How do you make peace with your heart?

The train is running late by an hour and I am already starving. Starving literally and metaphorically in absence of a friend/ person I had known.

I am on a train from Pondicherry back to Bangalore; after spending a lot of time reading on Kindle (50 life lessons), scrolling thru insta reels, constantly checking the app 'where is my train' for the current location and also sneaked-in a few train routes for my probable next journey or say a escape from the inner chatter. 

knowing fully well it all will be in vain till I lend a ear to the noice and get out of denial.

Well...when I started from Bangalore, I was super excited! Infact, super charged-up as I had got a reason and whole new purpose to my scheduled Pondy trip. And it eventually turned out soulful and beautiful with loads of new enriching experiences that left me with a deep satisfaction.  And all that happened in a series of events that almost felt like a sign and a magic being infused in my life again.

A bit of a background - Last Tuesday, on my way back home from work, I met Shrini - a colleague who was also be sharing  the same cab. From my past experiences, talking to him about my spiritual moments, insights and travels;  I have come to believe that I meet him for a specific reason and he seems to be my messenger send from above. 

That day, he asked if I have ever visited the famous and old temples in and around Pondy (The Vinayaka temple, a Shani Temple and Chidambaram Temple). Not remembering the names (from my past visits) , I said No, I haven't been there and that was it!. Our conversation was a beginning to my new journey with a purpose to tick the bucket list and Srini mentioned that my travel purpose could be to follow calling which could also be the sign that this is an invite from Chidambaram temple (Shiva is the main deity as Natraja - Lord of Dance).  

Among the other five elements this  temple represents - Space and I knew in my heart that I am solely seeking space within.

Not to mention, the whole journey turned out to be so eventful. I am still struck by the meticulous placement of people, words, messages, visuals that spoke to my soul and peeped in some deep hidden truths of lifetimes - a passion I had not know is in me...a art form and a longing for Dance.

Well, I am here with a different topic to dwell into, and had I not attended I know that the unsettled feeling, delayed train or all in Divine time compelled me to sit with myself and find my balance back.

At Pondy, Initial few days went peacefully, Organising and recalibrating the planned travel/ visits plus a little bit of closures on work front. The day when I had to return, every bit of my being was yearning to see this man or hug him, look into his eyes and have a heart to heart conversation, to hear and know how has he been and to share what made me choose what I choose and much more...above all I missed him and worried about his wellbeing and I do not want to leave him alone as I know how horrifying it is to feel that way... strangely the one who I think believes that cutting away abruptly in a relationship coz we had a heated argument could be one of the part of the '10 commandments of chivalry'. Anyways, I am here to put into perspective of all that I am feeling, experiencing and dealing internally so that I do not trouble others in anyway...

Q. Have I started to Love him?

A. There is no certain answer to this as Love that I have experienced and lived so far has stood the test of time and challenges and my understanding is casted or moulded with that. But for sure there is something deep I do feel for him. 

Q. After all these months (~ 9), what triggered you so hard?

A. Possibly the place - Pondicherry. I had come here a few months into the breaking apart but at that time I was there to heal from the condition my body was experiencing and my whole being was focused on fixing my own self and get the balance back if life exists or I exit.

This time all was fine until one fine day, I sat for lunch at a cafe and the next table has a person with similar name and it was being called over and over again. Given I had more time to myself sinking and soaking in every memory that surfaced with each walk, wall, waves, winds or words; when it was time for me to leave, I churned and struggled to keep myself in one whole being as every thought was yearning to see him to have him around in the presence of sea, I terribly failed in masking up my tears, the void and my deepest felt scream .

Q. What do you think about the person, in all your honesty?

A. His actions left me with no better choice than to think of harm - to that of my being and psyche. Of that of being used, of that being played with. But, I am helpless when it comes to my heart's song, it cares way too much and I can only be me ...irrespective of how much I give away myself. But I thanked him for some of the ways he knew me. about me and I had got addicted to his talks, the exchange of thoughts and some light hearted friendship.

