Disbelief and Going places

My day was busy, packing. Creating checklist and checking each item on it before leaving home for the airport.

As always, I go into panic, strong uneasiness and stress...it feels like I am the planner and I am the one dealing with it all for visually no meaningful purpose...

My stressful state was to an extent that when I reached the airport, around 12 am, cleared  immigration formalities and was waiting at the lounge; is when It struck me that my body is now coming to terms with this reality of mine - that I am travelling overseas for second time in single year.

Other wise, my mind was running ahead of it's time, juggling timeliness and deadlines and body was just acting were emotions were struggling  to pace- up with Mom's visits, getting to know me around her, getting to know her, aunty joining, our travel to Pondicherry together, all the planning and exploring new places, resturants and back in Bangalore all that we could do in the remaining few days and along the heavy lashing rains!

(I saw magic taking place when Rains would take a break and allow us to exprlor and be back safely and  comfortably. We could do Burma Burma @indiranagar when Bangalore reported the worst traffic and also visited the Gurudwara same night and had our dinner sign-off (so to say) with the Prasad : Ghee halwaa 💖, next day I visited office but mom and aunty could do 'MTR dosa' and visit to Art of living, my heart felt deep gratitude and awe)

Back to where I left ...

With awareness and history of childhood trauma, and working towards healing thru it, now-a-days I tend to see everything - every experience, expression, feelings etc, with a lens of something to be healed or dwelled deeper into and my go to friend in this all is - Google Search 🔍 :).

I went ahead and and searched 'Disbelief' and learned that it's not just lack of belief at a certain thing, people or situation, but could be categorised as an inability too. I was surprised!  this learning broadend my horizon of understanding.

The search results further added subsets to my question too like:

Q. what is the root cause of Disbelief?

A. Could be loving a wrong person (this was to specific though and dint felt relevant to me).

Q.How to fix disbelief? 

A. Belive in God's plan and that reminded me of my LinkedIn status title : Believe Passionately!

I was writing all this while on a flight of sixteen hours and was on and off with my thoughts, watching drama movies and munching all thru and sipping camomile else hot chocolate 💖. It all really makes me wonder what did I do to deserve all this, things or experiences that  people die to have (biz class travel, luxury around etc) where as, I seem to just flow, if it's all in my being as second nature. But surely a stark contrast to my life back home.

When I got a bit bored, I started this movie "City of second chances" and loved the whole story, chances people get or were meant to be. I also loved the dialogue in it : 

Perfection has a 

For a change, miles away from my people, my country,  up in the sky, 40 thousands ft. above the land; the light-heartedness of the movie made me feel at ease and sparked a new hope about self, about relationships, about life in general. And I slipped into a much relaxed and comfortable deep sleep.

I wokeup, ordered some hot chocolate. While feeling the warmth of the hot cuppa in my palms, and cozing in the chill biz-class cabin, I starteed looking for another movie from the available 4000 to select from, across languages, genra🍿 regions etc.  

And my heart chose "Longing", coz that's what I felt and lived most of the time of my life and thought this movie can either comfort me or intreguie me. And I was taken away by this movie, it opened my heart for "acceptance of life and it's events, both what we feel kind and unkind to us". Simply, I loved it and loved the lead character and actor who did so much justice to the role :)

All I am realising, growing-up, travel to me was an uncomfortable area.... for many reasons and one of the primary one was financial shortfalls and another was being a girl. Whenever we travelled, we always did it in group if family members, but never alone. so I unconsciously avoided it. But slowly, I am getting to experiencing my liking and longing for it. How it helps me meet me at deeper layers.. infact in one of the "insights discovery" session report, it was recommended that I travel for work and it would make me more productive.....and I still wonder how true it is and magical.

Wrapping this post with the tagline on one of the pillow that matches the one on my laptop bag too :)

And off to next movie of my journey: Young women and the sea ⛵ possibly one more as I still have ~5 hours to land :).

Thank you God and super G (my employer)  for all that I got to experience while I am with you💖🙏✍️🦋

A bond we share.

 

Just us.

One is 'you',

Another is 'I'.

Bonded over-

Tears and clouds;

Mine and Yours.

We converse.

Only & only, Thru eyes!

At first, naively

Then in stares, of Parallels.

We pause.

To catch a gaze,

To lit a bit of heart's space.

What Unifies?

Appearance & disappearance,

The yearning for closeness 

No words.

Just, strong string of emotions,

Radiance amidst the darkness.

Emerging stars.

 One with a Halo, amidst the cloudy sky,

Another, with a twinkle in her eye.

✍️💖🎑

Being heard & acknowledged

 

Not a complaint in anyway, but peace after going thru a state of un-awareness to self-awareness to denial about the fact, experiencing internal conflict at every step, hurt from exteriors to that self-imposed ones for not being able to respectfully allow acceptance ...those questioning  times about how such a bond can be evaluated as hurtful or damaging... it's so hard, especially with deeper eternal wiring of ethics, respect and what you see normal from societal point of view.

In many ways, I have come a long way, the many battles, sometimes all at ones or prolonged greif but I was looked after well, I was loved and  cared for, respected in the worst of my days when I would have had the most dark side of me surfacing.

I am deeply grateful for this life force within and for all that came as blessings in my life.

🙏💝💕

Love 24x7

On my way back from office, I saw an automobile service centre signboard and right next to it - a big rectangular signboard with red colored boxed letters saying "Emergency 24 x 7", yes, it was an electric signboard outside a hospital.

A thought instantly crossed my mind...

