain the excitement, I went towards the edge of that piece of land and sat at one of the corner stone, next to another girl who later became a friend and we spoke for almost an hour. She was a yoga teacher who specialized in  prenatal therapies. We connected so well and I was transported in a different world. 

She looked exactly like one of my childhood friend who I use to consider as my bff :)

I left the torty baby on the ground and bid good bye to it too. I know sometimes we love something or someone so much but leaving them in their own journey is best we could do for their well-being (I guess...).

Then the yoga trainer and I both walked, we exchanged numbers and bid a good bye.

It was a magical moment of my day. Ty Maa (mother earth)

💕😌🙏🌸🦚

घर की याद

मेरे घर की याद आना, ये आज कल रोज़ रोज़ का टॉपिक बन गया है। कभी घबराहट, कभी अकेला पन, कभी एक आशा बांधने वाला कोई, या कभी सिर्फ एक भूखा पेट और थकी हुई आंखे, कभी शहरों की अंधा- धुन भागदौड़ के बीच, उस अंजान खामोशी और बेपरवाह लोगों की भीड़ के बीच, वो गांव का सुख, शांति और एक अपनापन...बहुत याद आता है मुझे अपना घर।

शहर की नौकरी, खर्चा उठती है मेरा और जिंदगी को एक मकसद या पहचान देती हैं, कहीं अंतर मन की गहराई में, जहां मुझे खुद नहीं पता मेरी जिंदगी की राह, एक दिशा सी दिखाई देती है मुझे।

पूछती हूं अपने आपसे, क्या होता है ये घर और क्यों याद आता है ये; आजकल दिनभर। 

शायद, घर के बढ़ो का आस पास होना, एक ऐहसास कि - हूँ में महफूज़ एक साएं में...बिना कोई लेनदेन के, बस प्यार के पालने में, एक परी, एक बदमाश बच्ची, एक चुलबुली चंचल सी जान, एक चौराहा जहां छोटे और बड़े जीवन की नवीनता को बयान करते है, जानते है, समझते है, एक अनजाने पन से साथ में आगमन करते है।

घर वही होता है शायद जहां में बड़ी हुई, जैसी थी वैसी ही रही : बेबाक, अल्हड़ और एक लड़ाकू सी, और जिन लोगों के बीच बढ़ी पली उन्होंने मुझे खिलने दिया, एक पुष्प की तरह...धीरे धीरे, उगते सूरज की लालिमा के साथ और श्याम के चांद की शीतल छांव में।

उलझते, सुलझते, बढ़ते, बुझते, जिन्दगी के हर एक मोड पे बस चलते रहते। 

-- 

Missing my home has become a daily topic these days. Sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes loneliness, sometimes someone who gives me hope, or sometimes just a hungry stomach and tired eyes. In the midst of the crazy hustle of cities, among the unknown silence and the crowd of carefree people, I really miss the peace, tranquility, and a sense of belonging of my village.

The city job pays my expenses and gives my life a purpose or an identity. Somewhere deep down, where I myself don't know the path of my life, it shows me a direction.

I ask myself, what is this "home" and why do I miss it so much these days?

Perhaps, it's the feeling of being surrounded by the elders of the house—a feeling that I am safe under their shade, without any give and take, just in the cradle of love. An angel, a mischievous girl, a lively and restless soul, a crossroads where the young and old talk about, know, and understand the newness of life, and arrive at it together from a place of unfamiliarity.

Perhaps home is where I grew up and stayed just as I was: outspoken, carefree, and a bit of a fighter. And the people I grew up with let me bloom like a flower, slowly, with the redness of the rising sun and in the cool shade of the evening moon.

Entangling, unraveling, growing, and fading—at every turn of life, we just keep going.

Joy of bloom

Waking up to the blooming flowers instantly lightens my heart and brings a smile to my face. There's a certain magic to them, and this morning was a triple dose of it.

Three partially bloomed, cone-shaped buds seemed to be soaking up the sun, their soft color - a gentle gift that will fade with the day.

I feel so grateful for this fleeting glimpse of their beauty.

An ode to Friendships

Two young boys, one taller (early teens), in white shirt and blue half pants...walking. The taller one balancing the cycle with his left hand and another hand around the neck of younger boy, walking on an over bridge which was empty but they were enjoying the high-rise view...

It was around seven in the evening and I too was on that bridge but was on my two wheeler...my buddy. 

The road ahead of me was empty and this glimpse of the two boys caught my attention and stuck a chord in my heart. 

They say - energy travellers faster and there was some deeply grounding energy on the way those two boys were being in their own selves and  casually walking over the bridge and adoring the high-rise etc contrarily the underpass was heavily jammed from the corporate mass returning from work. But I was returning from a therapy, of that of shopping, at a Fab sale 😄💕💪.

I love that brand, the fabric and how they have restored the core of Indian Fabrics...but offcourse, I find it hard to convince myself to buy them at MRP and hence the sale purchase. I got a few great deal for two khadi cotton Kurtas for Dad and one for myself. I loved them all and was greatly satisfied with this long ride on a busy day both at work and on roads...infact I have somewhere withdrawn from stepping out alone, like this, that too on a rainy evening. Thankfully the weather was kind and it poured before and after my ride.

When I saw the two boys, and rode past them, something of my heart was left with them, that imagery which my heart captured stirred something deep, the feelings it invoked, my heart was beating faster and tears started to swell in my eyes. I wondered what just happened!

A little ahead, at a signal, I distracted myself and asked what happened - Tan? Is there anything that triggered you? And all I could feel was the loss, a deep loss and a friend missing by my side, in my life. 