Q.Why not reach-out and have an honest word? make peace with? What fears hold you back?

A. Reaching out! yeah, I have a big ego or my pride (of whatever is left) stops me. Along with that I have a word of another friend don't want to walk-over, or come across as a cheater for one and a trustworthy for another one. I doubt myself if I am trying to be always in the good books and hence this?...Who knows...I am feeling exhausted. Plus, reaching out may mean a promise which may be heard even if not spoken at all...given other person's involvement  (emotionally) in me. And after experiencing the actions - that those were (partially I do blame myself for it all), to trust is to ask myself to give all my in it and I wonder if I am capable of it or have that much in me. What if I fail again, I get let-down in the eyes of people I held myself high. What if I be treated again like a 'fly' - where initially I was a part of a family and the very next moment, I am just another person on earth - existing.

I heard somewhere that trying to forget a living person is equal to dying a 1000 deaths every moment and it proved right for me in repeats.

And for peace - It can only come from within, nowhere else as people change and so do I. 

Q. Do you want to be friends with him?

A. Given the practical person he is or turned into where as me being completely the emotional one...I believe it will get too awkward along with the history associated. (I smiled for a moment when the Mac book keypad showed 'Awesome' instead)

Q. Aside if this one person, what is your take and willingness for a partnership?

A. At this very moment if I have to answer the above Qs, the hurt that I still carry in my heart is not enabling me to allow myself even to think in that line,  I sob at the slightest thought. The sob is internal, a silent deep cry of pain, of missing, of seeking of love to be expressed and to be felt. Of trying to fit-in somewhere, to find peace, to be, to heal, to ease-off and to be easy on self.

May be the bitter truth is - I do want one but with me comes a lot of conditions, a path not travelled by many and might have to still nurture them, not all will be rosy, What about the vulnerability I carry with me? will anyone be so capable to walk along? I do not know. 

What is it to be in the moment...

 

As I was taking a walk on the beach road, I saw a mid-age couple sitting facing the sea. There was something so calming about the way they were, their body language spoke every bit at ease. 

And that very ease was absent in my being...since long. As I started to think about the missing 'ease' I sat somewhere closer to the couple and stared at the sea, the waves, people - walking, running, having mad fun with friends, some taking selfies, some busy trying new angles for capturing a great pic of the ocean while some were there offering prayers with family. Somewhere a little far from me, I saw a white dog sleeping with such ease that I had tears in my eyes realising it's been ages I had experienced sleep of that sort...that element of being carefree. I couldn't take my eyes away from that dog and resisted hard not to go around it as I might disturb it's sleep.

Wait a min! I am still thinking....now even louder ...ease is being in the moment but does that means surrendering? is it love or is it trust?

While watching that dog and it's rythmic breathing I sensed a certain calmness taking over me and I got up and stepped down closer to the sea and sand....where the dog was sleeping. I sat next to it and gently touched it's tail...the very end of it to make sure it doesn't wake up.

I was also amazed that - though the whole beach side is so loud with humans; playing and having great time...this dog was deep in it's childlike sleep...I wondered how!  from where it has so much wisdom and assurity that the waves wouldn't touch it and it lay there so carefree. In true sense trusting the sea and the waves with its life. 

I now had to hold myself back hard, to not hug it and sleep next to it so I indulged in some sand-mandala art, I took the dried stem of a nearby tree and it's leaves - color of autumn and were wet with the sea water soaked in the sand it lay on.

With that I made a small flower like Mandala and at a certain moment I experienced that a weight was lifted off my heart, I felt a bit lighter and liberated may be from the chains of grown-ups, of being the one bearing the responsibility and at that very moment I was nurturing the inner child. In between, I also felt like brushing that puppy and at few intervals, I kept getting closer to it...close enough to be able to gently stroke it and it let me do so. I felt loved. A part of me was revived. I smiled from my heart and I was feeling so much at peace. I then spent some more time sandwiched between the mandala on my right and the doggy on my left....

