Home which SHE can call her nest

It was a busy morning and a long day at work. I had many seniors leaders visiting the city with a packed schedule and I have to make sure that I stay on top of my work.

As a usual routine, I spend at least 15 minutes to meditate asa I reach office.

Today was no different except a deep unsettling feeling, such that I was struggling to stay put or attend to the meditation guidelines. At a point, inner voice guided attend to the emotion and I took a deep breath, observed the feeling I felt in the body, near chest. After staying with it for some time I just allowed myself to let the core feeling surface and help me come back to normalcy.

To my surprise - It didn't take me long and immediately, the picture of everybody at home and what my aunty (badi mummy) had shared a night before.. while on video call that the house was lit and decorated more like as if it's Diwali. Decorative lights and oil lamps were lit too, neighbor's were asking what special and my uncle (bade papa) said our daughters are coming home 🏠.

Knowing about this loving gesture, even writing about it made me choke with mixed emotions. Of what they go thru when we aren't there, what makes them love us so deep and so much that our hearts will be full for lifetimes, irrespective of their differences with others at home... When it comes to kids/girls it's only love, nothing else. I had to take time to feel the emotions and attend to it else I would have struggled  for the whole day.

With eyes closed, I thanked those loving hearts 💕 and send them more love, joy and health. May every girl be blessed and have a family like this ... a home filled with love which she can call her nest.

Only love, grace and gratitude🙏💝

Have I healed?

So I watched this movie - the Kerala story, a few days back. Obviously, I could not have mustered the courage to watch it alone hence, went with a friend.

Having the presence of the friend by my side somewhere kept me floating, floating in a way that the story line was not something I was getting dunked into ... which usually happens with me in case of intense story-line 

And surely, I thought I would have knot kind of heavy feeling in my gut based on all the reviews I had read or pictured in my head but surprisingly I came out ditatched... definately - not completely; but to major extent.

At this, I was surprised with myself and asked was this an affect from the PLRT I had done recently or that I was too prepared mentally but then there was one visual that left a bit of uncomfortable feeling which I really had to struggle to make peace with... that of women being used as S_x slaves and the dialogue that the scars that rips the souls (for many lives to come) and not just the body. I wondered if I have healed or am I still trapped in a pattern of thinking and feeling a certain way?

These thoughts took me back to a few instances and my mind and heart was at a combat. Heart wanted to ignore but mind caught the facts that lay bare infront of my own eyes and in experience....How do I still stay calm and make peace with the memories, the never ending conflicting thoughts and feelings all about - in the name of love, in the name of belonging, in the name of mine, the ownership of another in a relationship....It makes me question have we - humans lost the beauty and purity of being in love? Of experience Love inside out, not the other way?

Well I haven't found my answers yet or may don't want to as day by day it's all becoming useless and I have had lived enough and long and so deeply that it's ok to let that be. 

All I pray that the hearts stay tuned to the greater beauty of respect and kindness or that of giving them owning of that of trusting than being vengeful. And may this earth continue to grow to be a blessed and better place with each passing moment🙏.

Goodnight.

Maa teri aankho ...

 मां तेरी आंखों में आज वो खुशी देखी,

रूह को नम करदे वो नमी देखी ।

तेरी वो एक चुम्मी से मन खिल सा गया,

आज तेरे चेहरे पे वो – कई सालों पहले वाली मम्मी देखी।

(Me and mummy were on video call while I was at the office. Generally, while talking, she remembered to ask if I transferred some amount to her account and I said yes, it gets credited every month which was a surprise to her and she covered her face with one hand in shock and in wonder and all here transitory expressions at that moment we're so heart touching and I captured that in the above words)

When a Pigeon trusted me with it's wellbeing

 

A sense of maternal town came flooding back

Yesterday my maternal uncle had called to ask me - Tanu if you have time over this weekend and can visit a person at a Government Hospital and if needed, to extend monetary help in my capacity.

To today.

I had just entered the main entrance of Victoria hospital, one closer to the Metro station and headed towards the other gate closer to the children's ward and ICU unit, following Google location shared by Krishna.

On reaching the location, I called Krishna and he said he had seen me and was coming towards me. I turned my head sideways and to my left..a few steps away, I saw him waving at me. He came closer and bowed down as a gesture to touch my feet - a customary greetings from the younger to elderly or a way of expressing respect; it was the later in my case as definitely I wasn't elder to him in anyway but I was the maternal Niece from the town he worked at and he was related to my maternal uncle. In that native (Seoni, Banapura) there is a saying and belief that a Nephew is considered equal to hundred Bhramins and in my case it's the Neice.

