Time to return the sea shell

Back from my last connect of the year—with my ex-manager—I was in a cab back to the office. I was having this "FOMO" sort of feeling; a strong impulse to go somewhere.

After all, no one is in the office or working! Why is it that I am the one taking all the responsibility to show up?

My heart couldn’t buy into the justification of my mind. I dialed a friend to ask if I could visit the campsite and checked train tickets, but they were only available for tomorrow noon. That would have dropped me at the location by the end of the day, meaning I would have entered the New Year, 2026, while on a train or sleeping after a long journey.

I was also looking for company, so I called my ex-neighbour; I knew she would be free to join me :). On the call, I asked her, "Shall we travel to Shimoga or Sakleshpur?"

Her response was that she had already been to those places, and she suggested, "Why don't we go to Pondicherry?"

And the rest is history! 😂😂

I updated my office return to 1:30 pm and made sure to book the bus, accommodation, and tour schedule. I got back home and attended to some tiny guests (my owner’s kids and visiting kids). They painted, we chit-chatted, giggled, and ate some fruits—and then I had to shoo them off! 🫣

Later, I had a call with my therapist. It was a beautiful session with even more intense insights and some light-hearted awareness that she inculcate in me. I am deeply grateful for her being in my life 🙏🌹; however, this was our last official call.

In the evening, after packing my luggage, I sat down to light the lamp. While doing so, I remembered a shell gifted to me by a school girl I met during a trip to this land. To avoid hurting her feelings, I had previously decided I would return it to the sea when I visited again... but I kept forgetting it at every opportunity. This time was different. While sitting in front of the lit lamp, the reminder came on its own, as if it were predestined and the time had finally come. I felt happy that it was so effortless!

I applied some ash to the shell (like a mini lady-priest), coronating "The Shell" and sending it home. I waved some blessings from the lamp toward it, thanking the shell and the love the girl showed when she gave it to me.

My heart felt deeply peaceful and happy.

31st Dec 2025

Here I am...

With love and gratitude, I bade adieu to it, and it was handed over to the ocean through the waves. 🌊

With love and gratitude I bit adieu to it and it was handover to the ocean thru waves 🌊


during Breakfast, I clicked this misguiding calendar

(It's 31st Dec 2025) ...


--
Love & Grace 💞🫰

The Evening of the 28th: A Reminder to Bloom

The evening of the 28th was, again, a reminder to bloom.

At noon, after finishing the lunch preparations, I went to take a shower while my friend was preparing her signature dish: baked aloo parathas. I tried to help, but because I love to play with the dough and am not too fussy about the filling spilling out a little—whereas she is a pro and very strict about the effort required for even an aloo paratha—I pulled back from offering support and headed to the bath.

I used this time for myself to enjoy a herbal bath with music playing on my cellphone. I got lost in my thoughts, drifting in and out of feelings of being inadequate, too soft, or overly accommodating, and fearful of confrontation—to the extent that I felt I might harm myself. Then, I reminded myself that my thoughts are a passing reality and not my truth, and I allowed myself to enjoy the bath. Still, I didn't feel good about the fact that my friend was in the kitchen cooking for both of us alone, so I rushed.

I came out of the bathroom, got ready, and hurried to the kitchen to ask her if all was going as planned with the baking in the baati oven. She didn't respond to my repeated questions. I looked at her face, and she gestured that she was on a call via earphones. I went quiet.

Something hurt me deeply at that moment. I didn't want that feeling to come to the surface, so I rushed to the terrace on the pretext of drying my clothes on the line—which was partly true, but mostly just an excuse.

I had tears; I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry out loud. The song continued to play on my phone, primarily to make sure I felt unaffected by anything around me. I was sobbing, and the song that was playing was so dear to me in that moment: Dooroon Dooron. Even though I have heard it numerous times, each line was speaking to my heart once again.

I looked up at the sky and saw the waxing crescent moon in the bright late-afternoon sky. I felt a little better. I checked in with myself: Am I alright? Is this overwhelming feeling due to missing someone by my side, or not having the  person around but so lost in there own world that rest nothing matters? 

I couldn't answer and I choked up. I prayed to God to send me the bird that makes me feel safe, heard, and protected—a sign that He was listening to me. It had been ages since I had seen my protector bird: the Brahminy Kite!

To my utter surprise, while I was wiping my tears, I sensed the shadow of a flying object passing from behind my back to my left. I looked up, and it was that very bird! It then disappeared into the crown of the greens.

I was deeply moved and couldn't believe my heart's calling and the fulfillment of a promise from the Savior above. My tears stopped. I reflected again on my feelings. I knew I was hurt because my friend was constantly on the phone with her boyfriend; to me, it felt as if no one else mattered to them, or that my presence was just secondary, even though I was the host.

I had to be honest with myself. I asked if it was perhaps jealousy or the discomfort of not having anyone to be involved with at that level of minute-to-minute detail. But I knew in my heart: No! That is definitely not the case with me. I would never be that madly in a relationship—at least not while I am sober! 🙄

I was overwhelmed because I had been in a similar situation a few years back involving a trauma bond. I saw something similar around me where I couldn't extend much help, nor was the other party seeking it. I felt suffocated because my being was unable to process the urge to help, share knowledge, and educate a dear friend.

I was nudged out of my thoughts when my friend hollered my name from downstairs, asking me to come for lunch. I quickly wiped my tears and replied, "Yaaa, coming!"

Before leaving the terrace, I reminded myself that she is my guest and I can drop all my expectations and just be, without any overthinking or getting stuck at an emotional level.

We had a yummy lunch together, and she asked if we could go back to the craft shop to buy another printable canvas diary. I said, "Yes, of course, let’s go."

We went, did a good deal of shopping, and visited a Bata showroom where I met an acquaintance from my plantation drive days. We both laughed at the coincidence, and I later learned that he is the owner of that shop—he even offered me a good discount! We then went to a Chai Point and had a good cup of tea. We chatted, made a list of pending items on my bucket list, and then headed toward home. We had pani puri on our way and visited the decorated, well-lit Devra Kere temple, which was all decked up for the upcoming Vaikuntha Ekadashi.

We both took a long walk and enjoyed the colorful reflection of the lights in the lake water surrounding the temple. We came home, I lit the evening lamp, and she took a shower and packed her luggage as she was leaving at midnight.