It hurt deeply to realize - when I look back, I don't remember when was the last time I would have taken such a walk with a friend..such carefree walk with dreams and aspirations, within the warm embrace of that safe space where, so called - My world would have resided and breathed easy. And what a place in the world! No fancy eateries, malls, coffee shops or even parks, but - a random overbridge. One that I think was empty to behold and allow the grace of such precious moments taking place, of theses teens lives, definately not on a week day...never!

And the simplicity of that walk! Stole my heart.

Those two were in slippers (although AI couldn't capture those details in my instructions for recreation that image) ...and surely I couldn't have stopped, mid way in the bridge to take a snap....or maybe I could have but didn't want to jinx the Beauty of that moment which was so safe in the seer beauty of the creator. 

I couldn't hold my tears as I wrote this and I again realised how deeply I was touched and how our feelings surfaces when we least expect them. 

--

A deep admiration and love for beautiful friendships or brotherhood 💝

--

Today also marks as my sixth year at work... although I am numb to such numbers, I do reflect at the journey. Ty God. 

Fulfillment

 Sometimes, I wonder and ask myself, is it just me or there are people like me who find joy in various different indulgence of life...

Like, in the prayer one chants in the heart for wellbeing of dear ones,

Embracing the seasons and seasonal delicacies in the most authentic ways...like the seasonal corn roasted on cow dung cakes

Calling-up a distant relatives to just check upon them and give that call to assure they are not alone and that they are valued, inspite of growing old ...and finding that little joy in their own expression of joy - the twin grand kids :)

Or sometimes just taking that effort to fight hard with inner voice that has locked you in a coffin of thoughts and within four walls of comfort or memories and do something or go to a place that makes your being feel at home, at ease, and let the creative juice flow....

Or sometimes it's just the simplest pleasure of cooking a snack that was on the mind since long...

AI, me, my emotions & my Neighbours (laughing at me!)

This morning, I wokeup and was a bit relaxed as I had to WFH and no need for rushing in the morning hours. Laying on my stomach, covered in the warm soft blanket, I was testing Gemini on my phone, which was on the floor. 

I was back and forth with my conversations with the AI and at some point, out of somewhere a note popped up : I can help you create a customized storybook! To make it perfect for you, I'll need a few more details. These are just suggestions, but they'll help me personalize your storybook:

What is the target reader's age?
Me : 25 - 40 years 

What kind of plot would you like?
Me: Honest, real, life like

What illustration style do you prefer?
Me: Watercolor 

... I thought may be AI is taking some inspiration from my broken writing and will help me stitch my thoughts into a beautiful story.

I was curious to know what would that look like...And...

the final result was :

The guiding light

my day started with this deep note, I found on insta and kept reading it over and again.

Later in the dilemma of if I shall fast (Jainism) or no I continued with the daily chores at home and some soulful indulgence I.e. the mandna at the door entrance. Such stuff makes my heart feel happy and I forget the world.

After getting ready, I did some temple Dusting and lit the lamp. I love lamps and my conversations with the supreme while I sit in the designated corner of my home...

As I am writing this, I wonder, how many such conversations and what not....but I am always heard and answered by means of various channels...even dreams and I had a dream this morning too.

💕Happy Ganesh Chaturthi 🦚 

and 

Micchami Dukhdam 🙏

 Sometimes I feel so blessed to be born in India where various festivals are all celebrated together and how they become the portal for inner growth and wisdom.

Thank you, God.

 

Soul lessons

 Source

Jab khwahisho se zyada kuch mil jaye...

Navigating my usually unusual days...I was in my new office building, on the last Thursday. I met someone new in cab and we spoke a good deal about many things around work, culture, thinking, leisure etc and at last I mentioned to that colleague about one of my office friend (PT) who has started a business and doing really well. 

We reached office and I connected those two over chat. 

I hadn't met PT for almost an year and a few times when I thought I will connect,one of us got busy and at times I also got tangled in the thoughts that probably he doesn't want to connect, so I didn't ask him anything, even though I was in the same building as his.

After breakfast, I sat to start with my tasks list and  I get a response from:

 PT: are you in building A?, 

Me: Yes.

PT: shall we meet for coffee?

Me: not able to believe, if he is really asking it :), I took a few deep breaths and said... Okie. Where?

PT: level 1.

Me: starting in a bit, from level 8.

.....fast fwd. We chatted for a good long 30 mins about him, his family life, business, his new team, coffee, about my adventures, etc and around 9:30 am, I asked if we shall leave....

Just then I saw a car passing by at the reception and I asked him which is it? Merc?... BMW?

I kind of get a weird thrill seeing beautiful cars... Especially if it's a BMW etc

PT: we would need 10 mins more. Let's go ...

We Stepped down into the main hall and exited the building...

PT: you have no idea what's coming your way!

Me: Guaging that we were walking towards parking... I shockingly asked- is it a car!!! ? Did you buy new one??

PT: Yes! And I will take you for a short ride within campus... 

... And to my surprise, it was BYD!!!!

Never in my life I would have guessed the experience that followed... and definately not the gut popping thrill and excitement, just from the basement ramp up ...OMG! It was nothing short of a sports car!!!

And then he took it on road and explained me all the tech features, engine, tyres etc...

Apart from the euphoria, I was deeply touched by his kind gesture of giving me a ride....I felt so happy and deeply greatful 🥲.🙏

Me: if you would have told me this, I would have not got my office laptop or work to work, today!!😅

--

Movie with neighbours: Su from So

My neighbour was persistent in asking me to join them for a comedy movie... (In Kannada though)...

So Wednesday, I started early from work to be back home by 3pm, rest for a bit and then, attend to some pending work and  head out for 4:50 pm show. 

While enroute, I was feeling the uneasiness of going with them..a couple and moreover realized that I have had enjoyed most of my movie with a friend who I have kind of disconnected from and maintaining only biz related connect....

