Fulfillment

 Sometimes, I wonder and ask myself, is it just me or there are people like me who find joy in various different indulgence of life...

Like, in the prayer one chants in the heart for wellbeing of dear ones,

Embracing the seasons and seasonal delicacies in the most authentic ways...like the seasonal corn roasted on cow dung cakes

Calling-up a distant relatives to just check upon them and give that call to assure they are not alone and that they are valued, inspite of growing old ...and finding that little joy in their own expression of joy - the twin grand kids :)

Or sometimes just taking that effort to fight hard with inner voice that has locked you in a coffin of thoughts and within four walls of comfort or memories and do something or go to a place that makes your being feel at home, at ease, and let the creative juice flow....

Or sometimes it's just the simplest pleasure of cooking a snack that was on the mind since long...

AI, me, my emotions & my Neighbours (laughing at me!)

This morning, I wokeup and was a bit relaxed as I had to WFH and no need for rushing in the morning hours. Laying on my stomach, covered in the warm soft blanket, I was testing Gemini on my phone, which was on the floor. 

I was back and forth with my conversations with the AI and at some point, out of somewhere a note popped up : I can help you create a customized storybook! To make it perfect for you, I'll need a few more details. These are just suggestions, but they'll help me personalize your storybook:

What is the target reader's age?
Me : 25 - 40 years 

What kind of plot would you like?
Me: Honest, real, life like

What illustration style do you prefer?
Me: Watercolor 

... I thought may be AI is taking some inspiration from my broken writing and will help me stitch my thoughts into a beautiful story.

I was curious to know what would that look like...And...

the final result was :

The guiding light

my day started with this deep note, I found on insta and kept reading it over and again.

Later in the dilemma of if I shall fast (Jainism) or no I continued with the daily chores at home and some soulful indulgence I.e. the mandna at the door entrance. Such stuff makes my heart feel happy and I forget the world.

After getting ready, I did some temple Dusting and lit the lamp. I love lamps and my conversations with the supreme while I sit in the designated corner of my home...

As I am writing this, I wonder, how many such conversations and what not....but I am always heard and answered by means of various channels...even dreams and I had a dream this morning too.

💕Happy Ganesh Chaturthi 🦚 

and 

Micchami Dukhdam 🙏

 Sometimes I feel so blessed to be born in India where various festivals are all celebrated together and how they become the portal for inner growth and wisdom.

Thank you, God.

 

Soul lessons

 Source

Jab khwahisho se zyada kuch mil jaye...

Navigating my usually unusual days...I was in my new office building, on the last Thursday. I met someone new in cab and we spoke a good deal about many things around work, culture, thinking, leisure etc and at last I mentioned to that colleague about one of my office friend (PT) who has started a business and doing really well. 

We reached office and I connected those two over chat. 

I hadn't met PT for almost an year and a few times when I thought I will connect,one of us got busy and at times I also got tangled in the thoughts that probably he doesn't want to connect, so I didn't ask him anything, even though I was in the same building as his.

After breakfast, I sat to start with my tasks list and  I get a response from:

 PT: are you in building A?, 

Me: Yes.

PT: shall we meet for coffee?

Me: not able to believe, if he is really asking it :), I took a few deep breaths and said... Okie. Where?

PT: level 1.

Me: starting in a bit, from level 8.

.....fast fwd. We chatted for a good long 30 mins about him, his family life, business, his new team, coffee, about my adventures, etc and around 9:30 am, I asked if we shall leave....

Just then I saw a car passing by at the reception and I asked him which is it? Merc?... BMW?

I kind of get a weird thrill seeing beautiful cars... Especially if it's a BMW etc

PT: we would need 10 mins more. Let's go ...

We Stepped down into the main hall and exited the building...

PT: you have no idea what's coming your way!

Me: Guaging that we were walking towards parking... I shockingly asked- is it a car!!! ? Did you buy new one??

PT: Yes! And I will take you for a short ride within campus... 

... And to my surprise, it was BYD!!!!

Never in my life I would have guessed the experience that followed... and definately not the gut popping thrill and excitement, just from the basement ramp up ...OMG! It was nothing short of a sports car!!!

