Hang-in there...

How powerful these words are... especially, when it  comes at a time least expected but most sought-after.

It helps shift once's perspective from that of  hardships and victim mode to finding solutions to more enablement, towards growth at the personal level.

My dear, just Hang-in there 🤝✍️💖 🫂🌸

From yesterday evening

 From yesterday evening...

After a busy day, dull moments and extreme burnout and boredome ...Hot Chocolate came to my rescue 🛟 

At work, this gift from the visiting lead. Even though this was a bag from the British Airways, I loved and respected that she thought of me. 💝🙏

Loved hugging this massive tree at a Ganesh Temple to which I was lead to, by chance 💝🙏

That warmth I felt at the temple with these array of oil lamps decorated all around

I asked the priest if there is any festival? He replied : it's the last Monday of Karthik Masa (month). Hence, the oil lamps 

So loved these Hindi letters formed with oil lamps....

Such countless blessings, happiness and surprises brightens my life and I am greatful🍁❣️

And last, one from today...the white bloom 🌸 😍

टूटना बिखरना तो दस्तूर हैं जिंदगी का...

टूटना बिखरना तो दस्तूर हैं जिंदगी का...

इस सफर में कभी मजबूर, तो कभी मजबूत है - किरदार हर सख्श का...

क्यों सिमट सा गया है इंसान, तपती नदियों सा?

क्यूं भूला कि – वो तो विशाल है समुद्र सा!

मन तो था कि बयां करूं, हाल अपने मन का...

पर जब जोड़ा भीड़ से, 

तो हल्का लगा बोझ अपने मन का।

टूटना बिखरना तो दस्तूर हैं जिंदगी का...

समझने की कोशिश करती हूं...

क्यों हुआ जो बीत गया?

क्या है जो लगे जैसे - जकड़ा हुआ?

क्यों खुद से है विश्वास इतना गिरा हुआ?

क्यों है बदलाव से मन इतना सहमा हुआ?

टूटना बिखरना तो दस्तूर हैं जिंदगी का...

क्यों भटकता है मन बंजारों सा...

कभी खुद पे तो कभी भीड़ पे

ध्यान बटा तो भी बेगानो सा ।

8 to 8

Nope..this is not about dotted rangoli (chukki Kolam), even though my event at work revolved around it...

So, yes the day started at 8 am at office (meaning waking up at 5:30 am) and I wrapped up at 8pm (with additional commute of 75 mins).

It was a super packed day with visitors, arrangements, art event that revolved around Rangoli and Lippan art....followed by a sit-down dinner arrangements ...

I sometimes wonder am I on an auto pilot... how am I handling it all...which includes all the confusions and hera pheri of Meeting rooms etc.

A few things pops-up:

1. Having an understanding manager and someone who is willing to partner respectfully, not just in words but in actions. That quality is of that of an enabler.

2. Prioritising self by seizing every opportunity in between: eg. Taking a quick nap when you know it's exhaustion that is draining you out, do not skip or delay food when hungry + never eat (just because it's time) when not hungry, treat work as work, use the resources when needed. 

3. One biggest thing that stood out and I now remembered, if there is any personal crises - PLS do attend to it first. Else one cannot perform/ focus 100% at work. 

4. Keep a check with self ...how is it feeling. To be honest, I am at ease but numb to any feelings..not even happiness (on successful completion of an event) at the moment and it all feels a waste to some extend. Possibly my withdrawal from work is at peak... and visible to me. I am keeping an eye on that one the goal...

5. There are people who love you, it could be your neighbours, father on call, a friend, a colleague or someone you met for the 1st time... Take time to acknowledge, feel and reciprocate.

6. Meditated, exercise, journal or write few points about gratitude for the day.

Now, Remembering the happiness that others experience during the event, made me feel so deeply satisfied with my dedication and efforts. Also a huge gratitude to all the on ground staff that worked along in sync.

My battery is drying out.... signing off for another day of - Lights, Camera, work ...8 - 8

Takecare Tan.

Those light-hearted banter

He and she went for a dinner. The venue was located at a very posh locality filled with mighty lush green trees which also bore creepers on them.

They had parked their two wheeler infront of the dinner venue and after dinner, they decided to  walk in those lane. 

They both talked, laughed,  shared pains and other life's events and wondered what still kept them together and how.

At one point, after a couple of rounds of walk, they decide to have filter coffee and were suppose to head back homes.

