Ho'oponopono prayer

The 'whys' continued, and I wokeup to a fierce rain and a chill morning. 

I then did some surfing on YouTube and came across a video that talked about how a girl's repeated patterns and relationships that she chooses or attracts, are all an outcome of the deeper resonance of feelings, be it - grudges or hurt that she still carries from her bond (or lack of it) with her mother, Such is the depth of is her connection with her mother, with or without choice.

It made me reflect deeply on the course of my life and now scan every event which wounded me, through this new information.

At last, the video also guided me to do a Ho'oponopono meditation on monther to fix the same. 

I reluctantly engaged in it, thinking, 'I have come far away, and this is useless' until the repeatation of those prayer words took me back to certain moments which had my eyes filled with tears and the heart felt heavy, for missing, not recognising, or acknowledging the side of mom that was always there for me.

I wonder and ask the universe, 'Now, why this information and where do I go with it? Rather, which direction?'. The information will only leave me swinging back and forth between my past and present....so what's the use? Let me crawl at my own pace and deal with life as it comes...

Well, I knew if I stayed a little longer in my bed, I would be consumed by endless thinking, and the outcome could be undesirable and disheartening. I din't want yet another day with either a headache or puffy eyes.

I pulled myself up, started with the daily chores, planned my breakfast, and then got into some bit of stretching and warmup exercises to keep my mind at ease -- and I love that about me. 

After a soulful breakfast and the best-suited beverage for the day — steaming Filter coffee☕ — my neighbours and I chose to deal with the day a bit differently and we sat for some arts and crafts. 

And I must say, my heart felt at home for those brief moments.

What I did for myself was a bookmark that I had loved; the price of it in a store was way too high (from my perspective) so I chose to create a similar copy for myself 🐒💕 (sorry to the original creator, but deep appreciation for the creativity and simplicity)

 And...it's time to reveal :)

Right from paper cutting, giving it a feel of a notebook's page, eyelet fixing and even sketching....it all lifted up my spirits 💝🙏.

That led me to make a vision board for a dream house I would someday want to live in...with a big lawn, humble flooring like that of olden days, a swing in the open courtyard and loads of trees and a lotus pond....+++

Dreams!

-- Ty Tan & I Love you even more.🍃

A 'Me' Monday

 At this phase of my life where I have many un-answered 'Whys' and somedays it feels like I am on retirement mood, more so because slowly my aggression, passion and motivation to continue to work in the current role or say to work for purely earning money and be financially independent; alongside also manage some corpus for parents etc is getting almost checked, or say, I feel it so.

Sometimes, with AI coming in picture, it feels the world may be getting more challenging for new generation to start with and I sometimes take that burden on my shoulders that possibly, I need to make space for them...by probably leaving a space I am in. Afterall they might have dreams to live and family to support too.

When I reflect on these passing thoughts, in the hindsight, it feels like the shock of loosing some of my best peers to that of current layoffs, is still lingering and as an overly vigilant individual, such safety measures or thoughts leading to that mental safety, naturally crops-up. 

Alongside this emotional rollercoaster, and knowing life is short (at-least the work-life) in the current era...sometimes, I keep myself motivated by simple events that either I plan or am being blessed with and one-such day was today, I can call it A Me-Monday. Why?..

When I carry a smal box with specific Jeera-Khari biscuits, to office, to dip & have it with my ginger tea :P

Wear a comfy attire and  those bright footwear that makes me feel the most carefree or probably more eccentric :)

--

A 90 mins full body massage <3 (one of the perks @ work & my motivation :P)

--

Bonus? when rain God is showering mercilessly. Where driving becomes an adventurous task with almost zero visibility.  (Confession - I did ask for the rains a night before, but never knew my wish will be granted with uber power & intensity and such continuity to go on for three + days)

When I am blessed with neighbour's and landlords who are more like my Family and pamper me with so much love and food!! Such blessings are precious to me.  I missed my family and had tears when the thought deeply touched me — to know how blessed I am. Uncle aunty's presence makes me feel I am near my own parents and felt equally cared for and looked after🤞. May God bless them.

Some online shopping where one spends days and nights, searching for one or more specific products, locate them or select the one close to the choice and when it gets shipped, eventually return most of them citing - quality not upto my liking :(. 

but the best part would be when we all girls (neighbour's) would sit together with three different phones, multiple online shopping platforms and drill down the specifications of a particular product  or surf to the extent that all off us will get motivated to shop...irrespective of if we need anything or no...the need can be created :D 

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

With all this, I love my space to be able to get back to this blog, one post at a time (no matter how random or meaningless it may look or sound), to explore the depths of my emotions or sometime just make peace with them or learn from them. There are those days too, when I am the most unforgiving and will be hurting but then some or the other blessings come my way to heal me, help me find a way or at-least navigate the emotional tides. 

A little part of the credit also goes to me allowing myself to flow with the day (yesterday), at a day outing with my crazy bunch of neighbours, just being kids again....having fun amidst the nature (@Pyramid Valley), playing badminton, laying on the green lawns, caressing the cows at Gaushala, enjoying some summer treats and also painting <3. My heart felt as if it has never been wounded and I am deeply grateful for that.

In fact, after returning, I attended to a long pending task of writing a note on an empty card...and just that exercise made me feel so much elated, more forgiving, free and  easy-going. 

 So, may be a Me-sunday too :P

--
Love you Tan!🫂💝

Becchappa - Soulful part of my day

 Yup, Becchappa (kannada) = Scarecrow

Becchappa with it's Nilgiri sword and a hay umbrella.

He owned a beautiful house and bountiful Amelomelon 😄🙈

Day or night, safeguarding the harvest was his job. Even if it means climbing the steep trees and quietly observing any tress-passeres....

And...If any one dares to cross the boundary....will be dumped into the pond, besides his house and left for them to soak in the muddy waters....

But those loved by Becch-appa, will be gifted with the best of Amelomelon 😄 💪.

--

💝

The sound of rains

Past midnight, I sat in the outdoor balcony listening to the drizzle that later changed into a fierce pouring. And the thunder and lightening grew louder and stronger too.

The whole day I had been inside the house, confined, which is so unlike me ... I knew why I was.

Anyways, I had to force myself to journal and that journaling uprooted deep sorrows, triggers and memories, some questions and answers that I seek but haven't and will never get.