We then sat down to make some art, and that's when I could connect back to myself in the most effortless way, with my paintbrush following the rhythm of my heart. ❣️🫰💞

Ek baat jo hothon pe aayi...

Ek baat jo hothon pe aayi...

​An urge to write that couldn't be restrained.

​18 Dec 2025

​I was sitting on the kitchen platform of my family home, watching Dad relax in his chair after dinner. It was that poignant night—the evening before I was to leave for my Karma Bhoomi in the early hours of the morning.

​During our usual chit-chat, Papa asked me an unusual question: "Of all these days, what was the best memory you’ll take back with you? What was the best time you spent at home this time?"

​I was taken aback. I paused to gather my thoughts, my mind zapping through the timeline from December 3rd to the 18th.

​I remembered landing in Bhopal; the surprise visit to my uncle and aunt; the joy of seeing my expecting sister-in-law (their daughter in law). I thought of the shopping trip where I found that perfect traditional dress, and the long wait with my brother for the market to open so he could get his Ascot tie. I laughed inwardly remembering his teasing—how he threatened to introduce me as a "dealer" because of the trunk full of drinks I’d packed for the post-wedding parties.

​I recalled the grand welcome at the wedding house, the glitter of jewelry, and trying on the outfits Mom had lovingly arranged. I remembered the blur of the car ride to the bride’s town, feeling hallucinated by exhaustion from back-to-back travel and work stress.

​The wedding itself was a two-day spectacle of luxury and happy faces, but to me, it felt hollow. Lately, I’ve begun to find that scale of pomp and show meaningless. The essence of two souls coming together is often lost to reels, likes, and an outward showcase of happiness.

​The real magic happened afterward. The party we threw for the groom’s friends and our extended family in a rustic, barn-like setup was incredible. With a bonfire, the peak of winter, and comforting local food, we welcomed the new bride with games and laughter. I felt like a child again because my parents, my brother, and the uncles I grew up with were all there. My heart was full.

​The memories kept coming: the drive back home with Dad, eating crunchy guavas and water chestnuts fresh from the harvest. The twenty-minute train ride to our farm village with Bade Papa. I remembered the open kitchen in that old mansion, cooking with my elderly Grand-uncle and Aunt who live a quiet, retired life. There was a bittersweetness to their story, having moved there after selling their home following a rift with their children.

​I felt proud of the "bucket list" items I checked off: enrolling my aunts and uncles in a naturopathy session to show them that healing is possible through understanding one’s own body. And the family trip to Maheshwar and Omkareshwar—a dream I’d held since last year. I was invited in the Baneshwar Temple (alone) as no one else could jump from the boat, and get to the center island...I felt blessed. I wore my traditional best, we fed the fish in the Narmada, and stayed until the evening laser show. The Aarti at the Ghats felt like a divine blessing.

​I remembered the ride back, with Bade Papa acting as the DJ, playing old songs I might never have discovered if not for him. I thought of our long walk together, and the way his eyes lit up in the dark as he watched videos of his grandkids on loop. My heart cried with gratitude, realizing how much the elderly live on such simple memories.

​Finally, I thought of the quiet morning on the terrace. I had Dad sit in the winter sun for a "therapy session." I asked him to write down every positive adjective that describes him. After years of nagging and the weight of low self-esteem, he needed to see his own goodness. To me, that was the most beautiful moment of the entire trip.

​All of this flashed through my mind in seconds. I looked at Dad, moved by the depth of the last two weeks, and mustered the courage to ask him: "And what about you, Papa? What was your favorite part?"

​He looked at me and simply replied, "This time, your Mom didn't get mad at you like she used to all these years."

​And I went silent.

--

19th Dec 2025, 

At 4:15 am

T...- are you awake now? asked my bade papa, knocking at my closed room door.

Me : Yes!

I quickly got ready to board 5am bus to IDR.

While seeking the blessings before leaving home, my badi mummy chanted Manglik and when I bowed down to them, my bade papa hugged me tight and asked, should I come along?..

I said yes, anytime and for as long as you feel comfortable...fifteen days, a month etc. he smiled and said, no..no...I was asking about coming to the bus stand :)

And they all, My papa, badi mummy and Bade papa came to drop me till the main bus stand...in that chilling winter morning...

I felt happy that a door in all their hearts have open...as they are spontaneous and not always overly overthinking:)

A new few new stories were awaiting me when I reached IDR..

Protective silence ...

Sometimes it's not the pain...

And not even having someone to share with or not!

But, withholding and keeping mum to those - we call our own...

To let them be in peace with the buried truth  and hold that dignity

For them, and may be for the self too... 

 --

~ Just A character.

'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-

Gemini (👇) did a wonder job of extracting the exact essences of my bare minimum pointers...

"It isn’t the sting of the wound that keeps me up.  

And it isn't the lack of a shoulder to lean on—I've grown used to my own company.

No, the real weight is the silence.

I look at them across the dinner table, living in a world I’ve kept clean for them, unaware of the rot beneath the floorboards. 

I keep my mouth shut so they can keep their peace. 

I hold that dignity like a shield.

Maybe I do it for them.Or maybe I do it because, if the truth came out, I wouldn’t recognize the person they see when they look at me."

📝

Reverence and closure

While taking one of my barefoot walks, In the nearby garden...

On the ground, I saw a beautiful blue butterfly...

It lay there, beautifully, peaceful and wings folded..

I bend down to lift it up...

In my grip, between the thumb and index, I felt the weightlessness of it

And in my heart; the lifelessness of it.

I asked myself, what drew my attention to it? And what do I associated it with...

Probably I had my answers all along or may be the question was the only answer I needed...

I took the little one in my palms,

Came near to the side of a tiny shrub,

Dug-up a little mud and placed it in the lap of Mother earth.

Bidding it good-bye.

This gesture was a kind of freedom for me...

Yellow flowers

She: R, where are you in your life? I don't see you being their for yourself...anywhere at all!

Me: It's been ~ a month that I have written anything and to be honest I avoided it because deep in my heart I knew I was over stepping my own ethical boundaries...

She: how so?

Me: By writing and then constantly checking if I have had any visits ...and to be precise that one specific visit! 

She: R...if writing is what makes you happy, please do it and stop feeding that addiction. Write for the love of writing, you never known if it resonates with someone somewhere in the world and that helps them....

And when I said I don't see 'you' in your life, This is what I meant.

Me: yeah...you are right.

