How insecurity shows up..

Today, after almost two years I experienced again same bouts of anxiety, palpitations, headache (may be due to fever or thoughts being in freeze mode).

Since morning I have been trying different channels to ease off my body i.e. clapping exercise, deep focused breathing, listening to calming music or chants, hot water shower, cooking etc.

But my being is just unable to ease off. And at last I am here to seek ease and tears rollout and I know that's the first step to ease, for me....

I guess I should apologise to my eyes for this but also thank for being my partner in ease.

I have been thinking a lot about what is the cause of such unease, overwhelm and disconnect from one's own body...

Let's first explore what is it that I call uneasiness:

1. Shivering in legs 
2. Palpitations even when sleeping 
3. Unexplained Fear
4. Restless 
5. Overthinking or constant thoughts leading no-where 
6. Struggling to focus

Let's now dissect the thoughts:

1. Friend's dad condition deteriorating or with every new day a new challange and they experiencing acute financial shortfalls. No or less contact about friend's whereabouts puts me in panic and also guilt for being limited in ways I can extend support.
2. Piled-up work to dive-in, right after vacations and an additional responsibility being lined-up. Physically, me being under the weather is chocking me and also making me question the whole purpose of me working? at a cost of my well being?. To me, all I know, I am just facilitating financial wellbeing but nothing that my soul feels belonged to and I do not know which way to take or head to fix this aspect of my life coz I feel I should just quit. 
3. Added stress of a lot going around and in my head + complete isolation from family on those front as I know they will not understand and I do not know what or how to collaborate on that front and with whom?
4. Seeing a loved one in distress crushes me completely and make me question the meaning of life.  What are we all chasing? Or atleast do I know what I want from life? 
5. After call with dad yesterday, and getting to know that he could guess why the the girl's side is not moving ahead with the first meet and greet as a part of marriage proposal (for my brother)...his words put me in a bit of stress that how such small things disturbs them at such deep level. And It nudges me to reflect at what they would have gone thru when I denied to get married and wasn't there to support them emotionally either.
6. Sometimes I feel a relationship gone wrong or one being rejected also adds to low self-esteem and we start to see ourself in that light of - Good for nothing and it follows us everywhere and is a heavy burden on heart. I hope we all know and feel we are loved.
7. At days I feel who is it that I call as mine...I scanned thru list of people - my Parents, family, brothers, friends and I do not find an answer to it and it scares me. It's not just about officially calling someone as my own and also feeling belonged to, which is most important for me. With current self-awareness and reflections that I have had in the last 1.5 years I do not know what is right or wrong, the choices I felt safe in or the plan that life has for me...which is only visible in tiny landscape..one at a time.
8. It also occurs to me that my being is fearful of life...for no specific reason except that of may be getting hurt, betrayed, left alone and old age and what comes with it...

I really donno if I am feeling any better but the tears are all shed and the bottled feeling is eased off.

May God give ease and peace to all🙏

Journey Homeward, Within

Just when the swelled tear was about to drop, the driver asked, "what location to Google, for the drop mam?"

I helped him map my drop location and settled with my back leaning towards the seat, allowing myself to immerse in and let my feelings surface and find it's way out...either as words or tears. Eventually both were eager and took turns🤷‍♀️. I can say it's customary too... ?😄

Sitting in the rear seat, closer to left window, feeling the cold wind brushing my face and moist along the tear trails on my cheeks, my eyes finding solace looking at vast greyish- blue sky, airplanes landing, the beautifully lit exits roads and billboards; completely resisting the mad rush of taxies and cars rushing back towards the city.

The quietness of the sky kindled my heart and at one moment, I wondered, what if I could Google my feelings and map them too. My heart would have been so much at ease; probably eyes too could have shed a little less tears.

I am not sad. The tears could be from the multitude of thoughts and feelings I am going thru - that of the last 10 days, all the travelling but arriving no-where, the soujourn while I swiped photos on my phone that reminded me of key events and conversations or laughters etc, of work or withdrawal from work, of the madness and rush of city life, of thoughts of isolation or things I do to keep myself busy, of songs that eases me or nudges me and much more. 

I let myself shed those tears so I can breath easy. 