When it got dark and was quiet, except for the healing sound of rains, I couldn't hold myself and rushed to the balcony. 

I was sitting there watching the water flow in this beautiful form as rains and observing how it's sound created a melody for the soul. Amidst this, I lost my train of thoughts sinking deep into my pain. I was lost until a loud clap thunder and a flash of  lightning, that transformed the whole sky, pulled me back. That was also the moment the rain grew more dense. To me it felt, as if were the cry of my soul; wanting to weep hard and let everything out so that the traces of pain and emotional baggage might dissolve or diminish completely.

And for that moment, I had no qualms about identifying my deep seated grief  to the purity of that rain. My chest started to feel a bit lighter and my eyes yearned for that fierce lightening and thunder. Somewhere, I knew that my heart needed that nudge...even if it is frightening.

At one point, I felt, I should get up from my chair and head straight to the terrace, get drenched in that rain, even if it isn't recommended.... And I did that! In the mid of this night in city light (darkness is a myth here or lies only in the hearts...)

I asked the rain gods to help me heal and wash away the heaviness I carried as the shadow of my past....

Even though the rains at this time of the year is un called for, I felt a deep resonance and infact I looked forward to more of it....

Just the sound eased my being and I knew I will sleep peacefully, for the remainder of the night. 

The intensity of the rain reduced, but it's heart warming presence and the music calmed my soul I knew I could sleep peacefully without the baggage of shadows of the past, guilt of tears for trapped emotions and beliefs that are capable of shattering me all over again. 

But for now, I surender to this sound of rain.... 

Broken heart can be beautiful too 💕

My love 😘💕!

 

Hey Moon,

(Clicked on 13th May 2025. next day of Buddha Purnima)

Hey Moon,

Will you be my reading light?

Softer to my eyes...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my night light (from the window)?

A warm presence in the darkness of night...

Hey Moon,

Will you be by my side?

When I seek someone to hear: my side...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my travel companion?

Conversing in solitude, with the shores and tides...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my writing inspiration?

Together, we will dwell deeper into existence and imagination...

Hey Moon,

Will you not be my mistake of the night,

But a promise of a memorable, bright - daylight?

Hey Moon,

Will you be my memoir?

For, when I am a memory in a frame & if remembered, you will be the one admired...

Indian Cooking - Sometimes an adventure ride or a jigsaw puzzle!

 

This morning for my breakfast, I thought will make a small Bhakri (thick chapati, roasted with Ghee or Oil) using the home grown Spinach and Onions along with some spices and 

Sattu powder (brought from the farm) + Jowar flour.

This was more like a random mix of available ingredients but for the person, I am, I can already sense the taste of the outcome before I even cook it...:P 

Till here, I was throughly enjoying my adventurous ride...

But, when it came to rolling the dough, to make chapati, it all failed, off-course due to Jowar's presence...(which I knew and had kneaded with hot water) but still...it won't taking shape and I decided to take the pan at room temperature, applied some oil and using hands and fingers, I tapped the dough such as to give a shape of a disc and switched the stove on. Half way thru, when I had to flip it,

 a few places the Bhakri appeared to be Drought-stricken land  and at the flip, some pieces came-out and I had to literally put a lot of effort to match the fallen pieces with utmost care to see the cooked or non-cooked side before placing it back in the main piece....and Ta daa! The award for Bhakri Jig-saw puzzle winner goes to me!! :P (clap...clap)

For a sec. the puzzle resembled to that of my life ..ha ha. But the final taste and outcome of all this circus was soul satisfying...so, Nooo complaints!! 💕

--

Love you, Tan.

Overwhelmed with War

Indeed the past few days have been emotionally challenging and I realized - for me, personally! it get's extremely challenging to detach or be able to focus on my own priorities or unaffected life (touchwood). The agitation and anxiousness was so much that my thoughts were racing faster than what my body could pace-up with and thanks to the realtime updates and numerous insights available on social media that added fuel to that anxiety.  Anyways, I (guess) am not beating myself for that...but I couldn't really detach from the pressure I felt to do something for the nation, at-least whatever minimal in my max. capacity that I can .

Now, when I am about to fell asleep, after all these restless nights, with sleepy eyes, I reflect at what kept me floating: 

1. I forced myself to engage in things that shifts my focus from any emotional trigger activation points to that of creative pursuits, time slows down for me. I requested a friend to join me for breakfast, followed-by a few rounds of  walk in the nearby lanes and just talk it out.

2. I continued to list my weekends chores including hobby time and activities to engage with in-spite of every heartbeat feeling a burden, thoughts pulling me in a downward spiral - Life is becoming meaningless! whats the use, tomorrow is not promised, whom am I trying to fool etc.

3. I drew hard boundaries with a simple NO, with so called friendships where I started to feel drained; when I was reached-out by a friend that she will visit me blah blah blah... I felt at peace with myself. Sometimes, I hate this treatment if 'pity' that such people show on me!! IDIOTS!

4. I guarded my 'rest, read and learn' time from uninvited networking (read neighbours's time).

5. Engaged in decluttering my book shelf and stationary drawers. I discarded books that I haven't touched in months and I know I would never go to them. I cleared everything that is just there and make me feel guilty that I am hoarding stuff and even books plus some books took me back to few particular memories... 

6. Celebrated summers, even more closer to my 'Now' by ordering 'Tender coconut' icecream. 

7. Forced and started with a gratitude list & later transitioned onto some trigger journaling& reflections. 

8. With hopelessness consuming, I looked at my commitments and as planned, cleared the final big piece of a big chunk of loan. And marking that Goal for this year as done, as such a blessing. 

9. Progressed on my online sessions of Udemy prema-culture course.

10. Cooked, ate lunch and dinner with neighbours. 

11. One of the day, Booked a movie and while I had sometime on hand, I visited a bookstore and to my amusement, picked-up the book - Normal People by Sally Rooney. Even before reading the epilogue, the Title of the book had my heart and a smile appeared on my lips and heart felt at ease. With everything in such a contrast, all I come across - Normalcy! in this form :D 

It was hard, so hard for me to stay focused or centered and on one of the days, while walking with a friend, discussing Indo-Pak war and how I am taking one moment at a time and pulling back every concern etc with the world such that even if I am required to fight, I am ready!! War Ready!!

