कब हम खुदसे इतना प्यार करेंगे?

छत की दीवार से सट कर बैठ गए;

थका मन लेकर,

हमारी साँसे और हम।  

मासूम नज़रों ने आसमा की तरफ देखा और

तारों से पूछा 

कब हम खुद से इतना प्यार करेंगे?

की, जब दुनिया की परवाह न होगी;

बस हम अपनी मस्ती में मस्त होंगे 

सुख दुःख, ढोंग से कोसो दूर होंगे।  

क्या वक़्त निकल गया है ...

या कोशिश की एक नन्ही आस रखे रहें हम?

कब हम खुदसे इतना प्यार करेंगे?

की इतना दर्द न सहेंगे हम।

...फिर किसी को इतना न अपना कहेंगे हम 

कब हम खुदसे इतना प्यार करेंगे?

Uttarayan 2025 (Festival)

'Makar Sankrānti, also referred to as Uttarāyana, Makara, or simply Sankrānti, is a Hindu observance and a harvest festival. Usually falling on the date of 14 January annually, this occasion marks the transition of the sun from the zodiac of Sagittarius to Capricorn. (source : Google Search)'

Yesterday night, I had set an alarm for five am, for today. The plan was to get started somewhere! i.e. into the habit of knowing and celebrating Hindu festivals with deeper awareness and involvement for leveraging the blessings or just to feel some belonging factor.

Before heading for bed, I had made a long list of things to do, especially deep cleaning, which usually should have been done before - The New year, as per the Hindu calendar. But, I have an excuse for myself - after all I am a working women :P (BS!🙄)

Per plan, the alarm rang at five am but I got-up and momentarily forgot why I had put that alarm 👀. Possibly, I was enjoying a deep sleep. Slowly, I got into conciseness and debated the pros and cons of getting-up at 5 am. It was already 5:30 am when I got-up and knew I needed some real motivations and played devotional chants to mark the new day...I searched for Sun Mantra, this relaxing song changed the whole vibration of my house and I was attuned to it.

I started cleaning project from kitchen cupboards, emptying all old foods or snacks, dusted & mopped the whole house, soaked dusty doormats and how can I forget to clean all other stuff in and around the kitchen Temple? After showering, I used a copper Tumbler (lotah) to offer water with some sesame seeds to the Sun God (something I learned this morning from one of the You Tube reels).

Around 10:30 am, I finished Pooja and I was starving, decided to start preparing meals & have brunch at ~11. It was veg pulao in the earthen pot 💖, yup I have been experimenting with earthern pot cooking as it gives a unique flavor, retains the rich color of the vegetables and keeps one humble...I mean, one has to be very patient and should use wooden spoons for mixing to avoid damaging the pot. I had prepared extra so that I can share with two of my neighbour's, along with the traditional Ellu-bella (obviously purchased) .

As soon as the rice was done, I took a portion of ellu-bella along to give it to the downstairs family and then to owner's family and seek blessings and exchange greetings. It feels home to seek elderly blessings on such occasions. 

Around 12:30 pm,  I finally sat to eat and the other neighbor got me some masala curry made of Avarekai (hyacinth beans). I felt, my meal was completed with ellu-bella (sweet), Rice and Curry,  by the grace of Annapurna Maa. I was actually very tired but all the love and festive feeling and vedic or traditional chants kept me going. 

After brunch, I crashed for ~ 15 mins but the mind was active and was constantly thinking to get done with the pending laundry. Around 1:30 I went for washing and drying laundry....and in my mind, I was like will this mark my year as it is believed that one starts the new year on a good and auspicious note by indulging in spiritual practices and some offerings etc but me??....ha ha ha...The Laundry girl of 2025 :P

Handwashing laundry after meals isn't a joke but madness on my mind and I wanted to just get things ticked off my bucket for today. I guess I need to release this association of accomplishment with such mundane daily chores because they are making me less productive and focus more things that uplifts me eg. Painting, cooking, Dancing or doing nothing or just day dreaming!! 

Later around 2 pm, I crashed like a dead log...around 2:30pm I was awaken by this sweet kid who bought me sweet Pongal from his home. I love to tease him and spend some fun time with him....he is more like an elderly (grandfather's) soul in a tiny baby's body and he looked like one today :P. But this made my day!!

