Codependency

I wokeup a bit tired and still sleepy. Thought, maybe some powerful inner child affirmations might help but then I wasn't paying attention, my body was too lazy or unwilling....

A few mins later, I had the neighbour who stopped- by at the window as she and I both were waiting for the garbage collector to come. I spoke (or say was the sound board for her) and then told her that will take a nap before the van comes. I then looked for some other video on YouTube, I came across "How to heal from codependency", in my curiosity to first get an understanding of what is it? 

All this while, I had a different and very surface- level understanding of the word codependency and partly, I thought it's also being clingy towards a person thing etc and noticed that I have been very self-critical, even after nor fully knowing what it means and if or not it is applicable to me.

Well, one who hasn't know what it is to feel safe pschyically or emotionally, would rather be hiper vigilant or self-critical and I know where I stand today; with all the experiences that I called in my life so far. 

After listening to the Audio, I gained not just understanding but also a sense of strong resonance with my own behaviour.

If I would rate myself with codependency, I would say I am not so bad but the next moment I wonder, is it so? Is it why I have isolated myself from any social circle? People, friends, or even families?. I do not think I can even fit anywhere and hence for one or the other reason, keep myself engaged in some or the other work or because I am too fearful of the dynamics of social circles, the load of emotional expectations, the words that the world, especially women uses to belittle the other....weighs heavy-a-load and I acknowledge that I am fearful of it all... It hurts me more than I can take. 

After the video, nothing changed for me, I mean the state of my being. I was feeling too lethargic, probably late sleep and emotional exhaustion.

I took charge of my day and did fifteen minutes of yoga stretches, showered and prepared some Sweet for "Ram Navmi" (my way of feeling belonged and not so Useless). My neighbour had prepared breakfast for me and it was my brunch. I went to sleep or tried to, but was too anxious and agitated. I played harivarsanam on alexa, thinking it's soothing music and warm music will have calming effect on me but everything was in wane. 

I then got up and again ate some spicy and tangy bhelpuri with home grown Tomatoes, in it. I was laying here and there in the hall or sometimes in the other room.

One thing that I keep wondering and reflecting on was : "Betrayal isn't anything, anyone can do to the other...unless one Himself/ Herself is betraying the self".  That self-betrayal can be as insignificant as choosing career path which never aligned with the core calling, always letting others walk-over you, especially taken for granted and disrespecd, over and again, in the false hope and confidence that the other would change. But nothing changes unless the core shifts... whether willingly or unwillingly.

I am not sure where this topic is headed now, but the only thing I have realised that worked for me is to take the necessary action in the direction of change to be the change I seek. 

I know most of my days feels like vaccum and hopeless (ok, not so much, I have great immunity 💪) but I do think the time has come to move into the unknown, for one more time... To find who I am, what I feel belonged to or enjoy being, or love living like..

I do not know where to begin or if I have already started the journey, this is going to be a constant push and pull, of self judgment and criticism, of  back and forth of decisions or directions. Somedays can also be 'nothing' but do I allow and accept it? As it? Or do I panic and get agitated? Will I let the burning questions be unanswered and make peace with the flow of life, do I even have a choice, what guarantee can I hold for myself that I will not look back, trying to find my fault or mistaking the clues life was giving me?..

Whatever it is...let me take a moment of gratitude to wrap the day. I am deeply and truly greatful for :

1.  Maa - Papa and the whole loving and caring family.

2. Loving neighbours

3. Time I took to attend to me and act, engage in activities or events to ease my being... took a long ride, visited three temples, did one hour of beads chanting at a Iskon temple, visited ex-neighbour over tea and wished her Belated Birthday.

4. This blog and time I get to be me in the rawest of my form. 

5. All the joy I find in striking the tasks on my ro-do lists

6. The weather, winds, and walk around the lake temple.

7. Life, so far and the way I have evolved and finding was in my being with each passing day.

8. The paycheck tayt gives me the freedom to buy gifts and pamper self and dear ones

9. The depth of emotional sensitivity and me time to consciously let go and heal

10. For everyday magic...People, sky, knowledge, loging and belonging, books and willingness to learn.

Ty God for everything that you have provided for and looked after me 🌸🙏 

A Death vs Deaths - The aloofness

While I had picked up my phone to publish another blog post, one with a pending topic, my thoughts pulled me back to an event or say series of tragedies that shook me and also left me numb....but that was a month back.

 Other than the usual emotional rollercoaster that I  go thru or while living my day as it comes....I knew there was something I hadn't acknowledged deep within and I was being directed towards it.

It was not just the demise of a friend's father that day, but also my distant cousin who was the only one I had known in this new city (then, ~18 years ago), one who had taken me on numerous rides to hunt for a hostel for me, to introduce me to the local food, culture, to be my one point of contact when I had known non..etc. 

And the same day, a colleague of mine lost her younger brother, the most loved one, one amongst three daughters. Her and her parents' plight was unthinkable for me....more so because a few days back, while taking a walk in office campus, we both discussed about her brother's addmission in to a hospital in Chennai, for Pneumonia and that she might have to travel. I remember she did mention that the condition wasn't life threatening, especially for a person not into smoking or alcohol etc.

I feel silly for writing all this here but, I have to, because the day when all these stuff happened, I was in my hometown. The reality of my external surroundings then was way different than what I was feeling deep within, also because there wasn't anyone directly and this deeply impacted and I was mindful of the short period of my visit.

As I am writing, I can feel the heaviness in my chest. Infact last week, I met my colleague and spoke to her, spent as much time with her so that she feels ok to be back in office....(I am sobbing in my body...my breath is talking here).

I also forced myself, last Monday, to go and visit my distant relative's wife too and her twin grandchildren's (a boy and a girl). I took an auto and for some reason tye auto took the same lanes I had arrived at, many years back, and those were also the lanes that I had searched for my hostel with bhaiya.... the memories came flashing back at me and I felt my eyes filled with tears, my chest feeling heavy with overwhelm and fear of how will I face Bhabhi....I hadn't met them since long. Nor was I around when she would have needed me the most. I took deep breaths and took a pause and asked me what is deeply bothering me and once I had my answer, I was in my natural state of being.

 At their apartment, I spent a lot of time discussing my brother (distant relative) who passed away, his daughter's last trimester of pregnancy and her battle with depression, how she had to deliver the kids prematurely due to some complications....

I also spoke to Bhabhi (now widowed)...and heard her cry, talk, miss her husband, feel guilt of being the one left behind, of having to spend the rest of her life without her husband and also as the only one for the new borns, how she has wished to see her husband - again become kids with his grandchildren's and play.

Infact, this morning, I also met my friend whose father had passed away same time, last month and today, while we were sitting at a bench near temple premises and were talking, I looked into his eyes and asked him, For the very first time, feeling genuinely concerned - 'how are you?'..do you miss your Dad? With what all does the memories of him surfaces back?