I, then asked myself why is it that my heart and being feels empty? Was the holiday not enough? And I realised it was never about holidays, it was about me trying hard to reconnect with my roots with such extensive travels and making that effort to meet them all. Bitter and hard to share but - to feel at home in those smell of the house, kitchen, habits or events recreated or just walking in those isolated quite lanes or amongst my own people or with them, doing things that I use to growing up, meet and live with the same people to create that ecosystem I lost long ago....

But I am sorry for myself, my being slowly started to come to terms with letting go, not put myself too much on the pedestal of responsibilities and pull back.

Anyways, just writing my feelings here helps and my heart starts to feel home. And now I wonder, how I crossed oceans and met people but at last the howllowness of my heart could create symphony only in the acknowledgement and an honest validation of my own feelings, purely without any judgements or criticism.

While I was cleaning notes on my phone, I came across a saved post from one of the WhatsApp shareing and that became the anchor for me...

*Would like to share a few lines with you.....*

The longing for things

 that you could not have,

the yearning for places 

you were not destined to arrive. 

Wistful memories of what was 

not ever meant to be. 

Regret for not being who 

you thought you would become. 

These hallucinations of the soul 

are agonizing prisoners 

that must be pardoned and released. 

Clear the room. 

Open the door 

and let them leave.

And in this space, 

you’ll paint a glorious existence 

of being here with presence 

and contentment for what truly is 

a relevant and meaningful life. 

~an excerpt from Susan Frybort's extraordinary new book, 'Open Passages',

--

@blr home, I got the best arrival gift! My first peace lily bud 😌❣️

Thank you love.💕

Where am I with my holiday wishlist?

(on Bus, BPF to IDR)

I am nearing end of my Diwali holidays and it's also the time to review the wishlist and see if I have made any progress :)

Just to remind myself, the list was also with the intention to prioritise happiness 😌 

1. A family road trip to Rajasthan or train trip to Goa.

Nope. I guess I was too ambitious. Well, what took place instead was - Family gathering for my birthday, Visit to Aunty's Family, Train trip to Nani's place (mom and me), Dhaba dinner with Maternal Family and much needed home-made beaten coffee by a bro and with brothers ❣️✍️. (may be a small bit where I could let go discipline of sleeping early, not having any beverages late at night etc and just flow with ease and cherish my coffee which was just awesome)

2. Painting mandala with all family members.

Nope. But we did do a lot of Diwali Rangoli and decorations, we engaged in warli wall art and we did some snacks prep for Diwali, and that includes a bit of creativity too :).

(Hand drawn sketch from Papa on my birthday)

3. Introduction to muscle building exercises for elderly (online course)

Yup, partially successful. Ordered stretch bands and resistance tube along with pedal cycle for all elderly to get into routine of exercise. Let's see how far it goes 

4. Indulge in Self love & care

 - Complete reading Wayne dyre: your erroneous zone.

Only could read one chapter.

- make water colour painting.

Did only wall paintings and Rangoli

- buy AK Ramajunam's Folktales from India 🍁✍️

Successfully completed.

++ I took this day today to cut short my visit at Maternal uncle's family and head IDR to meet with few of my friends, cousins and family of one of my uncle. This will be the last day of my time away from work.

When I ask myself how am I feeling at this very moment? my answer is :

Numb. Sleepy and Hungry.

The different lifestyles I get to live and see with my own extended families makes me feel a little overwhelmed. The setup of families where they are together but not emotionally free or may be I over indulge and read too much between lines but I had to be true to myself that seeing it all disturbed me and continue to disturb me. 

The expectations, show-off or the pressure to put a happy face all the time hurts me.

Anyways, I trust everyone's journey of life is their own and possibly the best for them. I need to tell myself that there is nothing wrong in choosing a path that is a bit different or completely different than the usual for all and if I do not vibe with my own tribe. Tanu, it's all ok. Probably you bring a fresh perspective of the world to them so do not feel ashamed or at a fault, you are doing the best you can and being the best. (💕)

Sleepy...Yup, slept late and woke up early and stressed.

Hungry... Could take tea and snacks before leaving home as it was way too early in the morning & a bus journey ahead. Let's hope the bus stops for breakfast :)

Blessed to be called as their's

Yup, it took me little longer to internalize all that took place on 3rd Nov.... no, I am not yet there in it's totality.