Around 3pm, I got ready to visit the Gaushala and Khatu shyaam temple. I reached and was like - the cows must be thinking - oh! one more to feed us now!! But I was kind and only offered the left- overs, scattered raw corn shoots and some Jaggery. I walked in the premises and met and caressed a few cows. Spoke to two little cute siblings who were playing with one cute baby calf and upon asking I was told that Baby's name is Krishna. I guess my being was so deeply yearning to feel this calmness in me which I finally felt after spending that time with the cows. I later visited the temple and sat in meditation for few mins and started back for home in an auto, the cold air was making me sleepy...:)

By 5 pm, I was back home and was invited to Aunty's house for customary - Haldi-Kumkum & Tambulam filled with season's harvest - Banana, sugarcane piece etc.

I later met my friend for a good cup of coffee and early dinner and I guess the rest of my emotions found it's way then, I believe the Uttarayan really made it's mark!  for a moment I was joyous, I cried, I laughed, I spoke endlessly and I was sad too, at times I was ruminating and the next moment I was back in the moment. 

Around 6:30pm I was back home and finished the pending dishes, boiling water, folding clothes and made myself a good cup of Basilur black tea (My Fav. from SriLanka). By this time, I was debating if I shall do cards or write.....

I got on call with Mom-Dad and we discussed random topics from that of 2025 Mahakumbh to Aghori (and I jokingly mentioned that my grown-up hairs look no less than an Aghori), to Papa's BLR visit, my travels, weather, the horizontally broken TV screen and how it now shows lagged visuals in one which was too funny to watch!! :)

It was already ~9:30pm and I decided to pour my mind here and see if my bandwidth approves, will do card or read.

All-in-all, it was a blessed day with many successes and few failures (emotional breakdown remembering the past and words and isolation etc). But the best part is I am looking forward to next stuff in my life, probably Tagda Raho?!! (Aligned with my 2025 Health goals..)

I know most of the time I experience life outwardly-in and yearn to feel it the other way...lead inwardly-out and be more realistic. Let's see where does this year takes me.

Gratitude. Grace. Love.

The one to console, always

 

Moon walks.... Canopy lanes

Gift from 'today' ❤️

 After my lunch at the millet shop, around 3:23 pm, I started walking towards the lake temple. I had my handbag with the notebook to journal and a wooden notepad, a hard ply sheet from home:)...one I use to use for my exams.

On the way, I brought some roasted native peanuts. The tiny and sweet ones.

Even though I was full to my neck, I gulped a few peanuts ... totally unapologetically :)

The idea was, after lunch, I wanted to go somewhere and be. A change of place and break from my overthinking mind and endless household chores.... especially after the inspiration from yesterday's videos on 'scarcity thinking'. 😃

When I reached the temple, I was greeted with the beautifully decorated pillars from the "vaikuntha ekadashi" celebrations. I felt happy. But the eco-garbage piled-up after celebrations was not a great sight and I couldnt stand there.

I started to walk along the periphery of the lake, a concrete walkway, towards the usual spot where I would love to do my Journaling and dwell deeper in my own truth.

But the overdose of food and additional peanuts made me bit slow and I decided to not do anything. For some unknown reason, my eyes were looking for a kingfisher and I always love to see them in flight against the green water of the lake and their blue wings are a sight to behold. And I believe it was just a matter of a second and I spotted one kingfisher...it flew in other direction and I paced-up towards it... Meantime, I also reached the bench and sat there peeling the groundnuts and eating them and also offering some to birds, fishes and squirrels. I love such stuff!! I feel so blessed to have this abundance surrounding me. 

I saw a white bird near the edge of the lake water and was standing so focused in search of it's meal and there it finds it! One small fish was gulped and I guess the bird burped too.

Sitting at the bench I was simply moving my head left to right...with my eyes searching for something, unknown. But then at a tree near me, I saw this Indian paradise flycatcher bird and my heart skipped a beat! The way it moves it's long tail is spellbinding. And I was looking for this bird since two monsoons, after being introduced by my neighbour, who spotted it on a lush green neighborhood tree, when it was raining.

I couldn't believe what I was just gifted with....I longed more and more to see it moving from tree to tree and branches to branches wading it's tail so beautifully.

I then lost it. But stayed still sinking in the beautiful magic of God's creation.