I could identify the root of my uneasiness and in such cases, I usually procrastinate..

I told my Neighbour's to book their seats... One that they got as complimentary from using a credit card. My suggestion was to book two seats with one empty in between so that we can grab a single ticket at the cinemas directly. 

They booked H3 & 5 and told me to take 4.

When we went to the cinema, all seats, even the middle one 4 was taken, leaving me with the only seat on extreme end of the same row. I took that but felt guilty of splitting the couple... So asked them to negotiate with the neighbours in the next seat and it turns out they can sit together as the other family was three people but I cannot be accommodated.

With some relief that they got seats together, I went to eat my early dinner and then watched the whole movie alone/ with rest of the crowd from H18!! 🤣 And the movie was superb!!! I loved it! 

I think when experiencing seperation anxiety from that of no more having a friend by my side, I had to remind myself that- it's for his and my own Good + the uneasiness and discomfort is normal and I could sail thru...

--

Day before, at night, I slept with deeper yearning for finding ease and solace from my growing anxiety... and to my surprise

Yesterday morning, I had a very clear dream with very distinct imagery - people, spaces etc. The highlight was hearing "close the curtain of Bhairav nath ji" (pull the curtains close for the Lord Bhairavnath)....

Upon waking up, I bowed to the rising sun and the bright sky, from my window and went back to bed searching for meanings or interpretations for my dream. 

I also reached out to one very religious individual who is into cow breeding and welfare and he mentioned that Lord Bhairava represents wish fulfillment.

I felt very light in my heart about all this. Wokeup, took shower and searched for a few nearby Bhairavnath temple and found three. I locked on Kala Bhairava temple which was just 6 mins ride from my home. 

But by the time I finished breakfast (which was also an offering to The Lord, Halwa), and my neighbour and I got ready, it was 11 am, time for the temple to be closed for noon hours. 

I knew in my heart that it's ok. I then did some laundry, cooking etc and whole day there was no power and the neighbours has also gone out. My phone, laptop batteries, induction was down due to power outage. 

Life felt so unbearably quite and It was getting cloudy. I decide to lit the evening lamp and walk up to the nearby lake temple, just the sight of Lake uplifts my being and my senses. 

And asa I reached their, after a 10 mins walk, I headed for Darshan and when I was stepping out, it started to rain fiercely, I took my umbrella and stood near the lake seeing the Twilight hour, the formation and disappearance of drops on the lake surface and the whole foggy, misty layer formed all across the lake bed....

The rains were nothing that I had seen this season and I felt deeply happy, but it was also chilling with winds and water on my bottom palazo.

I went back inside the temple and did an hour of Japa on Bhairavnath by counting on fingers...but after a while I lost the count of it. I was hungry, feeling tired and cold too.... probably low on hemoglobin. 

Inside the temple, there was a family of two baby daughters, both the daughters were super cute, the elder one took some space in the back of the temple hall and started practicing here dance to the time of the devotional song that was being played and the younger one was busy playing and adoring father or the mom and these two would be taking selfies, else the younger one was busy observing an Ant moving on the marble floor and lovingly calling it with palm gesture, for it to come on her palm.

I loved that sight and thanked God for protecting me. 

Alongside, on the other side of the hall, the Swami's were decorating the idols were new vesthi and sarees....it was Vaikuntha Vallabha temple. And I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience.

After an hour, when rains reduced, I collected my umbrella and stepped out. One aunty who was also arranging the deity sarees joined and I offered her my umbrella and dropped her to her home on my way.

And rest of the lanes, I navigated on my own, at times with a wired palpitations... May be due to fear of isolated dark patch of roads or at curved ends of a lane where I could hear the gutter water gushing out....as if jog falls but with a very bad smell. Or it was me walking without any phone or cash in hand after decades...

On my way, I stopped at a Mangalore store and purchased some sweet and asked the owner for credit till I reach home as phone is on charge and no power since morning. He agreed.

--

Today morning, I wokeup lazily and decided to first visit temple without any food, I got ready by 10.30am and started with navigation on phone. 

I reached there and surprisingly, there where three beautiful temples - Kala Bhairava, Ayyappa Swami and Lord Ganesha.

I asked someone where to buy puja samagri from? And he pointed me to a lady with a cart selling fruits, rice packs, ash guard, dhatura (favourite flower of Shani), oils etc 

I asked her to provide me with a pack to offer to Lord Kala Bhairava and she gave me banana, flowers, betel nut and leaves, rice pack, an oil pack, one green flower and some karpur, I guess. 

I bowed to Ayyappa Swami deity from outside as the vendor lady was standing right outside of the that temple. I then headed to the temple on my left and what I saw made me believe the presence of Lord. 

There were three big street dogs, all sleeping peacefully at the entrance, in a straight line leading upto the temple and one on the main door mat. And since, dog is the vehicle for the lord...I knew that the lord was there  and his vahan sleeping with such ease. That sight made my day and finally the Swami took the garland and offered it to the crown of the junior deity and I felt happy 😊.

--

After returning back home, I played two hours with my neighbour kid, downstairs and later he came along for painting... And I thoroughly enjoyed that time and our innocent chit chats and laughter. We painted, decorated with cut mirrors, did some snacking and then played Jenga:😄. It was so close to noon but for that moment, all my time related senses where away on a vacation and I was loving the joy and ease and blessing of such wonderful souls around me. 

He even took one of my old finger ring and his approach was: you have three on your hand, can you give me one??..(all innocent gibberish kannada, a pleasure :p)

And I said, my mom will scold me but I can give you another and he happily agreed. 

I was loving his innocent and non-judgmental approach for jewellery... Including an anklet :).

I loved laughing with him... Like kids again whenever the jenga bricks crashed.