Mum had planned a lunch at home and invited my late Grand father's brother, his wife, their son and daughter-in-law. This set of grandparents, with them, I had the most fond memories of my childhood - Gardening with home-made tools, playing in the soil without any restrictions, going to "Tagor park" with grand-dad,  Helping my granny with vegetable chopping and without any apprehensions, asking her all that bothered me or which my tiny brain couldn't decipher.

Everyone was so excited about the gathering/ lunch and the morning hours were rushed to make arrangements, get the food ready, dusting house etc. 

That day, my eldest uncle gave me a rose from his garden and later a silver coin. He loves kids and he is one of the members in family I feel deeply connected to. Aunt woke me up with a kiss on my cheeks ...(frankly, I am not accustomed to such greetings and felt a bit awkward, but I respect her gesture and love).

My day was filled with showers of love. 

Dad was back from farm to attend the party and I din't realise how much that meant to me until I blurted out " oh! papa is coming?"; when mom was sharing who all will be around.

I am not sure if I could really feel a part of it all or was involved emotionally, but now that I am in train, a bit distant from them all...it makes me think, how blessed I am. How much they all love me, and I am glad that my birthday became the reason for them all to come together, have some meaningful conversations, build bridges that were emotionally burnt with a few members, laugh and just be. 

In the evening, I had a chance to visit one of my Aunt's paternal family too.

Then next day, my parent's Punjabi friend wanted to treat us for my birthday....(Sometimes I love this belonging in small towns where hearts are open to all and caring)

Amidst all, I continued to stick to my yoga and meditation routine and self reflection. One thing that made me the most happy was - a whatsapp post by my sis (the pic - me and her daughter) + the new book.

I know I wasn't there at that moment but probably someday my heart will be greatful for each one of their presence in my life and love 🙏❣️✍️.

Thank you Maa & Papa.

You are allowed to start again :)

The day started on a blissful note with messages, content coming my way with such deeper meaning leading to better clarity and as a reminder, my life felt a bit more blissful and lighter.

One of those video notes said, 

"You need to learn to put a stop/ end to the sad story/ies that you have been telling or writing about, because unknowingly you are manifesting them in your life. All you can do now is - Let it Go! Believe in new thriving life and write about them. Allow yourself that grace!"

And it touched my heart. As true it can get, I needed to hear this and I heard it.

Later, I was searching for some inspiring pictures or artwork to fill my soul and the pic copied below was like coming home.

Loved that raw note below 👇 ...

And yes!! I have my book delivered to me :)

Love n Grace, Tan😘🤗❣️! Happy reading.

A love letter to self

Before it's - next day. I wanted to write a love letter to myself. This thought sounded too kind for me to muster the courage to accept it. 

A few thoughts formed in mind and disappeared soon enough; as it started to feel overwhelming.

Well, I would still want to write whatever minimal I can -  to that limitless spirit, that heart of an ocean, smile that's sunshine that instill hope, know that I acknowledge that your journey hasn't been the usual one, you trodden on paths you thought where yours at every step, your encounter with your own truth and reality made you judge yourself and get critical, ease or comfort where far off and you were all by yourself in it!, Pushing hard to carry on with each passing day, forgetting to acknowledge your own needs and purpose. Navigating each uncertain moment, day, weeks, months and years became synonym to you. 

But you took it all with the willingness to honour life with all that you could, with weaving the journey thru moments and friendships that brought joy and acted as an anchor. You continue to meet people with same kindness and love that they deserved, you held on to your Level of hope, even when you were shattered knowing that your own folks never deeply understood you.

Juggling many things, You do regret that your actions caused hurt to your own folks but acknowledge - afterall you are a human and cannot get good to all at all times. 

Seems like the remainder of life wouldn't be enough to pour all that I feel for you but I know you are tired and need to rest and hence, I wrap-up with love and only love to illuminate your being. Enough forgiveness to allow healing, ample moments of deep felt gratitude and bliss. Loads of love, Tanu.

Takecare.

P.s. may this letter serve you like a warm hug,  anytime you get back to it.