As I was listening to him, I was struggling to hold back my tears....may be I never took this time to settle with the news from all those people, with my own association with them or theirs....

A weired vaccum or numbness had engulfed me. I was more like a stone being brushed with the breeze of time but I was aloof...

(I was sitting right opposite to this chariot while my friend and I were talking...my ears were listening but heart found ease in this beautiful and meaningful carved peice)...

Later, I took three rounds staring at this chariot ❣️🙏

.still in awe...

Non-seasonal showers

Non-seasonal showers washed the dust that was settled in layers, on those innocent leaves. As the car took a swift turn, so did my eyes; and thru the window pane, I could only see those lush green trees and bright flowers. A sense of renewed energy rushed within me...

As if, it wasn't just trees, my soul was cleaned off.

This time, it was different, I was noticing the built of the trees, how the rain water was slowly sliding down a variety of trunks, height or built shapes of the trees. Those trees never looked this vibrant and alive .. eventually the office campus too felt entirely different to me, something like never before!

 The rain water made them all look cleaned; giving them a straight out of a spa look?. Yet, some part of those trees stayed untouched and raw.

I was surprised by the fact that the permaculture training I took, has started to sprout the curiosity and changed perception of the surroundings...

From my mood, the response instinct, to the happiness quotient, or willingness to learn and work on myself deepened.

I wanted to get creative and click many pictures and capture the freshness, while on an evening walk....

(@campus, from a moving car. thru the droplet covered glass of the car)

(From my evening walk 💝)

Starting the day on a creative note

 

Had decided, will start my day with painting a card..

The start wasn't exactly the same owing to morning reflections, thoughts, then some inner child healing guided meditation which made me doze-off a few times, in between.

Then altering a loose fitting kurti using a niddle and thread.

Attending the daily chores like giving the dry and wet waste to the garbage collector, watering plants, brushing the teeth, having two glasses of water, chitchat with neighbours 😄, yes the talk has to happen from window, as soon as she wakes up., while we both wait for the garbage van. Today I had a tiny guest, neighbour's kid stopping by and we had a fun banter for a few mins, sitting at the staircase in the balcony 💕

Later, I kept aside all the voices in my head about work, life, and told myself - "You can Do it, Love😘. (Shed the burden and stigma of a Procrastinator....)

And finally, I did it!

And I know how those imagery boundaries held one so tight and I am slowly learning to loosen it one act at a time...

The Life List!

A day amidst the dense cloud of thoughts, of longing, of poetry emerging while bathing, of a breakfast with a friend followed by an ugly fight, screams and bursting of pent-up anger, of running away, of breathing heavy and deep, of hurting the other (emotionally) because I haven't taken the time to make peace or face my own hurts.... of bottling-up feelings and thoughts or say locking them as the time was never right or I never felt the need to prioritize myself or my ease; A day of -  so called call-off and riding back with tears being dried by the winds racing against the direction of bike....of finding solace at an isolated hilly corner of the nearby temple surroundings...(my safe space), of letting the flood of tears out...of shedding the heaviness in heart... 

And then, the temple bells and drums started to play and I was uplifted in my spirits, this time I din't feel guilty of being whatever I was a few minutes back and the rhythmic sound in the surroundings pulled-me in peace. 

I had to break the flow as was in a rush for nature's call (yeah...not all is fancy or fictional like any 'happily ever after' movies).

On my way back, I saw a few colorful roses at a roadside flower shop i.e. just a table and chair. An elderly lady sitting and hand weaving some garlands of white jasmine buds and on the table was an old, used paint-bucket filled half with water and a bunch of  roses of various colors i.e Pink, baby pink, yellow, dark pink and even blood red or maroon ones, dipped in. I parked my two wheeler on one side of the road and purchase four roses - two pink ones, a dark pink and one blood red colored one from the lady. As it was Ugadi, she was clad in a beautiful light copper colored saree with a thin golden border and her salt-pepper hairs were tied loosely as they were wet and had a small white garland (gajra) tucked in, she also had a sandalwood bindi on her forehead. Such beauty and grace clad around traditions and culture always makes me curious as to how they do it all and what keeps them going, is it the memory or love of the family being experienced thru these traditions? 

At a few steps, there was a vegetable and a fruit's vendor, I picked-up a few veggies and few Elakki bananas from there too. My mood shifted gears i.e. from sobbing my heart out in a corner to being deeply happy after seeing those flowers and taking that effort to purchase them for myself (not offering at the temple..in my heart I gave a flying bow to the God & I am sure he would understand.)

Finally, I reached back home with my scooter (which was away for months or probably an year, with my friend). The feeling of it being back, parking it in the house gave me a slight sense of freedom, may be I was slowly addicted to it's presence in my life as one of my companion, not just for jolly rides but also when I need a healing, to ride to a space where I can breath-in effortlessly, to isolate and hide away from the world or just finish all my mundane tasks.

At home, I wanted to head straight for a shower - my grey embroidered top was soaked in tears and the wiped running nose 🙈...Yes, I DON'T CARE! but then, first things first, I had to visit loo. 

In the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my eyes have got red and puffy. Seeing the messy house, I had to roll my sleeves and get messy to organize it but before that I latched the main door so that I can hide my puffy face from neighbors who definitely would walk-in anytime...especially with loads of festival food...in-fact, I was suppose to have my breakfast with them but I skipped. 

I took a few mins pause and decided the order of pending items to close. 1) Check if ironing shop is open > If yes, wrap the folded clothes and walk-up to the shop to deliver it, 2) Start with handwashing the soaked clothes & Bedsheet, on the washing stone on terrace so that the clothes can soak-up enough sunlight while drying ...(and maybe brighten my being too :P), 3) Dusting, broom-ing and mopping the house 4) organizing my kitchen a bit 5) Take shower and again finish washing the last set of worn clothes.... 6) Lit the lamp with bananas as offerings 7) Changing bed Linen 7) Get to the pending Permaculture online training  (had a very ambitious target of closing 46 hrs of training by the 1st quarter, say these three days of, time off-work..:()

In between, I got many messages from neighbour's to have either breakfast or lunch together. I told her I am full and will take when I am starving...but that was a plain lie and I was just not willing to meet anyone with my puffy eye and face.  

From the listed order or chores, In between 6th & 7th, my 1st floor neighbor came to return my vessels with traditional sweet (obuttu/ Holige) & some dal vadas (my favourite, from her kitchen). I gave her a handful of my snack - cut banana topped with Gulkand & dry coconut, which I was munching after shower and had paused when I remembered to wash my mouth and lit lamp first, after all this is the Hindu New year (and I never know what and when God may take something personal or against me...). I made a story for my neighbor that I was feeling exhausted and sleepy and was about to take a nap. She then quickly left but I actually was exhausted and slept off for few hours..or was in some weird mental haze, probably the psychical and mental exhaustion plus, the heavy festival food.

