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Monday, July 8, 2024

I wish there was a wiggle room...

I wish there was a wiggle room... Between the silenced heart and  the Roaring emotions... 


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between the strong waves of triggered hurt

And Tears struggling it's way, in the day-light


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between the flashes of memories, itched Hard

And the sinking reality, far-apart.


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between the lessons that life throws at us and 

The lines we seek, in-between.


I wish there was a wiggle room...

From the path I was taking and

the one I was meant to...


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between surrender and 

Being uprooted...


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between the literacy of 'acceptance'

And the wisdom of 'deliberate rehearsals'...


I wish there was a wiggle room...

Between a bond of faith and friendship and

that of cerritude and estrangement


I wish there was a wiggle room...

In what looked like eternity and 

Lived only to define 'mortality'.


I wish there was a wiggle room...

To breath and choose,

To walk a new path and be my-own.


Sunday, July 7, 2024

Wonderful bond of Faith - Brahminy Kite and me

7th July 2024

(Artificial intelligence version)

A cold wind whipped across the terrace yesterday evening as I paced in an "infinity loop," audiobook playing but unheard. My mind was a whirlwind – thoughts of relocation, work, self-doubt, all swirling together. Suddenly, a sticky web brought me back to reality with a jolt. This wasn't your average spiderweb; it was strangely strong and clung to me like a thousand invisible spikes.

A giggle escaped my lips as I imagined the scene from my neighbor's perspective – a spotlight illuminating my frantic attempts to disentangle myself, a scene straight out of a Mr. Bean show.

Needing a break from the mental clutter, I looked up. The vast sky, ever-present, offered solace. Birds dotted the twilight canvas, their silhouettes a calming sight. My heart quieted, replaced by a peaceful exhaustion.

One last gaze skyward before bidding it goodnight, a deep longing filled me. The Brahminy Kite, a rare and auspicious visitor, had been absent for far too long. Often, I'd spot them while doing chores or enjoying a cup of tea on my balcony, their graceful flight a source of constant joy.

With a silent request, I expressed my wish to see them again.

This morning, amidst a flurry of other kites, a Brahminy Kite appeared. Elated and filled with awe, I stood there, the magic of the moment a beautiful answer to a simple yearning.

This experience served as a reminder – sometimes, the greatest comfort lies in the simple act of looking up, appreciating the vastness above, and reconnecting with nature's wonders.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(raw draft - human version)
This morning, between 7:45 - 8:30 am I got the best surprise for my day. The surprise was even more touching because it was a request answered in the most magical way.

Let's take a step back to 'yesterday evening' when I was feeling a bit low and wanted to engage in some activity to breakaway from the dullness, feeling of exhaustion from overthinking. I chose to play an audio book and take 'infinity-loop' walk on the terrace. The weather was cold and bit windy too...with no traces of rains.

Though, I was listening to the audio book, my thoughts eventually drifted from: relocating to home-town, the practicality of it, to whether continue with the current employer or move away or even re-start with permaculture and a farm-stay back at home, to ongoing events at office, to sports (I would like to engage with), to self doubt, to present - maintain an 'infinity loop' with my foot steps, to the messy, sticky and itchy spider or ant's web that I got entangled with! 

Oops....God really has a wonderful way of bringing me back to track :). I then lost the train of my thoughts and got busy feeling that weird stickiness on my right cheek and the lower arm that was lifted to de-tangle me...:P (I know, too dramatic). 

My thoughts were now busy analyzing the strong and strange web. 'Strong' because this was consecutively the third day when I bumped into it (probably it was too dark) and this time, I unknowingly scraped it from each of it's anchoring points: clothes line wires, the TV dish antenna and the terrace floor. 'Strange' because, this one in-particular, felt very different. The thread glued to my body was like a thin strand with invisible spikes which would open-up in all its mightiness when in-touch with humans. 

I was also giggling at the realization - how the night lamp from neighbor's terrace, shining on me like a spot light and how with all my shake-it-off gestures, the neighbour's would feel I may probably the live streaming of of one of Mr. Bean's show. 

Well, then I had to continue with my walk and a thought crossed my mind, what was it that use to bring me ease on such walks? And I looked-up at the sky. No matter what time or day of my life, this sky has always been my constant and shelter, my sounding board and my guiding canvas. I continued to walk with my head held up, towards the sky and saw a few birds heading back home, some bats, few grey and late Herons (I could identify from their silhouette). And the chatter in mind stopped, heart was at peace, in the moment and body tired and sleepy.