And then he took it on road and explained me all the tech features, engine, tyres etc...

Apart from the euphoria, I was deeply touched by his kind gesture of giving me a ride....I felt so happy and deeply greatful 🥲.🙏

Me: if you would have told me this, I would have not got my office laptop or work to work, today!!😅

--

Movie with neighbours: Su from So

My neighbour was persistent in asking me to join them for a comedy movie... (In Kannada though)...

So Wednesday, I started early from work to be back home by 3pm, rest for a bit and then, attend to some pending work and  head out for 4:50 pm show. 

While enroute, I was feeling the uneasiness of going with them..a couple and moreover realized that I have had enjoyed most of my movie with a friend who I have kind of disconnected from and maintaining only biz related connect....

I could identify the root of my uneasiness and in such cases, I usually procrastinate..

I told my Neighbour's to book their seats... One that they got as complimentary from using a credit card. My suggestion was to book two seats with one empty in between so that we can grab a single ticket at the cinemas directly. 

They booked H3 & 5 and told me to take 4.

When we went to the cinema, all seats, even the middle one 4 was taken, leaving me with the only seat on extreme end of the same row. I took that but felt guilty of splitting the couple... So asked them to negotiate with the neighbours in the next seat and it turns out they can sit together as the other family was three people but I cannot be accommodated.

With some relief that they got seats together, I went to eat my early dinner and then watched the whole movie alone/ with rest of the crowd from H18!! 🤣 And the movie was superb!!! I loved it! 

I think when experiencing seperation anxiety from that of no more having a friend by my side, I had to remind myself that- it's for his and my own Good + the uneasiness and discomfort is normal and I could sail thru...

--

Day before, at night, I slept with deeper yearning for finding ease and solace from my growing anxiety... and to my surprise

Yesterday morning, I had a very clear dream with very distinct imagery - people, spaces etc. The highlight was hearing "close the curtain of Bhairav nath ji" (pull the curtains close for the Lord Bhairavnath)....

Upon waking up, I bowed to the rising sun and the bright sky, from my window and went back to bed searching for meanings or interpretations for my dream. 

I also reached out to one very religious individual who is into cow breeding and welfare and he mentioned that Lord Bhairava represents wish fulfillment.

I felt very light in my heart about all this. Wokeup, took shower and searched for a few nearby Bhairavnath temple and found three. I locked on Kala Bhairava temple which was just 6 mins ride from my home. 

But by the time I finished breakfast (which was also an offering to The Lord, Halwa), and my neighbour and I got ready, it was 11 am, time for the temple to be closed for noon hours. 

I knew in my heart that it's ok. I then did some laundry, cooking etc and whole day there was no power and the neighbours has also gone out. My phone, laptop batteries, induction was down due to power outage. 

Life felt so unbearably quite and It was getting cloudy. I decide to lit the evening lamp and walk up to the nearby lake temple, just the sight of Lake uplifts my being and my senses. 

And asa I reached their, after a 10 mins walk, I headed for Darshan and when I was stepping out, it started to rain fiercely, I took my umbrella and stood near the lake seeing the Twilight hour, the formation and disappearance of drops on the lake surface and the whole foggy, misty layer formed all across the lake bed....

The rains were nothing that I had seen this season and I felt deeply happy, but it was also chilling with winds and water on my bottom palazo.

I went back inside the temple and did an hour of Japa on Bhairavnath by counting on fingers...but after a while I lost the count of it. I was hungry, feeling tired and cold too.... probably low on hemoglobin. 

Inside the temple, there was a family of two baby daughters, both the daughters were super cute, the elder one took some space in the back of the temple hall and started practicing here dance to the time of the devotional song that was being played and the younger one was busy playing and adoring father or the mom and these two would be taking selfies, else the younger one was busy observing an Ant moving on the marble floor and lovingly calling it with palm gesture, for it to come on her palm.

I loved that sight and thanked God for protecting me. 

Alongside, on the other side of the hall, the Swami's were decorating the idols were new vesthi and sarees....it was Vaikuntha Vallabha temple. And I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience.

