The chords : personal experience with Music and Love

If a musician hasn't experienced the whole spectrum of emotions, will s/he be able to produce the most soulful of the gifts for this world - That Music? One that is slowly nurtured, marinated in time, crafted in layers of essence, cultivated with the highs & lows of scales, one with a deep sense of partnership! such deep that the work translates itself as one's better-half ... A part of self.

Since long, a question was nudging me in my mind; repeatedly - is it possible to love the other with all that we have?.. with all possible complexities and challenges of life?  Events that are capable of even twisting the complete equation...

Is it possible? 

I wonder, especially for those souls and hearts, one who weren't as previledged to have experienced the depth of love firsthand; that delicate balance of love, of surrender and pride, of joy and hurts, of forward moves to sudden pauses...

 I resonated deeply with an insta post, that said: "Trauma heals in connection. Trauma is a violation of relationship and a connection fulfills it."

The question now, is -   what choice of connection?, Knowing fully well, that sometimes, the very choice one makes could unknowingly be also a trauma response. And strangely, there is this power within us - of 'making the choice': whether to continue or drop it all or grow together further in awareness.

And making a choice doesn't have to be unkind. Each individual in any relationship is also a seperate identity and this choice of one could definately be a challenge for the other party to navigate thru or even understand the weak foundation of relationship dwelled in trauma, immediately, more so when the course of life is way different. But my belief is - if the foundation was laid on open conversations, mutual trust and care, life will give opportunities to evolve in the partnership and then it is upto the involved individuals to walk along the journey of ease and that of course-correction.

I call such connections 'chords' in the music of my life❣️

And adding this song that I first heard from some stranger around Pondy beach and the tune stuck with me and the song is being played in loop now :)

To be understood...

Those days are weird when your mind is fogged and you can't point on one particular feeling that you are experiencing and identify that yeah this is what I am going thru....

My evening was somewhat similar and I shed some tears under the hot shower in bath, to ease my body and emotions... Realised I am missing my Daadi's (Grandmother) presence dearly! 

She was my safe space, my peace and would have answers to all my confusions and questions. How idiotic it is that someone who has left this earth long ago is suddenly on the top of one's memories, almost as if my heart is seeking her in and around the four walls of my house believing she may appear for me....and the reality hit me hard and I sob uncontrollably. I want to ask her why she left me, dint she care that I would need her?

May be she had a better purpose elsewhere because of the loving and kind being she was🫂. I recollect the buried memories of  her presence and my childhood with her. I never felt this way for her ...this void....this yearning....her death was peacefully accepted as she had lead her life blissfully and that stayed with me till date. Her presence in my life was my biggest blessings and I trust that I have had absorbed her teachings in everyway I could. But for some unknown reason it all is failing me today. How, like a bird, I gather the courage to build my humble nest for the day and the sudden blow of the winds of emotions, memories or triggers scatter it away and distroys it all. 

I feel mean for seeking her when I needed that safe space for myself and asked - How it would have helped me with if she was around? And the only answer I heard was - to be understood 💔. I brokedown again and let the streams of tears flow....they needed to be let out for all things that I am trying to make sense of and yet for all the times that I am misunderstood 🙏.

I would like to remind myself that -The wound is the place where the Light enters you.   ~rumi.

I don't know anything about the light yet but for sure, I wanted to feel this wound and make peace with it....flow with it and just be.

(I miss you, Bai. Will you meet me soon?...take me in your embrace and tell me that all will be ok...)