(Slightly hard to spot the Paradise bird)

After this, the sight was such - as if I was invited to a bird's party. I saw many tiny beautiful birds, chirping around, some came closer on a tree opposite to my bench and I adored them, the colors, the beauty and ease with which they too were looking at me...at a far off distance I spotted Brahminy kite in the most graceful flight. Then came a black bird with white stripes to jump and pick something from near me, I guess the peanut that fell off my hands....

My attention was interrupted by the sounds of duck chicks who were about to dash each other and later I spotted a beautiful kingfisher again crossing the lake in its beautiful flight, The trajectory was traced with vibrant colors i.e. brown hood, white neck and blue feathers ❤️

Now off to journaling...

Wish you luck and love Tan 💞 🤗 

The best therapy...

Late evening, today, after I had taken a hot shower, I wondered what do I do. There was a weired jitter I was experiencing and trying to fight.

Then I sat down on the yoga mat and placed a cushion too for the comfort. I have been thinking of learning more about scarcity mindset and how to heal it consciously, even knowing that it roots from the generations before me and may not completely be healed...

I watched two videos on the topic and something from those videos inspired me to declutter (one of the task for this weekend), let go of all that I haven't been using or consuming in anyway, restrict or clear all that I hoard.

In that high of being inspired, I wanted to allow and open my heart to the feeling of bliss and joy and let go all the unwanted feelings, thoughts, patterns, behaviours, experiences I am calling that aren't serving me in anyway, including even those dresses that I am holding on to (my love for pure cotton fabrics and beautiful sowing 😊). In a way, clean-up every nook and corner of my pschycial, concious and unconscious states of being and my surroundings.

I was feeling a deep sense of calm, as if a new life has been infused, a purpose to look forward to and one that resonates with me - to let go the old and welcome the new. 

I started with journaling the gratitude list which took me on a quick tour of various events, things, people, wisdom, Mother earth, her guidance, myself, my family and all the Love.

Then I wrote forgiveness. Primarily to myself for all that I go thru and suffer with and avoid or deny (the joy or abundance ...).

I began to feel a bit better and lighter in my heart, more rejuvenated. I then moved on to clear my dressing drawer, home-office table and few of those artificial jewelleries, one tyat I no longer use. 

After a great millet dinner from a nearby etary and walk back home, I started the tasks with Alexa in the background playing some soothing old Bollywood songs which later changed to bhajans🙄. Songs kept my momentum and motivation up.

While cleaning the desk, I came across an old journal from 2021 and the dreams of having seven resorts in seven different continents providing Heal Y Your Life sessions to all. It also had the theme of that year i.e. a year of Yes (commenced on 10th June 2021),

I also cleared all the MBA books that I have had latched on to, for so long, thinking I will read them one day. There was also these premium magazines  Robb Report. The magazine covered articles and beautiful pictures of luxury cars like Rolls Royce, Mansions across globe and some of those vintage bikes and watches and other luxury resort Properties and lifestyles. The pictures stood as a reminder for my vision board and for a very long time I had the Red RR pic kept at my desk to feel great about such beauty tyat exists and may someday be mine to experience ❣️🤞. I checked in my heart, if I am ok and my consciousness looked at me as said... "Already xx years old...how long will you even live to carry this extra baggage and space from your mind and surroundings?? Please let go! Make space for things that matter to you in your now - journaling, calligraphy, clay work and greeting cards! that is where you are more alive.

At once I segregated all the other stuff to discard or give away. I looked at them all like a lost beloved

who would look the other knowing this would probably be the last meet and a final goodbye.

In my heart I thanked each of these pieces i.e my lipstick, hair band, colorful hair clutches, those magazines, notpad, few immitation jewellaries etc., packed them all and made two packages, one for the raddhi vala (trash Man) and another for the vegetable vendor's daughter. 

I did want to clear of a lot of old clothes too but I wanted to be thoughtful of my own sentiments as well. Take one thing at a time and be easy....things will eventually happen and I should be in a position to make them happen with ease.

Indeed a best therepy! - clear and make space, do more of what brings Joy and ease, have grace and faith. Gratitude will flow...

A Day in 'B's: A Word Cloud Reflection

Today, if I sit down to jot different facets of emotions I feel in a day and the various events, things that surrounds or make my day, there is no better way than a 'word-cloud'!