Krishna is a daily wager and knows farming. He was working with my maternal uncle at  farm and was in Bangalore to get his two and a half month baby treated who is admitted to ICU for a operation gone wrong.

At that gesture of he bowing down to touch my feet flooded me with feelings and a sense of responsibility towards the place I grew-up, towards such innocent and deeply courageous individuals who sleep under the sky,  on the lap of mother earth and breath to live nothing else; unlike me to earn, eat or dream any fancies of life. They look after mother earth and surrender to her wholeheartedly and are such elevated souls with deeper acceptance for life - such that detachment to materialistic needs comes so easy to them. 

Populace in whom the culture is itched on one's soul such that  he considered me one amongst his own irrespective of it being connected by blood or not at all. Or even haven't ever known or met.

I was and am deeply stirred and wondered what did I do to have been bestowed with so much respect and trust?

Traces on the trails

With no clear direction...I started off this post, I am at the brim of such confusion that I couldn't even decide on a title. At one moment I wanted to complete few old pending posts more from my Ooty travel (last year) but at next, I want to brain-dump all about my eventful life of past few months and then I thought of taking a good note of breezy cool summer evenings but then it rained here (Bangalore) since last three days and summer disappeared and so were my thoughts and at last I thought of taking a stalk of my long weekend and all the self discoveries that I have had in the very recent days....

When there is so much to engage with life at times feel too overwhelming with a certain unseen rush and then the age adds to it...precisely for a girl (per the Doctors, not me).

Anyways, let's look deeper into how am I feeling and how am I really doing in my life. As a continuation to one of my post about past life regression session, I recall that I had filled a form before the session began; it had very clear statement of what is my pattern that I wish to release and gracefully some memories of certain events made me realise my core belief of that of Struggle. Ease is something I do not believe I can experience and If I experience it, I distrust which leads to unconsciously me adding some element of struggle to it. It all may seem so very dramatic but the inner life of beliefs are such thick chains to cut that only I know. Had also written that I want to flow with life easily and effortlessly with grace.

While I was resting this noon, I played some audio from Louise hay and while I was about to slip into a deep nap in my heart I had the urge to check with myself if I even accept myself in totality...with all it's flaws and blessings. The scars, one from this life as far as I can remember to those I carry from the past lives....(when I have all the reasons to believe with the signs I was shown), those that I see and is only known to me to one that the world had perceived me as, do I feel safe within my own skin, my being, my thoughts, my wishes, my likings and deep in my heart? The answer is a simple straightforward NO!. 

And then, I question myself - why?, how do I feel about it? or with that refusal within.....
And right now as I write this, I know my chest feels terribly heavy and breathless. It is hard and tough. The answer to that Why, I may not know or mostly I dread dwelling into it, it hurts. The traces I find, goes back to the days of my childhood days. [a long deep breath and a promise to self, i had accepted and I let go what is no longer support my being]. .....

to be continued....

Humpty Dumpty types fall

So I had to write this to feel relieved from the pain I am experience in the heart and also right thumb because I fell off from my bike in a very dramatic way infront of a veggie store and I was ignored (or i feel it that way😢 coz there was a Missing piece of stone block at the store front walkway.

Later I went to fill petrol and I wasn't sure if I would even be able  to ride my bike that far...but thankfully I could.

There were lot of thoughts running in my head and I had to fix something to get me out of those thoughts so while returning I thought of buying new shoes for my hiking tomorrow....

Actually it all started with another new set of shoes which I had bought online .. colour looked good but I wasn't sure if I will be able to use them for trekking and was a bit panicked as I dint have any other shoes either. 

Something was off with the fitting of the shoes which I got online. And while leaving home itself I had some unsettled feeling which was also triggered by the below message in the evening,  from a friend whom I have had a rough exchange of words this morning.....

(Hmmm... I am still on my way...Just FYI... Something came up yesterday evening due to which I am extremely disturbed... I am not myself and taking time to realign)

Jumping a few events forward one strange thing I noticed, while I was searching from one brand to another for my shoes I had this urge to check what it means to injure ones thumb (from Louise L. Hays books : you can heal your life) and shockingly It says : thumb represents intellect and worry and the affermation to heal was suggested as : my mind is at peace.

This very moment I am laughing in my heart that who in their right mind will not be at peace after having a glorious Humpty Dumpty fall 😅 (but thumb hurts and has become fluffy baby🤕). Aaj mujhe apne thumb ki value pata chal gayi.... everytime it hurts I knew I have to thank it all this years of partnership and ease in my day to day events right from chopping veggies by a holding the knife a certain way and not using a chopping board, to dressing up to even using a key in the 🚪 lock....