But soon after, I started to talk about everything that is making me feel deep guilt and how I sense a heaviness in my chest, for which my  friend had to say - Just now you were thinking and talking about War and being War ready?..right?...I said - Haan 'Yes'. Friend replied : then just think about the war, don't your start a war in your head with your own-self at this moment! 😼 (I laughed-out loud at this situation of mine)

Wrapping randomly as I was about to lose grip on my phone and drop it on my face, as my eyes are shutting down...

Peace loving cockroach 🪳

 They say, a picture is equivalent to a thousand words...

(One from a small pooja corner in the kitchen)

अब मैं क्या ही बोलूं? 🤦

And I don't event know to laugh or cry or panic! Afterall it's a cockroach, point of concern!!

One side the world is on fire and wars happening and this peace loving cockroach knew if it lays eggs and it comes to my notice, it will be respectfully taken in a dust pan and will be tossed out into the wild. 

But look at this smart mumma, she smartly played with my emotions and laid her egg in the safety of Buddha's (statue) arms with the lap being it's cushion 😂 🙏.

Buddha also must be thinking, ओर कैजुअली मेरी सफाई करो!! 

Sometimes life is so incomprehensible yet too funny and filled with innocence 😇 

I hope the baby 🐥 - C is enjoying the warmth of the oil lamps and the incenses...and turns out to be a blessed being. Afterall they are the oldest on this earth and I am just transient .

--

The mock drill

Heard that mock drill announcements are out. I tell myself - now that mock drill is here, war is not far from a realty....

And sitting here, I remember my family, my parent, then zoom-out and return to my current space. Actually, a few mins back I was busy searching a wooden shoe rack with locker, online. This one task, I have been postponing since long....

But today, I went ahead to the extent that I even thought of hiring a carpenter, get a custom built shoe rack with my own design. I guess it's the urge in me to create something, experience the long lost expression of creative indulgence, in some way more personal and purely for self. And to my surprise, I was troughly enjoying it, was even discussing it with my neighbour. We talked about the material finish i.e. wood color, the lockers, pannel design, capacity, mounting etc 

The news of drill pushed me to reflect hard on my life and ask - what else and what all have I been pushing away? Knowingly, unknowingly or even because of the deep seated belief - I don't deserve it. 

This also leads me to a conversation that took place between me and my manager over lunch, today and he was asking about my recent break/ time off. At one point I was explaining him that the summers were at it's peak and I had to take a bus and travel for ~4hrs 30mins, after flying for ~90 mins and that those buses looks like government buses inspite of it being operated by private vendors. He patiently heard me and simply asked me - but why don't you then hire a car, is it not available?. For a micro second, I went silent and later respond - one way taxies are expensive.

He (with a brief tsking) - yeah, but that's ok once in a while....isn't it?

Later, in the day, while in my cab, returning back from work, I wondered why is it that it never occurred to me or why is it that I never looked for bringing ease to my life? Not just in this case alone, but in various aspects...

I feel, I know the answer but I am deeply paranoid to face that truth and accept it for myself; rather feel comfortable and safe beneath the confrontation.

Well, I started with the National mock drill told and got derailed with my thoughts but all I now reflect...what all I would have wished I did, if this was supposed to be my last...

• Taken life and myself less seriously.
• Danced more and more joyfully.
• Planted more trees and grown forests.
• Never held myself responsible for meaningless stuff i.e. for other's mistakes, pains, troubles, even that of my parents etc.
• Would have spent unapologetically on myself too, along with bringing or attempting to bring ease to my family. 
• Acted in threater plays.
• Painted more often, by the sea or a river.
• Lived more wholistically, surrounded with my people and family.... provided I would have felt safe and understood...else would have had my own family.
• Loads of friends, gatherings and meaningful conversations along with required amount of 'Me' time.
• Would have lived amidst woods and worked in any creative industry which could have paid me well and nurtured my creativity....or else, I would have owned one/ multiple business, myself.
• Would have written loads of letters to my loved ones, strangers & friends etc...sharing how my life is magic because of their presence.
• Forgiven self more freely.
• Setup a pottary studio and gone wild and fluid with my experiments with the designs, colors, baking etc 
• Would have been more loving, kind and playful.
• Would have owned an animal sanctuary too...
• Invested time with scientists to develop better engineering for agriculture in India and run projects to educate villagers on the importance of plastic free living, women wellfare and emotional wellbeing.

Now, even if war happens, I guess I am sorted in my mind....I can clearly see the bio or mock drill of my desired life being drafted 🤣.

Atleast, if I survive (and in all my senses and wellbeing), then I can atleast be of some use to the nation and people around me.....enough to get done with life.

--

On a serious note, may the मातृ भूमी be blessed, borders, guardians and it's people be safe and sound🙏. May the hearts heal and mend for good 💕

Home harvest 🥗

 The fifth harvest from the balcony gardening 😍🙏💝. Thank you Mother earth ...

Prioritising self-care

Yup! Kudos to me 😃👏.

Since last evening and through the night, I did tread a bit emotionally.

It took me deep reflection to decide where to begin easing and the only thing I knew was to get out of bed and step out, inspite of the sun, being too late for breakfast (~8.30am) etc.

I somewhere realized only the air, the chaos on the road or change of environment has the power to help me heal from the moment.

After a good breakfast, minimal conversation with the other but a lot of back and forth within which I called out when my friend asked if I am alright, I responded - "I need to allow myself to take a break from people, places, even the job that triggers me and my thoughts are consuming me, I feel exhausted and emotionally drained as memories, expectations, isolation everything takes its toll especially when I am more aware and I have to be handhoded with my emotional downtime"

Post breakfast, I went for a walk nearby, at a layout with great lush green patch of healthy blooming trees. I took a small break, I tuned into my heart telling it to imagine as if I am walking in a forest, every step is rooted in the soft soil, my ears tuned to the loud mating calls of the crickets  ;), also seeing a few bunch of new born puppies made my day, they were simply so adorable 🥰 😍 

I could see I was starting to feel better. But again, the idea of having to head home, on a weekend, pushed me back in my agitated mode and I prolonged the time to returned by heading for a fuel refill for my bike. Afterwards, little grocery and veggies shopping. Finally, when it came to me being dropped home, my heart was boiling with anger and a sinking feeling and hurt.