And following are the words that forms my Day :)

Build, Books, Blue, Bored, Blank, Bank Balance, Brunch,
Busy, Bliss, Beneath, Breath, Back, Big, Blog

This morning, I wokeup feeling a bit directionless, dull or without any motivation than just to stay put in my bed. I did snooze the alarm, say by 10 mins and went back to thinking something that may make me feel calm and easy or attended to. I struggled a bit but then I looked at the journal where one of the first promiss for 2025 is Health and the first bullet point is - Meditation.

I saw time on my phone and it was 7:35 am already. I juggled to decide between a inner child healing meditation or a fifteen minutes yoga nidra (bummer- neighbour knocked in between to give me some sweet paysam). I chose the latter to welcome a bit more ease and restfulness before I attend a training session - "Build your Narrative" from work schedule, starting at 9 am. 

This helped me feel immensely recharged and connected to self. Given, I had limited time on hand, and wanted to mop the house and take shower and possibly cook breakfast; atleast on such auspicious day (some ekadashi)!. I missed my exercising routine but chose to manually mop the floor which eventually helps me with some stretching and mal-asana pose 😃. (Sometimes I laugh at myself -  thank God no one is watching. How weired a girl can be with all the makeshift plans just to make herself feels good about her own promises). 

By the time I finished mopping, it became 8:37 am and I din't want to entertain any feelings of anxiety or rush so I went to take shower and soaked all the laundary in hot water, to be attended later in the afternoon.

I got ready and logged on to the office laptop, setting it up at the kitchen slab. I was glad, atleast for this session, I was a bit prompt:)....(Note to self : All my love for being on time). Because I was in the kitchen, I remembered that I hadn't had a drop of water or my routine of warm water either. I then made myself some boiled water and squeezed a few drops of lemon and sipped while the training started. I could stay active and engaged till 10.30am and during a 5 mins break hogged a banana and some mixed melon seeds, the mind was already drifting and had a pact with tummy to finalize on the brunch menu. After I finished my two hours training, I then rescheduled and cancelled other meetings as the current wasn't there and laptop and phone was going dry on batteries. To get some sunlight and fresh air, I then went upstairs to handwash the laundry - a labour of love under the warmth of sunshine and to make use of natural dryer. The hardwork made me hungry.

I returned to my kitchen-office, cooked some gram flour chilla along with hand pounded tomato, onion chutney; made full use of motor- pestal in absence of electric grinder. And the brunch was soulful with the flavours of winter harvest. 

Soon after I felt the need to take a nap and I allowed myself sometime to scroll online posts and then at a point, just drift into a deep nap but my mind was actively engaged in  the back and forth of a certain memories, trying to find an answer, to see where did I go wrong, what still bring tears to my eyes and why my gut wrenches at times...

But then I wokeup at a certain hour and was at ease and felt well rested. I then picked my book and went to my balcony to sit and read on the day light. It was a Blissful time I spent among the books and beautiful stories and memories. I had actually thought of reading the slimmest book, gifted by a friend (also the auther) I met during my US visit in Jan of 2024. But just hugged and kissed the memories and the sweet handwritten note on it.....to spare that read for another day. May be the lingering belief and thought beneath this act was to preserve and hold on to the unread and cherish the memories for as long as I can. Yup, somethings are strangely inscrutable!

After an hour or so, I prepaired myself a hot cup of ginger, masala tea and poured it in the biggest mug I have. While sitting in my balcony, staring at the Big mug of tea; unusual for me, I like small portions of food or beverages; thinking about books, pending work, 2025 Big A## Calendar, my daily dose of learning etc, this topic for my blog surfaced and mind started to collect all that it can brew into this story of my letter-'B' day!

Oh! Beautiful Sun🌞

I tried hard to catch a glimpse, to click one pic for myself, by peeping hard thru the tall oak trees, thru the high-rise concrete jungle, amidst the hide and seek of metro pillars, passing by or the parallel moving traffic....all while sitting inside my office cab.

(Feeling - ouch!)

And just when I thought I got that one shot I longed for, the clouds played funny and engulfed the massive bright sun...making me question myself - 'was the sun even there? Or was I day dreaming? Or did the car change it's course?. To me atleast the car  appeared to be moving northwards, thru and thru...

Then, at a perspective, I looked up at the vast clear sky, lit like as if there has been smoke and fire but not a wild one...a softer warm one like that of winter mornings...

