FocuslyDeFocused

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Past-life baggages or promises and How I avoided love

Last week I attended a two days past life regression session. To be honest, I am not really sure how far that worked with me but having experimented and experienced life from some of great teachings of Louise L. Hay...I know something did work or surfaced and me participating in that session in itself was a testimony of something working out for me for my higher good.

What let me to this session was - firstly the repeated pattern surfacing be it with my health or relationships.

Secondly, seems my Dr. and healer had this Divine calling to offer me this 1:1 session inspite of dates being fully booked till September.

Also, early on my book reading journey, I happen to come across -many lives many masters by Dr Brian Weiss on past life regression therapy and his experiences with his patients. And somewhere I believed it and and understood how we go through multiple lives or incarnations and how certain events nudge us in certain directions to get done with the learnings that soul needs to learn.

My session on D2 was extremely intense with memories emerging as flash of images transitioning from one to another and taking me to places and incarnations I have had not even imagined!. Images of people, places, experiences and even roles as men, women, child, animal or even rescuer. All from times in the past lives when my soul was in the body of many different beings having various day to day interactions and roles being played. What I carried was experiences right before I left my body from those lifetimes. I could go back to an era where I had found some strong resemblance with princess of Mandu Gadh - Rani Roopmati, to an era of battles and I was a warrior and peacefully contemplating the reason of that war (nos. That flashes were 53) and how life evolves and transitions from one life to another.

In one I saw a visual of a black baby whose head was covered with flies/ black bees and who I pulled out of somewhere from a yellowish soil and his eyes were open but limbs were dried up and extremely skinny. The facilitator ask me if I know the baby and I said no I don't know I was asked to look at myself and if I see something which resonates I said I only see my hands which means maybe I was a rescuer or helper then I was asked to look at the baby right into the eyes I replied that those eyes strangely resemble someone I got to know very recently. I focused into the visual and look straight into the eyes of the baby a seems like was still or lifeless but I got a message saying "I love you mama", do I was into the session at this strange message I choked I had tears dropping one by one from my closed eyes.

Another such horrifying event was recalled from some 10000 yrs old from where my soul took a engraved memory of believing that love means punishment and sacrifice. I saw that I was badly shamed inform of the society for loving someone and I was painted black and dropped into a pit with so many people (mainly men) and later I was tied to the walls of that dark pit and my private parts were made to be chewed off by a tiger.

After this all I felt exhausted as if It was all too deep and too overwhelming for me to experienced such long held beliefs, baggages and still struggling to find a way out into my peace into the waking life

The return it all here this just make sense of it all and also give myself enough channels and time to let it all go because maybe I thought I'll be as free and fresh after the session but no waking life is a combination of habits it those believes I had held so long and one which proved to be the right ones over and over because I had to believe them.

Post the session it was also brief discussion about my childhood my relationship with my mom how I feel so ignore or maybe abandoned and the underlining believe about relationship or about fear of abandonment froze me over in over. I created situations where either I call for a mess so that I avoid abandonment.

I feel I have a lot to draft from those 2 days sessions but I would want to pause and just breathe. Breath Deep and believe. Believe that I can trust life believe that everything is working out for my good and for my higher self.

A deep Sigh.....

Sunday, April 16, 2023

Titbits : refreshing and tiny joyous moments

Two days back I wanted to write a song for myself.
Early into this thought I got four lines that goes like :

Messy home

Scattered thoughts
overwhelming emotions and
a struggle to beat them all....

the funny part was that I continued to repeat these lines in my mind with the music stolen from some random movie's title tracks or songs that I believe I have had heard ....and possibly that's why they were accessible from my subconscious brain. But eventually my will was stronger than anything else and I ended-up successfully closing all my office work for the day, Cooking/ ordering, kitchen cleaning and even sorting clothes and getting them ironed ..including the messy to tidy home! so no more that messy song.

In the recent past, I've had many refreshing and tiny joyous moments, and I wanted to capture them in this post and I name it as Titbits of life (for my love of those mouth fresheners)!

1. A Coco-Nutty Affair !

In March, I was trying to increase my hemoglobin levels and stop irregular bleeding. I relied on home remedies and got some groceries delivered. The groceries included dry coconut, jaggery balls, and beetroots. When I opened the package, I realised that I had accidentally ordered two bags of dry coconut and no beetroots. I was tired and didn't feel like dealing with it, so I just put the groceries away. I also told my neighbor, who was on vacation, that she could have some of the extra dry coconut.