--

That piece of conversation with the therapist was more like yellow flowers to me...and that brought me back to me and my consciousness expanded and I started to notice those flowers again!...even during my walk to the groceries or simply trolling around amidst the trees.

Why Yellow flowers?

Long ago, when I was a kid, I read somewhere that if a certain thought is bothering you or making you uncomfortable..think of something that eases you and I chose 'Yellow flowers' :).

Since then, they have been there with me. I love the subtle brightness they carry, the vibrant being they are and how against the green they  shine like Sunshine...

They exhibit hope for me, they remind me of the earthyness, sometimes the combination that nature has put together with those yellow flowers instill more creative in me and my heart sings with joy.😊.

Very recently someone in office asked what is my favourite color?

At first I was like, I don't have any such preference but somewhere I get drawn to white and Ochre...

--

Same way, yesterday when I was walking to get some sweet lime (to heal my throat and feverish feeling)...I noticed a yellow flowers that I use in my bath powder too and it instantly touched that part of me which wanted to write about it. 

And for some reason I came across this cute little pic in my photo gallery; that I had downloaded to make a greeting card ...and I was so happy to see so many signs around me...

...well I couldn't find that picture again but in that effort I realised my gallery is filled with flowers ..ha ha ha

--

May your day be bright as the brightest of a Yellow flower!

Parenting the parent with AI

I was preparing for a meeting with my manager and I see a few notifications on my WhatsApp, it was a voice note from Mom.  When I checked, it was deleted, I got another message and was deleted again; like that, thrice it happened and I could listen to one of it before it was deleted.

The message was filled with anger against Dad and  instructions to me that - I should stop supporting dad in his farming activities and Dad is less concerned about his other responsibilities towards family and kids and blah blah blah.

The funny part was that - a few mins back, I had wrapped up a stakeholder management training session. As a part of that exercise, I was mapping my family under relationships priority. 

But the note triggered me and I was uprooted from my calm space, internally. I could sense, a cramp in gut, fear, palpitations...more like my body senses some threat! Because I have had worked upon my trauma healing,  the awareness of  knowing and observing my feelings came handy and It protected me from jumping into and trying to own the fixation piece.

I distanced a bit, took a deep breath and reflected on mom's behaviour, her back and forth with messaging; trying to express or convey the message and then deleting it again spoke a lot about her vulnerable space and also her thoughtfulness (maybe) that I might be at work. 

My heart softened a bit for her then...and I was out of my fight, flight or freeze mode. 

I could see the root - 'Resentment in relationship' and it was between Mom and Dad.

Since, I was about to get into a meeting, I wanted to give some food for thought for mom and enable her or divert her intensity of that emotion...so I took help of Gemini. I prompted it to give me 10 questions for self reflection and to dissolve resentment, in Hindi language and it  gave :).

I copied and pasted it to Mom😀🙌 and entered the meeting with my manager! (He was running late). And a message popped-up! : 'Teri i baatein, mere dimag se Bahar hai baithak, jab Sudh Hindi Mein baat karungi'  (Meaning: you are too philosophical and I don't understand the level of your talks, will sit and talk in clear Hindi !)

The message was verbally a bit strong disrespect for me but familiar and I burts out laughing and excused myself in the meeting and told my manager that I am being fired by my mom after my parents had some arguments! He was surprised and was smiling 😊.

We then continued the meeting & wrapped it in 20 mins.

After that, I called up mom because I knew she needed someone to lend an ear and allow her to vent. I then narrated the story of my meeting and my boss's expression to her and she felt shy and laughed 😀😀🥹. At that moment I knew the situation is a bit diluted. I loved her tender heart that melts so easily, unlike me! :).

The whole point I was trying to convey and bring was the authenticity of my life and contrast! That I feel I am a valued member of my team, at work and can command things but the same moment if Mom sends a message, my world is on a different triggered space....I feel the most vulnerable etc.

I later told her, I am heading for lunch and will chat later, she too shifted the topic to her meals and what she cooked today.

The next step was to speak to Dad to whom, I had sent the same Prompts and funny enough, he hasn't seen it yet! Phew!

I called him after my lunch and spoke for thirty mins explaining him that he needs to give more time to mom, Make her feel she is precious and important and learn to communicate his own challanges and not always feel the need to prove or be the victim...

We both signed off on a smily note. And my heart was at peace. 

Lesson learned: Not all problems are mine to solve and life is a passing reality, can be laughed at.

-- 

Thank you God 🙏💕.

--

The prompts :

गहरी नाराज़गी की जड़ तक पहुँचने के लिए 10 सवाल (10 Prompts to Get to the Root of Deep Resentment)

गहरी नाराज़गी को समझना और उसे दूर करना एक संवेदनशील प्रक्रिया है। इन सवालों का उपयोग आप अपने साथी के साथ एक खुले और ईमानदार संवाद के लिए कर सकते हैं, ताकि नाराज़गी की असली वजह सामने आ सके।

ये रहे 10 सवाल, जो आपको इस गहरी नाराज़गी की जड़ तक पहुँचने में मदद करेंगे:

"आपको लगता है कि हमारे रिश्ते में ऐसा क्या हुआ जिसने हम दोनों के बीच यह दूरी बना दी है? क्या आप उस पल को याद कर सकते हैं जब आपको पहली बार यह एहसास हुआ?"

(Focus: Identifying the initial event/turning point)

"मेरी कौन-सी हरकत (Action) या बात (Words) आपको सबसे ज़्यादा चुभती है और क्यों? क्या आपको लगता है कि मैं अनजाने में आपको नुकसान पहुँचा रहा/रही हूँ?"

(Focus: Pinpointing specific hurtful behaviors/words)

"जब आपको मेरी किसी बात पर नाराज़गी होती है, तो आपके मन में मेरे बारे में क्या विचार आते हैं? क्या आप मुझे अन्यायी (Unfair) या लापरवाह (Careless) मानते हैं?"

(Focus: Uncovering the underlying beliefs/perceptions about the other person)

"आपकी नज़र में, मैंने कौन-सा वादा तोड़ा है या कौन-सी ज़रूरत (Need) पूरी नहीं की है, जिसकी वजह से आपको लगता है कि मैं आपके लिए भरोसेमंद नहीं हूँ?"