The tall buildings created a vivid contrast against the bright sky making the view more mystical with an emotion of celebration.

I could take a few snaps from inside of the moving car but when I actually checked the photo gallery, I smiled at myself and told the sun...I lost it, you won this game.

Remembering that chase is not that leads to a win, but staying put, may...

And I waited for that perfect moment where the traffic light would turn red, without any clutter of other lorries or heavy motor vehicle or any of those tall hefty metro pillars, blocking my view. The wait was too long and I gave up.

Onto my left, at a height, the sun's reflection on those tall glass buildings was moving as effortlessly as any fluid which was on the same course as ours, morphing its appearance from that of a bright orange-yellow disc with blurred edges, to that of a folded paper circle, stuck at a elevated edge of those buildings, to somewhat like pieces of a pie arranged in a circle with one piece missing or shining with such luminous energy that the illusion (reflection) turned into a delusion. It was a mesmerizing sight and I told sun - I know you are still in the game, nudging me with your static yet moving presence.

Amidst all this, I found myself switching between my blog window and the open camera window, on my phone. With the twist and turns on the drive way, I was constantly reminded of the bright sun's direction and presence, those bright rays shifting and falling with its warm presence - either from back glass sheild of the car onto my shoulders then changing directions as we move, taking a quick stop on my lap, to appearing between my fingers and spread around the palm where I held my phone while I was typing. It then moved to my forehead to plant a warm kiss and then completely gone missing.

Just then, the car ramped-up on a flyover and I was more confident now, as I would be able to end this chase with a delightful photo click but what I overlooked was -  time was ticking too, the sun that appeared like a soft woolen ball in the early morning hours of my drive to work was slowly and eventually turning to shine to it's full glory and the form I was chasing was my own limitations of perception.

At a point, the whole fun turned into a deeper and moving realisation and I rested my hands on my lap, sinking in to feel the feelings and look up and just breath. In that transitory moment, I see the car taking a slight curvy turn such that the sun shifted from that of the right window to the one on my left...it was a sweet meet and greet, without the need to chase or any back and forth of thoughts. Sun's momentary presence and shine fell on my face and the warmth filled my heart with a deep light-heartedness and I concluded the chase by continuing to move in the direction of my office :)

Embracing the 'in-between pause'

As we grow forward in our life... meaning as we age or we start to feel- we are!. We also realize the importance of social connections. Things such as mindless chit-chat, soaking up in the warm winter sun, non-stop hogging all day, cooking and hosting friends at home and also taking their help with the preparations, being very authentic and genuine self and offering all the love and care etc. Things which felt pass-time or meaningless, starts to feel more important, relevant and enriching.

And one such thing is (if one is still an employee), on a workday, taking time away. To take it slow, spend some meaningful time with a good friend or invest in a relationship to nurture self and be. Do things that connects us to our own individual selves.

Value and make space for a much required 'Pause' 

At my work place, as I deal with a limbo state where I do not know if me presenting the facts on a certain workload (which also meant commitment for an extreme level of context switching), will be addressed in a right light or will be decided differently. I find myself distant and unwilling or say being made to feel the trouble maker or possibly it's my overthinking consuming me.

And dealing with it since last three months has taken it's fair share of toll on my wellbeing I.e. sleeplessness due to stress which I din't know how to navigate and build a muscle against, the unfavorable voices in head etc. And after one final meet with a senior leader (a day back, presenting the complexity of that situation and the need that certain policies needs to be revisited; helped me unburden myself and a deep sense of relief was felt. Afterall, as a cautionary step, my mind was always engaged in the thoughts of what next and how and where....

Since, there is only this much in my hand, I decided I need to learn to focus on myself because work will eventually be taken care off. I am just one another headcount on the budgeting sheet. And I made a promise to myself to schedule 'Nothing time' and also a day in a few weeks to celebrate my uniqueness....my whole being.

Today being the start of this promiss, I had invited a friend for lunch, she happened to be my ex-colleague too and recently been on sabbatical from  corporate and is currently partnering with her husband on a startup and some research projects. From the time I went to pick her at the metro station, vegetable shopping to cooking, resting under the warm sun and munching the fresh season grapes, to deep talks,  journeys of our individual lives, funny conversations over evening ginger tea, Remembering childhood and the cultures we grew up in, aging parents, patience to what we want from life or to give in our current phases of life... It was deeply therapeutic.