-- 

Thank you God for a beautiful day and the most productive too.

🦚💝

Who were you to me?

Who were you to me?

​At first, someone in the crowd.

A little later, an annoying presence.

After a while, a stalker? (I avoided.)

​Time shifted, and events unfolded. When the world paused, I did too.

​I took time to observe and listen, without judgment.

I allowed myself to open up and bring forth my true self.

By expressing my worries that held me back.

By asking questions that I trusted you to have answers to... and you did answer them.

By sharing where I came from... To me, you were the hope of a beautiful bond of friendship, pure and simple.

​Time was on its pace, and so were we.

I thought of giving myself a chance where I could experience a little "more of me."

I shook hands with that promise of transparency, ease of being, and the honest conversations that led us to where we were.

​I completely overlooked the part of your individual journey while we were in one, together.

I trusted you with all of me, even when it was just friendship, or not even that.

​To me, you were a choice I made, to see the things as they unfolded and not read in between.

You were my rekindled faith that I had lost or never had the nerve to put out there.

​A bond like ours was something I was so proud of and loved sharing with my other friends.

This was something I had never experienced.

So, yes, our bond was something new to me in many ways.

​It was unexpected but carried a deep and unexplainable familiarity.

With you, I evolved as me.

I felt seen and heard beyond what I could have ever expected from anyone.

​I didn't realize how deep I fell for you, that I lost the very me.

Your words had woven a world around me, and I felt welcomed, not knowing you would also prove me wrong, with a shattered me and my own illusions of you.

​I not just thought about you, I breathed you. I dreamt of you. I cried for you, and I held you as my stubbornness.

But it wasn't me who wanted it, nor did I know this side of me.

​From a future I was made to envision, I was left in the void of now, all by myself to figure it out.

​Who were you to me?

I ask myself, again and again, feeling devastated but holding the ground I built on the pain that was left with me, one that I shed every day and night. Sometimes in journals, in words, or songs, or in isolation.

​And then I ask myself, "What was my fault? What did I miss in the hints thrown at me? What is it that still hurts so much that it's unbearable?"

​I thought I healed, but I find myself failing even more.

​Who were you to me?

Maybe someone who succeeded in labeling me as the one I dreaded the most.

One who made me question my worth and my being.

One who appeared to be someone so like me but turned out to be nothing like me.

But YOU, take a moment...🫂

​Living in the shadow of what is gone, I wonder how lifetimes of thoughts, decisions, dreams, and decades, pass by. 

Then, the "now" reminds us to pull the strings.
The mind engages with the heart, with human rationale, and when we land in the "now," it all goes silent.

​So aloof and adrift, scattered and unfamiliar, it gets scary. It numbs faith and willingness. No matter how lit the surroundings get, or how the lamps brighten the darkness of the evenings, there will always be a needle pinching.

​That pain would also seek its answers and make you question yourself.

But you, take a moment, let it all be, and be gracious toward yourself.

Know it's never going to be easy to fight a battle you never chose but were destined to. Remind yourself that you survived and that the light of your heart still shines bright.

Let the falls of tears flow unobstructed, for they are the weight of the mourn, that eyes have held for so long, and now it's time for it to be released.

​You will also be amazed at the intertwined episodes of pain that will choose you, to be tagged along. And, when you would be taking a sigh of relief, the tears would burst out again, unwarranted.

​But you, take a moment, let it all be, and just be gracious to yourself. Indeed, it's a journey, and these could be the ebbs.

​Sometimes you will just go quiet, and sometimes the layers of emotions will peel themselves off. Sometimes you will find yourself bearing the chaos...yet, most often you will be in your own solitude amidst the crowd.

​But you, take a moment, let it all be, and just be gracious to yourself.

 Let yourself know that - you may not have all the answers yet, but it's a process and you are a work in it—refining and building resilience, picking up and restructuring your scattered self, practicing letting go even if it means withdrawal from everything that you once loved or was and finding yourself again 

Staycation or a reset station?

Within the enclosed walls of my mind, with shutters of the eyes locked, I began to race with my thoughts, especially the ones after my conversation with the therapist. 

The questions I was asked and the reflections I went through...

Me: how a small note from mom, crushed me and put me in deep pain and I began to feel the pain associated with other events of my life...

She: I can see, you are currently in a lot of pain...

Me: (in my heart) I need to hear it from someone. Thank you.

She: I can see there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness, of not feeling you deserve to be loved or have a life that can be easy and normal...

So, what I can see is you went from a phase of normalcy back to low phase (your current phase)... Am I right? 

Me (weeping and wiping my tears): yes, I nodded. 

She: what is it that you want to attend to, right now? 

a) A recent relationship/ betrayal?

b) A relationship that has been there since long but I see you loosing yourself in it and the lack of safe space in your life has unfortunately translated into it - a safe person for you, instead.

c) Your situation with your mother

Me (feeling the heaviness from the intensity of the moment and being overwhelmed) : I sobb in the napkin that I held in my hands

She: do you have water around you?

Me: no, that's ok. I am fine....(Clearly I wasn't)

She: ok, tell me what do you miss about the 1st one. 

Me: after, collecting my thoughts. Just the space of me being me. Felt seen... what I hid from the world. Of free flow and no compulsions. Of companionship, friendship..., togetherness..

She: hmm.... You have deprived yourself of all those things. 

And what about the long term one? 

Me: After mom's trigger, I went into a series of downward thinking...I pointed out the lack of time from him, his work commitments and if at all I fit anywhere. I know he is still in the pain and trauma of losing his father, being boycotted by own family... And is wounded. But time is limited for us all....

And when I heard the priorities i.e securing his son's future and resolving some personal tasks that his Dad desired...

I asked him, so I am no-where in the list and could be attended whenever time permits. Right? 