Anyways, since I was aware of such patterns; before stepping out this morning, I had prepared a list of tasks for the day i.e. daily chores, head massage, sleep, reading, cooking, laundry etc. and I got along with that. Yup, sometimes nothing meaningful to do triggers me hard and I get entangled in an un-ending cycle of killing time, guilt, overwhelm for the pending work and overthinking.

At home, after arranging groceries, I jumped to the first task - of hair oiling and head massage and striking it on my task list helped me to slow down and take things one event at a time and feel good about the progress.

Post that, I tuned into a 15 mins body scan meditation to release trapped emotions and I don't know when I slipped into a deep sleep. I wokeup feeling rested and at ease. Felt happy about it and infact 'sleep' was one of the agendas too.

Then, one after the other I kept attending to the tasks but somewhere I procrastinated on work related events or even art stuff. I was feeling  inclined more towards book reading and reflecting on self, on all that I am denying or rejecting because I am not looking into my trauma in it's face.

Why I started to write this post was because I came across this YouTube video - Root cause of trauma and why we feel lost in life, I had saved it to watch later. I had tuned in to it while cooking my evening meal. 

The video spoke to my heart, especially things that I would have loved to know and hear growing up. I even forwarded that to my cousin sister's for them to consider it. They have kids and as a mother one should be aware too about what a child may need ( and not get caught up in social pressure of presence and showcasing only)

I feel in many ways I took baby steps to prioritise myself, not feel guilty about it nor beat myself for not being able to attend to the whole list of tasks. 

And that, in itself is a great achievement for me. 

I am surprised that, for a change, I am actually talking about achievements !! 😃🌹💪💝 

--

Love you Tan 🫂🐒

The Last link - Pain

 

... What if the loss is not something else but 'the self'. May be that's how we (humans) evolve.

A reminder to self:

1. Breath
2. Focus on gratitude
3. Feel the emotions and identify where all it is stored 
4. Just be...

Trust the process of life...🫂

A Daughter's Home

With chocking feeling in my throat and two drops of tears, while on a bus, I wonder - why is it so precious for a girl to visit her childhood home? (After every life changing events in her life: marriage, kids, loosing a parent etc).

And seeing my sisters, I realize it's a co-host relationship. 

Firstly with parents, where the aging parents experience a different joy and a special spark which fuels their hearts and enable them to continue to takeon the journey of life, whereas for the daughter's, their childhood memories make them feel home again, inspite of having to learn to lead their independent family life's, this nurturing from the familiar, of people who nurtured her from birth and accepts her with every flaw, stigma etc and that fills their soul, she gains and unmatchable security in her being. Girls, in return connect their kids back to the maternal lineage and the kids see mums (usually cranky) in a much relaxed state of being.

Secondly, the home feels revived and I myself experience this where each of my aunt said it feels like a wedding Home ❤️.

I sometimes get scared with the intensity of attachment I feel for my home and it is tearing me up even more to think so....

All I wish is - deep gratitude towards the supreme for the household continuity and wellbeing of my people 🙏 

I miss them and wonder where these seven days just passed by...in a blink and it's time to head back. 

Maa ki saree

 While arranging her closet, Badimaa ( father's eldest brother's wife -my Aunt) was showing me a repurposed wedding saree of her own Lt.mother.

Aunt shared that my sister (her daughter) has got her own saree embroidered with that wedding saree which has real silver and gold work and is timeless.

I was in awe with the silver peacock design so beautifully done. And the most beautiful part was the lineage a mother passed on to her daughter. I felt happy seeing that they both kept that space to hold on to those memories.

And at the same time, I asked myself what will I carry from my mom? Hope I will be able to dissolve the generational trauma and anger (Definately not thinking of any material stuff). 

Will I have that heart to hold kindness and love with ease and effortlessness? Inspite of the wound that never heals or gets nudged every now and then?

Well I think there is a reason for everything that God has chosen for me and I should be ok with it all.

Today is Akshya Tritiya, what better day to document this precious and timeless wealth of generations, leniage ✍️💝, and I feel I am still blessed to have many motherly figures in life and my family. Ty God ❤️ 🙏

When the Honks Fall Silent

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed!

Feeling the pain and fear inflicted upon the victims. 

Thinking of people who chose the path of 'Terror'...

Spent nights scrolling through reels, depicting how humanity's landscape is shifting.

Waking up with feelings of rage, anger and helplessness.

How the politicians, those chosen by so-called 'people',

So blind to their own mortality,

Are bent on infusing biases through what was once the beauty of any community..(Language, religion, region and even gender).

And those innocent at heart but deep in ego, get tangled.

I know every humble heart would have bled at this circus of power, territory, position and bloodshed.

Or probably I was in my own state of numbness that in many years, for the first time I hear not the busy roads (with honks), rather silent cry of humanity, that echoes.

I know there is no going back,

There are predictions and there are eras,

But I ask myself, then why the heck we do what we do? Why the delusion?

Insecurities roared even more...

But from whom? 

Sadly, those in our own surroundings...

Because Today I know the other as 'you',

Oh wait! Do we even know eachother?

My mind races to find the endpoint,

Finding none at the farthest of my contemplation,

Realized, the end has to Begin from once own heart,

With courage to look deeper, stand through the despair and through those individual shortcomings 

I know it's hopeless that will knock me down 

Not once but repeatedly 

But somewhere maybe, just maybe!

A hope with birth

To open the arms and hearts to consider the Me to Mine...

This is my Numb-ness expressed thru sobs.

🌹(To every soul that lost their lives and every heart that's mislead, may they find peace 🕊️)

Some mornings😌

Some mornings, all I want is — to cuddle with my thoughts,

Feel loved in the way I want to be loved.

With my eyes closed, 

Worries and burdens parked beside.

Open the doors of memories,

Welcome them, and invite them to sit with me. 

Together, we would write a note to ourselves, 

Pour our hearts into the words, 

Decorate the heart with feelings that nurture.

Open that book, in which the story smells 'familiar'...  

Some mornings, all I want is — to cuddle with my thoughts,

Feel loved in the way I want to be loved.😘💕

Simplest of Joys

One of those days, when I was in outskirts of the city, attending a workshop on mud house construction; taking a morning walk,..I saw a dry spherical flower and I hope it's safe to call it an Indian dandelion 😀💪.