(Focus: Identifying broken trusts or unmet needs)

"इस नाराज़गी के कारण आप हमारे रिश्ते से क्या उम्मीदें रखना छोड़ चुके हैं? अब आपको क्या लगता है कि बदलना असंभव है?"

(Focus: Exploring lost hope and pessimism about the relationship's future)

"जब हम किसी बात पर असहमत होते हैं, तो क्या आपको लगता है कि आपकी बात को सुना या महत्व नहीं दिया जा रहा है? किस तरह की स्वीकृति (Validation) आप मुझसे चाहते हैं?"

(Focus: The feeling of being unheard or invalidated)

"क्या यह नाराज़गी सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए है, या क्या यह पुरानी किसी चोट या किसी पिछले अनुभव (Past Experience) से भी जुड़ी हुई है? आप इसे कैसे देखते हैं?"

(Focus: Distinguishing between current issue and past trauma projection)

"आप गुस्से और नाराज़गी के बीच क्या अंतर देखते हैं? आप अक्सर किस भावना (Emotion) को दबाने की कोशिश करते हैं जो इस नाराज़गी के रूप में बाहर आती है?"

(Focus: Differentiating deep resentment from surface anger and exploring suppressed emotions)

"अगर हमारी नाराज़गी जादू से खत्म हो जाए, तो हमारे रिश्ते में सबसे बड़ा बदलाव (Change) क्या आएगा? आप कैसा महसूस करना चाहेंगे?"

(Focus: Vision for the future and desired emotional state)

"आज, आप ईमानदारी से क्या मानते हैं कि मैं क्या अलग कर सकता/सकती हूँ जिससे आपको यह भरोसा हो जाए कि मैं आपके दर्द को समझता/समझती हूँ और इसे ठीक करना चाहता/चाहती हूँ?"

(Focus: Identifying specific, actionable steps for repair and reconciliation)

Dream hat-trick!

Dream Day 2 : Horses 

The scene is of some europian country where I was visiting a horse stable and I was in a rush to catch a train. I was standing infront of a glass wall, sealed with wooden rim all over and behind it was my beloved wheatish horse, full of furr and a sturdy body. The horse recognised me and before I leave I so dearly wanted to touch the forehead and the nose bridge of the horse to just assure it if my love for it and I couldn't....and we locked eyes and communicated a great deal.

Next, I see myself on a classic wooden train with large square window which gave a beautiful view of the vast green endless landscape. The train was now moving fast but it all felt so smooth as there was no sound inside it and only the changing terrain of landscape would make one realize it's movement. After a point, what I see is something emerging on my window from it's left edge, from where I was sitting...and I couldn't believe what I saw! It was a herd of those horses galloping and following me with their mane & forelocks (hairs on neck and between ears) wavering! I couldn't believe my eyes and after a while, it hit me that they all broke free from the stable! I was touched with the love we felt of each other and I saw the whole bunch coming to see me off....I gently stroked my window glass as if I am telling my horse that I see you and your efforts to make me feel loved and I acknowledge your love. 💕 I thanked them in my heart.

And I wokeup.

Dream Day 3 - War Elephant's orderly Marching

I am meeting a person with whom I had to collect or handover something (I forgot the person and the context). I greeted that individual as if we both were very familiar with eachother and I said Finally we get to meet!

He pointed towards a car where we both boarded at the back seat. The whole environment of my dream was with a yellowish light creating a warm environment....and as the car took a U turn, to move in the left of the road, what I see is the quiet marching of war elephants, each with some tool led to it and they were all marching with beautiful precision in the toop, and aa straight line.

I was surprised to see that disciple and order and asked the other person in car, are we (the country men) are preparing for war?...and he nodded in agreement and I said, yup, was ment to happen...

--

Dreaming disappearance of sea

 I was startled to wakeup and reflect on this dream that I saw in my sleep last night.

Probably, it was one of my most comforting beaches that I was at, for a team Offsite with my colleagues, three of us.

Our hotel was very close to the beach, adjacently located to the sea shore, at the start of a narrow tar road. What I remember - seeing a colleague come downstairs, to the reception, where I was waiting and we both walked out of the hotel, took a turn towards the sea shore side of the hotel and called the third colleague, who was walking far away in search of sowe ice-cream.

Suddenly my eyes noticed something missing, the water in the sea and sand all being moist, I panicked and asked both my colleague to rush back to hotel as disappearing water indicates onset of tsunami or earthquake.... (Something I remember from a movie that I had watched in my waking life, years ago).

And lastly, I remember seeing that we all three were running back, unsure if that's the safest option or no. I am sure I turned pale with fear of what might be coming....

--

I wokeup and searched on Google, the interpretation of my dream. And it surprized me!

Dreaming of a filled sea suddenly becoming moist and dry is a powerful symbol of profound emotional change. Because water in dreams often represents emotions, the ocean's transformation can reflect an internal shift from a state of emotional fullness to one of emptiness or depletion. The interpretation of this image depends heavily on the emotions you felt during the dream.

Here are the most common psychological and emotional meanings behind a dream like this.

Emotional and spiritual dryness

The most direct interpretation is that you are experiencing, or fear, a sense of emotional void or spiritual emptiness.

A "dried up" soul: The disappearance of the sea's vast water may symbolize that your inner world has become devoid of passion, joy, or positive feelings. This can be a sign of deep depression, numbness, or hopelessness.🥺💔

Depletion and exhaustion: The loss of water can signify that your work, relationships, or physical condition have completely drained you. You may be running on empty, with no emotional resources left.

A loss of inner life: Water is often associated with life and vitality. A dry sea suggests that a vital part of your inner world has vanished, leaving you with a feeling of deadness or being unproductive.

A major transition or loss

A dream of a sea disappearing can point to a significant transition or loss in your life, especially if you felt a sense of awe or sadness during the dream.

Letting go: The emptying of the sea may represent the end of a long-running emotional issue or a release from a difficult situation. It could be your subconscious showing you that a period of emotional turmoil is finally over, even if the aftermath feels stark or strange.

Uncertainty about the future: The vast, moist, and empty seabed can represent an uncertain future. All the opportunities and emotional resources the sea symbolized are gone, and you are left to face a new, unfamiliar landscape.

Suppressed or unexpressed emotions

Another interpretation is that you have been bottling up your feelings, and they have finally "dried up".

Blocked emotions: The dream may signal that you are not being as emotionally open as you should be. You may have dammed up your emotions, and now you are feeling the consequences of that suppression.