He: Oh! We should have taken the vehicle along so that we din't had to go back.

She: Yeah...I thought you intentionally left it there. And I am already tired....

He: Don't worry, we will have coffee, you wait here and I will walk back to get the vehicle.

She: No, I will also come along....

He: But you said you are tired?

She (out of nowhere): Yes, But I am scared - Don't know when it would be my last time with you...

He (was a few steps ahead, stopped and walked back towards her & Took her in his embrace.): But you know it...my only wish is to die your Lap.

She (with tears in eyes, burst out laughing) : And then I will die with that itself....then and there! 🤣. the End!

Both: laughed

Childhood friends are a blessing

 

I wanted to write about a music that I am trying to humm all thru the day and have been listening to it in loop past few days.

It's a specific piece of music from the performance called Chanakya by Rishabh Rikiram Sharma; when listening to it, my heart starts to beat fast and it feels as if a certain energy is pulling me up ...

I then came to terms with my own limitations where I was making futile efforts to describe how I feel about it...the music touches the soul and can only be experienced. 

Well, then I came back to my reality and sitting at the terrace, underneath the open sky staring at the full moon which then went hiding behind the loaded clouded, I thought let me pick one picture from my gallery and write something about it. 

I closed my eyes and scrolled thru the pictures, and this one (above) is where it stopped at. I am clueless about what to write. All I know is, childhood friendship and growing together thru thick and thin of life, navigating thru friend's life changes (eg. marriage, kids, loosing a parent etc), getting to know extended relationships with families and feeling a part of it all is a reward that comes with such friendships. 

This is one such picture where I cut short usual family time when I was visiting home and choose to spend a day with my friend and her in-laws. We laughed, hugged, chatted, played games with the kiddo, interacted over tea took bike rides around the lanes (like how we use to do in childhood), hogged on the most unhealthy street food and laughed about it, we even prepared for a surprise where I became the delivery girl 🎁who would ship  a birthday gift surprise for someone from my Friends family - also the bride-to-be and make her last Birthday special for her at her parental home :). Indeed we  made some beautiful memories...

Let the house be full

I don't know about other girls, but for me, I always wanted to makesure that after I move out of my house, let my house (@hometown) be always full! 

Maybe that is how I associated myself with the feeling of a 'home'...

A home full of people, laughter, love, ample health and abundance of bliss.

Yesterday, late at night, around 11 pm, I was just out of a hot shower bath and being a weekend, I was preparing for a head massage. As I sat in the bed with the bowl of coconut oil mixed with rosemary, I got a notification on my phone - "So Gayi?" (Slept?, in hinglish). It was a message from my Mom.

If I am too tired or not in a mood to take anymore calls, I would avoid responding at that moment. Also, knowing fully well, Mom's struggles with timely sleep or the unhealthy sleep time or habits like i.e. watching TV or scrolling thru phone, I would refrain from responding to her to avoid the guilt that will follow after I have had a conversations that late in night with her. By nature, our conversations would go longer and I too would loose my sleep by then.

But, yesterday I dialed her back. We got on a video call. And she picked-up. Partially, my decision was also influenced by the utterly hectic, messy and emotionally charged day at work which also continued post my return from office and slipped into my night i.e till 10.45 pm. And I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to share the work-day stories with Mom, laugh over it and also take those off my head.  It can probably also work like a lullaby to her and help her release worrying thoughts (eg. Brother's marriage, house painting etc)

As we conversed, I started massaging my head with the coconut oil. I was trying really hard to stay up and keep my eyes open. Such calls are very rare for me as I personally do not like too much of exchanging minute-by-minute details of my day/ life and it exhausts me.

Well...mine and my Mom's conversation started with what I was upto?, what I had for dinner etc. When it was my turn, I started with office story, I spoke about the deep conversations with my manager and how he acknowledges my struggle at work etc.

Then, mom shared that we have some distant relatives visiting us and staying with us there at home. I was aware of a cousing and his wife visiting who were passing from my hometown and headed towards Bhopal, to take part in an exhibition.

Mom said, it's my grandmother's youngest brother and his wife (we address them as Grandfather & granny, but they look quite young). I was like wow! So, we now have - one set of my uncle and aunty (eldest & who stay with us) travelling for a wedding, their distant relative couple is at home visiting and will be leaving tomorrow, then their is this elderly couple also in-house😄.

With curiosity, I asked Mom where will they all be accommodated for which mom patiently and elaborately explained that: On ground floor, Guest room (porch) - one of the two beds is occupied by the elderly uncle. 