Just before greeting goodnight to the sky, I looked-up for one final time and had this deep urge and longing to see the Brahminy Kite. Which are a very rare-sight. And this time its been so long that it made a visit to me. I consider them as an auspicious presence which would fill me with ecstasy and my eyes would be glued to the sky following their calming flight trajectory

I use to often spot them in te afternoons, while washing clothes on terrece or during early evenings from my balcony which overlooks the vast sky in a panaromic view, where I would be having my evening tea.  . I always loved their carefree fight and have developed a special bond with them.

And that night, I requested the kite to pay me a visit and that I am missing seeing it. 

This morning it quietly appeared amongst other kites and I stood elated - filled with awe.


From Gentle Hands to Brushed Aside: A Lesson in Lost Sensitivity

I have been avoiding writing about this event that pulled my attention inwardly, on the lack of sensitivity for tiny living beings.

Growing up, in a joint family setup, I have had the privilege of absorbing (mostly unconsciously) some certain religious beliefs and customs, including ways in which one love and live life with the ecosystem around.

For instance, my grandmother was extremely loving, jovial and deeply understanding. She was very devoted to clean surroundings and I have seen how Diwali cleaning would literally mean deep cleaning; with every nook and corner of a household of 13 members being looked at. The biggest and longest project would be kitchen. Though it meant grueling times for my Mom and aunts, it was the most fun exercise for me.

Among other kids, being the closest one to Grandmother, I was also her right hand. I can say our vibes matched :). I would be the helping hand for tasks that needs some acrobatic (or say Monkey :P) skills like climbing the wooden stool, mopping the fan with a piece of discarded sock worn over a wooden brush with bristles (usually used to clean bedsheets), or to clean any top shelves, a showcase or even the top surface of a cabinet like wooden temple mounted on a wall. With the showcase, it was like a Pandora's box. If we stumbled upon any long-lost item or a forgotten one, there would be numerous stories that would pour out from recalling those episodes

I used to thoroughly enjoyed it all and the feeling of accomplishment after seeing my Grandmother's happy face was out of this world. Well...that was about Diwali cleaning.

There is another event I recall about the eldest of my Aunt who was deeply devoted and followed all the Jain rituals with discipline and she would do daily Pratikaman which is supposed to be done twice a day. And I would observe her dedication and devotion...and use to think she probably got it from her parents. I had met them and they were the most simplest of all yet the kindest.

My eldest Aunt, she is and the most disciplined and detached but extremely adjusting in her nature and also the most considerate among all the other ladies in the house. With all the knowledge that she would share with me, I always felt there are very few people who understood her...but felt she was blessed to have the most loving and caring Husband (my Bade papa). I recall from my childhood that whenever she would sit to do the Pratikaman, before putting the mat on the floor, she would makesure to sweep the floor with a white soft wool broom with a small loop handle. This was done to avoid harming any tiny insects.

Also, growing-up I have seen how we would never hurt any mice or any other insects like lizard or cockroaches but we would rather capture them and release them in the open grounds...far away from the home.

What nudged me to write blogpost was - this incident that took place three days back. At my BLR residence, I was in the kitchen making me some snacks (got hungry after my commute from office). From my kitchen, what I saw was an active black patch on the opposite wall, the one next to main entrance door of the house. The instant feeling was that of ugh! :(

With a knife in my one hand and broomstick in the other, I rushed closer to find that there is a whole colony of tiny humble black ants..each holding a white tiny cotton ellipse-like ball with it....but out of anger or disgust, I thought brushing them with broom would be the best and I can straight away land them out of my home in one powerful broom stroke and that's what I did! the next moment I realized, I was such a fool to have thought they would be obedient and will go as per my plan! rather, half of them landed on my foot!!

And then what, the next moment I stomped on some of them in my effort to shoo them away from over my foot, but all in vane. The rest of them have already sensed the panic and the whole colony was all over the floor of my living room. I was heart broken coz I never intended to hurt them but I couldn't control my irritation and felt disgusted about me. My neighbor was around and her sister said...just put some sugar or rice grains and they will disappear in few mins. This was the exact moment I was nostalgic, (remembering something similar growing-up and we would add wheat flour and not hurt a single insect), I was sad and teary eyed for killing some of those innocent insects and their babies, I was disgusted with myself for making a mountain out of an anthill (read - molehill). And I questioned myself, how this rushed-up life has changed me to be less sensitive :(.