His response or expression was that of helplessness. And I read deep into people's gestures... Knowing or unknowingly. 

I called-up that both our life times are separate and I cannot keep waiting for every damn thing in my life and his response was - so, did I stop you? 

    Me : no and I bursted into breathless sob... Chocked throat and tears (not because of the conversation, but because I knew In my heart, I was fighting this very reality of timelines....💔 And couldn't accept it) 

(I felt the pain that I felt when I heard the lyrics of the song (tere liye from veer Zara):

Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya

Mujh Se Kaisa Bair

Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya

Mujh Se Kaisa Bair

Hukm Tha.. Main Jiyun Lekin Tere Bagair

Naadaan Hai Woh Kahte Hain jo

Mere Liyeh Tum Ho Gair

These lines have, since then haunted me, confronted me and I failed everytime I heard it or even thought of it. )

She: what keeps you still wanting to be with him when you know there is no future...

Me: I always felt safe with him. I could be effortlessly the mad me or the happy me, I can be wild or I can be the baby me. He is my home...

She: but, R... You have given him the authority of your life's decisions but somewhere you need to also know that you too can make decision for yourself and it's ok if you fail, there could be consequences....but eventually it will make you stronger. We all have only one life. 

Me:... Ya, this is another thing I noticed in me that I don't like to make/ take decisions

She: and you want him to take one for you so that you can hold him responsible for your life path...

Me: I guess, unconsciously that is what I kept doing and built-up recenment for all the events that went hopelessly wrong...

She: can you take WFH for a few weeks? 

Me: and go where? Home? Towards my triggers? Again? 

She: how about staycation? Work from anywhere... Meet new people... Stop connecting with the friends you have...

I agree that time and age gone will never come back, but still! It's worth it. Fast forward it to next ten years... You will be in a happy state. 

Me(paranoid with gut churning) : I fear it all. Deeply.

She: I know you have a deep seated fear of the unknown, of starting all over again..., the guilt, pain, uncertainty etc

Me: nodding... In yes🙂‍↕️ 

She: Ok, what hurted you the most when the person left you? What was your feelings

Me: His words - "this time she came, I dint.!" I wish he would have known, I would come a thousand times if I wasn't let down this way... 

Those words made me feel as if I was made to stand lifeless and ripped bare infront of the crowd of unknowns.

I lost my ground on which I lay my trust, so deep. 

She: ok, I now let's come to your mother, can you create a Bingo of events that may occur when you meet her those may trigger you but this time, you strike it off and reduce the intensity of it hurting you. Afterall she is expressing what she experienced!

Me: smiling at the paradoxical fun here. 

She: we will get over this..lets connect again. 

Me: ok and thank you for accommodating my request at sort notice. 

She: remember, you took so long to heal or forget the first one, and the other one is even more intense and deep and may need more effort from you... But keep the goal in mind... It's both of your wellbeing.

Me: consumed in void of that thought.

--

It's been 24 hours and I am still pondering...

Dil Keh raha...

 

After a chaotic two days with sobs and inner turmoil, consulting a therapist, feeling peace at the core ..... Speaking with a neighbour friend while trying to Console eachother and channeling our inner creativity over songs :).

Books that introduced me to a different realities of my life

As such nothing was there on my mind today that would lead me to my blog but then, something triggered a wound, that lead to inconsolable sobb.

Then, when my eyes and being got tired and exhausted and looked deeper into what is it that is hurting me more...

An expectation...

A memory

A mother who would never understand me nor would I ever be able to be free from any anxiety around her...

Those thoughts were pulling me more in the darkness of this moment and tears were pairing with the rains. My head started to ache, body which was just recovering felt tired again....and hopeless.

Then, with my teary eyes, wounded heart and heavy head and irregular breaths, I picked up the book that I was about to complete a week back...but still has few pages left and I knew it will help me distract my mind and being from the unresolved trauma feelings.

That book is : 

And this is my first time reading such humble book almost like a fairytale but I know and could see myself in it for the part where the writer herself has a troubled childhood.

Second one which I finished reading a month back was :

Both of these books engaged me even on days when life appeared meaningless and I was drowning deep in the void. 

It brought me joy, hope and a tiny bit of me close to myself. 

I know I feel terribly sad and want to cry it all out but...I am holding on to it...

Ek yaar, usdi Yaariyan 🤗💕

(The actual idea conception for this blog took place on June 28, 2025.)

I took the third-last aisle seat in the Vayu Vajra 5A airport bus from BIA, around 5 p.m. I settled into my seat with folded legs, covering my face and ears with my scarf to avoid the direct cool air from the AC vent, right over my head.

I closed my eyes and began to feel the emotions, especially pausing and reflecting on all that had taken place in the last three days and a few weeks prior—how certain dreams came to fruition and how I managed the planning so well, all on my own, by seeking help from known contacts and making new friends.

So, what I'm talking about is the Amritsar Golden Temple visit, which was right after a business offsite in Gurgaon—a day and a half-day trip.
The last few hours I spent in Amritsar were all about Seva (cleaning used water bowls), taking parikrama thrice around the temple, sitting with my feet dipped in the holy Sarovar surrounding the temple, relishing kada prasad (blessed food from the temple—a dessert), shedding a few tear drops, shopping for footwear for my mom and myself, some dried lentil vadiyan, enjoying some delicious kulfi and boiled corn on the streets, hopping on an electric auto, and heading to my stay location.
As I tried to remember the events that took place, I asked myself, "What is that one memory etched in my mind, the one I don't have to force myself to remember?"