While on bed, I picked-up my phone to write a few lines that was emerging while I was bathing and once a space is cleared, deeper layers of thoughts surfaces, I remembered a few instances from my days last week, where I wanted to write about - who I am?, my likings, the bottled-up anger and triggers after knowing more about the fact of certain truth of one's life and the deep hollowness I feel when I seek Mom's understanding towards me or my words or feelings or just for the sake of a Mother-daughter bond but every time, I fell on my face all over again. It breaks my heart and my heart keep searching that space in every one I meet, consciously or unconsciously. 

Then, after a good long nap and an approx ~45 minutes of Permaculture session, learning a few interesting facts about permaculture design systems, how the flow of water is always 90 degrees to the contours, about tropical lines and hemisphere...I felt a little bit excited and wondered that all these stuff that I studied in my school days are now making sense and the concepts are crystal clear. Probably, back then I never knew the bigger picture of the knowledge being imparted to us kids.

Towards, the evening, I opened my door and neighbours's came flooding-in from all floors, with tons of festive food for me, some of which I had to store for tomorrow and I felt immensely blessed. 

Later, I had a call with Mom and I shared with her the thief saga from yesterday; the thief visited three houses in our colony and stole few stuff and how we ran behind him, plus how he was so kind to shift my  washed bedsheet, drying on terrace to a clothes line before taking the aluminum rods underneath the bedsheet :D. Mom and I had a hearty laugh on call.....I miss such lighter moments with her and this lightheartedness of her touches my heart. I get tears at times, just for the longing of such comfort with her.

And now coming to the topic of Movies and the only reason why I got here...jotting this blog...In my sombre mode, I stumbled upon a netflix movie - 'The Life List' and seeing a scene where, the elderly mother of three, snuggles with her youngest dear daughter while having a heart to heart conversation...My tender heart wondered if there exits something of that sort or is it just movies because the last time I was home, I tried to hold my mom in my embrace, she felt lean to me, as if shrunken, but she couldn't let herself be, she experienced discomfort....and I know, probably she never experience such language of love. 🥹

And then, my next door neighbour sisters came with some tea and more sweets and food, Plus one of their plastic trunk which is a makeshift arrangement as a closet of clothes to discuss and decide on the clothes for her upcoming biz trip to Hyderabad. 

Not to mention, towards the evening, I reached-out to my friend who is also grieving his father's demise and stated that probably none of us are in right emotional state to be kind or understanding to each other and need to take a break. My heart felt lighter..not for this but after the fight (i get to empty myself and my thoughts bothering me :P...Sorry )

......

And now, I am off to the movie...and hopefully should be able to complete it tonight...I mean before I sleep. 

......

Well, not me but the roses slept off ...

कागज़ ने पूछा कलम से

कागज़ ने पूछा कलम से - 

कैसे मान लूं कि, 

ये तुम्हारे लिखे शब्द, सच्चे हैं?

              कलम ठहरी,

              सर उठाया, और कागज़ से कहा - 

              मैं रंगों की मोहताज नहीं;

              जब कभी कोई स्याही खारी लगे....

समझ लेना हर शब्द रूह से निकला हैं

भावनाओं से सींचा हैं।

💝✍️

Clicks and calmness

 

Unusual...

Mindfulness 💕. Thirty mins that I spent in crafting this tiny paper flower and bouquet made me feel immensely at ease and happy. 😊 

Self Soothing

The more I get hurt, the more I am forced to look deeper and find the root cause, the trigger/s or mere flow of life towards which my understanding and acceptance was different, but in a familiar way i.e. one that would re-affirm the deeper beliefs I held deeper than my existence on earth.

Firstly, I shall confess that it is extremely hard for me to engage in such a self talk and I would rather go around the world (in my mind) seeking solace but for sitting with self and asking the questions that will make me uncomfortable but, in turn will heal me and bring ease. 

In Indian traditions, at any auspicious occassion, Hindus break coconuts; at my level, such auspiciousness begins with me sobbing...as if the limits of bearing the overwhelming feelings, self-criticism, dismissal from those who are mine, the burden of the past that I carry etc has all reached the threshold and my being is crying as if that's the only peaceful release I have had known.

Yes, there are better, more productive ways of releasing the bottled-up feelings but I must confess! I am addicted to Crying! Or sobbing till I exhaust and fell asleep, or feel that my breath has gone back to the normal rhythm.

The process of self-reflection started with asking a intentional question to self, in a softer, more compassionate tone (something, I have to practice hard) - What is it troubling you Tan? Why are you feeling this deep hurt? 

It's so funny how this effort of self Soothing tone and love spoke to me, it made me feel calm and for the first time, I was attentive to my own self and wasn't just going on an autopilot mode...

I allowed myself to reflect, go over every event that triggered me, be it Dad's rejected comment on a small task where I gave a shirt for ironing (only to save him some time, so that he can spend that undivided time with me) or Mom's casual dismissal at every point I make or we having a regular conversation. I also carried the heaviness of feeling 'failed', in all my attempts to crease out basic gaps or misunderstandings with family, rather I was considered as an outsider, barging into the hard walls of insecurities and I was asked to keep mum. In addition, the unresolved traumas that I carry where I feel I was betrayed, was violated and was damaged, all in the name of Love and friendship. My being felt lost and shattered.

I don't know about others, but for me, when a girl is violated or taken advantage of...it cuts her deeper than any physical wound can ever, her whole being and her existence become a living question. Mostly, because a girl's upbringing, especially in an Indian household, she is protected, nurtured and taught that shamefulness is a part of her and the weight of public morality lays heavy on her...

What happens when a violation or betrayal is planned and is in turn blamed or turned towards that girl and would be told that she agreed to go along...

She looses, looses not just faith in people - she once considered close that she could lay her soul bare, but then, she looses herself. Every breath of her, every act of her, every word she speaks or be like, she thinks it all twice. She looses self confidence because at the level of her surrender, there was this last step of trust and unspoken agreement that she would be walked hand in hand, thru the path of life, and will be respected and cared for and would be supported at events where she may be very naive or would be talked thru, may be that was my wishful thinking or an oversight in terms of knowing people.

Or maybe that was all too heavy-a-load of expectations on the other...or just my fate.

Such underlying struggle, shame, especially when one looks into the eye of a dear one and know this truth deep within tayt they failed them too; on a day-to-day basis weighs extremely heavy and it gets emotionally and physically exhausting to be able to engage in living a life meaningfully or with ease. 

On one hand, one tries various support system, simultaneously work regularly on self, untie one thread at a time, one emotion at a time, one shame at a time, one trigger at a time...unlocking the knots that tightens the soul.

But a small gust of life's events or people's behaviour can put it all to waste.

This is also the time one is most vulnerable, smallest of ignorance or attitude of people one engages with, hurts deeper and resets the course of healing.