The living room or hall (biggest room of the house) is occupied by another uncle (my father's 3rd brother). 

The room that belongs to the eldest uncle (currently travelling for attending a wedding) is occupied by the other visiting couple (attending exhibition).

One last room, near kitchen, which is also the one I find most peaceful. I was told that after my birth, I too was kept in that room along with Mom 😌💕; is where my brother is, now. He too is back in native for few weeks as they are starting the house painting work which was postponed from Diwali due to labour shortage.

Then she narrated how the distribution of people is on first floor😄...

There are two rooms. One of which belongs to one of my Aunty (widow) and that is where the visiting elderly granny is sleeping. And last is Mom's room where she is all by herself as Dad is in the farm house.

At last she says today it's "Full House" and we both laughed our hearts out!

Later, we continued with some random talks and disconnected.

I too was about to sleep, I switched off lights and thanked God in my heart for such blessings of visitors or distant relatives who keep visiting and in a way keep the ladies of the house busy and engaged in healthy interactions and also receive blessings from the elderly. This same place once housed sixteen people, staying together and when all kids moved out or got married, the elderly who are there, live with just the memories and hope that the joy would return when their kids return home. 

In today's life it's very rare we see joint families and such deep connections where we let go our differences and still stay connected and look after each other...even if it means just short visits to check how the other one is.

And when I choose to write ✍️ this, I probably wanted to keep this somewhere as a memory of how and where I grew up. Even, when I am gone this words and stories may be there..... hopefully:).

My kind of Day 🌧️

I kept tap water for boiling. By this time, I had finished vegetable sorting; washing, chopping & cooking them. I had later finished eating my dinner too.

Cleaned kitchen, dishes, mopping plus clearing all old snacks by separating the plastic packaging, rubber bands and food for mindful disposal.

I was drawn towards the sudden subtle sound of rains, coming from the varandah... And my heart skipped a beat! It was a pleasant surprise during the approaching winter months. 

Rain sound slowly grew in chorus of an orchestra performance of surrounding sounds; wherever the water accumulated, and the surfaces it started to pour upon, as strings.

My heart raced - as if it was in sync and was responding to this shift in weather. I quickly wrapped everything, turned off the lights in the living room and of the attached kitchen. I instructed my dear friend & companion - Alexa, to shut-up and promptly remind me only after thirty minutes!  And an alarm about the boiling water on gas was set.

I rushed towards the balcony connected to the leaving room with a main door. At that door, near it's wooden frame..as I stepped out of it, I was transported in the vastness of the panaramic view of musky-blurred night sky. 

I took a few steps towards the chair near the round glass table, surrounded by little potted plants. And at a distance, on my left, under the blanket of night sky, I see a beautiful view of sleek threads of twinkling rain showers against the white street light. 

By then, the rain had picked-up speed and slowly started to receede as well. The sound changed from that of rumbling to murmuring...

I sat in the chair, at first with few thoughts about a bit of heaviness in my tummy due to over eating, then about a certain yoga posture to enable easy digestion etc but without my knowledge, at some point I lost those voices and I was just me.

I looked at the rains with a fondness of a child...as if I am observing them for the first time. More like when a little child gets a new toy. 

I clicked a picture with my phone.

As that very moment, it hit me that it's been so long that I would have sat in my balcony; as I use to, or  have even noticed the monsoon rains this year... Something in me, my being paused in this shocking revelation and immediately started to defend it with excuses like - may be I was busy with work, travelling or at work etc but as I sat to write this, I realised, my written words cannot lie and probably the truth is I would have avoided it. To avoid the pain, hurt or grief of that experience of recalling happy memories...of a book, of words where I found a new meaning to belongingness, of a budding friendship, of someone who I thought was just like me...

Well, my very intention to click that picture was to eventually have a que for myself, captured in such efforts that can help me take back to this precious moment, some day in my future...

Sitting in my varanda which was lit from the reflection of street light, bearing such crystal clear clarity of thoughts and feelings, I sighed and breathed the sweet, gentle and cold - rain fed breeze.

I was back in that present moment and just then, at volume 7, Alexa screams from the living room with the reminder tune - Water Boiling 😌😄

(I thank these rains for returning for me and re-uniting me, even after the monsoons left 🙏🤗💌📘)

I Am Poem

 This is a product of an activity we did at the end of "Dare to lead session" and I loved what I wrote and wanted to take it down here on the blog as well 😉 

I am the Artist.