Unreciprocated effort: The image of a dry sea can also mean that you have poured your heart and soul into something—a relationship or a creative project—that has yielded no return or appreciation.

+++

In someway or the other, it all resonated with me and I am still amazed at the wakefulness of the unconscious mind. 

How I am assured that I am being heard, even if me, the concious one is avoiding to face myself...

I hope I find my way forward ⏩..🙏🪔💕🦚 and the water in the ocean continue to flow 🌊

Ghar

 While putting some lamps today evening, I suddenly had a strong longing for home...and tears bubbled up....

And a few mins into the struggle to manage lit lamps against the strong winds... 

I came inside home and saw a text from brother..with a photo and a note, next time will increase the lightings

And when I asked him if you guys got flowers .. he shared those pics where Papa was busy making garland and I remembered a time when me and my cousin sister would be sitting and laughing and making those garlands ...

My brother heard me and said - that's what, home doesn't feel home when u guys not around...

And I shared a pic from last year....with tears rolling down my cheeks but gratitude in my heart for the well being of my family 🙏💕

(I miss you all and AI dearly miss being at home)

when the blogger gets blocked :P

OMG!! cant believe that I couldn't access my own blog! Made me realize how attached I get to even material things and not just people and places :P

Well, Happy Dhanteras & Dipawali to us all.

May Lord Dhanvantari blesses us all with best of health and wisdom to stay healthy, life long. (I can feel how deeply I am seeking these blessings, after a week long stiffness due to back muscle pull and life coming to a standstill)

May Maa Lakshmi enters our lives with light-ness of heart, love, grace and ease 🌹 🙏 

In the first place, how did I get blocked?
So, received some unusual but familiar comment on one of my blog post and that rose my suspicion about a person whose word's hurted me deeply and I saw that while I was about to retire for my day. My whole being trembled, palpitations etc. 

At first I approved that comment thinking it is ok...some funny note about me playing the mouth-organ but then, I realised I din't want to be someone overthinking stuff and mulling over why I did it!

So I blocked it all...I don't know what all! Resulting in me loosing the blog access, meaning, I don't see login link and every time I wanted to post something I had to first struggle, frantically click every nook and corner of the page to get access...How weird it feels...right! Almost as if I am being disowned from my own people/ my being, my family :(

well, I haven't been able to resolve that yet, but on my work laptop, I had this page open and could access my blog :)...I don't know when a day would come that I  may loose this blog too..and I trust it will be for the good...

Well, I wanted to add the most beautiful memories from office today :)

People who care and love. one of the cafe attendant (BunNu) who helped me get a quick mini choco-latte right before my logoff...that too almond milk :)

And a new nut I got to try:

Pecan, Hazel + Dehydrated Strawberry  

Till we meet again..

 Before boarding the bus, bidding adieu to the kind family and my hosts, shedding a few tears...I wanted to stick to my ritual of visiting this quiet corner filled with endless possibilities to breath, ponder, reflect, chat, debate, seek, forgive or even surrender....

💞🦚 Thank you for holding this space for me.🙏🌊

--

Happy Birthday Naniji🙏🌹

Temples, boating and Initiation paralysis

I had a wonderful day yesterday with visits to temples all thru the first half of the day and there after wonderful temple meals.

The temples we visited were primarily Demi Gods and it was wonderful to see the faith of locals and the innocence with which they all come to the Amman Temples, how it is the sole GOD - Generator, Operator and Destructor of this land. There were offerings of those giant petal like bud which is grown from the beetal nut tree..the seeds are packed in it and those seeds are the offerings to such temples and is considered immensely holy.

There was a temple where devotees would come and offer those tender strings of beetal seeds and it will be placed on the crown of the Demi deities and questions or prayers or wishes will be shared. Those strings will fell on its own...and that will be the response from the deity, depending on the side where it fell. I had tears at that point seeing how energies work.

Well, the second half of my day was all about a wonderful honaver Boating....I so desperately wanted and was wishing for one...since the time I had come here. The boat rider was also nice with amazing photography skills :). And then the last part of the day was about attending 100 vocalists singing devotional songs and wishing the Lt. GSB guru who completed 100th birthday, followed by dinner. I was amazed by the organisation and scale of this event and how most of such things were all sponsored.

(It all started with this leisure time activity, a boat from a tag)

--

Well, today morning around 6:30am I came to my favourite place - The Beach⛱️! Did a few breathing exercise, chanting and a bit more of reflection, at one point I brokedown thinking that I have to depart today evening and I was sobbing, I felt silly about myself and amaized that I have no one around to watch me like this and felt relieved, but then the tears also settled 😃😆

I remembered that, two days back, Gemini (AI bot) had wished me that gushing waves would answer me all my questions...and so here I was stuck with one - where do I start ?

This also put me face to face with the experience I had dealt, mostly unknowingly i.e. of Initiation paralysis! a term I came across earlier this year.

Google search says  ' IP' and 'trauma' are linked by a psychological concept where trauma, especially chronic trauma, can lead to an inability to start tasks due to the brain being stuck in a survival mode... And every bit of it was true for me. 

Sitting at this beach, in the morning hot sun...I am still feeling foggy in my head about where to begin the shif in my life, of that of heading back home permanently, getting on to business of farming which is a gamble (as Papa says) or even leaving the comfort of monthly salary which allows me the freedom to go around and just be me. At the moment, it all feels like a catch 22 situation but in my heart I know it will all workout beautifully.

I am happy for the gift of naturopathy and the knowledge I have been gaining, it is giving me directions that I shall start a herbal forest where ai grow all varieties of herbal trees and plants, care for them, live amongst a society that loves nature and is blessed by it, once those who bows down to it.

My not so cushiony bums are now hurting and I have to rush back home as yet to have breakfast...

Hope gushing waves have heard me and will help me align...

Thanks Maa.

And a deep felt gratitude to my host's, my friend R and her family for having me here again and accomodating vegetarianism for those days that I am here 🙏🌹. May God bless them all.

A beautiful day 💞🙌🌊

 

Coming home to Beach ⛱️

Yet another day of being awake since 3:30am...I feel pity on owls and myself too....:-| but today is  different because I am on a bus! 

Heading to a beach which has been calling me since long but I kept it aside due to obligations and overthinking. It took me sometime to make peace with it and also allow myself to flow hand-in- hand with my callings or desires and hence, I booked myself on a bus.