On other hand, I feel I have lost that sense of what is acceptable boundaries for myself with others  and what is not or with whom do we held those boundaries and at times or mostly end up hurting the ones who cared for me. 

I use to meet everyone with an open heart but now, I overthink and stay aloof and isolated as much possible because I am tired of fixing or dealing with this constant overwhelme. I go blank. If relationships, even so called friendships are failing I would ignore the fact and be quick to let go and forget any disagreements and move along untill I realize, I have been taken for granted or being taken advantage off, all over again... probably that's what I am deserving off.

I would be made to feel like an option and I would agree to that and accept it. Because that is what makes me feel that I belonged...less judgmental towards self, more agreeing to not have to go thru self doubts etc.

This leads me to another biggest factor of hurt and sadness - Validations. The validations I seek from my own people, complete strangers or those who have known me a bit because it all deeply matters to me and I unknowingly spend a considerable amount of time just seeking it, at first it was all unknowingly. And I would just beat myself-up in the end.

बिन दिशा की राह 🌸

 उस सफेद सिरहाने से लगकर, 

खिड़की से दिखती रोशन रात मे सिमटकर

सिसक सिसक कर, थोड़ा हम रो लिए 

कुछ आंसुओ को अकेले में, हम जी लिए 

गम न था किसी बात का कोई ...

पर हर तरफ बिखरे दिल के घाव थे... 

जैसे चली ट्रैन ...

मानो खुल गया कोई वो भरता हुआ घाव 

जो बना था शायद - 

कुछ यादों से, नकारे वादों से, नापाक इरादों से, या बस जिंदगी कि लिखी लकीरों से...

ट्रेन के चलने से लगा

जिंदगी चल पड़ी है किसी दिशा में...

छोड़ के बीते रिश्तों को, बातों को, यादों को या याद दिलाने वाले ख्वाबों को...

काश...चलते रहेँ यू ही हम, बिन दिशा के, बिन आस के,

शायद अनजानी राहें, मिलवा दे मेरे मन को उस विश्वास से,

' जिंदगी' जीने के, बे झिझक उस अंदाज से।

Gratitude washes away the heaviness of emotional heart

So, yes, I am feeling emotionally exhausted and sitting here at the railway station, waiting for my train which is running late by four hours thirty minutes. I've shed a few tear drops for the suffocation I feel from taking on too much emotionally, and for the events that I am not capable of understanding nor accepting them as they are. Sometimes, I don't know where to begin to fix things.

I find myself totally isolated and lone. 

At times, it's also the yearning to be near my own people, when I could take time away from work and be with them. But they have distanced themselves or are filled deep with deep resentments which doesn't allow them to experience ease, love, trust or even be in the now....their whole being is filled with anxiety, self imposed compulsions, burdened with the unspoken expectations and conditioning...which has turned into bitterness. 

I can feel deeply how much my heart, in it's core wants to scream, let it all out and take a break from my own self for a while. But definitely one cannot take this liberty to be able to scream with family being around else they will declare me mad and disown me...ha ha ha.

Well, It has been long since I sat with myself to jot a few lines of gratitude and as always, here I am...(Yup those heart touching voice and lyrics..💕)

Today I am truly and deeply greatful for :

1. All the episodes of crazy laughter due to one mistake of mine... turning the toggle switch on, on the train app (whereismytrain) to 'inside the train' while tracking the live status of my train from my home. The app showed that my train has reached my boarding station, catching my phone signal; whereas, a minute back it was 3 hours away. 

This change in toggle switch changed the pace and environment around. It was around 4:30 pm and we (Mom, aunt and myself) were all in the kitchen for our evening Tea and how one switch made my aunt take a cup of tea in a quarter size plate to cool it down, Mom started to pack my tiffin whereas I began to dump all the scattered items on my bed into the suitcase, mom on other hand was also on a call with a auto driver, asking him if he knows train has arrived 😃 

Later I realise that the app is taking my current location and the train has got further delayed by a few hours. Thank God. 

(But one thing I realised, the pain of missing a train is more as compared to boarding a delayed one...delayed with dynamic frequency of time 😂

And secondly, Mom's will be Mom's ...have no training in handling any sort of such emergency rather Food is the only thing that matters when it comes to their kids 🫢. With the choices they both made to enable me to be able to reach train station on time was absolutely around food 🥑)

2. The chance to visit a nearby temple (Nav Chandi and Shiv temple) and attend the evening Aarti. Best part was the loud drum-beats which made my heart release some emotional heaviness as the sound resonated on my chest area and I felt as if the desire to scream was satisfied... without actually screaming. 

3. Maa-Papa, Badimummy x २, Bade papa and all of their love and heart in me...how much they all care and look after me... irrespective of whatever misfit I may be..their affection motivates me to leave behind the hurts or shame I carry (deep within) and aspire to bring some happiness back at them, acknowledging and respecting the time on hand.

4. This time of WFH where I could just be home...laughter with bade Papa, have long deep conversations about my journey of self awareness, the distance between myself and Mom's Bond etc..

5. All 4 days that I could visit Jain sadhviji and could offer them Gochri not just at home but everywhere they visited while out for seeking Gochri💕🙏❣️

6. The visits to local fair (Navchandi Mela) near the temple and all the shopping and laughter with Badi mom and Mummy. (Ramesh ka haath (back scratching tool which looked like a palm miniature), beautiful glass Bangles, footwears and my favourite Indian Gooseberry candy).

7. The time spent with Papa this morning, cleaning his Car, helping him with laptop etc...

8. The tongue twister practice this morning with all family members and laughter (Upper Roller, Lower Roller)

9. All the knowledge that came my way to ease me . Including an insta post talked exactly about the above deets and generational trauma. It appearing on my screen was truly magical and made me feel deeply comforted with the knowledge that - atleast somewhere someone or  something understands my dilemma and journey.

10. The Red moon which I could see from within the dark A2 compartment of my delayed train 

11. All my friends, their Love and care and the one desperately waiting for me at Pune (ty Bitti)🙏💕

12. Everything that helped me ease a bit and be a little bit more into the day...be more mindful.

13. Playing songs on mom's phone this evening, (Tu kya jaane - Amarsingh chamkila), playing cards with the family and visiting cousin...Maa's  limited or unlimited love

Thanks Tan for taking this time. I love you so much and I wish that my love fills your heart enough that you continue to walk and cherish life at it's own course.

Looks like too much of feeling of love chocked me 

...and I may be getting a bit emotional now.

Healing is not linear

I thought, I have come a long way in my emotional healing journey....but I forgot to factor-in the external dependency on the relationships and their equations with me. The individual timelines, on respective journeys of life too...

Not knowing that healing isn't linear..

Some nights I had my emotions steaming into words, revealing my deepest cry....