Immediately, I had a flashback of that moment where I saw a lovely, thick khadi fabric which Dad loves and one I had been searching for in different markets and cities but couldn't find. Seeing that fabric, I instantly had this urge to get into the shop where a tall, elderly Punjabi uncle was at the counter. He was the owner. I asked if he had a few more colors and what price he would give it for. He said, "Yes, I do have them, and it costs 100 rupees per meter."

I casually asked him what he would recommend for a kurta, mentioning it was for my Dad (describing that he is slightly shorter than him in height). He suggested I should go for three meters.
I had to call Dad and get the go-ahead on the colors I chose—four of them. Actually, that was all they had. I fell in love with the cottons and natural fibers. Dad was riding and he picked up the phone, equally happy to see the fabric. He then overheard me talking to the owner of that shop and asked if he could speak to them. I said, "Of course!"

When I handed over the phone, Papa greeted that uncle in Punjabi: "Sat Sri Akal!" They spoke for a few seconds, and then I disconnected the call and made the purchase. The shop owner complimented my Dad's Punjabi. I smiled and left. Later, I drank a glass of Lassi in one of the shops opposite this one and rushed to buy a few veils for gifting my neighbor friends.

Back in my bus from the airport, what hit me was that there wasn't any reason for my dad to speak with the shop owner. But all he was re-living with that minimal interaction were memories of his own best friend, who was a Punjabi (Sardar). They grew up together, knew each other's lives inside and out, but the uncle (Dad's closest friend) left this world sooner, battling a life-threatening disease.

And I happened to be there in my hometown when it was the C19 lockdown. The day Uncle passed away, we had gotten our first second-hand car. I had seen my Dad sobbing uncontrollably, and how in his friend's last days, despite his tiredness from farming activities in the scorching sun or bone-chilling winters, he would take the evening to be with him, to take him on a wheelchair walk—to just make his life feel a little less burdened.

And that thought had me in tears.

In fact, my own Amritsar trip was totally dicey until I called up the auntie (Punjabi uncle's wife), and she helped me get safe accommodation and a driver.

--
I sometimes feel extremely grateful and blessed to have been born into a family with such loving and caring people. One where friendship knows no bounds when it comes to being there for each other.

--
🙏💕 This one's for Maa and Papa. Today, I deeply missed you both and remembered a few of my happy childhood days while listening to some old songs. 🙏💕

Peacocks and Butterflies.

My day yesterday was marked with a kaleidoscope of butterflies, which followed me right from that bench by the Promenade Beach till the very end of my organic farm trip. The icing on the cake was coming across a muster of peacocks dancing...

I am still mesmerized by all that unfolded yesterday.

---

I woke up around 7 AM, a little sluggish, knowing it was the last day I would be in my most dear place—one that is so close to me and affordable, perfect for my impulsive travel moods or cravings to be by the sea. Or, perhaps, I wasn't clearly knowing what I'd do through the day, except being in the room, on my bed.

Maybe I was exhausted from the post-work week exertion, gym exercises, sleeplessness due to travel, and at the same time, the deep felt ease of being somewhere I so dearly wanted to be.

There was an underlying worry about 75% rain predictions, which would mean I couldn't even be next to the beach.

I also noticed that I wasn't the same me who would rush to the beach at every given opportunity, especially to have quiet morning hours with nothing but the waves, rising sun, me, and my thoughts. It was slightly unacceptable to me and a bit disturbing too. To be very frank, the thought scared me. It made me worry: Am I losing a part of me? Am I growing old in my feelings too? How can I?

I would question and answer it too: "Sea is not a person for me to get mixed feelings, triggers about, but it's the belonging that is factored into me..."

Well, I then decided to change from my nightwear shorts back into the leggings and a batik top that I wore last evening. Somewhere deep in my heart, the plan was to get soaked in the seawater, walk on the sand, or stand there until the winds dried me up, and then walk back to the guesthouse. And I was hiding that truth from myself :( (a grown-up me and a little birdy child me).

I quickly wrapped up the morning routine of brushing and freshening up, and headed out with just my jhola, both phones, and some cash. As minimal stuff as I should to bear the load of sea-water soaked me :).

I walked in my sandals and later held them in the index finger of one hand, and walked and walked, with a few stops here and there. Those were more of something resonating at that moment with the waves' thrust or maybe my thoughts, which screamed for my acknowledgment. At a certain point, I saw a small family having fun and kids enjoying posing and playing with the waves. I instantly began to walk down through the huge black boulders scattered around with sand filling the gaps. Some, closer to the seawater, even appeared ancient with algae and some other microorganism creatures grown on them.

I too stood there, feeling the water, looking at the vast sky and its changing tone, and how it reflected on the waves.

I even saw two huge ships; one looked like some cruise at a faraway corner, to what my eyes could capture.

After that soul-satisfying wave wash, I came up to the walkway and sat there at a bench to let my bottoms dry off a bit. And I was loving the solitude of that moment. It was just me and my thoughts. Something had lifted off my heart. I don't know what, but I felt a bit lighter.

I then walked back to the guesthouse and went straight to the kitchen to order two yummy plain dosas for myself. By the time they were ready, I quickly got my journal and pen. I did gratitude and forgiveness journaling as that was so much needed; I know why. I missed someone again, so dearly that I couldn't hold my tears. I suffocated, I felt choked, but I had to learn to deal with it and figure out for myself how to be by my side, and journaling helped, deeply.

After my soulful time at the guesthouse mess with journaling, reading a few pages, and then lovingly cherishing the dosas, I was headed to my room - B3 :) (it says FRANKNESS).

While on my way, I read a few quotes from Mother on love, friendship, happiness, service, etc., and was feeling good about it. Not that I was seeking it, but I was not holding any aversion either. And then I saw the rest of the posts (below).