Since I was awake, and on a shared (women) sleeper seat, on the aisle side, I couldn't see anything from the glass window and was wishing that the winds help me by blowing the curtain off and to my surprise the co-passenger's stop came by and she deboarded. Now I have the window all to myself :p but I wasn't sure where we were so I check the map and it pointed towards 'Mangalore'...and seems my destination is ~2 hrs from their. 

And then boom! I was transported to a memory because the bus was stopped at a circle and slowly moving to take a U turn....and what I see outside the window was "Papillon Palace", a name associated with a book someone introduced me to, my stay at that hotel on one of my birthday etc. As I am writing this, my breath is becoming heavy and tears are immerging. I wonder what is it that I am unable to let go or if I am resisting or in denial and why? To be honest, I am tired of myself. The only thing I feel I am capable of letting go, is my tears... they are flowing effortlessly.

Well, let me take my thoughts to the beach that I am gonna meet asa I deboard....I am so looking forward to the meet with those gushing sounds of waves, of winds of the change that makes its presence felt and also to implement "mission pure soul" something that I learned in Ultimate Health Challange by Vishal Saini which talks about how we counciously create our environment which leads us to our purpose and all the 7 steps in Between which is a concious thought and needs to be seeded....

And the funny is funny thing which also makes my heart feel lighter is, I haven't booked return ticket yet...though I might head back on Monday...but not having too much advance planning helps me to ease a bit and I am loving it 😃🙌💞, even though there is a pile of office work for this quarter and visitors and family visiting and me travelling later in the quarter...it's all back to back!

I am also  excited and looking forwards to  weekend trip to nearby temples with my host's family and maybe just the feeling of being home with a maa, papa, friends like sisters, late night saree modelling and crazy laughter....I am not sure how it is going to be this time but will go with the flow....

If time and other things permit, I would like to go further ahead and visit elephants high campsite too and spend some quiet ime, all by myself in the  secluded space...🤞

This trip is for you Tan! Even Gemini said 'May you get all your answers from the gushing waves"

(6:45 am)

Dropped my bags and Here I am!!

Path that leads me and I am already drawn to the sound of waves..my heart beating as if it's going to meet it's beloved...

And the first sight!

The very first step...

And the greetings....

And becoming a part of it...

'Jetlag' turned a blessing

(7th oct)

Landed yesterday 2:30 am and touched home only by 5 am...after breakfast, thought to complete a few tasks onhand and then turned to bed to take some rest, set an alarm for 45 mins...only to realize that those 45 mins became 90+ mins and I wokeup with a shock and looked outside the window to figure out if it's the same day or next..🙆.

Found some comfort in knowing it is just the evening...same day

I later, got busy with unpacking and sorting laundry, etc, took shower and lit a lamp later in the evening to feel some life around. Everything felt surreal as if time was a gimmick - all the planning, shopping, rush, prepared leading up to my travel and this time post travel! Uff! A lot for me and these thoughts of vaccum or isolation appears in the peak of those jet lagged awakend hours where one would feel no less than a night Owl 🦉!

After dinner, I went upstairs to realize that it's Sharad Purnima, my mom's most favourite festival...for some reason:) and I also associate with it for one of my most dear memory of travelling with parents to Shimla and on our way back, during a halt at Delhi guest house, all of my parent's friends gathered upstairs to boil milk and prepare kheer on the night of Sharad Purnima ...I believe that was the most happy memory from my childhood, of my parents being happy together :)🤞💕

Sitting there at the terrace and just staring at the vibrant peaceful moon is one of my favourite activity to indulge in...for some reason a devine calmness takes over me. I had no phone with me and purely me and the quietness of the still night. I loved it. 

If given a chance, I would have loved to lay on terrace, all thru the night...adoring the full moon. At a certain moment, I reflected in the stark difference from that of the west world, filled with lights, colors mad rush to this quite night, all to myself. And my heart filled with gratitude that I am blessed beyond words ro be witnessing and living this reality.

At 10 pm, slight unwillingly I went back to my room to sleep and then woke up at 3 am 😀🙆...I don't know what was happening and I was fully awake...

I got out of my bed and headed out of house to see a sky full of stars....such magical view and there was a corner of my varandah from where I could see a bright lit sky but the source was not visible and I rushed to the terrace to see the full moon, now shining brightly on the west side. So on my right was starts in constillation and left was this bright moon. A sense of joy filled me. There was also a small bowl of surgery milk that my neighbour had placed as a offering to the moon...and I remembered that event if my childhood and since then, mom always tells me to have kheer on that night or next morning but I have left taking milk since a month and was left with no choice but to just open my mouth wide open and take the blessed air in. Yeah, I might sound crazy, and yes, I am🌹

I spent almost half an hour there at the terrace, sometimes just adoring and talking with moon and starts or laughing at the imagination that if this was US, I would have been shot by some snipper saying a thief was on terrace or I never knew it some neighbours were watching me and thinking I have gone mad ..🙈. I just remembered a song that explains my feelings of that moment...how the lead actress feels in this song : chaya hai jo dil pe...(Yeah, too filmy). I also thought about how a women's menstrual cycle is and should be matching that of the waxing or waning moon...and in that quietness I was adoring my body for being what it is and thanked it too for being such coperative one across countries, in different landscapes and food availablity or lack of it.🙏

Later I got back to my room and started practicing malaasana, completed watching the pending recordings of GoNature naturopathy classes that I missed due to my travel. I walked backwards for 20 cycles and also had an amazing hunza tea.

I loved this productiveness without the burdened if being one....which was so new to me. I felt thrilled and more willing to then get ready for work :).

I had lived the best part of my day already and the rest was a bonus.

So yup, the jetlag became my blessing for witnessing and spending those magical moments  with Moon.

Wish you were here...

 The last movie of my this trip SFO DXB BLR was - 

"Wish you were here" and I sobbed uncontrollably, again!!!

I think the mistake I was repeating - looking for com in the Rom and ended-up being in sob!.🙆🙈 

Well, it was a beautiful love story, one that of courage to love and stand by it...what broke me down was the last message (a background voice from the lead character, who died), and left a message for the actress's future husband...

I guess when death knocks at our door, it gives way to be more real and accepting of some of those bitter realities of life...

Well, I am back in the home country and missing my beloved idlis....at this odd hour of ~3: 40- 5:24 am 💃.