Can there be a possibility of "Love  24 x 7"?  Then possibly we will never call anything as "emergency 24 x 7", Can anyone guarantee the other to make them feel loved all the time? Or let's say the one receiving love, Can they feel it 24 x 7? 

I know this sounds unrealistic for many but why is it that I get such thoughts and I totally believe in them (even though I cannot myself promise to be all loving all the time 😅). 

And I am well aware of my feelings of deprived of Vitamin Love, a lot many times! And a part of me who just wants to be there in the childhood and not feel intimidated by the world of grown-ups.

-- (after a gap of 60 mins)

I shed some tears while on the phone speaking with a friend and asked where have I got lost? What happened to me? I was joy and love but today it all feels like an effort... why? Why is it that I am feeling suffocated...what is it that I am seeking? what should I change and how can I help myself?

To this vulnerable conversation, I was told,

 - " try and live in the here and now. Find joy in simplest of events, don't get overwhelmed by thinking the wholistic picture of life all at one time...don't get scared by it.

Know that we all will shed a bit of us as we near the end of our life's journey but knowing that that's the beauty and ease of life and we still are in our 'now'! so be greatful, we still have that now...

-- 

I know I am feeling overwhelmed with work timelines, my upcoming travels, mom and aunty's travel the limited time am left with and everything in between... I guess I will just Hug myself real right 🫂💖✍️💕

Language of love...

 Today, at one point I asked myself, At what point  (if) have I felt the expression of love from Mom or One that I yearn for? say that it benchmarks what my being seeks.

And all I remembered was Love that flows naturally or rather pours effortlessly for animal's

I had felt her aura then, once with fishes at a restaurant, with birds,  Dogs and even this encounter with monkeys at Lepakshi temple... how that cranky being was able to surrender to her deep love.

And there I am... could only be small trace of what she holds in her heart...

(A pic only Mom can take 💖).

(Somedays I feel I am oversharing here, I then get concious, panick and  then over think. But then something in my heart would say... everything is temporary and who knows when my life is done and I am gone....in a fraction of a second and all that is left is just these words...or even these would go away, because it all matters to me and for me, only me. isn't it?)

Simplest pleasures ☕

 

Yup! Making my own tea :)

Nothing new about it but a few days back when recalling what brings me Joy... Brewing tea was one of the tasks on list.

Why was this particular tea special to me? Because, I was aware and present in that moment that I was creating for myself. A simple moment filled with life from thoughts, self awareness, love and nurturing.

Also because, for these few hours, I was all by myself (after a longtime), making my own tea, just doing nothing (probably) but letting thoughts flow, and it was a perfect closure to a Sunday evening 💖✍️🙏 

My today...

In the last few days, I reached a space where I didn't want to write anything or anymore, I would have this desire and many thoughts but soon it will die down. Probably, the experiences I was going thru, were broadly scattered on the spectrum of human emotions and were too frequent.

And I somewhere lost that ability to pace-up and weave them thru words.

Broadly I experienced, deep longing, Anger, grief, sadness, withdrawn, elated, peaceful, mesmerized, rushed, pained and a minimal traced of ease too.

Longing for that shared space with that special someone where I was more of me and the experience was mutual and deeply respectful.

Anger when I was mistreated by my own folks (which is usual and casual for them, probably.  May be it wasn't ever intentional or not even that they were self aware...).

Grief with memories of the past and struggle to let go or drop.

Sadness when I couldn't be in the Now and was either busy planning the next or grieving the last.

Withdrawn when the hurt nudged the wounded and unhealed nooks of my being.

Elated when I took decisions and prioritised ease and eventually it all turned out so well. (Green Amman temple and Chidambaram Temple with Mom and her friend 💖)

Peaceful when I could see feelings shifting, we respecting our individual spaces and finding or creating new ones.

Mesmerized with the blessings bestowed on me in many ways known and unknown to me.

Rushed when the days began to feel normal but also holidays getting shorter, on one hand, a trip coming to closure where as another begins and it continue in loop till the rest of this year. 

I felt rushed at times where I took the responsibility to look after the other and to plan ahead, with trying to balance the inner being and the exterior one, when struggling to find that mental space to paint or read. Art submerges me into an ease and probably that is something I am depriving of myself and do not feel worthy to invest in....(Sorry Tan).

Pained to allow myself that insight of what parents would have struggled with or would have experienced for me to bring me up (after watching some insta post that says do not hurt your mother ...not with your Anger, nor with your silences..etc). And that unbearable anger that I sometimes feel due to unresolved traces of trauma...(Sorry Maa😔💔). I wish I would have known you better and wish of your journey could have been smoother while I was growing up..

Ease at last seeing Mom letting herself loose, smile, laugh, share like normal parents of a being 🙏💖 (deeply greatful to God for this. And I am aware this may be momentary but for now all I want is that I hold on to this memory in my heart).

Laughter when Mom and Aunty got lost in the tiny lane and in their attempt to find some familiarity...on call they asked if I can see a water tank 😀 and later when we entered a veg restaurant for dinner, by mistake aunty broke a ceramic plate which slided off the table when she took her handbag. 

Bliss - Live singing of Sathiya ye tune kya kiya song and pehla nasha in Tamil and Hindi combination....what a voice! The best part...the timing of this song when I am about to leave the city and in the quietness of the guest house balcony I can hear this song as if it is being sung from above the sky, for me.💖💕

(View from balcony of the guest house. Room C8)

Any we boarded the train laughing again as they both were dilly-dallying and came at their own pace without even knowing which train to board, what coach or seat number!! 😂