After an hour, when rains reduced, I collected my umbrella and stepped out. One aunty who was also arranging the deity sarees joined and I offered her my umbrella and dropped her to her home on my way.

And rest of the lanes, I navigated on my own, at times with a wired palpitations... May be due to fear of isolated dark patch of roads or at curved ends of a lane where I could hear the gutter water gushing out....as if jog falls but with a very bad smell. Or it was me walking without any phone or cash in hand after decades...

On my way, I stopped at a Mangalore store and purchased some sweet and asked the owner for credit till I reach home as phone is on charge and no power since morning. He agreed.

--

Today morning, I wokeup lazily and decided to first visit temple without any food, I got ready by 10.30am and started with navigation on phone. 

I reached there and surprisingly, there where three beautiful temples - Kala Bhairava, Ayyappa Swami and Lord Ganesha.

I asked someone where to buy puja samagri from? And he pointed me to a lady with a cart selling fruits, rice packs, ash guard, dhatura (favourite flower of Shani), oils etc 

I asked her to provide me with a pack to offer to Lord Kala Bhairava and she gave me banana, flowers, betel nut and leaves, rice pack, an oil pack, one green flower and some karpur, I guess. 

I bowed to Ayyappa Swami deity from outside as the vendor lady was standing right outside of the that temple. I then headed to the temple on my left and what I saw made me believe the presence of Lord. 

There were three big street dogs, all sleeping peacefully at the entrance, in a straight line leading upto the temple and one on the main door mat. And since, dog is the vehicle for the lord...I knew that the lord was there  and his vahan sleeping with such ease. That sight made my day and finally the Swami took the garland and offered it to the crown of the junior deity and I felt happy 😊.

--

After returning back home, I played two hours with my neighbour kid, downstairs and later he came along for painting... And I thoroughly enjoyed that time and our innocent chit chats and laughter. We painted, decorated with cut mirrors, did some snacking and then played Jenga:😄. It was so close to noon but for that moment, all my time related senses where away on a vacation and I was loving the joy and ease and blessing of such wonderful souls around me. 

He even took one of my old finger ring and his approach was: you have three on your hand, can you give me one??..(all innocent gibberish kannada, a pleasure :p)

And I said, my mom will scold me but I can give you another and he happily agreed. 

I was loving his innocent and non-judgmental approach for jewellery... Including an anklet :).

I loved laughing with him... Like kids again whenever the jenga bricks crashed.

-- 

Thank you God for a beautiful day and the most productive too.

🦚💝

Who were you to me?

Who were you to me?

​At first, someone in the crowd.

A little later, an annoying presence.

After a while, a stalker? (I avoided.)

​Time shifted, and events unfolded. When the world paused, I did too.

​I took time to observe and listen, without judgment.

I allowed myself to open up and bring forth my true self.

By expressing my worries that held me back.

By asking questions that I trusted you to have answers to... and you did answer them.

By sharing where I came from... To me, you were the hope of a beautiful bond of friendship, pure and simple.

​Time was on its pace, and so were we.

I thought of giving myself a chance where I could experience a little "more of me."

I shook hands with that promise of transparency, ease of being, and the honest conversations that led us to where we were.

​I completely overlooked the part of your individual journey while we were in one, together.

I trusted you with all of me, even when it was just friendship, or not even that.

​To me, you were a choice I made, to see the things as they unfolded and not read in between.

You were my rekindled faith that I had lost or never had the nerve to put out there.

​A bond like ours was something I was so proud of and loved sharing with my other friends.

This was something I had never experienced.

So, yes, our bond was something new to me in many ways.

​It was unexpected but carried a deep and unexplainable familiarity.

With you, I evolved as me.

I felt seen and heard beyond what I could have ever expected from anyone.

​I didn't realize how deep I fell for you, that I lost the very me.

Your words had woven a world around me, and I felt welcomed, not knowing you would also prove me wrong, with a shattered me and my own illusions of you.

​I not just thought about you, I breathed you. I dreamt of you. I cried for you, and I held you as my stubbornness.

But it wasn't me who wanted it, nor did I know this side of me.

​From a future I was made to envision, I was left in the void of now, all by myself to figure it out.

​Who were you to me?