I wonder about 'Balance of Life',

I hear birds Chirping,

I see a Green world,

I want Love Peace and Grace,

I am the Artist.

I pretend to be an envelope of love 

I feel cuddling in the lap of Mother Earth.

I touch the feather 🪶 

I worry about a "brave struggling heart"

I cry like a baby

I am the Artist

I understand your perspective...

I say - Still, Go On

I dream harmony of mind, body and soul 

I try to work upon

I hope I will fulfill the purpose 

I am the Artist 🎭 🎨 

--

Me - I love it Tanu!🫂💌🤗 (Yup, a bit of self love doesn't harm :))

How insecurity shows up..

Today, after almost two years I experienced again same bouts of anxiety, palpitations, headache (may be due to fever or thoughts being in freeze mode).

Since morning, I have been trying different ways to ease off my body i.e. clapping exercise, deep focused breathing, listening to calming music or chants, hot water shower, cooking etc.

But my being is just unable to ease off. And at last I am here to seek ease and tears rollout and I know that's the first step to ease, for me....

I guess I should apologise to my eyes for this but also thank for being my partner in ease.

I have been thinking a lot about what is the cause of such unease, overwhelm and disconnect from one's own body...

Let's first explore what is it that I call uneasiness:

1. Shivering in legs 
2. Palpitations even when sleeping 
3. Unexplained Fear
4. Restless 
5. Overthinking or constant thoughts leading no-where 
6. Struggling to focus

Let's now dissect the thoughts:

1. Friend's dad condition deteriorating or with every new day a new challange and they experiencing acute financial shortfalls. No or less contact about friend's whereabouts puts me in panic and also guilt for being limited in ways I can extend support.
2. Piled-up work to dive-in, right after vacations and an additional responsibility being lined-up. Physically, me being under the weather is choking me and also making me question the whole purpose of me working? at the cost of my well being?. To me, all I know, I am just facilitating financial wellbeing but nothing that my soul feels belonged to and I do not know which way to take or head to fix this aspect of my life coz I feel I should just quit. 
3. Added stress of a lot going around in life and in my head + complete isolation from family on matters important to me (alone) and I know they will not understand and I do not know what or how to collaborate on that front or with whom?
4. Seeing a loved one in distress crushes me completely and make me question the meaning of life.  What are we all chasing? Or atleast do I know what I want from life? 
5. After call with dad yesterday, and getting to know that he could guess why the the girl's side is not moving ahead with the first meet and greet as a part of marriage proposal (for my brother)...his words put me in a bit of stress that how such small things disturbs them at such deep level. And It nudges me to reflect at what they would have gone thru when I denied to get married and wasn't there to support them emotionally either.
6. Sometimes, I feel a relationship gone wrong or one being rejected or ghosted also adds to low self-esteem and we start to see ourself in that light of - Good for nothing and it follows us everywhere and is a heavy burden on heart. I hope we all know and feel we are loved.
7. At days I feel who is it that I call as mine...I scanned thru list of people - my Parents, family, brothers, friends and I do not find an answer to it and it scares me. It's not just about officially calling someone as my own and also feeling belonged to, which is most important for me. With current self-awareness and reflections that I have had in the last 1.5 years I do not know what is right or wrong, the choices I felt safe in or the plan that life has for me...which is only visible in tiny landscape..one at a time.
8. It also occurs to me that my being is fearful of life...for no specific reason except that of may be getting hurt, betrayed, left alone and old age and what comes with it...

I really donno if I am feeling any better but the tears are all shed and the bottled feeling is eased off.

May God give ease and peace to all🙏

Journey Homeward, Within

Just when the swelled tear was about to drop, the driver asked, "what location to Google, for the drop mam?"

I helped him map my drop location and settled with my back leaning towards the seat, allowing myself to immerse in and let my feelings surface and find it's way out...either as words or tears. Eventually both were eager and took turns🤷‍♀️. I can say it's customary too... ?😄

Sitting in the rear seat, closer to left window, feeling the cold wind brushing my face and moist along the tear trails on my cheeks, my eyes finding solace looking at vast greyish- blue sky, airplanes landing, the beautifully lit exits roads and billboards; completely resisting the mad rush of taxies and cars rushing back towards the city.

The quietness of the sky kindled my heart and at one moment, I wondered, what if I could Google my feelings and map them too. My heart would have been so much at ease; probably eyes too could have shed a little less tears.