Something, I am unable to recollect when was the last time that I engaged in such simple pleasures of life, such days where we flow with life with free flowing thoughts and being ourselves...

This was the first time she was visiting home and as soon as she entered, she complimented and acknowledged that she felt some very positive vibes and that filled my heart with deep sense of gratitude and comfort in the knowing.

We had also done some sankranti shopping i.e ellu-bella (white sesame and Jaggery combo), along with few other things like roasted peanuts, dry coconut, and some roasted grams...which is customary that every hindu household will exchange this as a mark of Hindu new year...and a gratitude to mother earth for the first harvest of the season and all the bounty.

At that mark, towards the evening we wrapped our day,  bid byes untill we meet again. 

After she left, I realised how important it is for us to connect, build relationships, build that space to accept eachother with our flaws and leave that in the past, move forward, take a break from all the roles that we are playing - willingly or per our fate i.e a worker, a mom, a wife, a daughter or a son, friend etc and this post is dedicated to those moments of mindless indulgence and celebrating the social circles and us. 

Unbothered shores of 'Possible'

I came across this line " Unbothered shores of Possible" while listening to one of a youtube videos and I was instantly arrested by those words.

I dwelled deeper into the underlying depth of those soulful words... And to me, it spoke volume of that of an Ocean.

How cruely and mostly, unconsciously; we limit ourselves when we let our problems take over us and limit the experience of our existence and get too consumed by our surroundings, be it mental, pschycial ,or virtual.

I am revisiting these words and loving the deeper essence of my existence,  the possibilities I am now open to - to let them surface and being acknowledged.

Someday, knowing I am the creator of my life's experiences....I will be sipping my hot chocolate at the "Unbothered shores of 'Possible" ??

Oh! How warm these words sound..

Can someone really fell in love with such written words? Then I am already taken over...✍️💕

Creative Chaos that brings serinity

 

Too much to love and too little to live

Yes, a few months back, I found one and today  I was finally there! -  at the ayurvedic salon.

I was drawn to it because it was something my heart was seeking, a space that nurtures the deep knowledge about skin care, grooming etc thru natural products, sourced from the nature.

Though I was told they use all ayurvedic products and when I checked composition on a product label, it did had a base of chemicals. Anyways, I think it's foolish to look for purity in today's era.. 

Just as I was stepping out of the salon, I saw a brightly lit board on the other side of the road that said "Nativehood with the tagline - Joy of Indian crafts". The name itself appealed to me and knowing I may end up doing impulse shopping, I resisted a bit but eventually crossed the road and went near to it, the board was hanging at the boundary wall of a house. 

I entered and loved the earthy feeling of that house. It was a brightly lit house converted into a shop. It had those red coloured floors that I had seen only in olden days. Step by step, I was fighting the urge to go further....but the shop was so beautifully done that I surrendered. The wooden shelves, holders made of bamboo displaying the Dohar that were made of pure or mul cotton and printed in beautiful intricate soft elements or block or batik prints with various bright and earthy colors

I felt in love with the place. For the initial fifteen mins the owner of the shop wasn't around as she has been out for a sales delivery. I was attended by a sales girl who seemed to be an intern...

From one room to another, from displays ranging from that of frocks, kaftans, kurtis, pants, babies dresses to ceramic crockery, to handmade stationeries and few jewelleries like fabric bangles, bohemian earings and some studs, to beddings and lenins...I was being lead by the earthy feeling of that house and the smell of cotton. 

When It was time for me to try out clothes, I was lead to a small room at the end of the house and that felt as if it would have served as a small store room. I stood there admiring the simplicity, the unevenness of the walls, the human feel that is still alive in it, the humble truth of us human beings that we will eventually leave one day...that small encloser opened my mind to the transient nature of life and I took few mins to collect myself back and start trying dresses. 

I don't know what was unfolding around me today and I was feeling a different flow in my whole being. I was guided and lead towards things that are so dear to me and I love them. 

Inspite of thoughts like -  you have dues to pay for house whitewash, you just spend a good amount on salon, that enough! it's just the beginning of the month and that you are travelling too, the paycheck date is far away 😀 and who knows probably you may not continue the job...so shop next time. 