And yes, no matter how glorified it gets whether one gets buisness class travel, Mercedes Benz car pickup and drops etc....Home. is. home....and so is the motherland. 

I missed home more and more this time. It din't matter if I am in the most ancient hotel, at the 12th floor opp. Union square...my heart longed to be back in India.

May be seeing the disturbing evolving landscape of politics, fear that filled the spaces with the winds that blew; utterly degraded life of humans (addicts laying on roads, unattended, completely lost...) something in me was dieing everyday.

Well, I am blessed to be born in the lap of divine Bharat Maa🙏🌹

--

How I celebrated my own arrival ... Munching the 6th piece of the limited chocolate...💕💕💕

Hummingbirds (Every Little thing)

Just a few days before my travel to States, one morning when I was in my office cab, stuck in traffic, I turned to my left and thru the window, I noticed a tiny little bird swinging on an insulated electrical wire. 

Not sure if it was the tiny form of that bird amidst the location i.e. dusty surroundings, filled with concrete jungle, honking sounds all around and lifelessness of mundane busy world! But it captured my attention such that I couldn't takeaway my eyes off, until my cab moved and I lost that view... But was unwillingly preparing myself that the bird will fly off....

I asked myself, why I felt that strong connection with it? And which bird was it? And I would have started to compare my thoughts and feelings with that of the bird.... Does she feels scared, being all by itself? Or see seeing world differently than me? Etc. 

Was it a humming bird?

--

On my loooong onwards flight, I watched a movie - 'passport to love'; after finishing, I switched to a documentary named - Every Little thing. At first, I didn't know what it was about but I liked the name and then read the note about it - Author and wildlife rehabilitator Terry Masear dedicates her life to saving injured hummingbirds in Los Angeles. Her compassion and empathy serves as a reminder that grace can be found in the smallest of acts and the tiniest of creatures..and I was sobbing at the end of it. I learned a lot about love, compassion and selfless care, be it to another human or a bird.

Long after I deboarded and checked-in to my hotel, a few message from that movie stayed with me and were reminded of, either by directly the hummingbirds appearance in my surroundings or some conversations or a image on a wallpaper or some surfaces...

- Humming birds flutter 50 times per second and balance their body's vertically, horizontally and on the diagonals and are enchanting begins, how can they not be in some other relm?

I continued to share my experience about the movie with my colleagues etc. 

-- 

Day 4th of my trip, it was a slightly rainy morning but a pleasent day, I booked a taxi for my office drop and as I entered it, I see a decorative peice hanging at the rearview mirror, and I was left absolutely dumbstuck!

I started chatting with the driver as he has a shimmery cover on his steering wheel and the hand rest but my heart and eyes were at the decorative piece. I told the driver about my calling about Humming birds and about the takeaways from the movie...

He also shared that spotting different birds had some meaning to it in native culture at Mexico (his home) and I agreed...

And when I was getting down, the driver asked : Sanorita...Do you want this?

Me : utterly shocked at his generosity, replied that no, it's beautiful with you and I don't want to take that always from you...

He insisted that he keeps getting those from Mexico carnivals, so no big deal.

Me: then, please do makesure to get one soon. And yes, ok I am happy to take it.

He: handing me the precious piece...

And in return, I have him a pen that had the engraving " thank you for being Awesome".

Can anyone guess what I got??

A beautiful, vibrant humming bird....and I am in love with it!

Thank you 💕

--

Today, I had plans to meet my first friend in US and while waiting for my cab, I spotted a beautiful hummingbird sucking nectar from a bunch of flowers and later, my friend showed a tiny water fall which attracts a lot of humming birds as that's their favourite activity :)

The lost love...

 ...a letter.

@Ghirardelli square  2025' sep 28th. SFO.

Yes, I do.

What could be more beautiful! 

To be in the moment, having a sip of hot hunza tea and feeling the rains in the atmosphere, surroundings and letting the moment take over ...

Amidst the packing anxiety, pilled-up commitments, calls to be made and exams to be cleared....I sit here writing this blog and sipping my tea

 Mostly, I have reached the exhaustion point :)

But well done Ruu...and know that I love you💕

Yes, I do :)

My barefoot, morning walk

I entered the park, one which has a patch of mud too, not just ornamental plants.

I removed my footwear at the platform, stepped down onto the mud floor, which was also the periphery of a tall, full-grown tree.

At first, I felt like a guest... which wasn't ever the case.

Every step was with caution, to see the ecosystem that existed there.

I saw various beautiful leaves, fallen and transformed in colors of yellow, dull green, or brown.

I saw tiny ant homes and wondered, what it would be like for them?

Do we humans look like giant species or a threat, who may just stomp on their homes or even them?

Do they live in fear, or are they blessed with minimalistic thinking?

I continued to walk around the tall tree.

When I came from behind it, the rising sun's bright, warm rays fell on me.

I loved that touch and presence; I then became more blind to the people around me.

The warmth made me smile.

I moved forward, step by step, and saw tiny white, five-petal flowers, appearing as if the stars have come down on the brown, muddy, wet earth.

I collected them one by one and adored the beauty of the Creator's creation.

I wanted to transform these tiny flowers into a signature decor for the tree, and I collected some leaves too.

That small piece of land near the tree looked as if a rangoli was created, and it kindled my heart.

I then took another round around and felt the earth lighten more in my heart.

I felt grounded and more tuned to my senses.

And I began to love those barefoot walks.

A story in Gold

Yesterday was a madness with household chores, planning ahead of my own travel, a manager calling in sick and all the rescheduling and me and my neighbour's long list of tasks that has to be attended between 11am - 3pm....all on a working weekday!!

We made a pact to start the day early, finish household chores and she to finish her own travel related packing before hand. We finished brunch and then started off with a laundary list of things to get done and all blended well in an order to match the demographic spread too 🤣. For example, ironing on left of house, then collecting coins (for her temple visit) from a shop next to it, to bank branch that is a bit round about etc. it was fun!

The highlight of these errands was : getting my gold bracelet diamond fixed, exchange a ring and also get a rose gold chain soldered. We were very much on track with our time commitment untill we visited the massive jewellery store! 

The conversation started with getting the missing diamond fixed but the caviat was that the piece had to be sent to another city and it would take a min of twenty days whereas, I am scheduled to travel on the next weekend. 