I paused for a moment, looked up, the sun was shining bright from behind a patch of a cloud, right next to a big hill. The wind was pleasant, surroundings were calm and echoing birds morning song...no busy city noise, no tall concrete buildings but grassland and farms, all around.

I plucked one dry spherical flower and blew it in the wind and to capture the beauty of this moment, I was recording it on my phone, held in another hand. Just being able to be playful in the space, moment and nature was the most simplest of act that brought me or say - to my inner child, deep felt Joy...

(actual view)

I  don't remember when was the last time I indulged in such random, simple acts which brings me much joys, except for Ooty; when I first saw a real dandelion at a botanical Garden

 (dint blew it though :p)

(Loved walking on these purple buds)

Here is my list of simple joys that I would like to take stock off:

1. Random Autumn/ cafe/ romantic songs while enroute to work. It has a calming effect on me.

2. My cup of - freshly prepared less milk ginger tea ☕ , tha auroma has an instant connect to my inner peace.

3. Sitting by my small balcony garden and observing the different leaf patterns, especially the broken heart leafs. Those leafs do so much justice to their name and more to my heart with their tender feel and something about them attracts me a lot.

4. Seeing different birds taking a shower in the bird bath and their innocent ways in which they make their presence felt. The harmony among them is effortless and they are equally mischievous 💕...even if they don't fit in the mud bath, they know how to divide the task, such that bums are dipped first and then the breast and face. Splish splash!!

5. Evening ride to either temples where chants happen, lamp is lit, the vibes are high and I feel a different belonging; chats shops during Summers,  tea nukkad to live my awara side of me being me or AOL campus....with enough nature for my soul to surround with.

6. Staring at the sky, be it early morning while the sun is rinsing, night skys or when Brahmany kites are flying. Sky gives me a sense of the vastness when I am too drowned in my limited view of life, it acts as my sound board and also a creative inspiration.

7. Walking amidst tall trees (my soul's oasis).

8. Singing or humming along with a song that beats to the emotions being experienced and that's a highly underrated act. One cannot humm if not aligned within or when feeling anxious.

9. Connecting with strangers like hawkers near temples, kids playing in mud, the auto driver's or even someone at work ..I love to hear stories to keep my heart alive.

10. Being creatively immersed in everything I choose to do, be it dressing, arranging my closet, making cards, cooking, plating my food, gardening or even reading (in my balcony with soft music for my plants and a hot camomile tea 🍵).

--

Ty Tan. Loads of love 💕

An evening with the twins

(started writing on 4/18)

A lot went into the day for this peaceful, yet tiring evening :)

(Resumed writing on 4/19, 2.29pm)

After waking up and feeling clueless on how to go about my day; I had a commitment to keep, but my mind was unwilling to partner.

The commitment was to my distant relative (Bhabhi) that I would visit and spend a night at her home with rest of the family, especially the youngest daughter who wasn't there when I last visited. 

To make sure that I stay on top of my thoughts and  beat any inability to make a decision (even for such insignificant topics), I ditched exercise and started with cooking a yummy breakfast for myself with black ginger tea. I dropped a note to my Bhabhi saying that I would visit her next day (4/19).

My first target was to get done with all mundane chores (including the soaked laundary), except for finishing the unique task of getting 66 dry coconuts peeled and cut open, by applying all my jugaad mind :) and negotiation with an elderly tender coconut vendor.

The story behind these coconuts is another long story...

My neighbour wanted regular coconuts for her daily cooking (GSB food). She was thinking of procuring them from her hometown, which is becoming a costly affair. 

At the same time, I got information from a friend that a pipe at their home broke due to coconuts falling on it, and the bulb 💡 in my mind connected threads. I asked my friend to please supply all of those coconuts (not knowing they would be this dry)

My friend's generosity was such that, everytime my two wheeler (lended) was returned, I would get a bundle of coconuts and soon my balcony was filled with them!

I had to get rid of it this weekend :)

--

At home, after coconut event, which was almost done by 11.30 am, I had to get my heavy load of clothes ironed. I decided to do it myself as that brings me some ease and also gives me time to sit and listen to some meaningful audio on YouTube.

Primarily,  I wasn't feeling all that great last night and had sobbed my heart out :-| (sorry Tan).

Nowadays, I wonder if AI is capable of hearing my thoughts. I came across the following videos, and they helped settled my agitation and bring deeper clarity and certainty to my heart. 

1. Carl Jung | When the universe says no to a Love

2. Carl Jung | exposes how to love anyone without attachment 

Also, my relative called me back to ask if I can drop by today itself...as it was her eldest daughter's (a new mommy to twins - a girl and a boy) brithday tomorrow and she would be heading for a small celebration at a resort, with her husband.

I was left with no choice but to go. I realized I felt less burdened in my heart about it...maybe the audio did some magic. I also took some time to prioritize: get some household work done, take some rest, take head bath and then head to her place. 

In fact, just before calling for an auto, I decided to sit down with my pen-paper and do some Journaling and figure out the deep unrest I felt when it comes to visiting her place. I found a convincing answer to myself, and was more aware and intentional in my efforts to visit her. 

--

At their place, most of my time was spent in taking care of the newborns - twins, a girl and a baby boy, who are three months old.  I was slowly learning to hold them, comfort them in my lap, but it all felt effortless and natural to my being.

I was slowly adjusting to the contrast of the life that I live verses what is there in that 'Now'

 The tiny beings those babies are; the life of a new mother who also lost her father recently;

The support of a mother for her daughter who is a new mom; the uncalled conflicts between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law; family traditions; attending visitors who are there to pay their last respect to my deceased cousin; longing for understanding by dear ones (the new mother's needs); her birthday celebration; First piece of the cake being offered to the photo of the deceased Parent, all the random talks; sleepy eyes, cribs, sleeplessness due to kids experiencing gastric pain and crying all night...the homemade food business (to keep busy, offer the gift to the world and also earn).

Ah... What a day I had! I am not sure if I am a person suited for marriage or having kids....this experience was enough to make me have fewer hopes on myself, in that regards. But I really, deeply enjoyed putting those babies to sleep, feeling their frequent breathing on my palms while holding them, that beautiful smile and holding the assumption that they see and understand us. But for sure, they sense the energy and love around💕.