I pray for those tiny life which were lost that day...May God bless their soul and bless me with compassion to be a little gentler in general with self and others.

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Journey to a sacred place (Chidambaram) turned into a Dance Odyssey

Since my last post, my mind has been stealing moments amidst the hectic travels, meeting families, close relatives, kids, attending functions and rituals – all to reminisce about last June (2023) and recall every small detail about my visit to the Chidambaram temple.

A part of my journey was captured in my last post, where I talked at length about meeting a little girl named Sinduja on my bus journey from Pondicherry to Chidambaram. I also mentioned how I missed my destination and was dropped a bit ahead of my stop.

I started walking back towards the temple. On my left, a narrow passage led towards a huge entrance gate – the front gate of the temple. The passage was lined with small shops selling puja items, juices, and holy threads. The closest one to the temple gate was a "paid" shoe rack where all visiting devotees left their footwear, and I did the same.

**It was a sunny day, and the heat was unbearable. With bare feet, one could almost feel like they were being asked to walk on hot coals – bottoms up!""

I stepped towards the main entrance and touched the groundsill (a gesture to seek blessings from Mother Earth and pay respect to this holy land). I was overwhelmed by the magnificent architecture ahead of me, contrasting with the simplicity of the people around me – a complete paradox. From the exterior, no one could gauge the magnificence of the temple, its courtyard, or the lore it embodies.

I was also deeply grateful for this dream come true. Every detail spoken about this temple, by my colleague was ringing in my head. The excitement of exploring a new place all by myself was unparalleled, yet there was a deep sense of familiarity that unfolded with each step. Within that short time, my mind also recalled how meeting Sinduja had already marked the journey with such blissfulness, thanks to the knowledge she shared about the art form Bharatanatyam and it's association with the temple god, Nataraja.

What had made me curious to visit this place was when my colleague mentioned the geological significance - CHIDAMBARAM is the centre point of earth's magnetic equator and out of the Pancha Bootha Sthalams (are the five Shiva temples that represent the primary elements of earth, water, air, fire, and space) this temple reflects the space element. And how one can attain a speedy spiritual growth due to this space element. 

Today, as I write this post, I recall the astonishing facts I came across during my research (likely found through Google Search) about this temple. One such question that piqued my interest was: "*What is the spiritual significance of Chidambaram temple?"

It represents the exuberance of creation, the dance of creation which self-created itself from the eternal stillness. Nataraja standing in Chidambaram is very symbolic because what you call as Chidambaram is just absolute stillness. That is what is enshrined in the form of this temple." 

...and how I had to force myself to stop and pull back each time. The whole exercise of roping each event from my memory was resurrecting the journey in my heart. It almost felt like being on a pilgrimage.

In-fact, I could continue to key-in this blogpost only by listening to the Nadaswaram. 🙏

Back at the temple, I took my first step inside, and my ears were greeted with  soulful music  (timestamp: 6:12). I later learned it's called Nadaswaram. The music didn't just touch my eardrums but my soul in a way that anchored my being. An invisible string of drum-rolls seemed to pull me, and my steps began to find their own course towards the source of the music somewhere inside the temple.

The surrounding courtyard was unlike anything I'd ever witnessed, and the music echoed within it. It filled me with a feeling of home, celebration, and liberation from any heaviness in my heart or mind. Halfway through, I noticed a group of dancers on my left. All of them were women aged 18 and up, clad in vibrant red Bharatanatyam costumes. The sight was enthralling, accentuated by the raw grey stone courtyard floor. From a distance, a few young girls gracefully walked towards the group, their ankle bells marking their steps with a beautiful sound in the temple premises. Collectively, it all felt like a celebration of some sort, taking place on a regular day. I felt even more elated to be present there.

Thereon, I followed a family walking ahead of me, visited the main temple, attended the Aarti (morning prayers), and received Lord's Darshana. While lost in my thoughts and the beauty surrounding me, amidst the gathered devotees, I saw a tall, bearded man (around 45 years old) walking in, dressed in casual white kurta-pyjama but carrying a briefcase. His body language clearly indicated a connection to music, and it dawned on me that the briefcase might hold a harmonium. There have been many times in my life when I've met or seen people and felt an instant connection, and the same was true with this man's presence. However, my attention was drawn back to the ongoing prayers.