Then I got up as I wanted to actually take a dip in the sea but had cellphone and book with me and had to manage it on my own....so just stood closer to where waves were reaching the shore and I let me feet immerse in it. I enjoyed that for a long while and later moved back up toward the concrete platform and read my incomplete book in the reflecting light from one of the street lamp and a hotel across the street.

I finally felt I was in the moment, as I sat in that breezy shore..reading almost 40 - 50 pages with some great music playing on my phone and me soaking the storyline.

Loop : switch on/ off

There was this particular song (tu aake dekhle) that I heard for the first time in my friend's car while I was on vacation and visiting home.  I don't know what it was..maybe the vacation vibes that matched in the song and made me feel happy and loved or it was the company of friends that my soul yearned for...

(Back in BLR)

It was a friday morning while washing clothes at the terrace under the open sky I was enjoying some good album songs...

I then selected that song and immediately without much thought, turned the 'Loop audio'- On. In that very moment I experienced a deep awareness about how I have been on endless mental trips in a loop...be it a broken relationship, a sour friendship, an uncertain future, questions that were never answered, self criticism ...majorly the discomforting events! One that I keep playing in loop in my mind and then make efforts to get back to the now, ease of a bit, allow myself to be ok....that life happens and that it's a Journey. 

I tell myself, the harder you love or trust the harder it hits back....so that's ok. The beauty of it all is that I experienced and I would probably die empty....coz I loved deeply and believed in people...I put my total faith in them. Rest is their journey too and I need to learn to let go; which I know is the most painful and almost impossible task for me...but possibly life is putting me in this loop for me to give it a try and be easy on self. Life goes on ..whether I wish or no...

So best is to be more aware and tune-in to 'what is not wrong'...put effort to let that be a Loop that I switch on as an auto pilot.

And also know it's all a choice and I am allowed to make one with all my heart and grace.

From the song...(https://youtu.be/16jSQ0xdJKU)

लोग कहते मुझ को ग़लत, मैं रखता तेरी तलब

पर क्या करूँ? तेरी तस्वीरों को देख के उठती तड़प

मैं रोकता खुद को नहीं, आँसू आ जाते हैं

मैं वो नहीं जो करे प्यार किसी से भी नाम का रख के फ़रक़....

Thank you 

A vacation which was no less than home coming

Back in Bangalore, sitting alone and reminiscing about last 10 days of vacation which feels like a jiffy. I am still settling my thoughts and feelings - the euphoria and fun with childhood friends, staying with family & all the cousins plus kids, those late nights with cards games - the cheer and laughters, soulful food and home that felt like a celebration as if it was a marriage :)

My mind isn't able to go back to any particular day or time to make note of, rather jumping from one to another episodes or is hearing voices of sisters and friends, eyes are becoming blurry with happy tears which felt and saw the transition - how the hardest of heart melts at last, how we all get time to converse our truest fears, feeling and worries...how family come together and we each have some traits of the other. How we all find comfort in that togetherness, how the elderly becomes so accepting of life.

Each one of us was welcomed with a lamp and Kumkum tilak, the house was decorated with lamp and lights, event plants bloomed and so did the faces of everyone at home. It's hard to focus and not cry and I also know that each-one of us are feeling the same pain of departing after this vacations. For sisters who are married, i sense the pricelessness of such vacations which are very limited for them where as me (unmarried one) I do not have to think twice to visit home but yes, I do had distanced myself emotionally for a many years and I visited only coz I had to. This time it was different and was more holistic and peaceful. I was immersed in the simple joys of being a masi, bhua, sister, daughter, niece etc. I let go of the limitation of a image I had created for myself, I was flowing freely with each passing day. 