---

The rest was history :). I first inquired about the department tour. In spite of knowing that I had missed it, I gave my 100% by calling multiple numbers and even at last getting the itinerary so that I could hire an auto on my own, but I wasn't convinced. Then a message popped up from the vendor:

"Greetings from Mother Mirra eRickshaw Service! Sorry, both our eRickshaws are booked for today.

You may avail the Organic Farm trip in the afternoon. Thanks and regards"

At first, I hesitated, and I was the only one for it. I wondered if it was really worth an 800 rs trip. I called up my friend and asked if it was okay I sign up for this, and I was told, "GO FOR IT!"

HA HA...I know my decisions are influenced this way, and I wonder why I am like this. Maybe someday I will have clarity.

It was around 11 AM when I decided to sign up. I then took a shower and slept like a baby for almost an hour. When I woke up, I had to plan my lunch and dear ginger chai with cake—all before the auto vendor for the organic farm visit came. (In my rush, I had mistakenly saved the contact details as "Mother Marriage Aarama department Tour," which I saw only when I returned to my city this morning and had a hearty laugh with my neighbors).

I headed to Hope Cafe for my Nutella banana crepe and then a long walk and chai at KBS bar 💕. (In spite of my body saying "enough of hogging," I continued. Who knows if I will be alive tomorrow or 🙂‍↔️). And that tea is too precious to miss, especially when I know it's my last day in town.

I had to constantly remind myself to leave "rush" behind and just be in the moment. My whole body is so familiar with this comfort in the discomfort of RUSH!

At 1:30 PM, I was exhausted and some bit uneasy for some reason; I don't know why. So I went back to the room and gathered my luggage and slept for a bit. I woke up at 2:25 PM, and the auto uncle was waiting for me at the reception.

When I saw him in his clean white shirt and blue shorts, I felt instant respect and gratitude. He wasn't like any shabby auto driver but a gentleman, and I loved that sweet gesture of him waiting at the reception for me. (Such little things touch so deeply in my heart, and sometimes these very things bring tears...)

---

At 2:32 PM, we began our trip! I apologized to him for being late. I asked him his name and if he also was a part of the organic farming group or just managing the transportation. He humbly replied: **Debjoy Haldar**.

I inquired a bit about his background, how long he had been associated with the Sri Aurobindo Ashram Trust, and what he liked best about being here. He was so kind to answer all my questions, including the plan for the next few hours.

He said we would first visit the flower garden from where the bouquet goes for the Mother's Memorial, then to the lake and picnic spot where all folks gather and celebrate the individual who donated that land, then to the orchid garden (pics above), the farm where vegetables and fruits are grown, and the cattle shed.

The best part was, I was the only traveler visiting the sites and had become good friends with Mr. Deb. I was given a tour of even the jaggery, jam, and cheese factories. I could even visit inside the chiller chamber where all harvested vegetables are stored, along with freshly made jams and cheese with the date on it.

In fact, one lady was so kind to give me samples to taste, and I had a gala time. The coincidence was me currently reading a memoir, "Be Ready When Luck Happens" by Ina Garten, and reading all about her food adventures and getting to visit such a protected space made me feel so blessed and privileged. I truly can't describe the joy that I felt in my heart.

If I start to jot down details, I might have to write a few more blogs on this, but I think less is more.

Some things are better as sweet memories.

And to conclude, I saw peacock couples dancing, not just one but many, a couple of mongooses, and several beautiful butterflies. I couldn't believe the beauty of those moments. My heart was beating with pure joy and deep felt gratitude for those moments, the company, safety, and imagination.

In fact, the last stop was a 200-year-old Banyan tree, and the auto uncle went somewhere for a few minutes. All I did was hug a trunk of that tree and sat on its widely and wildly spread roots, which were now more like rock! As I sat, a few red seeds that I had collected from the picnic garden fell, and I felt like offering those to this tree. I was also admiring the beautiful pebbles around this tree, so whole, soft-edged, and polished kind. And to my surprise 😻, I found a heart-shaped pebble, a beautiful one, and felt as if the tree or Mother had blessed me with its love. I made a small pebble art where the pebbles resembled a meaning: the **heart-shaped one for LOVE**, one more **round one for PROTECTION**, and another for **PEACE**.

Can you spot love?

Selfie time! Say trees! :) this one is 200 yrs young with a old soul ;)

---

I returned back to town by 5:45-6:00 PM, bid my adieu to the driver uncle, and headed for my early dinner and another cup of tea + five pieces of cake slice for KBS 💕.

I went to the room, took a shower, and slept for a while. Then, around 9:10 PM, I checked out and headed to get an auto for the railway station drop.

That concluded my Pondy trip. 🙏

Pondy always has a beautiful surprise for me

 In all these years that I have been visiting Pondicherry, most of them solo, I started to notice that each trip has a unique flavour to it.

Sometimes it's the co-joined stars

Sometimes, some random guy playing Guitar and singing in a soulful voice 

Sometimes, kayaking and mangroves 

Sometimes, temple callings and blissful Darshana,

Sometimes industrial telescope 🔭 at 50rs per session of 5mins to look at the full moon

Sometimes the healing waves and full moon..

Sometimes, just being kids with school kids and playing with the waves 

Etc etc.

This time was no different, one was the beautiful drizzles (off season) and an old lady, a garland seller,  tieing a Gajra on my hairs...and even returning 10 rs when I bargained that 50 seems too much and that I am running out of my own cash change...she definately had a big heart than mine. 

I wore it all thru the evening and when I returned back to my accommodation, the buds had bloomed and the fragrance filled the air around me. As if the air captures a certain episode in time and that was playing in my head and had the power to instantly transport me to that blissful evening walk near the beach, in my head.

After bath, I am still wearing it and my being feels so whole. Lady said : Nandri (thank you, in Tamil) I replied: Nandri. You are lovely Paati 💕🙏

Her smile and shine in the eyes had me.