I ask myself, again and again, feeling devastated but holding the ground I built on the pain that was left with me, one that I shed every day and night. Sometimes in journals, in words, or songs, or in isolation.

​And then I ask myself, "What was my fault? What did I miss in the hints thrown at me? What is it that still hurts so much that it's unbearable?"

​I thought I healed, but I find myself failing even more.

​Who were you to me?

Maybe someone who succeeded in labeling me as the one I dreaded the most.

One who made me question my worth and my being.

One who appeared to be someone so like me but turned out to be nothing like me.

But YOU, take a moment...🫂

​Living in the shadow of what is gone, I wonder how lifetimes of thoughts, decisions, dreams, and decades, pass by. 

Then, the "now" reminds us to pull the strings.
The mind engages with the heart, with human rationale, and when we land in the "now," it all goes silent.

​So aloof and adrift, scattered and unfamiliar, it gets scary. It numbs faith and willingness. No matter how lit the surroundings get, or how the lamps brighten the darkness of the evenings, there will always be a needle pinching.

​That pain would also seek its answers and make you question yourself.

But you, take a moment, let it all be, and be gracious toward yourself.

Know it's never going to be easy to fight a battle you never chose but were destined to. Remind yourself that you survived and that the light of your heart still shines bright.

Let the falls of tears flow unobstructed, for they are the weight of the mourn, that eyes have held for so long, and now it's time for it to be released.

​You will also be amazed at the intertwined episodes of pain that will choose you, to be tagged along. And, when you would be taking a sigh of relief, the tears would burst out again, unwarranted.

​But you, take a moment, let it all be, and just be gracious to yourself. Indeed, it's a journey, and these could be the ebbs.

​Sometimes you will just go quiet, and sometimes the layers of emotions will peel themselves off. Sometimes you will find yourself bearing the chaos...yet, most often you will be in your own solitude amidst the crowd.

​But you, take a moment, let it all be, and just be gracious to yourself.

 Let yourself know that - you may not have all the answers yet, but it's a process and you are a work in it—refining and building resilience, picking up and restructuring your scattered self, practicing letting go even if it means withdrawal from everything that you once loved or was and finding yourself again 

Staycation or a reset station?

Within the enclosed walls of my mind, with shutters of the eyes locked, I began to race with my thoughts, especially the ones after my conversation with the therapist. 

The questions I was asked and the reflections I went through...

Me: how a small note from mom, crushed me and put me in deep pain and I began to feel the pain associated with other events of my life...

She: I can see, you are currently in a lot of pain...

Me: (in my heart) I need to hear it from someone. Thank you.

She: I can see there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness, of not feeling you deserve to be loved or have a life that can be easy and normal...

So, what I can see is you went from a phase of normalcy back to low phase (your current phase)... Am I right? 

Me (weeping and wiping my tears): yes, I nodded. 

She: what is it that you want to attend to, right now? 

a) A recent relationship/ betrayal?

b) A relationship that has been there since long but I see you loosing yourself in it and the lack of safe space in your life has unfortunately translated into it - a safe person for you, instead.

c) Your situation with your mother

Me (feeling the heaviness from the intensity of the moment and being overwhelmed) : I sobb in the napkin that I held in my hands

She: do you have water around you?

Me: no, that's ok. I am fine....(Clearly I wasn't)

She: ok, tell me what do you miss about the 1st one. 

Me: after, collecting my thoughts. Just the space of me being me. Felt seen... what I hid from the world. Of free flow and no compulsions. Of companionship, friendship..., togetherness..

She: hmm.... You have deprived yourself of all those things. 

And what about the long term one? 

Me: After mom's trigger, I went into a series of downward thinking...I pointed out the lack of time from him, his work commitments and if at all I fit anywhere. I know he is still in the pain and trauma of losing his father, being boycotted by own family... And is wounded. But time is limited for us all....

And when I heard the priorities i.e securing his son's future and resolving some personal tasks that his Dad desired...

I asked him, so I am no-where in the list and could be attended whenever time permits. Right? 

His response or expression was that of helplessness. And I read deep into people's gestures... Knowing or unknowingly. 