I know I won't be or rather I might end-up oversharing hence will stick to the best of the events that I am able to recall from all that I loved about my vacations with family:

1. Onwards Train journey of 24Hrs. And the successful week at work was a cherry on the cake.
2. Bade papa & Gogo coming to receive me at the station inspite of me asking not to. Some actions gets tattooed on the heart like forever.
3. Meeting and spending one day with Mishu and how she declared me as the most pyaari Bhua for putting Nail-paint for her. 
4. Tiny plants that I had taken from BLR which bade papa added to his nursery and they all were so accommodative of the new environment and bloomed.
5. Evening walk with mom on day 2 and some heart to heart conversations followed by gratitude checklist.
6.  Day 2 - welcoming Bhua and her kids + all the laughter and teasing :). Busy mornings in the kitchen and guest, friends, or some distant relatives visiting which was such a surprise :p
7. So many hampers of home made food items bought by each of the visiting guest, I din't go with anything special though except - ragi powder :(
8. Visit to Bir farm where I sense the pride in Papa's eyes while showing his new land & sharing the grace of God how things came together to favour the purchase and the langar at jiji's homemade Gravy aloo and poori with kheer. All the photoshoot etc
9. Ice-cream & kulfi evenings! with friend and family and later late hour cards game at Neeti's house. <3. Though I only won 50 Rs (lost 650 :D) but thought memories will be precious. 
10. Attending a grand wedding (Manali from seoni) and Mama - Mami's visit plus late night conversations.
11. Visit to vaikunthnagar Dadaji & Dadiji' home. The Humble heart with which they always heal me and my being. I love taking a visit in that varanda and remember my childhood. It was a blessing always.
12. SnapChat face filter on Babaji and kids and endless laughter and how Babaji suggested that we have one for all the demises messages on family chat group :P
13. Two Dinners at the Shree Lalaji kitchen - with Sagar & Family + with Gaurav & all.
14. One day visit to Nani and hogging on delicious pure seasonal fruits - Falsa, Blue berries, Rose apples, mangoes, Raw mango chutney's etc.
15. Pani-puri with friends & Gogo
16. New electric bike purchase from Grover Aunty (221060)
17. The news of Nikita Bhabhi's & vikky Bhaiy's twins! 27th May + Ozzi's Birthday.
18. Local shopping
19. Heart to heart conversation with Papa about Mom and what all is bothering her and some laughter :)
20. Another visit to Farm with Neha and Surana family!
21. All the 4 days of Kachori + samosas & home made Butter + the local freshly baked bread (sachi)
22. Impromptu visit to Omkareshwar and drive with mikki to Indore.
23. Walk, shopping and gifting + coconut crush with Badimummy @Indore and all the picture sharing + Talks.
24. Coincidence that the dates of my last tour home and Omkareshwar matched that from year 2015 and 2022  
25. Dhabha food (singh's Dhaba on Indore highway) with Mikki and munching on local cucumbers + best of 90's songs.
26. 
    

Pics to be updated sooon.....

मरहम की एक झप्पी

लिखना बहुत कुछ है पर शब्द पिरोए नही जारहे,

जस्बाद डगमगा से गए है पर रोके नहीं जारहे हैं,

अपनो के ही शब्द इतने चुभेंगे, पता नही था,

हम मरहम की एक झप्पी की आस बांधे बैठे हैं।

I Understand...

Sometimes we have surpassed the personal limits of feeling any emotion or particularly the grief and that instead of speaking thru heart throbs deep in the gut. And I have been in that state since yesterday.

What am I feeling?

A deep hurt and mostly something like being disowned or discarded.

Contrastingly -   a deep acceptance and understanding too, which only brings peace to my being. And I drop any sort of complaint or ill  thinking and accept.

I understand...

Sometime actions-  one that are well thought about and comes as a decision only after deep introspection. Listening to all the chatters in our heart and mind. 

I understand when we are loving, we have deep held promises to people we love, one who are above us. I understand we have had to move on. I understand we break ties with our own limiting beliefs and patterns and grow beyond. In all that is which goes on in the exterior, we start to understand ourselves deeply too and slowdown. Gulp the bitterness that was a part of our journeys.

As I write this, a part of me is screaming inside in the deepest of my being but because I have also made promises to my own people to be happy and one which they experience thru me.