Whereas, some days, my heart get's scratched at the slightest of words, dealing with the complex nature of gestures, complete ignorance or absence of emotional understanding between words and gestures exchanged. 

I long and continue to long...

And the deep longing insists me to ask myself...what is it that I signed-up for? why am I knowingly unknowingly encouraging the duality...? Why is it so difficult to breath easy and let go? Why I end up clinging to what one shouldn't....

The duality in relationships, the feelings I feel but can't express or feelings i feel pressured with...due to the weight of expectations of other..(Not anyone else, but self), why mostly the celestial presence brings solace and comforts me in this realm and none of those connections I am associated to. 

What was it that guided me at such an early age to seek support of written words and be observant of any bitterness or resentment bottling up...

Did I even succeed in anyway or is it the other way and I am just at the same point I had started from, decades ago...?

Who can help me understand this all? Who can be my accountability buddy? Who would handhold me and be my assurance in this journey? With whom can I be me... without the thought of questions of it being ligit ...

यादें

यादें...

कितनी अजीब होती हैं...

कभी कभी किसी के पास होते हुए भी उसकी कमी दर्शाती है,

और कभी, एक बूंद आंखों से झलका जाती है।

सैलाब सा आता है यादों का, अनुभूतियों के समंदर में...

पर कश्ति लम्हों की, समय के साथ आगे चलती रहती है।

यादें...

कभी गीतों में, कभी खुशबुओं में,

कभी पुस्तकों में तो कभी समझाइशों में

कभी लाड, प्यार और दुलार में...

तो कभी एक ख्याल में.

यादें...

कुछ लिखीं जाती है शब्दो में

या फिर, जी ली जाती है हर एक सांस में।

यादें...

Liberation

3/8

Friend:

I want him to move on ru

Can't see him suffering like this

Everytime he screams Amma, it's heart wrenching

Me:

He will S.... When it's his time

Just pray. Ur dharma here is to be around with him

Facilitate him in his journey.

I know it's toughest.

But still....

U feeling and thinking it as 'suffering' is worrisome

He has to take his journey

Let him

And when it's right time... he will pass in it's totality and acceptance.

3/9

I wokeup this morning and stayed in my bed for a while wondering what is it that I am feeling and what would I want to do during my day...

And since I am visiting home, I have noticed my heart always beats as if it is dancing to the tune of some hard rock music. I wonder why, why is there so much palpitations and a fear that lingers all thru... somewhere I knew my answers and somewhere not yet...

I then stepped out and entered kitchen to take some warm water and ask my bade papa if he would want tea. As per his daily routine, he and my Badimaa visits sthanak ( a holy place of worship for shwetambar Jains, a hall sort with basic amenities and mostly no fan of lights..as per Jainism) from 8.45am to 10.20am. Today my Badimaa was travelling for some religious gathering and bade papa asked me to join him for the daily morning Discourse by the visiting Satiyaji (Lady maharasab).

I hesitantly said yes but then I let myself feel free to cherish such rare occurance and events in my life.

I took shower, got ready, had a few sip of tea and started with a 'Muh Patti' in one hand. Before leaving home, I had messaged and informed my friend that I might be away from phone for an hour or so...just incase I am needed...

May be this was from my own learnings that there are days in one's life when  knowing that someone is there for you is a big relief...

Me and bade Papa reached sthanak in about 15 mins. There were just two people in the hall... one elderly uncle sitting on the side where all gents would sit and he was wearing his Pooja attire (a white dhoti and another white cloth to cover upper body) and to the far end of the hall, against the wall was one of the Satiyaji, she was was on her mat.

I helped my badepapa place the floor mat on the side where all ladies would sit and may join later, during the discourse. After this, Badepapa went to the corner room to change into pooja attire and keep aside his mobile phone etc. While I was entering the hall my heart was filled with a bit of guilt and fear of shame.. of not knowing much about the religion I am born in, I took a seat in the  the middle, along the long edge of that rectangular 8x5 ft mat. 

As I sat, I had many thoughts passing like clouds...one such thought was to seek some blessings from the Satiyaji for my friend's ailing Dad.... battling last stage Prostate Cancer. With each day the disease taking it's toll, testing the Human grit and also the trauma their loved ones goes thru...

The very recent picture that I saw broke my heart. I sobbed uncontrollablely.... strangely, I had only met that person once...that too may be twelves years back but still I donno what hit me so hard. I guess a bit of my heart sinked-in knowing the pain my friend must be dealing with; seeing the only person he felt belonged to and loved so much, the only source of his inspiration and his strength, one who stood by him in toughest of the times of his life... helpless and retiring from life. With savings running dry, with his own health going for a toss due to Sleeplessness and stress, from struggling to meet a promiss he has made to his Dad but time and life had it's own plan.

While sitting in that Hall, for a moment I felt so selfish for 'asking'. But then, I got along with the discourse...in the hope that I might get some answers for myself. Partially, yes, the discourse had some element that talked about the bhav (भाव –related to intent) and chitt (चित्त – related to the Body).

 At the end of that one hour, after the chorus of devotional prayers, discourse etc, when we were all taking leave, I went close to the Satiyaji with muh-patti on (mouth cover with white cloth), I bowed down to the elder one and it felt as if they can gauge the depth of one's heart...we both looked into eachother eyes and we both had a softness in our gaze...more like that of being able to share something deep and being heard.... I felt so safe in that presence, I requested her to visit home for Gochri (a practice of walking to Jain family homes (preferably) that meets the criteria of 'susta', at a certain time of the day to collect food as alms) and she simply replied with the explanation on why she isn't able to come to that side of the town.

It was a sweet meet.

I then respectfully bowed down to her and took leave. On my way out of that hall, met a few elderly uncle and aunty who wouldn't have recognised me since I haven't visited sthanak in many years... atleast in my own hometown. It was somewhat weired but also soothing to connect and introduced myself.

All this time, my badepapa had already changed from his Pooja attire to pant shirt and left the hall.  He was waiting near his two wheeler for me to join him. We started back for home, I got a few calls from distant relatives and was on it, all thru during the ride.

As soon as I reached home, I realised I hadn't checked my messages and my phone was still on airplane mode and I was using my badepapa's phone all this while. 

Then I got busy with helping mom in the kitchen, doing a bit of office work and then lunch....after lunch, I was feeling a bit sleepy but unable to let go the restless and palpitations...so I tuned to Yognidra....

I was in a deep state of rest while in yog nidra and something nudged me and I wokeup...and removed my phone from DND mode. I see the below message from my friend :

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Arun just called

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Dad's pulse stopped

[3/9, 2:25 PM] Going to hospital

[3/9, 2:34 PM] He moved on

I don't know what state I was in, I felt a bit relieved, felt surprised with the turn of events as all I was hearing that his horoscope says he would stay till April and seeing all the pain and failing conditions it was heart wrenching to even sink-in that longtime ...and yet, a tear formed in my eyes, without my knowledge...but I didn't want to cry because somewhere I know this would add karma to that soul.