And not just this, a song was constantly on my lips and mind...Kanmani la la laaa la la laa...and when I returned back to the room, Then I hear the artist in on of the live singing cafe singing it. Made my evening 💕🙏

--

Day2/2

A noon near the beach, while resting and romancing the waves, a bunch of butterflies were constantly flying from left to right 💕💕😍. 

It was magical for me.

2. organic farm tour, just landed in my lap :)

Ginger tea and Reshma's love💕

 

@4:44am

इंतज़ार में सुबह के उज्याले के,

सुन रहे हम, शांत सागर की लहरों को...

और, बारिश की बूंदे पलहैपल का एहसास दिला रही थी,

मानो जैसे – ब्रम्हमुहूर्त में अमृत बेला हो।

Intezar me subah ke ujale ke,

Sun rahe the hum, shaant Sagar ki leharo ko...

Aur, barish ki boonde pal pal ka ehsaas dila Rahi thi,

Maano bramha muhurt me Amrit bela ho.

--

What started as a seed thought which turned into a longing....after my last visit to this beautiful corner of 'my' world....and holding a promise which was also a constant reminder to me - of returning a shell back to the ocean. And now, when I am here..It struck me, how long it has been since I visited!  Which feels like  - decades ago, 

when I was a different me. :)

Yesterday, the longing shattered it's chains and enquired with a dear friend and a loving neighbour friend ...would you accompany me? Expressing tyat I would really love to have a company along!..for the numerous beach walks,

 for the sea-waves staring sessions and all the emotions that it churns out of anyone...bare!

But each has their own priorities and there I was, dwindling to find my own. Amidst this all, there came a point where I dropped everything and just went for a lake walk, had my favourite boiled corn and a lot of hot boiled groundnuts! ...my dinner and it was already starting to rain.

At work, I have had a few commitments and I could check them all..felt happy about myself and that the lingering thought of work is past me now!

 Yeah, took me so much time to even decide if I shall carry my laptop along or no...and after a bit of brainstorming with a friend, decided Not to 🤗.

Viola! I dint see the bus departure timing properly and was in the assumption that it is at 11pm. 

I got back home from walk and started to pack.

I had booked both my tickets in a blink of an eye and a sense of accomplishment took over me. Drizzles which got converted into a heavy streams of rains faded away...my heart was already there...but worries were with me; of that of packing, it being the working day, upcoming events lineups, most important - I have had boiled groundnuts which can disrupt my gut-ease effortlessly and at any random time, and I am travelling in a semi-sleeper bus!!

For some reason I kept reminding myself to take it all as casually as just another day...no rush, no anxiety just one thing at a time. 

During this two hours gap, I attended a neighbour aunty who came to return my plates with some sweets and who speaks core native Telagu language, which I don't understand, so it was all gestures, but her presence was making me feel jittery...I tried hard to explain her that I need to pack and that I shall connect later... but she wanted to (un-invited-ly)  take a tour of my house for the nth time and put some more effort to talk and then leave..ufff!

Then, I sorted clothes to pack, my neighbour friend came and was surprised to know that I am going ahead with my travel...she helped me with digging out my packed bag pack from within a suitcase that was itself packed in a cloth piece to avoid dust!

And while speaking to her, taking a few trips between hall to the bedroom and back or to kitchen in between, I finished packing.

I then sorted garbage to be discarded the next day and handed it over to my neighbour. (So thankful to her for her kindness and heart), washed soiled vessels from morning breakfast when I had invited a neighbour's aunty who was leaving that day while I would be in office. I then sorted veggies and fruits too. Gulped two bananas and few cashews 

😂🙉

Now my neighbour got me some packed snacks to carry so that I don't starve and also some bites of hot Tomato rice ..yummy it was 😋.

 I had decided to leave home by 9.30pm to reach the pickup location which in the rains would easily be an hour+ ride from my home. I thought of attending to few time critical tasks and completed it by 9pm. 

I got a call from the bus conductor that the pickup location is silkboard and departure is 10.05p!!

The reminder of being at ease was tested in real-time and it actually won. I dropped the concern and reminded myself...if I miss the bus, the trip wasn't ment for me💝

(OH! This last line reminded me of my US trip - caltrain episode. when I was onboard and heard the song - 500miles...if you miss the train I am on...I am gone...a hundred miles....)

Well, I have had the exact same experience sometime back when I visited Pondy where I booked tickets after a heated argument and thought it was for night but it was for morning 10am with just 1 hour to pack and reach the departure location and how the auto guy turned out to be my Masih!

This time again, I got auto at 9.30pm, made it to the bus at 10.01pm and was in compete awe! I made it!!

--

The bus reached Pondy an hour earlier i.e 4am and I walked from bus stop till beach road..almost 45mins with my luggage, in the isolated lanes.

Later, at the beach, 

sitting under the drizzling sky, with my luggage by my side, my windcheater as my matress on the soaked stone slabs; I thanked 

 my body for it's cooperation inspite of sleeplessness and all the groundnuts, my neighbour for her care and love and time, for friend to be my sounding board and everything that brought me here in my now.

To the unexpected drizzles in this month, which is when I wrote the above lines...💕.

--

When the guesthouse opened at 5:30a, I waited in the waiting area for reception to open at 7, took another nap in a plastic chair and then at 6.30am decided to head for my ginger tea and cake. There was just this one slice of it which someone else took and figit-ed with..but kept it back. it broken my heart and I left the tea shop, but seeing that the other tea shop was closed too, I returned to KBS with a thought - if the cake slice is still there, it was meant for me :)...and Indeed IT was there😍.

--

But yesterday night, when I left home, i realised, I forgot to take the shell that I had to return back...

--

Loads of love Tan!