A few weeks later, I went to the kitchen to refill some dry coconut. I grabbed the same transparent poly bag with the ease of it being a hard shelled dry coconut but to my shock it was soft and little squishy. I was almost about to scream thinking it to be a dead mouse or something strange in my hand. Then I realised that I had grabbed the beetroot which I had mistakenly added to the store.

I felt silly laughing at myself that day :D

2. Mallika-e-hemoglobinellanous !

One such day, the cooking gas in my home got over and I had to use my neighbour's kitchen for all my cooking needs and thankfully they weren't there and had given me the house keys. I was hopeful that my gas tank will be changed in a day or two but it got delayed due to my health and me avoiding to lift heavy objects plus, there was a lot of heavy planters around the gas chamber and for that I had to wait for my owner's Son-in-law to get free from his day job and fix it.

One such day I was chatting with my other neighbour while cooking at her home...she asked me what I cooked and I sent her a Pic of my beetroot masala rotti and conversation went like this :)

Me: Making at ur home

She: Okay. What special?

Me: (Shared a pic of pink beetroot masala rotti ) and asked U?

She: Had food already 🥚

She: Mujhe lagta tum lal aur Hari bhari ho jaogi khoon ke chakkar mein 😂

Me: 🤣

Me: But khoon to aata hi ja raha hai so...🤷‍♀️

She: 😂

Me: Beetrella n palakishious

She: Milake hemoglobinellanous🤣

Me: 🤣🤣🤣🙏🏻

3. Fu_k finger got puffy!

Since a few weekends have been attending tree plantation drive with a group of retired folks who are also rotary club members. While on this drive, last weekend I happened to injure my middle finger of left hand with small Bruce from a metal enclosure which is used as a protective cover around the tender plant and which went unnoticed thru the day unless I stop for breakfast at a small hotel for idly and while washing my hands... I realised there is some sensation on my middle finger and something felt odd when a looked attentively I saw that my middle finger is swollen and a bit near the joint and when I looked at the back of my palm..all fingers held together I had a slight laugh at myself that it's no other finger but the middle finger which is sadly also known as the f*** finger has got puffed up and the rhyming words made be laugh.

I always feel that God has a very strange way of making me feel the presence by such gestures of pure joy in the most gloomy of times...and I am deeply grateful.💝

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Khush hoon me zindagi ki apni is kitaab me.

Tatolti hoon un panno ko jo shayad adhure se reh gaye kuch un-kahe sawal-jawabo me.

kabhi-kabhi sochti hoon ki ye aas-paas ki kamoshi kitni zaroori hai zindagi ki shyaahi k liye

aur kabhi, kuch panno pe ye hi shyaahi shor ke dhabbe chor jaati hai

kuch shor ko shabdo ka sahara miljata hai aur vo tham se jaate hain

to kuch be-parwah goonjte rehate hai...ki shayad kabhi unka bhi kahin kuch arth hoga....

Samay ke saath hum ek adhyay se doosare ki taraf badhte chale jaa rahe hain

aur kabhi पृष्ठ स्मृतिyo (bookmarks) ki madad se thoda ruk kar, kahani ko ehsaas me laa rahe hain.

ye sil-sila ruk ke chalne ka aur chalkar rukne ka jaari hai.

aur vahi silsila ek ajeeb sa jaadoo bikher deta hai

to kabhi yaad dilati hai - jab hum akhri shabd piro rahe honge....shayad ye kitaab Padhenge sab us din.

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

How it felt - the inner dialogues

Today while enroute to office, I was reflecting at a lot of things and events that took place in my life and in one or the other way had a lasting impact on me. The Family I was born in, the relationship I share with my parents, the friends I have or had, the fears I developed, the resistance I build as a safety mechanism, the flexibility I denied to feed my belief system and foster it into a reality, Life that I understood and thought as mine, the people I connect at work and growth as a person I encountered, if not during my academics. Towards the tail of my travel, I had a bout of mixed emotions happiness for the life it is and the beauty and variety of it and yet the balancing factor in challenges that it throws at us.... I wiped my tears and got ready to be at work after a distracted two months which in a way bought a lot of discipline in me more so for my emotional wellbeing.

I also wanted to write about a few episodes that still triggers and may be by the way of writing them, I let them be and allow my sanity & peace to stay intact.

1. On that last call I was told - I will never be a botheration in your life.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : I got what I aimed at and I no longer need you. You are no-where close to my expectations of you or (anyone in that place in my mind and heart). I had had enough to deal with, in my life and you were a good healthy distraction till that time. I tried to contact you but never felt the need to intensify it with the feelings that I expressed before getting you. I had learned the lesson in life - never chase relationships and live my life with no-regrets - One day at a time.

