Liberation

3/8

Friend:

I want him to move on ru

Can't see him suffering like this

Everytime he screams Amma, it's heart wrenching

Me:

He will S.... When it's his time

Just pray. Ur dharma here is to be around with him

Facilitate him in his journey.

I know it's toughest.

But still....

U feeling and thinking it as 'suffering' is worrisome

He has to take his journey

Let him

And when it's right time... he will pass in it's totality and acceptance.

3/9

I wokeup this morning and stayed in my bed for a while wondering what is it that I am feeling and what would I want to do during my day...

And since I am visiting home, I have noticed my heart always beats as if it is dancing to the tune of some hard rock music. I wonder why, why is there so much palpitations and a fear that lingers all thru... somewhere I knew my answers and somewhere not yet...

I then stepped out and entered kitchen to take some warm water and ask my bade papa if he would want tea. As per his daily routine, he and my Badimaa visits sthanak ( a holy place of worship for shwetambar Jains, a hall sort with basic amenities and mostly no fan of lights..as per Jainism) from 8.45am to 10.20am. Today my Badimaa was travelling for some religious gathering and bade papa asked me to join him for the daily morning Discourse by the visiting Satiyaji (Lady maharasab).

I hesitantly said yes but then I let myself feel free to cherish such rare occurance and events in my life.

I took shower, got ready, had a few sip of tea and started with a 'Muh Patti' in one hand. Before leaving home, I had messaged and informed my friend that I might be away from phone for an hour or so...just incase I am needed...

May be this was from my own learnings that there are days in one's life when  knowing that someone is there for you is a big relief...

Me and bade Papa reached sthanak in about 15 mins. There were just two people in the hall... one elderly uncle sitting on the side where all gents would sit and he was wearing his Pooja attire (a white dhoti and another white cloth to cover upper body) and to the far end of the hall, against the wall was one of the Satiyaji, she was was on her mat.

I helped my badepapa place the floor mat on the side where all ladies would sit and may join later, during the discourse. After this, Badepapa went to the corner room to change into pooja attire and keep aside his mobile phone etc. While I was entering the hall my heart was filled with a bit of guilt and fear of shame.. of not knowing much about the religion I am born in, I took a seat in the  the middle, along the long edge of that rectangular 8x5 ft mat. 

As I sat, I had many thoughts passing like clouds...one such thought was to seek some blessings from the Satiyaji for my friend's ailing Dad.... battling last stage Prostate Cancer. With each day the disease taking it's toll, testing the Human grit and also the trauma their loved ones goes thru...

The very recent picture that I saw broke my heart. I sobbed uncontrollablely.... strangely, I had only met that person once...that too may be twelves years back but still I donno what hit me so hard. I guess a bit of my heart sinked-in knowing the pain my friend must be dealing with; seeing the only person he felt belonged to and loved so much, the only source of his inspiration and his strength, one who stood by him in toughest of the times of his life... helpless and retiring from life. With savings running dry, with his own health going for a toss due to Sleeplessness and stress, from struggling to meet a promiss he has made to his Dad but time and life had it's own plan.

While sitting in that Hall, for a moment I felt so selfish for 'asking'. But then, I got along with the discourse...in the hope that I might get some answers for myself. Partially, yes, the discourse had some element that talked about the bhav (भाव –related to intent) and chitt (चित्त – related to the Body).

 At the end of that one hour, after the chorus of devotional prayers, discourse etc, when we were all taking leave, I went close to the Satiyaji with muh-patti on (mouth cover with white cloth), I bowed down to the elder one and it felt as if they can gauge the depth of one's heart...we both looked into eachother eyes and we both had a softness in our gaze...more like that of being able to share something deep and being heard.... I felt so safe in that presence, I requested her to visit home for Gochri (a practice of walking to Jain family homes (preferably) that meets the criteria of 'susta', at a certain time of the day to collect food as alms) and she simply replied with the explanation on why she isn't able to come to that side of the town.

It was a sweet meet.

I then respectfully bowed down to her and took leave. On my way out of that hall, met a few elderly uncle and aunty who wouldn't have recognised me since I haven't visited sthanak in many years... atleast in my own hometown. It was somewhat weired but also soothing to connect and introduced myself.

All this time, my badepapa had already changed from his Pooja attire to pant shirt and left the hall.  He was waiting near his two wheeler for me to join him. We started back for home, I got a few calls from distant relatives and was on it, all thru during the ride.

As soon as I reached home, I realised I hadn't checked my messages and my phone was still on airplane mode and I was using my badepapa's phone all this while. 

Then I got busy with helping mom in the kitchen, doing a bit of office work and then lunch....after lunch, I was feeling a bit sleepy but unable to let go the restless and palpitations...so I tuned to Yognidra....