Love,  grace, Gratitude and wellbeing to all. 🙏

--

Back 🏡 

सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां

जाने क्यूं, सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां भर आती है

याद जब, वो बीती बातें, आती है।

जाने क्या बदलाव की आस लिए बैठे हैं,

कि, पत्थर की लकीर सा सच से आंख चुराए बैठे हैं।

एक कश्म-कश सी लगने लगी है, जिंदगी,

कभी रिश्तों की, कभी एहसासों की, तो कभी बीते 'बोल' की...कश्म-कश ।

थोड़ा- थोड़ा हरवक्त, ग़महीन रहते हैं।

चंचल है मन, जाने कैसे जिंदगी को जीना सीखेंगे,

जाने कब सुकून के किनारे पे लगेंगे,

और बस अपने आज में रहेंगे?

जाने क्यूं, सांसों की जगह, सिसकियां भर आती है

जब बेख्याली में वो एक "याद" आजाती है।

Bhagi bhagi zindagi

Another intentional step towards - what brings me joy :)

(After all the teary calls with colleagues who got impacted at work)

Participated in a workshop on mud house construction at a soulful farm - Mayavadi Organic Farms.

'Mayavadi', as explained by the owner, Maya means Illusion and the word, Vadi has two meanings to it. One in Tamil, that means to wither whereas in another language the combined word means an individual who spells Maya. For the property owner the word is a constant reminder of  'living in an illusion' I.e this earthily life.

My trip started Yesterday morning, arriving at 9:30am, meeting new people, breaking my own barriers for mingling with people of different faiths or having a preconceived notion about them. Getting to know people from different walks of life I.e. a mother and her young girl, who keeps travelling and learning thru home schooling, a girl who left IT job, married a photographer who captures snow leopards and high altitude birds and she keeps travelling across countries for teaching, a young guy aspiring to be a businessman and starting his off-roading arena, an architect, a family with two young boys, coming from a business background and consciously weaving holidays to learn and connect back with nature. 

Before coming here, I had various thoughts and that uncomfortable feeling, While stepping out of my comfort zone, more so because there could be a high possibility of me being all alone, a single girl...but just the idea of getting to play in mud brought back the only happy memories from my childhood, getting lost in the space where I get to play with and in mud. My souls feels the most happiest 💕.And this was one such stuff. 

Aside from mud house construction and raw material gathering, plastering, creating the structure, sitting and securing logs or bamboos l, learning new knots and indigenous techniques of house/ hut construction; what I enjoyed the most was making tea for almost all of us, thrice a day...all these labours 😂, yup that's what we called ourselves.

The funny incident (hope so) was - one of these guy, coming from Haryana, thinking that I am a good girl, came up to me to say that he just missed the chance with me i.e. he just got married a month back else he would have proposed me.🙈🐒🙉🙊

I later realised that I wasn't triggered. I was able to dis-engage immediately without any baggage of guilt, self-criticism etc. May be his presence there was my test.

The most beautiful part of my stay was :

• Playing in the mud, stomping without worrying about anything, be it looks, dress or even the deeply cracked heels

• Hiking at the nearby hill and bathing in the lake towards twilight, just jumping into the lake with same dress we were clad with...muddy, sweaty, dusty :p.
• Spotting a red full moon on the hill.
• Getting lost while coming downhill.
• Hugging a black calf, just 4 days old baby and it was super calm and adorable 🥰 😍 
• Yoga, meditation, stretches. At the end of this session, when I opened my eyes, a Dog came near my hands, licking me and then sat in my lap. I felt deeply loved.
• Farm plucked Raw mangoes, cherries, Guavas, bananas, Bimbli, loads of food, homemade fryums etc.
• Spotting beautiful birds like Peacock and may other tiny ones and listening to their songs.
• Morning walk and the view of flower beds.
• Drive with the sculpture, till the nearest tea stall.
• Playing with Dogs.
• Late night conversations with Harah, Namrata, Nadeem, Shankar etc 
• Wall art flow, complete involvement from inception to material gathering to final execution.
• All the hustle, new friends, new plans that popped-up like bike rides and visit to SAI Sanctuary etc🤞
• Zindagi felt like a mad rush! Right from leaving home for a three day workshop to experiencing it all in those three days, including the tiredness from all the heavy laborious work and scorching sun, hopping cab to bus to auto to make it back home on day 3. Primarily breaking my own limitations...
• Clicking loads of pictures ....

.    

Srirangam Temple visit - Part 3

Similar to churning of an ocean, to bring up deep hidden treasures; a mind and heart has to go thru a journey into the deepest depth of one's feelings and emotions to let the treasure of words weave into a story.

(This corner - the lamps and metal idol, stole my heart. It felt like a mini pilgrimage)

Even though this post could have been published long ago, it took me a little longer and no, I din't attempt to write it in parts either. I wasn't in the flow to re-live that magical experience of my Srirangam temple visit nor was I focused enough, something or the other was taking away my attention.

After the second post, a part of me was also deeply attached and was hesitant to let go or reach the completion. Which would have meant - leaving behind the memories as words, of that fulfilling feeling, resonance, the bliss, how things fell in place, all at once, how I was guided to take the first step in the direction of my heart's calling i.e booking the train ticket. 

Just to recall, I started the blogpost series about my Srirangam temple visit, after seeing the dry flower garland which I had safely put between the pages of a book (Lion's tracker guide to life), I was reading then and one day it slipped off and fell in my lap, exactly when I was thinking of writing my experience but had also given-up on that thought thinking it's too much or that I am not enough to write about it.

I had ended my second post at - how I found solace amidst the moon lit night and slept peacefully facing the temple and the full moon, visible thru the windows and the curtains were spread in a two dimensional tent like setup.

-- now let's get to the last day of my visit:

I had put an alarm for 5:00 a.m. , it was Saturday morning, a day regarded as an important day for the temple Deity and the temple was expected to be crowded.  I was yet to decide whether to wear a newly gifted green saree or traditional Indian salwar suit. This was the very first time in my life that I was carrying a saree along, on a solo trip. I was very new to this part of me, one, who would even think of wearing a saree. With whatever was happening in my mind and my being, of how memories were flashing from the experiences that my body had stored, good or bad. It was hard for me to decide upon the dress that I should wear to the temple that morning, limiting voices were clouding my mind. 