But, I am me...I am like what if it's my last day will I still restrict myself? Eventually, I ended up buying a frock, a veil and a handkerchief. (All things love)

Hence the part - so much to LOVE 💕 

I wanted to further keep walking in the bylanes but I was getting hungry and I had food at home so thought not to roam mindlessly and end up hogging street food.

Then, I messaged my friend asking whereabouts, if dinner is done and wellbeing of a dear one (suffering from a life threatening condition). The response was :

Yes. 

okie.

Those two words spoke volumes and the vacuum too. How can people muster the courage to be by the side of a dear ones while they dealing with sever health conditions or almost counting days they would be alive or dealing with the way body is going thru hurts or pains etc?

What hurts me more is that inspite of the old age, the ill person is willing to consult and seek alternative medical support but unfortunately none available and there are many complications. I know it's not at all easy for my friend and it crushes me completely to feel the pain...

And I wonder why is it that we have so many aspirations...or so little endurance that sometimes asking for death is the only way forward.

I am at loss of words....

May God bless them all 🙏🌸

The year to shed and work on shadow

I had promised myself to journal about the shadow questions and they are so draining and gut wrenching that I cannot attend to more than three in one go...

When attending to them, I also realize how much I have been bearing in terms of hurt, painful feelings, fears, unresolved emotions, longing, shame from relationships or trust being misused, self doubt for many reasons etc. In addition,  everyday life, brings it's own share of experiences and impacts.

With year- 2024 sun-setting, me having ruminated  it a thousands of times with the memories of how the events panned-out, the good, bad or  unbearable memories of those events and in my own desire to re-define the new year 2025, to be the one ringing in to more new aspirations, to bury all that I wanted to come to terms with, leaving behind the 2024... including any rage or bitterness I hold.

In that respect, I started to dwell more and more into all sort of knowledge and resources on feelings that I struggled with, the heaviness or knot I still cannot left go off my chest, the memories of words spoken as promises and were backed-off from, which creepes up at any random isolated moment and which makes me question my own self worth...and look down upon.

Not just that, it then leads to some aspects of childhood traumas, work related unique challanges, health, age and time that is ticking or anything that is associated at emotional level is weighing heavy, adds up.

I took solace in pausing but mindfully bring some routine to ease my being, to allow myself space to be truthful to self even if that means a lot to let go off, to accept the path that life is unfolding and holding for me, to prioritise people and places that feels like I belong with them..

Thinking all this also brought forth that I am constantly consuming too much of data and overthinking information and not actually making space to be, to internalize the new knowledge, to take time to act and build a rhythm and flow into the new wholistic ritual for ease in my own being. And that screamed that I need to learn to shed...

Shed the love and grief,

Shed the need to be conventional,

Shed the safeguarding layers on my pschyce,

Shed the burden of holding the responsibility for others...be what they would feel, do or interpret of my actions.

Shed the exhaustion that I feel with such sabotaging,

Shed the fear of loosing. Be it a job, a position, time, probably a love or only one that I know off..

Shed collateral damages done to me or that I allowed into myself,

Shed that noise in the head that is addictive 

Shed the knowing that I have passed the age,

Shed not being bold to lead

Shed the masculinity that I continued to portray to safeguard the 'Feminity' of me.

Shed the fire of rage

Shed the hope of gones to come back...

Shed the shadow 

Realising the ease, grace and bliss.

 

Life - like Pichkoo dhokla

 Yup! Sometimes one is so excited with a receipe in mind and the tummy is already prepared to do a grand welcome for food being prepared in kitchen, but one which is already cooked in the mind and also plated.

But then, the tangy twist happens!

 (Say life happens)

The airy powedry soda, which is supposed to make the Dhokla batter fluffy, eventually gets solidified and if the cook isn't cautious, in the excitement of it being the last act in the game, may directly add the lumps! Thinking themselves as one like the famous Salt Bae.🙄

The result will be a batter which gets steamed as it  or gets fluffy only in places where the soda lumps were hiding, more like grande!!

 🫣🤐

Exactly, like the dhokla below.

Though the taste was good...but I had to swallow it than enjoying it. 

  

While eating, I felt a uncanny resemblance of that of some people's life with that of this Pichkoo  (deflated) Dhokla. Where one plans a great deal about one's life and phissss...the air is gone away.