I stay laid in my bed praying for the departed soul... And all that his body went thru, bearing the unbearable pain, the family who made sure to spend time near him during his last days.

Without caring for anything else.

My heart remembered the morning visit to sthanak and what my heart longed for, the realization of the prayer that I did not know I were praying, the liberation of the soul.... liberation of the dear one...from this wordly pains etc. 

In the evening, while litting a lamp, I remembered Satiyaji and deeply thanked them, I prayed for the soul that was so elevated. 🙏

Om Shanti.

Srirangam Temple visit - Part 2

Cont.

I reached Trichy railway station 20 mins late i.e around 7.30pm and the assigned auto driver had arranged another driver as he got another passenger and I had told him to not wait for me.

After a short waiting period, I got another auto driver and the journey from Trichy to Srirangam began....It was getting dark and the breeze was soothing, but I met heavy traffic...:(. I usually like to feel the breeze of a new place on my face and breath it....the ease that one feels when on a holiday, for me, it onsets with the breeze of that land.

Along with the breezing auto, and changing surroundings i.e. from isolated quite lanes to busy glittering markets, heavily crowded pathways with everyone rushing in and out of shops. It made me think if Valentine's Day has become a global affair.. painting the (with the horrible red, inmho ♥️) innocent roots of villages of India :). (Not that I saw roses or hearts being exchanged....it was something my mind cooked up, just now). 

Frankly, I had forgotten all about it being a valentine's day untill the very end of the day when a pen friend (one I have known for more than 19 yrs, but never met) who wished me - Happy valentine's day. A customary and respectful exchange of greeting to appreciate this bond of friendship.

After a while the auto driver was crossing a bridge that connects Srirangam and Trichy and it was a broad, quite and concrete bridge. There was a river flowing underneath it and that night I learned that Srirangam temple is located on an island sort landscape, in Tamilnadu.

On that dark passage, at the speed with which auto driver was flying, everything outside was more like a blurred film, at one point I felt my eyes saw something bright amidst the dark sky and when I shifted towards the right of the auto-seat, to take a closer look I peeped outside and saw the full moon!

A big, bright, shiny ball with a soft aura, moving along as if the spotlight was on it, all thru. The reflection of it on the patches of river water which were bright because of the moon light looked more scenic and I was left in awe. That moment marked the welcome for me. 

A passage connecting two landmarks, of moment, a path in the journey of life, few memories, many emotions....all painted with love and bliss.

by a big ball of light on the right.

The auto stopped near the hotel I had my reservations at. The entrance of the hotel was simple and quite or may be I expected it to be a well lit, big entrance with hussle bustle of the visitors..given next day was Saturday, considered to be the day of the temple deity. 

Nevertheless, I met Mr. Krishnan who was waiting for me at the reception and for some reason was super excited to see me. He took a selfie with me and shared it with my friend saying that 'his daughter has arrived and will be looked after well'. I personally wasn't comfortable...I sensed something weired. 

He then collected the hotel room keys from reception and came along upstairs to show me the assigned room...he unlocked the room and entered in..I stood outside. I peeped into the room and it was a dual occupancy room with two cots places parallel with side tables inbetween. Before entering the room, I gestured him to either take the seat at sofa or wait for me downstairs....and I guess my body language was more stern than my words. He got the clue. He said sure, will be downstairs.

I got in the room after he left and locked in. Took a few deep breaths and sat at one of the city in the middle of the room. I spared the other one, closer to the window for me to sleep on...so that it's neat and tidy.

Asa I felt a bit at ease, I washed my face and hands and then took out my carryon bag and filled it with a water bottle, wallet and a book. I called up my friend after checking with him if I can call...I narrated the whole episode to him just to reconfirm that I am not overthinking and that my senses are not too alert with Mr. Krishnan. He told me to be very direct and open with him...and if at all I sense anything off, I should just part ways and be on my own...and not bother about the reference or him being elderly etc.

For a few mins, I just stood there as it in my room worried, clouded with many insecurities and thoughts which would rather freeze me but then I reminded myself about the whole intention behind my journey...and concentrated my focus on it.

I went downstairs and along with Mr. Krishnan  went to the next door tiny Dosa shop which was a homely food stall with fresh and crispy dosas, sambhar and chutney, they also had idlies 😍...and my heart lit up :)

I hogged on two Dosas and a idli and Mr. K took just one Masala Dosa. We decided will take a night walk in nearby lanes and just see the town before retiring for the day. And I agreed...afterall, I really needed a good walk in those quite lanes... something that feeds my soul and stories of my heart. 

We started with left of the hotel and then went around in a few lanes and he kept meeting people who knew him and talked about the land, the temple, himself, his brother's house and that both of them are disconnected... etc. at one point we returned back near the tiny food stall and walked past it...and I was taken aback when I saw a massive structure at a the end of that lane, partially lit in a way that only the edges were visible to me. There was a beautiful full moon adding a ancient charm to that whole scene...I was being pulled in that direction.. effortlessly. I rushed with my tiny eyes not ready to even blink...

Not even in my dreams I would have thought that my hotel would be at a walking distance from this Majestic architectural marvel. And what a time I landed there...a full moon night!!

I stood there just staring at the structure... sensing something familiar, Words of Mr.K faded away, I was still, in awe, in such shock and at the same time sheet joy! Wanted to just pause it all and surrender to that moment or take it all in....for as long as I can, with every element that is there in me and outside. 

We took a small walk till the main temple, crossing the busy street filled with shops of brass items, stones artifacts or kitchen utility stuff, sarees and other cotton clothing, flower vendors and hawkers, coffee roasters and resturants selling the fresh hot south Indian delicacies...

The whole lane had a uniquely earthing feeling to it. I was sinking in to my now...One step at a time. 

Mr. K offered to take a few pictures of me infront of the giant entrance structure...but all I wanted was to be left alone. He as also mentioned that instead of Auto, we would rather go on his two wheeler to roam around the city and in mind thoughts went back and forth - what about the auto rentals, about cabs or even local bus transportation or atleast a two wheeler on rent that I myself can ride?

His offer made me deeply uncomfortable and agitated.

He then said - "let's call it a night", "we have to start around 6:30 am the next morning and cover all temples, finish Poojas etc.". I also agreed and bid him bye and headed to my hotel with a bit of emotional baggage.

After getting back to my room, I changed into  comfy night wear clothes and was deciding on what dress I should wear next day morning...

I kept aside two options...a new saree, one gifted by my neighbour and a traditional Indian Salwar suit

In that moment I was recalling my neighbour's words right before she handed over that gift, asking me to guess what it could be..she hinted that it's something you Love but you do not wear....and I was like ...what could that be...(And gave some really silly responses, but couldn't crack it)

There was excitement, a weired nervousness that lingered for a while and a bit of anxiety with how the day would turnout tomorrow. Later, the exhaustion took over...and I headed to the other bed...one close to the curtains. Strangely, I never took time to go close to it and see what lies behind them...and now I was.