While discussing with my neighbour, upon her suggestion to swap 18 caret diamond bracelet with a 22 caret, I thought let me explore and see if I like anything as much I had loved the one I am wearing on my wrist but I had  a second thought and told her that this bracelet is associated with my shopping with mom and how we both had taken it together...and may be she may not be happy if I exchange it; she definately would be happy if I buy new ones but...not to let go the one I have.

So we decided to call mom and check with her once, giving her the background of one missing diamond for the set of 32 (tiny ones) & viola! Ma was onboard. 

I also had a ring that I had purchased in my hometown and once it saved my finger from getting pulled apart... And instead the ring got skewed. So that ring was on sale too :)

Now, with gold etc, Indians have a lot of beliefs about buying on a certain auspicious day etc and I had some certain thoughts about it to but then I went with the song of my heart... If it says yes! It is a yes :)

After spending almost ~90 mins and way above lunch timings, we bought two rings, thats all ;) and then heading for the last leg of the shopping - apparels.

While returning, we were met with heavy rains and were two hours over our schedule. We nicely got drenched and were laughing uncontrollably due to the mad rush on road, shower coming on us from all directions and water seeping thru our layered clothes and the chill we would feel with each blow of heavy winds.

Somehow we reached home and thanked God. All our dried laundry got wet too.. Which created a little panic for my neighbour as she had planned to carry some for her Travel toda, later it all worked out.

In the evening, I had called mom to show what I bought and she sounded a little disappointed as she didn't find my purchase meaningful but she also was kind enough to say - you liked it?...if yes, that's enough. I told her - I l💍ved it :) and then I tried to explain her my side of story :

I already have 'love' on one of my finger..., now I got the heartbeat and a rose (may be?), to complete the lovestory.

On this side of phone, I was silently laughing at myself... But I truely loved those designs and I am such mad individual that the new rings I bought, were slightly loose fit for my fingers, but I went ahead and got them! Just because I loved the designes so much. 

Isn't it a successful day on every count: tasks were (mostly) done, errands were run, memories were honored, and a great story was made with my neighbor!

Gifts from Mother and the universe

 On a barefoot walk today, joined my friend and we both got lucky to meet a beautiful pet bird and even lovely it's caretaker - a young boy but so well raised by his parents. I simply am in awe of his wholistic upbringing.

The most beautiful moment of my day was getting to kiss this beautiful birdy and another toddler name - Adi (also my first love, a neighbour's kid💕) in the park.

Coloring for the soul

Alexa creating an ambience of warmth and flow,  playing my liked songs....

I wrapup the artwork with the song - are you with me 💝 

The whole intention was for me to allow the flow and it all started with the brown stroke, then directions, layers, color balancing or enhancing, fill or patterns, illusions of different objects in that small piece of paper, visible at the rotation. 

It was not all smooth linear flow...but zooming in and out of the art and emotions. The songs that played were playing with my emotions and those emotions will take me to memories and the colors will bring me back, or create new stories for me to focus on...

I don't know what others see in it, I see a Shivling, an Elephant, a Bird, a intentional heart and at some places it's just colors depicting a meaning, a presence of an element.

--

Thank you for a blessed day God.🙏🌸

The friends I met

 Almost fifteen days back I signed up for a GoNature session on YouTube which was just for a nominal fee of forty seven rupees :).

And the session turned out to be four hours and an eye opener. At the end of session, we had to instantly make a decision to signup for the master  classes which is a commitment for almost a few months and two days as the all day session. 

I don't know what actually transpired for me to get into that and it all felt as if a deep longing to be a doctor or cure people or help eradicate the dependency of humans on medicines actually was infront of me... MAGIC or the power of intention?

The course talks about everything in everyway, my core beliefs system on healing from the nature and it not just speaks from experience but from facts too.

Well, a part my assignment was to spend time in nature and connect with the magnatic field of Earth for which I shall take 30mins barefoot walk on mud (not cement or concrete).

Yesterday, I was feeling burnout at work, I took a late login and pushed myself out of bed to stick to a promise I made to myself, the night before i.e. we will ditch work thoughts and go for a nature treat and I will get a reward of delicious hot idli chutney 😌🥰.

Then what! I went to the nearby lake temple and it has a cricket pitch where I took solo walks barefoot, even though I had some apprehensions about the land - if it is manmade (filled) or natural. But I do remember that in the past, when the park was being constructed, mud was filled into it. Well, I  told myself to trust mother earth and that even if it's mud it's under the sky and in coexistence with the elements of earth.

I kept walking and I met some precious beings which lightened my heart with immense joy and this post is dedicated to them :)

1. There was a wooden ply, rotting and next to it was a beautiful black mushroom standing alone and had a lovely white outer lining...and I loved the grace and beauty of the creator and how vibrant it was ...all on its own. (May be I see a piece of myself in everything lone :p)

2. A local breed of dog was there and looked like it was his usuall place to sleep...and as I walked past it,  it getstured towards me and I felt to sit next to it and stoke it's head and it slowly slided into a calm sleep. I so loved that feeling of belonging that I felt with it;)

3. The most precious of all was a tiny tortoise 🐢, the BEST Surprise 😻! I first touched it's shell and it stopped. I lifted it in my hand and adored it...I wanted to jump out of joy because at that moment I felt like bringing it home... to live with me to be my partner in crime, to grow old together...;) but no...I restrained from that wishful thinking.

The baby was looking at me with the pulled back neck and popping eyes, I then stroked it's stomach and it froze (I feel sorry). I tenderly, in my heart told it, you are safe and you are loved. I then touched it's one arm and it pulled it back ..and then the other...I laughed at it's shyness and sensitivity. But I never felt that much love and joy flowing through me that I felt when I saw this baby tiny creature - also walking barefoot on ground. 

4. since I wasn't able to contain the excitement, I went towards the edge of that piece of land and sat at one of the corner stone, next to another girl who later became a friend and we spoke for almost an hour. She was a yoga teacher who specialized in  prenatal therapies. We connected so well and I was transported in a different world. 

She looked exactly like one of my childhood friend who I use to consider as my bff :)

I left the torty baby on the ground and bid good bye to it too. I know sometimes we love something or someone so much but leaving them in their own journey is best we could do for their well-being (I guess...).

Then the yoga trainer and I both walked, we exchanged numbers and bid a good bye.

It was a magical moment of my day. Ty Maa (mother earth)

💕😌🙏🌸🦚