I am not sad. The tears could be from the multitude of thoughts and feelings I am going thru - that of the last 10 days, all the travelling but arriving no-where, the soujourn while I swiped photos on my phone that reminded me of key events and conversations or laughters etc, of work or withdrawal from work, of the madness and rush of city life, of thoughts of isolation or things I do to keep myself busy, of songs that eases me or nudges me and much more. 

I let myself shed those tears so I can breath easy. 

I, then asked myself why is it that my heart and being feels empty? Was the holiday not enough? And I realised it was never about holidays, it was about me trying hard to reconnect with my roots with such extensive travels and making that effort to meet them all. Bitter and hard to share but - to feel at home in those smell of the house, kitchen, habits or events recreated or just walking in those isolated quite lanes or amongst my own people or with them, doing things that I use to growing up, meet and live with the same people to create that ecosystem I lost long ago....

But I am sorry for myself, my being slowly started to come to terms with letting go, not put myself too much on the pedestal of responsibilities and pull back.

Anyways, just writing my feelings here helps and my heart starts to feel home. And now I wonder, how I crossed oceans and met people but at last the howllowness of my heart could create symphony only in the acknowledgement and an honest validation of my own feelings, purely without any judgements or criticism.

While I was cleaning notes on my phone, I came across a saved post from one of the WhatsApp shareing and that became the anchor for me...

*Would like to share a few lines with you.....*

The longing for things

 that you could not have,

the yearning for places 

you were not destined to arrive. 

Wistful memories of what was 

not ever meant to be. 

Regret for not being who 

you thought you would become. 

These hallucinations of the soul 

are agonizing prisoners 

that must be pardoned and released. 

Clear the room. 

Open the door 

and let them leave.

And in this space, 

you’ll paint a glorious existence 

of being here with presence 

and contentment for what truly is 

a relevant and meaningful life. 

~an excerpt from Susan Frybort's extraordinary new book, 'Open Passages',

--

@blr home, I got the best arrival gift! My first peace lily bud 😌❣️

Thank you love.💕

Where am I with my holiday wishlist?

(on Bus, BPF to IDR)

I am nearing end of my Diwali holidays and it's also the time to review the wishlist and see if I have made any progress :)

Just to remind myself, the list was also with the intention to prioritise happiness 😌 

1. A family road trip to Rajasthan or train trip to Goa.

Nope. I guess I was too ambitious. Well, what took place instead was - Family gathering for my birthday, Visit to Aunty's Family, Train trip to Nani's place (mom and me), Dhaba dinner with Maternal Family and much needed home-made beaten coffee by a bro and with brothers ❣️✍️. (may be a small bit where I could let go discipline of sleeping early, not having any beverages late at night etc and just flow with ease and cherish my coffee which was just awesome)

2. Painting mandala with all family members.

Nope. But we did do a lot of Diwali Rangoli and decorations, we engaged in warli wall art and we did some snacks prep for Diwali, and that includes a bit of creativity too :).

(Hand drawn sketch from Papa on my birthday)

3. Introduction to muscle building exercises for elderly (online course)

Yup, partially successful. Ordered stretch bands and resistance tube along with pedal cycle for all elderly to get into routine of exercise. Let's see how far it goes 

4. Indulge in Self love & care

 - Complete reading Wayne dyre: your erroneous zone.

Only could read one chapter.

- make water colour painting.

Did only wall paintings and Rangoli

- buy AK Ramajunam's Folktales from India 🍁✍️

Successfully completed.

++ I took this day today to cut short my visit at Maternal uncle's family and head IDR to meet with few of my friends, cousins and family of one of my uncle. This will be the last day of my time away from work.

When I ask myself how am I feeling at this very moment? my answer is :

Numb. Sleepy and Hungry.

The different lifestyles I get to live and see with my own extended families makes me feel a little overwhelmed. The setup of families where they are together but not emotionally free or may be I over indulge and read too much between lines but I had to be true to myself that seeing it all disturbed me and continue to disturb me. 

The expectations, show-off or the pressure to put a happy face all the time hurts me.

Anyways, I trust everyone's journey of life is their own and possibly the best for them. I need to tell myself that there is nothing wrong in choosing a path that is a bit different or completely different than the usual for all and if I do not vibe with my own tribe. Tanu, it's all ok. Probably you bring a fresh perspective of the world to them so do not feel ashamed or at a fault, you are doing the best you can and being the best. (💕)

Sleepy...Yup, slept late and woke up early and stressed.