Before I sleep, I wanted to close that constant nudge in my head about Mr.K's offer and I had to put and end...I messaged him stating that I am not at all comfortable with sitting pillion with anybody and that I would rather prefer an auto ride or a walk or a solo ride...

He replied - 'thanks for being candid"; and agreed to take a walk to the main temple and take an auto post breakfast

And.... to my biggest surprise, the curtain was shielding a window sliding panels which opened straight towards the giant Architecture and with Moon lit so well...It was a breathtaking sight and sound deeply comforting. 

I opened the curtains and lay in my bed with lights in the room turned off and letting the moon brighten the night beautifully more...

Strangely, this full moon was reminding me of one of the imagery that flashed when I had taken a PLRT. And the whole sight infront of me nudged me and intrigued me to dwell deeper about the history of this temple, the past, beliefs, what all it survived etc.....and I picked up my phone to do a Google search. That search opened a plethora of informations in form of commonly asked questions and their answers stacked together...

I got to know a lot of information which I would otherwise have missed noticing, even while visiting the temple. My curiosity helped me prepare for the day ahead and it also grounded me and made me feel more privileged to be able to be visiting this temple...

I learned about Ramajunam's 900 yrs old mummified body, the history about the white color of Gopuram, certain beliefs like Narayana takes a tour of the town and visits his deciples at night

This particular piece of information satisfied my inquisition i.e. why did I felt a deep peacefulness near the giant entrance?

I had to force myself to settle down and get some rest. I changed my sleeping direction to be such that I get to face the moon and it's bright light fell on my face...not knowing that this magical experience would turn to be my Lullaby, heard thru the sleepy eyes (bright shining full moon) and bed to be my cradle ❤️

To be continued...

#ChappedLips #DistractedMind

Consumed by over thinking, before stepping out of home, I was unconsciously looking for the lip balm (due to the dryness on lips)...

I shuffled stuff in my small travel kit and found a mini round box, ~1 Inch diameter. Opened the box, took a bit of balm and applied on lips...only to realise it was Vicks VapoRub 🙈😉

Huh! ਇਸ ਨਾਲ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਕੀ ਫਰਕ ਪੈਂਦਾ ਹੈ!

 (Is naal mainu ki farak painda hai?)

#ChappedLips #DistractedMind

Happy Mahashivratri 💝

 

"तन की जाने,

मन की जाने,

जाने चित की चोरी,

उस शिव के हाथ में ही है तेरी-मेरी डोरी।

महाशिवरात्रि की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं!🌸🙏"

(Source : Google search)

This pic was clicked in one of the temples in Srirangam and I don't know why, this Nandi sculpture and it's simplicity....that brass garland with bells and it's sheer beauty complimenting the thousands years old surroundings, captivated me...

I went twice near the sculpture, to stand at a distance and simply stare at it. 

It felt alive in it's energies.

And what better day then to have this added on my blog/ whatsapp post for Shivratri wishes to family and friends....

I am in love with full of life sculptor  (I would call it an idol)

Har Har Mahadev 🙏🙏. 

Bad decisions make good stories ~Noah

 

(Feeling 😊)

....

Refrence image (below)

One of the task on my weekend list was to complete this painting, I had started it at Goa...

I wanted to continue to add more details to it but I decided to let it be as it..

Loved this time, painting is when my breath is calm and in it's own rhythm, while painting and the brain is pure bliss...no thoughts, no worries, no longing, no vaccum either...

Only now in it's totality...

🫰(Luv u Tan, for taking this time...)🫰

Happy Birthday, Bro!

 

(Year २०१४)

 I gifted him the treasure of my memories with him and shared, how between those shared moments, we grew-up.

I guess, atleast he did! 😂 I am still figuring it out for myself. 

Before sending him the access to the photo gallary, I went thru all those pics and remembered different phases of him, growing-up. As an elder sister, I was more aware of.... A cute innocent bundle of joy, to kiddo baby, a rebel boy, to mischievous teen, to one who aspires to lead, my most trusted buddy for a 2 am call to hear me out on one of my most difficult day, to an adult looking after people around him without fully knowing how wonderful a being he is....a little short tempered but I wish and bless him that he heals it....

While checking the pictures, I stuck upon this pic of us where he was the one who introduced the whole family of seven (staying together), with the hidden love that they held for a fur baby 🐥.. He brought a puppy home (to a family with strict rules against any pet animals) and he left for his higher studies, but what I saw that eventually the family grew so close to brolly🐕. The pup became so dear to each member of my family and I heard Dad joking that he never looked after his own kids this much as much he loved brolly..... Dad cried when we lost our dog.

I was majorly away from family, growing up, so I was a remote spectator....

What touched me the most in this picture was one of those rare moments which we shared like a typical brother and sister who would fight, care and love deeply.

I am getting teary eyed.... And I am missing home a lot today. I guess the pictures made me nostalgic...

Well wishing my Best brother a blessed life, health, happiness, ample love and soulful success...

Happy Birthday, bro🤗❤️🥳🥳, you are my most precious gift....

Srirangam Temple visit

 16/Feb/2025

Back at Bangalore, taking the evening slow, sipping a cup of hot ginger black-tea and a piece of Hyderabadi Neeloufar Biscuits (gifted by a vendor), staring at the vast blue bright sky, sitting in my balcony.

With a piece of biscuit in one hand, the other hand picked up the phone, to see if I can start pouring my thoughts and weave the experience into words, about the magic of my Srirangam Temple visit.

The moment I opened my blog page, the thoughts, photo-memories and feelings from the temple-visit came gushing. My feelings shifted from easy-breezy, to ecstacy, to self-doubt (am I over reacting), to un-worthiness because the level of my experience was way beyond the capacity of my words to be able to narrate and at last, I simply gave-up on the idea of documenting the experience....more so because I was sure the outcome would be more of a branched story where I might loose-out on the important events from my day at Srirangam.

Now, I picked-up the book that I thought will read to keep my mind in one place...completely forgetting about the enveloped garland, pressed between the pages of that book. the garland that I had received when visiting Temple's main Deity (Swami Renganathar) and that gift completed me.

To keep it safe, I had pressed it inside the book, just behind the hard cover....it re-affirmed my belief in life's magic and it felt so precious to me. 

The garland dropped out of the book and my heart knew, I now have a go-ahead, the muse has just blessed me... 

So, Let's begin from here and go back to the memory lane and reminisce about the magical realm that I was blessed with.

My journey from Bangalore started on 14th Feb 2025 by 1:30pm Vande Bharat Train, from cantonment railway station. The desire to visit this temple was there since long, this time, I had promised myself to take a step ahead - booked the train tickets for both sides, onwards and return. My onwards ticket wasn't confirmed and that was the final deciding factor.