I was in a deep state of rest while in yog nidra and something nudged me and I wokeup...and removed my phone from DND mode. I see the below message from my friend :

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Arun just called

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Dad's pulse stopped

[3/9, 2:25 PM] Going to hospital

[3/9, 2:34 PM] He moved on

I don't know what state I was in, I felt a bit relieved, felt surprised with the turn of events as all I was hearing that his horoscope says he would stay till April and seeing all the pain and failing conditions it was heart wrenching to even sink-in that longtime ...and yet, a tear formed in my eyes, without my knowledge...but I didn't want to cry because somewhere I know this would add karma to that soul.

I stay laid in my bed praying for the departed soul... And all that his body went thru, bearing the unbearable pain, the family who made sure to spend time near him during his last days.

Without caring for anything else.

My heart remembered the morning visit to sthanak and what my heart longed for, the realization of the prayer that I did not know I were praying, the liberation of the soul.... liberation of the dear one...from this wordly pains etc. 

In the evening, while litting a lamp, I remembered Satiyaji and deeply thanked them, I prayed for the soul that was so elevated. 🙏

Om Shanti.

Srirangam Temple visit - Part 2

Cont.

I reached Trichy railway station 20 mins late i.e around 7.30pm and the assigned auto driver had arranged another driver as he got another passenger and I had told him to not wait for me.

After a short waiting period, I got another auto driver and the journey from Trichy to Srirangam began....It was getting dark and the breeze was soothing, but I met heavy traffic...:(. I usually like to feel the breeze of a new place on my face and breath it....the ease that one feels when on a holiday, for me, it onsets with the breeze of that land.

Along with the breezing auto, and changing surroundings i.e. from isolated quite lanes to busy glittering markets, heavily crowded pathways with everyone rushing in and out of shops. It made me think if Valentine's Day has become a global affair.. painting the (with the horrible red, inmho ♥️) innocent roots of villages of India :). (Not that I saw roses or hearts being exchanged....it was something my mind cooked up, just now). 

Frankly, I had forgotten all about it being a valentine's day untill the very end of the day when a pen friend (one I have known for more than 19 yrs, but never met) who wished me - Happy valentine's day. A customary and respectful exchange of greeting to appreciate this bond of friendship.

After a while the auto driver was crossing a bridge that connects Srirangam and Trichy and it was a broad, quite and concrete bridge. There was a river flowing underneath it and that night I learned that Srirangam temple is located on an island sort landscape, in Tamilnadu.

On that dark passage, at the speed with which auto driver was flying, everything outside was more like a blurred film, at one point I felt my eyes saw something bright amidst the dark sky and when I shifted towards the right of the auto-seat, to take a closer look I peeped outside and saw the full moon!

A big, bright, shiny ball with a soft aura, moving along as if the spotlight was on it, all thru. The reflection of it on the patches of river water which were bright because of the moon light looked more scenic and I was left in awe. That moment marked the welcome for me. 

A passage connecting two landmarks, of moment, a path in the journey of life, few memories, many emotions....all painted with love and bliss.

by a big ball of light on the right.

The auto stopped near the hotel I had my reservations at. The entrance of the hotel was simple and quite or may be I expected it to be a well lit, big entrance with hussle bustle of the visitors..given next day was Saturday, considered to be the day of the temple deity. 

Nevertheless, I met Mr. Krishnan who was waiting for me at the reception and for some reason was super excited to see me. He took a selfie with me and shared it with my friend saying that 'his daughter has arrived and will be looked after well'. I personally wasn't comfortable...I sensed something weired. 

He then collected the hotel room keys from reception and came along upstairs to show me the assigned room...he unlocked the room and entered in..I stood outside. I peeped into the room and it was a dual occupancy room with two cots places parallel with side tables inbetween. Before entering the room, I gestured him to either take the seat at sofa or wait for me downstairs....and I guess my body language was more stern than my words. He got the clue. He said sure, will be downstairs.

I got in the room after he left and locked in. Took a few deep breaths and sat at one of the city in the middle of the room. I spared the other one, closer to the window for me to sleep on...so that it's neat and tidy.

Asa I felt a bit at ease, I washed my face and hands and then took out my carryon bag and filled it with a water bottle, wallet and a book. I called up my friend after checking with him if I can call...I narrated the whole episode to him just to reconfirm that I am not overthinking and that my senses are not too alert with Mr. Krishnan. He told me to be very direct and open with him...and if at all I sense anything off, I should just part ways and be on my own...and not bother about the reference or him being elderly etc.

For a few mins, I just stood there as it in my room worried, clouded with many insecurities and thoughts which would rather freeze me but then I reminded myself about the whole intention behind my journey...and concentrated my focus on it.