While doing Pradakshina, I saw a few more dancers, an elderly man (seemingly the master), and a lady in a beautiful blue-pink silk saree with a border; joining the gentleman. Sensing a possible performance at the temple premises, and with childlike curiosity, I followed the dance troupe everywhere they went. A few cameramen were also there, probably wondering what was wrong with me (^_^). But I simply couldn't resist my curiosity, especially at the abode of Nataraja, the God of Dance. Every event that unfolded began to feel like a blessing.

Shortly after the main prayer, the dance troupe walked around the long temple corridor and chose a corner of the inner periphery. This position allowed them to face the main deity while they performed. However, just as they were about to begin, they had to pause abruptly. A senior priest from temple, carrying a replica of the main idol, led a procession followed by musicians and other junior priests chanting mantras. This procession circled the temple three times before the idol was placed back in the sanctum sanctorum.

The dispersed troupe regrouped and began rearranging the musical instruments, microphones, and mats. They set up a place for the lead singer in the front row and another for the main dance instructor (master). Meanwhile, the student girls lined up in order of seniority, with the most experienced dancer at the front, ready to perform Bharatanatyam.

While everyone was busy, I took the opportunity to approach the lady in the saree. I introduced myself and asked her about the whole setup. "What's going on here?" I inquired. "Is there an upcoming function you're all practicing for? Or is this some kind of event for social media? (Because two cameramen were following you all along...)"

Surprised and curious, I almost forgot I was in a temple. The familiarity I felt with the scene deepened. The kind lady explained that this was a landmark event for all the graduating Bharatanatyam students. As a mark of respect and to seek blessings, the students traditionally perform for Lord Nataraja first. To my surprise, all of them were Malaysians except for the main dance master, who hailed from Tamil Nadu but had relocated to Malaysia long ago.

The lady was very soft-spoken and friendly. We even clicked pictures together. During our exchange of greetings, a gesture of hers touched my heart. I still find it hard to believe the circumstances that conspired for me to be there at that moment. The lady placed a tilak (ash mark) on my forehead and with humble words explained that I held great significance for her and her troupe. Although I initially thought I was just an extra audience member in the background, her words touched deeply. She explained that since they were in the temple of the 'Dance God', offering the grace of Bharatanatyam to the Divine, my presence as their first audience made me, in a way, equivalent to a divine presence. I stood there speechless, filled with awe.

The lady rushed back to join the rest of the troupe for the performance. With a smile, she bid me farewell. They arranged themselves in a semicircle on the corridor floor. The lead singer, positioned in the center with a microphone, was flanked on her right by the master, who would sing the solfege or make clapalongs. The harmonium player sat at the far right, with the remaining musicians to her left. I found myself a perfect spot on a nearby platform, offering a spectacular view of the entire setup – undoubtedly better than what the cameramen could capture.

The lady soon waved to the students, and the rest of the troupe was ready to begin the performance. The echoing melody and the rhythmic clinking of the ankle bells transformed the corridor into a magical space. In that moment, I was undoubtedly the guest of honor, sharing in the divine grace of Shiva and witnessing this breathtaking display of artistic devotion.

This post would be incomplete if I do not share the meaning of word (*Source - Google Search Bharatanatyam* -derived by joining two Sanskrit words: 'Natyam' meaning dance and 'Bharata' which is a mnemonic containing 'Bha' (bhava/emotions), 'Ra' (raga/melody), and 'Ta' (tala/rhythm). Thus, Bharatanatyam means a dance that expresses Bhava, Raga, and Tala.




(And this day - 30th June 2024, marks the victory of Indian Cricket Team in - ICC MENS T20 WORLD CUP 2024💖)

Saturday, June 15, 2024

A girl named Sindhuja who introduced me to Bharatham (Bharathnatyam)

(Resumed this post on 8th June 2024 at BLR airport.....the actual date it started and was left midway was 29th june 2023)

This Pondicherry trip was all about soul's calling, and today (10th June 2023) was the time to tick the most awaited one on my callings list. 

I woke up around four in the morning. Stationed at a sea-facing accommodation of The Park guesthouse, I stayed in my bed with eyes closed, soaking in the sounds around me, especially the sea waves crashing off the stones on a waning moon period. It was a blissful feeling.

Today, I planned to visit Chidambaram temple of Lord Natraja and had purposely chosen it to be on Saturday as it is Shiva's/ Shani Bhagwan (God's) day. By around five, I started to get ready. The day felt calmer with it being a weekend but my mind was buzzing  with excitement to embark on this journey to a new region - my very first among the locals and on local transportations - Tamilnadu Bus transportation. 