(Feb 18)

Two day before the departure, I got a sms as CNF, I checked the railway portal and it said seat is confirmed but will get assigned when chart is prepared i.e. 4 hours before the trip and I was also thinking will get one final message confirming the same.

I was excited!! Finally another solo adventure but feared that language may become a barrier...

I then enquired with a friend to help me find some connections locally and there! I was introduced to Mr. Krishnan Ramajunam!! Who planned my complete itinerary :) (copied below)...the only caveat till here was - he was overwhelmingly chatty 💔.

I thought, that's ok as long as I am focused on my temple visit and some quite time which is what I conveyed to him in my chat while discussing the agenda of my trip - "Primarily temple visit and some quite time and no shopping"

Happy morning R (13th Feb 2025)

As discussed please note the following road map during your Trichy trip.

14.2.25 Arrival Trichy Junction 7pm. Will arrange for your pickup meter auto booked by me

Once you reached the hotel relax for 30 minutes minimum and plan for dinner traditional food outside if you wish. Otherwise restaurant 

Sleep well 

15.2.25 you should be ready in your hotel at 6.30am for Lord Renganathar darshan at 7am through my guide arranged due to the Saturday crowd.

After temple darshan (3 God's) around, 8.30am have complimentary breakfast in your hotel and rest for an hour.

I will come and pick you up at 10am for the darshan of lord Siva temple Thiruvanaikovil. Excellent architect holy place. After darshan will reach the hotel Sree Sangeetha restaurant and relax for 3 hours.

4pm will have excellent filter coffee and proceeding to Lord Ganesh Rockfort temple darshan. Due to the sunset it will be an awesome environment in the evening

 

Night dinner same Sangeetha or different place 

Night sleep well due to hectic travel 

16th morning pickup by meter auto from hotel to drop in the Trichy railway station 

Tentative expenses 

Stay Rs.5500

Food Rs.750 max

Auto Rs.1500 max

Temple as you wish 

Keep some small amount Rs.20, 50, 100 for pandit in 3 temples.

We are covering

1. Lord Renganathar 

2. Lord Renganayaki

3. Lord Chakrathalwar

4. Lord Ramanujan 

5. Lord Siva

6. Lord Akilanendeswari 

7. Lord Vignesh on top Rockfort Temple top view

Hope you will be enjoying the Trichy trip and thanks for the opportunity given to me to take care of you.

---

At BLR Cantt., I checked the seat allocation on the railway portal;  I never got any further confirmation or seat allocation message. I happily settled in there @ C4 32 (aisle), my luggage (one duffle bag 🤗) was neatly placed in an overhead luggage racks. 

Just after the train started and we crossed the 1st station, a family approached me asking - "Mam, this is our seat" and my heart hammered in my chest, a frantic drumbeat. I politely said, no this is assigned to me but if you are unsure, I can vacate and till you figure out I can be standing (knowing they were family and elderly).

Then I started to doubt myself that possibly my tickets never got confirmed but I am in the train and I may be pushed out by the TC if this is true...and the humiliation I might have to bear, was getting pictured in my head. 

I shaking checked my phones, one has the SMS from Indian railways and just this morning it stopped working, network went down and sim wasn't getting recognised. So I had to hold another phone in another hand and type the PNR manually...it all felt so stupid and deeply embarassing.. especially in this era of 5G! But thankfully the family was utterly kind and said, you take your time and check it peacefully. 

It turns out, all this while, I was referring to my confirmed seat no. from the return ticket and never actually saw the confirmed ticket for onwards....but It was confirmed and I was assigned C1 16 :).....had to cross 5 coaches to reach the last one...and the seat assigned to me. And it so happened that the seat was a middle one in a row of three and a Mom and his adult son was sharing each on either side ...and luckily the guy suggested I take the asile seat so that his mom can be on window side and he can be on my seat :) ...and I breathed easy after all the mismatch...

To be continued....

What Darshan!
Started at 6:33 am into the temple and got out at 7:45 am
Lord Renganathan doors being opened for me 🙏
Meeting and taking blessings of White horse, Elephant and Cow....
Also saw two peacocks
At temple 2 seeing decorated cow

Buying some stuff 

Chakrathalwar deity's flower garlands being accepted 

Seeing a cow

Mission cover-up!

 

My lastest innovation!!

Smokey charcoal upma!!!

(Yeah, growing up, a part of me always wanted to be a scientist....)

Well, any damage to anyone sentiments with offwhite or colorful vegetable upma is purely con-incedental (pun) 😂🙈🤫! 

At the very first look of this upma (my breakfast), a sentimental song started to ring in my ear....with custom lyrics:

रब्बा मेरे 'कास्ट iron कढ़ाई' किसी को ऐसे ना तड़पाए होय....

Cast ka color  रहे us kadhai me, khaane तक ना आए...

Me: To कढ़ाई,

तुझे शर्म ना आई किसी से अब क्या केहना!

तुझे शर्म ना आई किसी से अब क्या केहना

दिल रोया की अख भर आई

दिल रोया की अख भर आई

किसी से अब क्या केहना

 (song -tujhe yaad na meri aayi..)

🙈

Btw...taste was decent :p. 

Love you Tan (now this abbreviation also resonates with Tanning😭)

Speechless and in tears of ecstasy

Standing here, at this spot, and without a blink I could stare at this mysterious and mystic landscape. Something felt so magical and enigmatic...and full moon's radiance was such as if it was preparing me for the big day💝🙏🙏

I dint want to take my eyes away from it...even for the camera....'I' became nothing infront of this Majesty 🙇

A generation, which will soon be extinct. Facial lines would narrate the  humbling stories of these people of God.

There came a moment where I just turned towards this tower and suddenly everything appeared  more clearer...and my soul was longing to find the meaning beyond

❤️

Dear God, thanks for allowing me to be here, without your grace and love I wouldn't have ever known this .....

When there is a calling from the supreme..

 

When there is a calling from the supreme...

One change in the waiting list of train from WL 9 to CNF was such a relief and then the plan started to unfold on it's own.

Being referred to someone who is a localite of the city and is named Krishnan Ramajunam who promised to make my itinerary as defined as if it's being planned for The PM 😂 but I should take time to visit his saree shop...

And to my surprise, the itinerary being planned is so detailed and thought thru....infact I am being asked to rest well tonight as it's going to be a long day travel 🧳 but I am so looking forward to it 🙏🙏

The co-incident of this name Krishna has been a constant for few of my very important and soulful trips, be it my tour guide at Bhutan (a piece of earth so dear to me, my love), 

One of the tourist who also came till the tiger's nest Monastery, cave and offered me the tirtha.

....such soulful memories💕❤️

A heart filled with gratitude and joy.