I went downstairs and along with Mr. Krishnan  went to the next door tiny Dosa shop which was a homely food stall with fresh and crispy dosas, sambhar and chutney, they also had idlies 😍...and my heart lit up :)

I hogged on two Dosas and a idli and Mr. K took just one Masala Dosa. We decided will take a night walk in nearby lanes and just see the town before retiring for the day. And I agreed...afterall, I really needed a good walk in those quite lanes... something that feeds my soul and stories of my heart. 

We started with left of the hotel and then went around in a few lanes and he kept meeting people who knew him and talked about the land, the temple, himself, his brother's house and that both of them are disconnected... etc. at one point we returned back near the tiny food stall and walked past it...and I was taken aback when I saw a massive structure at a the end of that lane, partially lit in a way that only the edges were visible to me. There was a beautiful full moon adding a ancient charm to that whole scene...I was being pulled in that direction.. effortlessly. I rushed with my tiny eyes not ready to even blink...

Not even in my dreams I would have thought that my hotel would be at a walking distance from this Majestic architectural marvel. And what a time I landed there...a full moon night!!

I stood there just staring at the structure... sensing something familiar, Words of Mr.K faded away, I was still, in awe, in such shock and at the same time sheet joy! Wanted to just pause it all and surrender to that moment or take it all in....for as long as I can, with every element that is there in me and outside. 

We took a small walk till the main temple, crossing the busy street filled with shops of brass items, stones artifacts or kitchen utility stuff, sarees and other cotton clothing, flower vendors and hawkers, coffee roasters and resturants selling the fresh hot south Indian delicacies...

The whole lane had a uniquely earthing feeling to it. I was sinking in to my now...One step at a time. 

Mr. K offered to take a few pictures of me infront of the giant entrance structure...but all I wanted was to be left alone. He as also mentioned that instead of Auto, we would rather go on his two wheeler to roam around the city and in mind thoughts went back and forth - what about the auto rentals, about cabs or even local bus transportation or atleast a two wheeler on rent that I myself can ride?

His offer made me deeply uncomfortable and agitated.

He then said - "let's call it a night", "we have to start around 6:30 am the next morning and cover all temples, finish Poojas etc.". I also agreed and bid him bye and headed to my hotel with a bit of emotional baggage.

After getting back to my room, I changed into  comfy night wear clothes and was deciding on what dress I should wear next day morning...

I kept aside two options...a new saree, one gifted by my neighbour and a traditional Indian Salwar suit

In that moment I was recalling my neighbour's words right before she handed over that gift, asking me to guess what it could be..she hinted that it's something you Love but you do not wear....and I was like ...what could that be...(And gave some really silly responses, but couldn't crack it)

There was excitement, a weired nervousness that lingered for a while and a bit of anxiety with how the day would turnout tomorrow. Later, the exhaustion took over...and I headed to the other bed...one close to the curtains. Strangely, I never took time to go close to it and see what lies behind them...and now I was.

Before I sleep, I wanted to close that constant nudge in my head about Mr.K's offer and I had to put and end...I messaged him stating that I am not at all comfortable with sitting pillion with anybody and that I would rather prefer an auto ride or a walk or a solo ride...

He replied - 'thanks for being candid"; and agreed to take a walk to the main temple and take an auto post breakfast

And.... to my biggest surprise, the curtain was shielding a window sliding panels which opened straight towards the giant Architecture and with Moon lit so well...It was a breathtaking sight and sound deeply comforting. 

I opened the curtains and lay in my bed with lights in the room turned off and letting the moon brighten the night beautifully more...

Strangely, this full moon was reminding me of one of the imagery that flashed when I had taken a PLRT. And the whole sight infront of me nudged me and intrigued me to dwell deeper about the history of this temple, the past, beliefs, what all it survived etc.....and I picked up my phone to do a Google search. That search opened a plethora of informations in form of commonly asked questions and their answers stacked together...

I got to know a lot of information which I would otherwise have missed noticing, even while visiting the temple. My curiosity helped me prepare for the day ahead and it also grounded me and made me feel more privileged to be able to be visiting this temple...

I learned about Ramajunam's 900 yrs old mummified body, the history about the white color of Gopuram, certain beliefs like Narayana takes a tour of the town and visits his deciples at night

This particular piece of information satisfied my inquisition i.e. why did I felt a deep peacefulness near the giant entrance?

I had to force myself to settle down and get some rest. I changed my sleeping direction to be such that I get to face the moon and it's bright light fell on my face...not knowing that this magical experience would turn to be my Lullaby, heard thru the sleepy eyes (bright shining full moon) and bed to be my cradle ❤️

To be continued...