I am not saying it is the best way to be but that is all I know - to stick to my words and do me. 

I understand it's time being factored too. And I deeply believe it's all working out in the highest good.

I know this too shall pass and life will never be the same at the deeper layers of  my being. Without any answers to my questions, with a hurt that I feel with all the understanding - for you and for me, I let go.

I let go us, I let go you, I let go me- Who I got to know thru you.

Stay blessed.

And I will continue to tell myself - I love you and I'm with you, because when all channels to willingness and communication closes and hope die a death it never should, we can be our own cheer leader.

Some things and situations cannot be understood or explained ......

 I understand...

Railway stations & Nausea from packing before travel

At last, I decided to make myself a cup of ginger cardamom tea. Had developed a bit of headache while doing my travel packing. I wonder if its me alone who has this weird trauma sort of feeling with packing.....especially when I am travelling to my home. I have few hours to my train and may be 60mins to start from home (BLR) but I wanted to attend to this internally shuffling feeling which degrades the whole experience of travel or even the start of vacations.

I start to feel nauseated while I do my packing. Let us understand at what exact point I get to the peak of it or where I actually start to feel it.

I usually will be very happy with the thought to train journey's....I love them. It feels so soulful. So much that when I am in distresses, my mind and body feel home at a railway station. I remember from my childhood days, I had once ran away from home after an ugly argument with mom and went to railway station (probably that was the only place I knew had a library) and bought a story book to run away from my reality. With this I can conclude that Stories are my distraction or in a way my lifeline which eventually - with the extra seasoning of diversity, I find it at a railway stations.

well...getting back to why in the first place I sat to write this blog post. Packing>Nausea> mind> memories> uncomfortable past> emotionally less comforting childhood?

Recollecting some observations from today's packing - I am usually very organised when it comes to packing and making a list is my bible or half the task done. List of all stuff I plan to carry, work I plan to finish, any shopping that would be needed, reminders about things that I should not forget just because they can be packed only on the day of travel, fall back options incase the shopping wasn't successful or I got bored if it etc etc.

Though my list was ready a almost 15day back. Today again I found myself revolving like any lost planet and the open Suitcase is my sun :D. Most of my clothes considering the number of days of stay are packed but still there are tiny items that somehow will be scattered around it and I will be juggling with what to put where and think a step ahead about what if I would need them mid-way in my journey. 

Half of my pressure gets building thinking of what mom would say - if my choice of dresses are ok or no, do I look enough presentable from her point of view? along with thought about my own comfort - Weather, fabric, occasion etc. Somewhere I am not someone who is a natural when it comes to grooming and mostly only in extreme cases of family weddings (long left attending them) and that too if I have the comfort of a beautician I connect to (I mean her/his art). All this leave me totally contradicting to how mom is. Deep down, in my heart I do not want to disappoint her but I feel suffocated when I have to go by what she feeling is the way to be.....in my head and heart - atleast not at a place I know as my home or may be she has already bid a goodbye to me after my college days or since I started working or from my marriageable age. My soul deeply long for the home I had known of. No complaints, but I know people change - sometimes for their own good and sometime without there own wish. The later one brings bitterness and that linger if not accepted. In my case, my being kept moving in and out of that home...that land but my soul yearned for it and it still does (the tears rolling out on my cheeks are louder). 

I must say I feel blessed when I get 3 - 4 calls the day of my travel right from dawn till I reach home (24hrs travel in train) and at the same time I wonder and get scared with the thought of how it would feel if anyone of them is not there.....I hurts and pierce me within but may be life has a way to teach us let go or the same lesson railway stations teaches me - we all are on a journey. 

I need to rush back and get ready. I am not sure if I reached at any conclusion but the out pour of tears relieved me a bit...may be there was something - a feeling, thought or memory I was struggling with and never attended to that and packing bring-out the worst of that and the topped pressure makes it challenging for me where as the exterior is all bliss - after all its vacations, my interior being missed something or someone deeply.