What added more vigour was the rich history and cultural belief that I learned a few days ago, from a colleague while we shared a cab ride back from office to home.

The temple is sprawls across approximately 40 acres in the city of Chidambaram ("stage of consciousness"), located at earth's equator, making it more elevated in terms of consciousness. A Google search beautifully elaborated: "The name of the town of this shrine, Chidambaram comes from the Tamil word Chitrambalam (also spelled Chithambalam) meaning 'wisdom atmosphere'. The roots are citta or chitthu, means consciousness or wisdom, and ambalam means 'atmosphere'. 

This name and place touched a chord in my heart. I felt a spark of joy, reassured by my colleague's words: "It could be your calling. Else, no one gets to be there unless it's an invitation from the Lord". I was awestruck and deeply grateful, realizing incredibly magical to receive a message through Divine channels - and here it was, through my colleague. Such events has happened several times on past journeys where I met this colleague, and we discussed at length not just the location but also emotions, meditations, spiritual practices, Ooty, Pondicherry, temples etc 

Back in Pondy, I got ready and stepped out of The Park guesthouse with my backpack stuffed with a few travel essentials: a water bottle, wallet and Kindle.  I was about to take a left turn towards the Auto parking to catch one, but as I stepped out of the main gate, I saw the rising sun shining brightly. It warmed my face and exposed parts of my body. The gentle kiss of the  the morning breeze and the sound of waves carried a message for my heart to "listen". This compelled me to change direction and head towards my right to the Rock beach (promenade or Gandhi Beach). I sat on a black rock and let the deep gratitude surface in my being. My heart thanked Mother Nature, The beach/ Sea God, and those waves for making my trip so soulful, unfolding with amazing soul-lifting experiences -  people, places, walks in the town, deep conversations with the sea (one like this today), food, and even the upcoming trip to Chidambaram. In my heart, I bowed down in gratitude, sought blessings of Sea God, and started towards the bus stand.

New nouns - people, place, things or ideas - always put me in a bit of a rush and cause anxiety. With that, I reached the uncrowded Pondicherry bus depot. I spotted a few buses parked along the zig-zag platforms, and then my eyes was hooked at one point, seeing a few young girls dresses in Bharatanatyam dancer costumes. Some of them were accompanied by their mothers or someone elderly. The bus stand never felt this colorful and lively, but it was short-lived as my mind was interrupted by the time check, I needed to commence my Journey sooner to be able to catch my evening train from Pondicherry back to  Bangalore. But something in my heart said, "I am up for a eventful day today"💝

I approached the ticket counter to inquire about the earliest and direct bus to Chidambaram, but my natural instinct directed me towards a bus conductor standing nearby. He informed me that  direct buses to Chidambaram are limited on Saturndays and that for a quicker journey, I should board a bus to Cuddalore leaving in next 15 minutes, followed by another bus to Chidambaram. I had no choice but to follow his instructions. It was still early morning,  and I was fasting. I thought it would be better to have some snacks as backup, if I start to feel famished.

Looking for a canteen, I was disappointed. Soon, the bus signaled for boarding.Approaching the bus, I joined the queue behind a young girl named Sindhuja. Her demeanor was composed and humble, suggesting someone easy to talk to. Her eyes sparkled with the same kind of passion for a dream held close to heart. (similar to, that I use to have in earlier years of my life :))

Dressed in a colorful saree, wrapped in a Bharatanatyam dancer's costume and gracefully adorned with gold jewelry from head to toe, she was a blissful treat for the eyes. Her makeup accentuated her expressions. She was waiting to board the bus with her mom, and something urged me to ask them about the route and how to best navigate my journey, including any connecting buses. Her mom assured me this was the earliest bus and that I could board as well. (This is my personal learning: sometimes locals know best and are more reliable than internet information.)

While selecting seats, I took the seat right ahead of Sindhuja's mom and I saw that she  insisted Sindhuja to sit next to me. I was waiting for the bus to commence the journey so that I  can ask her all about her journey etc.

Embarked on an odyssey, there I was with Sindhuja. The baby girl and a dancer. Lover of Shiva who by her dance wants to meet Shiva.