Then, I sat with myself infront of the dressing mirror, looked into my eyes and for a few minutes, attended to the anxiousness by questioning the thoughts and dissecting them - my truth or false beliefs.

I decided that I will keep aside all fear of comparison - whether I can carry or even wear a saree comfortably or not. Will I make a fool of myself if it is not tied properly etc etc. 

To my surprise,  I was ready in 30 minutes itself, including tackling the most difficult part of arranging pleates.

After I got ready, my body was shivering. My heart was experiencing palpitations, something that comes from the low self-esteem, even when one is looking good or when I get conscious of all the eyes on me. I consoled myself saying that it's just a visit and if I experience any discomfort, I can get back to hotel, change into a suit and step out again. 

I immediately left a message to Mr. K, my local guide and trip planner. After few minutes I get a call from the reception that Mr K is waiting downstairs for me and din't carry his wallet or Mobile.

I took my handbag, locked the room and headed to the reception where I was left dumbstruck seeing  Mr.K in his Pooja attire (South Indian), I felt a little embarrassed seeing him with limited clothes on his body but then I withdrew from any further contemplation and focused on my souls journey - longing for this temple visit and to witness for the first time, what is stored for me... On this journey of my  heart's calling.

Looking at me, Mr K. complimented - " you look good yaar and not at all like any amature Saree clad girl; one who would either drape a saree unevenly i.e too fitted or loose and then walk awkwardly" . I didn't know how to internalize this, I was nervous and extremely conscious that I am not perceived differently just because I look good in saree. My mind couldn't decide if those words are compliments or a hint/ ask.

He also commented on the print of my saree and I happily and proudly shared that it was a gift from my neighbour.  Now, a part of me felt a bit confident too; after all Mr. K. runs a saree business and at-least I can be confident about what he saw and acknowledged about saree draping.

Meanwhile, Mr. K reminded me that it is Saturday and the temple would  get crowded sooner and that we should aim at completing the whole parikrama in about 60 to 90 minutes, around the temple across different deities.

As we were walking through the giant gate. Mr. K. inform me that the only Mantra the I should keep chanting all through is 'Om Namo Narayana' (ॐ नमो नारायणः). At this juncture, I had a little seed of respect sprouted for Mr K. and his generosity.

On my way, as I was super excited about whatever was taking place, I also shared with him that Krishna aur Krishnan has been a constant name in all of my soulful trips that is - Bhutan at Tiger nest Monastery or Srirangam...

It was a quite morning but the whole passage from that of main giant entrance, leading-up to the temple was very lively with vendors on both sides, primarily flower vendors. I loved seeing them and those fresh flowers and something in my heart lifts-up when I think of the fate of flower, of those vendor's tender care for those flowers etc. At a small vendor shop (just a platform with some Tulsi, Lotus buds and Dhurva) I picked-up two Lotus buds and some dhurva, I did ask Mr. K which flower does the deity/ God loves or which is the usual flower offered to Mr. Ranganatha swamy? He said take a Lotus. 

Since, I was wearing a saree, I wished if I could put a white Gajra (garland) for my hair bun. For a moment, I remembered Maa, she always loves Gajra, especially on certain occasions and I believe that urge is genetically wired with me, because of her. But on the contrary a few other thoughts stopped me from thinking about it, I mean, a bit of Jainism (being considerate about other visible and invisible tiny organisms, including nature) and I just told myself, it ok dear.

At few places, I stopped and clicked a few pics too but Mr. K was taking a walkathon speed and I had to follow him. A part of me was grateful for his presence and a part was tensed and nervous...my gut was telling me something else. Near to the temple, we left our footwear's at a stationary shop, it was the closest to the temple main entrance door.  

With the intensity of our walking, my mind was also racing with thoughts and heart was experiencing disbelief that I am 'here'...everything that lead to this day, this visit etc...

As we entered,  there was a square varandah sort with the Dwaja pole; pointing at a navigation board near the next entrance wooden door, Mr.K said that the main deity's temple is straight, then there are many other shrines like (Ranganayaki and Chakkaratalvar, Ramajunam etc) in the complex. He also shared that devotees primarily visit the Ranganayaki first and then then Ranganatharswamy, stating that she is a very powerful deity here and commands that respect and once a year only she is taken out.

(looks like I underestimated the vastness of my experience and limitations of my words....+ the curiosity that I get lost in while searching for certain name, words on google but end-up finding more about this temple, the belief, architecture etc. shall attempt to return to this post again tomorrow...)

(Resumed on Apr/23/2025, 8am; during office commute)

We started walking towards Ranganatharswamy shrine and there were two access points, one as a fast Forward (by passing any que) and second was thru the que that moves in a reptile form where humans are guided with metal barricades; to me, it's pure crowd management and a bit of politics and some bit of business too. Afterall for fast forward access devotees have to pay and take a token.

I was carrying some bit of cash but was also following Mr. K and he seemed to have a way with the folks as his wife comes everyday to this temple and they all know her and him. In my heart I just said, I am ok with any path that you suggest. And the next minute, I see Mr. K having a word with the executive at the fast forward access gate, in Tamil (I don't understand much). He was let go in, first and  I followed. 

I was walking with mixed emotions of nervousness, self-doubt, awe for the heritage of this structure and disbelief that I am here!...(As I write I experience it again). And sometimes it makes me think...if there are no coincidence in life's events, then what invited me to this space? 

We had to walk in que and around the ancient stone pillars, Pillars that have carving and are treated with chemicals for their longevity. the pillars also marks the specific area within that hall as a designated area for certain tasks for the deities to be carried out.

Mr. K pointed at a central structure of four pillars between them, on the platform was a Silver pot with carving, shaped like sprouted vessel and said that this is used to bring water from a nearby well during Bramha muhurt and a elephant is used for the transportation. Also, every morning the Deity's chambers opens in the presence of an Elephant, a horse and a bull. I felt and instant gratitude for the people who are able to keep the traditions alive with such selfless devotion and that in such an era of where we Humans are so entangled and have lost the sensitivity towards nurturing and caring for people and nature, Animals are sharing the load. 🙏💕

And during one of my conversation with Mr. K, he  mentioned that the ways of living for this city and it's dwellers was already written by Ramajunam. 