Hungry... Could take tea and snacks before leaving home as it was way too early in the morning & a bus journey ahead. Let's hope the bus stops for breakfast :)

Blessed to be called as their's

Yup, it took me little longer to internalize all that took place on 3rd Nov.... no, I am not yet there in it's totality.

Mum had planned a lunch at home and invited my late Grand father's brother, his wife, their son and daughter-in-law. This set of grandparents, with them, I had the most fond memories of my childhood - Gardening with home-made tools, playing in the soil without any restrictions, going to "Tagor park" with grand-dad,  Helping my granny with vegetable chopping and without any apprehensions, asking her all that bothered me or which my tiny brain couldn't decipher.

Everyone was so excited about the gathering/ lunch and the morning hours were rushed to make arrangements, get the food ready, dusting house etc. 

That day, my eldest uncle gave me a rose from his garden and later a silver coin. He loves kids and he is one of the members in family I feel deeply connected to. Aunt woke me up with a kiss on my cheeks ...(frankly, I am not accustomed to such greetings and felt a bit awkward, but I respect her gesture and love).

My day was filled with showers of love. 

Dad was back from farm to attend the party and I din't realise how much that meant to me until I blurted out " oh! papa is coming?"; when mom was sharing who all will be around.

I am not sure if I could really feel a part of it all or was involved emotionally, but now that I am in train, a bit distant from them all...it makes me think, how blessed I am. How much they all love me, and I am glad that my birthday became the reason for them all to come together, have some meaningful conversations, build bridges that were emotionally burnt with a few members, laugh and just be. 

In the evening, I had a chance to visit one of my Aunt's paternal family too.

Then next day, my parent's Punjabi friend wanted to treat us for my birthday....(Sometimes I love this belonging in small towns where hearts are open to all and caring)

Amidst all, I continued to stick to my yoga and meditation routine and self reflection. One thing that made me the most happy was - a whatsapp post by my sis (the pic - me and her daughter) + the new book.

I know I wasn't there at that moment but probably someday my heart will be greatful for each one of their presence in my life and love 🙏❣️✍️.

Thank you Maa & Papa.

You are allowed to start again :)

The day started on a blissful note with messages, content coming my way with such deeper meaning leading to better clarity and as a reminder, my life felt a bit more blissful and lighter.

One of those video notes said, 

"You need to learn to put a stop/ end to the sad story/ies that you have been telling or writing about, because unknowingly you are manifesting them in your life. All you can do now is - Let it Go! Believe in new thriving life and write about them. Allow yourself that grace!"

And it touched my heart. As true it can get, I needed to hear this and I heard it.

Later, I was searching for some inspiring pictures or artwork to fill my soul and the pic copied below was like coming home.

Loved that raw note below 👇 ...

And yes!! I have my book delivered to me :)

Love n Grace, Tan😘🤗❣️! Happy reading.

A love letter to self

Before it's - next day. I wanted to write a love letter to myself. This thought sounded too kind for me to muster the courage to accept it. 

A few thoughts formed in mind and disappeared soon enough; as it started to feel overwhelming.

Well, I would still want to write whatever minimal I can -  to that limitless spirit, that heart of an ocean, smile that's sunshine that instill hope, know that I acknowledge that your journey hasn't been the usual one, you trodden on paths you thought where yours at every step, your encounter with your own truth and reality made you judge yourself and get critical, ease or comfort where far off and you were all by yourself in it!, Pushing hard to carry on with each passing day, forgetting to acknowledge your own needs and purpose. Navigating each uncertain moment, day, weeks, months and years became synonym to you. 

But you took it all with the willingness to honour life with all that you could, with weaving the journey thru moments and friendships that brought joy and acted as an anchor. You continue to meet people with same kindness and love that they deserved, you held on to your Level of hope, even when you were shattered knowing that your own folks never deeply understood you.

Juggling many things, You do regret that your actions caused hurt to your own folks but acknowledge - afterall you are a human and cannot get good to all at all times. 

Seems like the remainder of life wouldn't be enough to pour all that I feel for you but I know you are tired and need to rest and hence, I wrap-up with love and only love to illuminate your being. Enough forgiveness to allow healing, ample moments of deep felt gratitude and bliss. Loads of love, Tanu.

Takecare.

P.s. may this letter serve you like a warm hug,  anytime you get back to it.