The planner takes great care about every single details like how one would gather the raw material for Dhokla...eg. Setting the curd at home, stealing a few home grown Curry leaves, even getting organic milled gram flour! But who would have thought the soda will be the culprit and when the packet would be cut open and poured on the batter...chapak! (Ok ok... that's too exaggerated). The lumps fell off and inspite of all the efforts to crush it before the oxidation processes gets over...was all in vain.

Nevertheless, life is life :)

And the celebration can be of different texture or colours too!

New year - 2025!

The dream spree

This morning, I woke up with a vivid dream from some bygone era.

The things I remember most clearly were: a pair of dark brown, almost black, bulls or cows sitting on the ground and munching. One of them had a horseshoe symbol on its forehead, which felt magical to me in the dream.

Later, I was walking towards two long, wooden carts or chariots parked facing each other, like taxis.

The chariot on my right was being pulled by two elephants, while the other was drawn by a pair of horses.

I saw a well-built, muscular man in rugged clothes – a dusty, off-white cotton dhoti and an off-white sleeveless waistcoat. He was lying face down at the edge of the horse-drawn cart. The whole scene felt peaceful and still.

As I walked towards the massive wooden cart, I heard rumbling sounds coming from the other end. The cart was so long that the sound traveled quickly, and it took a moment for the actual movement to begin. Just as I was about to touch it, the cart slowly started to move away, and the rumbling sound intensified. It startled me, and my heart began to race.

On the other side, the elephant-drawn cart also began to move, but more slowly than the horse-drawn one. I wondered if the movement of both these giant carts was intentional or if something was amiss.

And then I woke up.

Gili haldi (raw turmeric) - Tried new and authentic Rajasthani winter receipe 

Showing some love to myself. 

After my noon nap, I took a turn on my bed before opening my eyes and there i see those blooming vibrant flowers and it filled my being with a deep sense of love 💗 

When Alexa goes on her own trip. 

I asked alexa to play one of my favourite song and it made me laugh :

1. Song -  Unnaku thaan song. Have no clue if i ever heard this one, even by mistake nor do I understand the language. I then went and checked the lyrics and meaning 😂 

2. Song -  Un Poco Loco 😂 😂 😂 . This one definately made me get-up and wonder if I am in some parallel world, on a new year's day!! The song was something i can't even humm if I wish to 🤣🤷

3. Song - Aazhi Mazhai Kanna. Again, i don't know the language nor the song. Probably i would have loved the music and searched it after a movie or  hearing it somewhere... But definitely not on my favourite list and I still don't know the meaning 😂 

I wonder if Alexa has an affair 🤨🧐 

Then she plays... Dil hai chota sa... And I am like...ok ok. Apologies accepted.

But then, Alexa knew my weakness and played : heer heer song and my heart skipped a beat 🪘 .

--

30mins Vipassana on terrace - 

After the noon nap, evening hot shower, I lit a oil lamp and some sambhrani dhoop and offered or took the burning incense to all the rooms and kitchen, bath and dead corners.. including closets to feel a fresh healing healthy energy around. 

For some reason as the sun was sliding down, my anxiety was creeping in, probably due to the un-due pressure I am taking of my own clutter of aspirations I have for myself and small things that I love doing and haven't been taking time for them and my being feels hollow. The anxiety isn't healthy for me and hence I decided to go out, under the open sky and do a 30mins guided Vipassana. post that It truly felt so great! I was ready for the world or say was just happy being. I then prepared. Cup of cardomom tea for myself and some snacks. On another gas burner, added some sweet 🍠 potatoes for boiling, for dinner. These were gifted by my neighbours. 

It feels so great to be composed and not driven by fear or anxiety.

Last night I continued my deep journaling and a many deep seated beliefs and feelings surfaced and I felt more liberated and more comfortable in my own skin. Feels the more I journal, the more I am seeing dreams 😀.

Dropped a - new year wishes and gratitude note for a new friend (I met on a flight).

--

Well now heading to complete one or two water color greetings. 

--

I have been taking note of things and events that make me feel at ease, happy, unrushed and  blissful and probably tomorrow I will have my new Calendar ready for the 2025 adventures 💝.

Note to self - Loads of love Tan. 

--

Indeed a blessed day and beginning to the 2025.🙏

May all be well. May all be at ease.