2. On that call with mom...(Where I was so sure that me sharing my life's events (hard ones & Good ones) will give us the platform to grow together emotionally.) - I told her that I suspect hormonal imbalance which is triggered by emotions.
response I got - You have decided not to connect with one person (get married) and as a result you end-up connecting or getting close to many people and get hurt and a imbalance is bound to happen.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : You are a girl and you should always be reminded of your limits. Anything (not-so-good) happens, it's your fault and no-one else. You din't choose to marry is the root cause of all your problems. You have no-right to be heard, consoled, loved (especially whenever you seek & desire it the most). The more you come to me with you broken pieces, the more I will assure you - I am not emotionally available to you.

P.S. This is in no manner a complaint to or for mom, but just the release of inner dialogues to feel relieved of that pain I carry and allow myself the freedom to love her unconditionally for bringing me up this well.

....Sometimes the deeper wisdom of life hits differently, it chokes and also makes you feel elated at the sametime topped with tears bubbling-up in eyes out of nowhere. It bring-forth the fact of impermanence of life. It prepares one to be more open to acceptance of life's events, people and flow. It also helps us see ourselves as mere beautiful beings capable of making choices - Choices to pause when needed, Choices to get-up and live again, to dream, to forgive and love more, to know that life can be created at any moment as the consciousness arrises and that your truth is purely yours and no-one's else to know or understand.

I feel deeply grateful for this time to be able to jot-down my feelings and thoughts. And I love. 💖

Monday, March 27, 2023

How little did I know of my body & it's way of communicating to me

Considering this is my safe space and to heal by the way of writing, I can let a piece of my heart (My feelings, my pains, my fears etc) out here.

Currently I am in a limbo with a certain condition that is recurring in my body. To be precise it all started closer to 3rd feb and is going-on till date (27th March). My body released a lot of blood...I don't know if it was impure or pure but it continued. The initial days were ok with me expecting my cycle (women's monthly cycle) but the episode never stopped, Body continued to go on and on and on. Endless visits to the washroom, seeing the pot filled with red fluid creates a mental trauma. Especially the mind finds it easier to connect it to some horrifying cooked-up story even though diagnosis is in process.

This lead me to find a Gyno for myself and she gave me a list of many scans, tests etc to be done. Which I did to found few new things happening internally and that my Hb was low. I was put on few english meds which I have a massive mental aversion to but I took as it was needed for survival. My other GP had initially asked for a Scan and later suggested a few meds and if post meds the symptoms persist, I should get a D&C done. But later she sensed (as a healer too) that it's all good and nothing to worry. During one of my consultations, she also suggested that I do an ancestral healing as something seems to be there from my past. A lot took place within this time or upto this date. I learned about my body in ways I had never known. As the impact area is Uterus, I wondered how I knowingly ignored my being as a women and for women - change is the only constant. I took refuge or found solace in just avoiding or seeing them in light of horror than as the possibilities they were. My deep rooted fears surfaced and reaffirmed my beliefs. I din't know what to do how to console myself. I only knew to run away or avoid as a language to find peace....of mind and heart.

But underneath this all, my body suffered....silently, never-ever complaining just walking along and enabling me. I wonder if I even deserve that deep affection it portrayed for my soul.

I learned about womb, about how in shamanic culture - Mother-earth, womb, water and moon are all connected. I meditated to seek blessings and to allow healing. I consciously meditated to allow release all promises, I would have made to my ancestors - knowingly or unknowingly and which may now need a release.

It also surprised me how completely my focus has been pulled-in by the very organ of this wonderful body I neglected or had completely no awareness about. How I am reborn with new light and understanding, the fears dissolving with acceptance and willingness to allow and unfold as life desires it for me.

I also want to acknowledge that days had become so depressed and low, I wept and lay in bed for days...I consulted a therapist to know more about myself as I felt a weird pause in my life. A void. A deep quite hollow. And only with the help of that one friend and light which held my hand, made numerous Dr. visits, searched Dr. for me, kept aside his own pain or conditions to assure me that all is well and all will be fine. I cannot imagine me being alive in these last few months without his comforting presence, understanding heart to hear me out always, to be un-biased about anything I behave or be like, to show me that love exist and that I am good and all is well. I tear-up as I write this...there is a wave of deep emotions of gratitude and also a bit of doubt which asks what did I do to deserve this love and consideration.

How my world exists outside the world I am born around and I am now choking and cannot do justice to the emotions I am feeling so I will pause here.

My prayer is and will always be that - May everyone know, believe and have that someone - to love them unconditionally, to be their light in tough times, to be their voice in times that choke, to be a mind and heart that believe in miracles, to be a hand that comforts you in the warm embrace and say all is well and everything will be all-right. 💖💖