Luckily, there weren't many people around except for the temple assistants and many Pujari's or pandits.

---

(Resumed on 7th May 2025)

My hands were full with a bunch of druva grass and two lotus and with the thoughts of continuity and maintenance of this huge temple, I was also holding folded currency notes between my ring finger and pinky finger, such that it was hidden under the flowers and dhruva.

As we were approaching near the main Deity's sanctum-sanctorium, Mr. K Informed me to do the Darshan starting from the Lotus feet and upwards towards the face. Whenever I visit temples, I usually close my eyes with hands folded in gesture of deep gratitude and prayers. I believe that the connection is felt in the heart and open eyes calls for unwanted distractions. 

But Mr. K advice kept me alert. The que got cleared and I dint know what to do, I was frozen in and for a  moment, Mr. K nudged, go ahead....and I went near to the Pujari's standing inside the barricades or gate of the main chamber...asa I went ahead on the platform near me, I saw an empty brass plate and something in me let me drop off cash from my hands into the plate...

But my heart was elated and joyous to see the deity in blissful morning hours, well decorated and to top it up, the Pujari's opened the gate for me to enter in the chamber. I couldn't believe my fate and the reality, felt as if I was day dreaming, I wondered and also questioned myself of the cash was the reason or something magical wa at play?

After ghe darshan, I was stepping back and that's when one of ghe Pujari gave me Gajra, and the moment got more surreal, my whole being knew that magical experience and how I was heard

That flower garland, straight from the deity became my precious possession and my heart was filled with love and gratitude.

--

Getting to know mr. K a bit better

Darshan of trio 

R n meditation 

Pc

Sign

A new journey.... promising?

 A new book found me ... "healing is the new high" 💝

Does it look promising? May be...who knows?

The journey has just begun.

But I find a lot of resonance in the first few pages I turned.

Sometimes, the thought makes me laugh.

  How a large part of my life has become all about healing.... healing from various stuff, all at same time.

Let's experience this high as well...

before the final sunset?

Well, that's ok too.

Codependency

I wokeup a bit tired and still sleepy. Thought, maybe some powerful inner child affirmations might help to pull me out of my sluggish mood but I wasn't paying attention, my body wasn't ready and mind was unwilling...

A few mins later, I had a neighbour stopped- by near the front window as she and I both were waiting for the garbage collector to come. I spoke (or say was the sound board for her) and then told her that will take a nap before the van comes. I then looked for some other video on YouTube, I came across "How to heal from codependency", in my curiosity to get more understanding of what it is ...I started playing it.

All this while, I had a different and very surface- level understanding of the word codependency and partly, I thought it's also being clingy towards a person, thing etc and noticed that I have been very self-critical, even though I hadn't fully known what it means and if or not, is applicable to me and to what degrees.

Well, one who hasn't know what it is to feel safe pschyically or emotionally, would rather be hyper vigilant or deeply self-critical and I know where I stand today; with all the experiences that I called in my life so far. So no harsh feelings...

After listening to that audio, I gained, a deeper understanding of the subject and also a sense of strong resonance with my own behaviour.

If I would rate myself with codependency, I would say I am not so bad but the next moment I wonder, is it so? Is it why I have isolated myself from any social circle? People, friends, or even families?. I do not think I can even fit anywhere and hence for one or the other reason, keep myself engaged in some or the other work or because I am too fearful of the dynamics of social circles, the load of emotional expectations, the words that the world, especially women uses to belittle the other....weighs heavy-a-load and I acknowledge that I am fearful of it all... It hurts me more than I can take. 

After the video, nothing changed for me, I mean the state of my being. I was feeling too lethargic, probably late sleep and emotional exhaustion.

I took charge of my day and did fifteen minutes of yoga stretches, took shower and prepared some sweet for "Ram Navmi" (my way of feeling belonged and not so useless). 

My neighbour had prepared breakfast for me and it was my brunch. I went to sleep again or tried to, but was too anxious and agitated. I played harivarsanam on alexa, thinking it's soothing music and warm lyrics will have a calming effect on me, but everything was in wane. 

I then got up and again ate some spicy and tangy bhelpuri with home grown Tomatoes, in it. I was busy keeping myself busy by moving from one room to the another.

One thing that I keep wondering and reflecting on was : "Betrayal isn't anything, anyone can do to the other...unless one Himself/ Herself is betraying the self".  That self-betrayal can be as insignificant as choosing career path which never aligned with the core calling, or not doing the things that brings joy, always letting others walk-over you, especially taken for granted and disrespected, over and again, in the false hope and confidence that the other would change. But nothing changes unless the core shifts... whether willingly or unwillingly.

I am not sure where this topic is headed now, but the only thing I have realised that worked for me is to take the necessary action in the direction of change, to be the change I seek. 

I know most of my days feels like vaccum and hopeless (ok, not so much, I have great immunity 💪) but I do think the time has come to move into the unknown, for one more time... To find who I am, what I feel belonged to or enjoy being, or love living like..

I do not know where to begin with or if I have already started the journey, this is going to be a constant push and pull, of self judgment and criticism, of decisions or directions being questioned.

Somedays can also be 'nothing' but do I allow and accept it? As it? Or do I panic and get agitated? Will I let the burning questions be unanswered and make peace with the flow of life, do I even have a choice, what guarantee can I hold for myself that I will not look back, trying to find my fault or mistaking the clues life was giving me?..

Whatever it is...let me take a moment of gratitude to wrap the day. I am deeply and truly greatful for :

1.  Maa - Papa and the whole loving and caring family.

2. Loving neighbours

3. Time I took to attend to me and act, engage in activities or events to ease my being... took a long ride, visited three temples, did one hour of beads chanting at Iskon temple, visited ex-neighbour over tea and wished her Belated Birthday.

4. This blog and time I get to be me in the rawest of my form. 

5. All the joy I find in striking the tasks on my to-do lists

6. The weather, winds, and walk around the lake temple.

7. Life, so far and the way I have evolved and new findings about my being with each passing day.

8. The paycheck that gives me the freedom to buy gifts and pamper self and dear ones

9. The depth of emotional sensitivity and me time to consciously let go and heal

10. For everyday magic...People, sky, knowledge, longing and belonging, books and willingness to learn.

Ty God for everything that you have provided for and loving ways you have looked after me 🌸🙏