I called-up that both our life times are separate and I cannot keep waiting for every damn thing in my life and his response was - so, did I stop you? 

    Me : no and I bursted into breathless sob... Chocked throat and tears (not because of the conversation, but because I knew In my heart, I was fighting this very reality of timelines....💔 And couldn't accept it) 

(I felt the pain that I felt when I heard the lyrics of the song (tere liye from veer Zara):

Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya

Mujh Se Kaisa Bair

Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya

Mujh Se Kaisa Bair

Hukm Tha.. Main Jiyun Lekin Tere Bagair

Naadaan Hai Woh Kahte Hain jo

Mere Liyeh Tum Ho Gair

These lines have, since then haunted me, confronted me and I failed everytime I heard it or even thought of it. )

She: what keeps you still wanting to be with him when you know there is no future...

Me: I always felt safe with him. I could be effortlessly the mad me or the happy me, I can be wild or I can be the baby me. He is my home...

She: but, R... You have given him the authority of your life's decisions but somewhere you need to also know that you too can make decision for yourself and it's ok if you fail, there could be consequences....but eventually it will make you stronger. We all have only one life. 

Me:... Ya, this is another thing I noticed in me that I don't like to make/ take decisions

She: and you want him to take one for you so that you can hold him responsible for your life path...

Me: I guess, unconsciously that is what I kept doing and built-up recenment for all the events that went hopelessly wrong...

She: can you take WFH for a few weeks? 

Me: and go where? Home? Towards my triggers? Again? 

She: how about staycation? Work from anywhere... Meet new people... Stop connecting with the friends you have...

I agree that time and age gone will never come back, but still! It's worth it. Fast forward it to next ten years... You will be in a happy state. 

Me(paranoid with gut churning) : I fear it all. Deeply.

She: I know you have a deep seated fear of the unknown, of starting all over again..., the guilt, pain, uncertainty etc

Me: nodding... In yes🙂‍↕️ 

She: Ok, what hurted you the most when the person left you? What was your feelings

Me: His words - "this time she came, I dint.!" I wish he would have known, I would come a thousand times if I wasn't let down this way... 

Those words made me feel as if I was made to stand lifeless and ripped bare infront of the crowd of unknowns.

I lost my ground on which I lay my trust, so deep. 

She: ok, I now let's come to your mother, can you create a Bingo of events that may occur when you meet her those may trigger you but this time, you strike it off and reduce the intensity of it hurting you. Afterall she is expressing what she experienced!

Me: smiling at the paradoxical fun here. 

She: we will get over this..lets connect again. 

Me: ok and thank you for accommodating my request at sort notice. 

She: remember, you took so long to heal or forget the first one, and the other one is even more intense and deep and may need more effort from you... But keep the goal in mind... It's both of your wellbeing.

Me: consumed in void of that thought.

--

It's been 24 hours and I am still pondering...

Dil Keh raha...

 

After a chaotic two days with sobs and inner turmoil, consulting a therapist, feeling peace at the core ..... Speaking with a neighbour friend while trying to Console eachother and channeling our inner creativity over songs :).

Books that introduced me to a different realities of my life

As such nothing was there on my mind today that would lead me to my blog but then, something triggered a wound, that lead to inconsolable sobb.

Then, when my eyes and being got tired and exhausted and looked deeper into what is it that is hurting me more...

An expectation...

A memory

A mother who would never understand me nor would I ever be able to be free from any anxiety around her...

Those thoughts were pulling me more in the darkness of this moment and tears were pairing with the rains. My head started to ache, body which was just recovering felt tired again....and hopeless.

Then, with my teary eyes, wounded heart and heavy head and irregular breaths, I picked up the book that I was about to complete a week back...but still has few pages left and I knew it will help me distract my mind and being from the unresolved trauma feelings.

That book is : 

And this is my first time reading such humble book almost like a fairytale but I know and could see myself in it for the part where the writer herself has a troubled childhood.

Second one which I finished reading a month back was :

Both of these books engaged me even on days when life appeared meaningless and I was drowning deep in the void. 

It brought me joy, hope and a tiny bit of me close to myself. 

I know I feel terribly sad and want to cry it all out but...I am holding on to it...