Conversations with her, left me wondering - how such tender life can be so insightful. She educated me about her dance exams and how they are conducted, a bit about different levels that a Dancer scaleup to.
I adored the way she said - Bharatham and She explained the significance of the dance form. I felt magical in her presence and deeply sensed as if she was introduced to me by seer planning of the Divine. Sindhuja also introduced me to the lord of Dance - Natraja. She explained a bit about Jiva and Jin. With that spark in her eyes she shared a bit about 'Karuna' the youngest girl in her dance class and how she loved her.

Switching from topics of dance, to lord, to devotion and to her alcoholic father's demise earlier this year and how wearing Rudraksha in the belief that her devotion and elevated being will be protected. She also shared that in her devotion to Lord Shiva, she has left consuming Non-veg food and is encouraging her mother to avoid it too

She also had a chance to perform with a group of dancers from her dance academy (Sri Udhayam Natiyalaya) for a renowned Tamil TV channel and the group performance was greatly appreciated by judges. I too loved watching the rushed video of powerful dance performance and was left speechless.

I had totally lost the track of time and while we were discussing how her close nit dance 
group fell apart due to misunderstandings, jealousy,  mean behaviour among the members the bus conductor gestured (as I do not understand Tamil language) at me in a rushed way that I have already missed my stop;  and I have arrived at Chidambaram and that signal took me by complete surprise and I froze for a moment as the whole bus was looking at me at the back seat.

In that panic and embarrassment, I couldn't even turn back to see-off Sindhuja and express my deepest gratitude for her time, sharing and so much of warmth that she expressed towards me. A part of me still questions...was I dreaming, was I in conversations with my younger self...what connected me so deeply with her? And the best part is - I made a metal note when I seeked her introduction. Sindhu ( drawn from Sindoor) + Ja (some french connection as she was born and brought at pondicherry).

Sharing a little video from my journey.



(More details about another magical unfolding in my next post...)

Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Solitude & The Song



Bhutan | Dec 21. 2015 

Solitude & the Song (that resonated with the vibes of Bhutan..and are still alive in my heart💝)

May be somewhere this pic help me associate and re-live this peace, a sense of complete safety and blessing in my surroundings.

(Google Search)

What is the meaning of Chamba folk song?
It's a simple and pure song about love. 

A girl is asking her mother how far Chamba is, because that is where her beloved lives. It is said 
that “Nature has music for those who listen..” thus the song of Chamba is a blend of love and nature, which enchants the listener with its melody

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Magnitude and the multitude

I needed an answer to my unexplained anxiety which I have been feeling since long but it has gotten too frequent these days. I feel as if my throat is chocked all day and swallowing feels a task, at times I have to induce vomiting so that I can feel a sense of ease in my throat or distract myself with 'The Great Indian Kapil show ', some peppy songs, at times hot chocolate or just gazing at the night sky and traces of moving clouds from my open terrace.

Sometimes it's funny, yet exhausting, to not be able to identify what we feel and gets even more complex if it's rather a flood of emotions, completely consuming the ease.

Many-a-times, there are these underlining deep and un-healed or even unattended hurt, trauma, that gets triggered with something so trivial and the source of such triggers go unnoticed. And sometimes it's the healing that is taking place with the surfacing deep stored feelings and thoughts.

Yes , it gets exhausting...not denying the heaviness and unhealthy sobs.

As always, Google search is my best buddy in such times; my friend in need. One who is available physically and emotionally, one that is considerate and non-judgmental...and offcourse so patient with me :)

I tried hard to settle down and do a quick check-in with self and what surprised me was the heaviness of defeat (probably) I am still carrying in my heart...the defeat of being Ghosted.

Probably my ego is wounded too and I am still in denial of that. I went ahead and searched on Google...

"Why do I feel anxious after being ghosted?

Ghosting takes away the opportunity to talk and process, which can allow healing. But without conversation, it can cause someone to question their worth, what they did wrong and [if] the person ever really like[d] them. This can lead to trauma and other severe emotions like depression or anxiety."

Why am I so upset about being ghosted?

"Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection," says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. "It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years

This then lead me to a cosmo blog which further dwelled into why any particular gender would ghost the other and different real-life scenarios from different age groups.

The new awareness from all this knowledge helped me make peace with myself but I am still far away from dealing with this multitude of Trauma and it can takeover anytime and leave me more damaged than I have been. It troubles me to the point that I ask myself over and over - Did I deserve this? ...and the self critique, agrees to it.

I am possibly also going thru a phase of victim mindset... but that's ok... atleast that is something familiar to me. 🤗

And I signoff with a self reminder...this too shall pass...Breath...be kind to yourself...