Feeling of 'not-being safe'

A short walk in these wet lanes, roads that are covered with various flowers and having mini puddles  at the bevelled and  curvy edges on either sides of it. 

I had stepped out for a morning ginger chai and  returned back to the guest house. 

Laying here in my room, twisting and turning on the bed for almost an hour... from some deeper level of consciousness, I was forced to pause and do a simple check-in with self, what my body is experiencing, what signals am I getting, my feelings etc

One by one I started to observe, my eyes were feeling tired and were poppy (when I saw them in mirror), though I was experiencing peace in my immediate surroundings, my heart was vigilant.

I thought inner child affirmations might help and turned them on on YouTube. Slowly, yet deeply the words were sinking-in, and at one point I knew what I was going thru....

A feeling of "not-being safe". And I clearly knew that this wasn't from any place or anyone but presence of Mom around on this trip with me. She is a kind hearted person but while she entered into her motherhood journey, her ecosystem was possibly not as safe or comfortable and her whole being turned out differently, especially for her kids and husband. 

And me, growing up in that environment crumpled as an individual, completely forgetting the importance and need for an identity as a 'self'. My innocent childhood was hooked to safeguard herself against the harshness of wounding words, threatening stares, anger, what if something goes wrong, of failing my parents etc.

And today, fast fwd. ~37 years, the palpitations says it all, the uneasiness that I struggled to leave behind says it all. It's not easy...

But I am glad for this elevated space of awareness and knowledge, of tools and resources to change the course...one breath at a time, one conversation (with innerchild) at a time, one forgiving thought at a time, one loving smile at a time, one deliberate attempt at a time -to nurture the self and indulge in all that brings Joy.

(Click from my walk today. Loved those tiny droplets, brighten by the rising morning sun. Those droplets carried and were vibing with vibrant joyous energy)

(This pouring of words here, was one such attempt and none to hurt or condemned anyone, not even in the tiniest corner of my heart)

A heartfelt...

Drafts after drafts, some half written & deleted whereas some still in thoughts...

And atlast, I found what my heart was seeking - an inspiration that is irresistible...

Where 'I', my or "mine" diminished and 'hers'💖🙏🦋 surfaced ...

...Smile.

- a token of love... The lotus flower from Vinayaka temple.

- meeting my tiny friend, Baby Swati.

- Sea Shell I found at the walkway and returned, a genius forgiveness for the shell I promised to return and forgot that at home 

- Nap next to the beach and under the Twilight sky.

- those moments of connecting with the self .

- Ratan ji Tata's legacy 🙏Rip sir 💖।

नाट्य- कला का समय हो गया...

चोट खाकर फिर गिरती हूं,

गिरकर, फिर उठती हूं,

कभी चोट की चुभन को सहती हूं,

तो कभी, उसे भी अपने हाल पे छोड़ देती हूं।

जितना इन सब से डरती थी...

आज कोई न कोई लम्हा उन से गुजर कर,

फिर आगे को चल पड़ती हूं।

पर हां, बस चलती रहती हूं।

रात के एकांत में,

बहुत दफा, इन चुने हुए चंद लम्हों के सुकून में,

बहने देती हूं, हर उस भावनाओं को जो 

शायद दिन के उजाले में,  मुझे कमज़ोर कर देती।

महफूज रहने की आदत जो थी मुझे!

अपनों के साएं में, 

सुरक्षित' उनकी दुआओं में,

घर वालों से सजे घरोंदो में।

जब वक्त आया,

डगमगाते, लड़खड़ाते उन अपनों का सहारा बनने का,

मानो जैसे बोझल होगया, बचपन मेरा।

अभी- अभी तो समझ आ रही थी - जिंदगी, और खुद को, खुद भी!

कि जैसे अचानक, 

मेरी जिंदगी के मंच का परदा उठ गया।

चलो, नाट्य- कला का समय हो गया...🎭

Beneath the surface

Scattered like a fierce rain,

My emotions and feelings, in every vein.

Call it fickle or transient, the encounters with one I refrained!

Tyrant, like a fierce rain,

Washing off' the calm demeanor and surfacing the wrath 

My emotions and feelings, in every vein.

Psyche with layers of absolute strangeness, 

Unfurling every day, 

A new identity in every way!

Overwhelmed, I return to the blank paper 

Decorating  thoughts like a 'metaphor' 

Just like how earth would embrace each season

And finally get to experience rains...

One welcomes healing...

Those girly stuff...

 

... then I ask Mother earth, 

can I just be me?

can I seek inspiration from her

..find solace,

Find hope and 

Find me ...

in her lap ✍️💕

Main Pal Do Pal Ka Shair Hoon...

I was in the kitchen, baking a millet chapati which has a specific way in which it has to be cooked on a hot pan, by softly pressing them at the edges, using a soft cotton cloth folded in a shape of a bun with its even surface landing at the upper surface of the chapati.

In the background, was a song playing on Alexa - 

"मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है

मुझ से पहले कितने शाइ'र आए और आ कर चले गए

कुछ आहें भर कर लौट गए कुछ नग़्मे गा कर चले गए

वो भी इक पल का क़िस्सा थे मैं भी इक पल का क़िस्सा हूँ

कल तुम से जुदा हो जाऊँगा गो आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ*

पल दो पल में कुछ कह पाया इतनी ही सआ'दत काफ़ी है

पल दो पल तुम ने मुझ को सुना इतनी ही इनायत काफ़ी है

कल और आएँगे नग़्मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुनने वाले

मुझ से बेहतर कहने वाले तुम से बेहतर सुनने वाले "  ......

and a specific *line nudged my heart, made me feel that song even more deeper and see it's deeper essence as a event on my journey of life too.

My chain of thoughts was broken by my mom's presence, she coming on to my left side, towards the kitchen sync and washing some vessel that was in her hand. 

I noticed, this was the third time she was washing one vessel at a time and I pointed it to her that this wastes a lot of water and why do you do that?, I have told you to keep it all stacked and I will clean them. 

Thats all! and she got explosive and remarked that I treat her like her servant, that I do not respect my own parents, that I am always against her and keep taunting her over and over for every small things, that may be she is less educated than me and probably that is what I consider as an upper edge from that of her experiences, sacrifices. She said, I have had good last one month and do not want any arguments for last few days. 

I was taking all those words with a calm demeanour so far, and questioned each one and clarified specifically the one on - Servant treatment and said I do not even think such thoughts rather she needs to look deeper where is it coming from and not blame me or her kids with such baseless blames. 

I left kitchen and got back to my work desk which is what I have been doing since I have left home at an early age.

Sitting here, pouring my heart out, to make peace within, find solace, find self and may be some hope or may be NOT! Give it all up, any which ways it is what it is and what greatness I am aspiring for? and for or from whom? 

The funny part is when these thoughts find an expression as words, here or on a paper, it haunts me deeper, Tears that I thought have got matured and wouldn't make me feel ashamed of myself start to pour like a overflowing dam. Each feeling becomes a sharp knife that stabs me at the same wound over an over.  It feels like every day is extremely uncertainty and why not! may be that is the way God wishes me to be...

How momentary life is! just yesterday I was so thrilled, full of life and all it took was few words to crush me down completely, breakdown into tears and wonder what did I do wrong?

I was told, I have been living on my terms and never bothered to agree to parents (probably a attack my choices of people or relationship I chose); yes that true, I did it because I was little, suffocating, had to go toward life because that's what my natural instinct called me towards,...not to harm anyone or badmouth anyone and not even seek anything from anyone  because eventually I am and will turn out to be the one as the black sheep.

Anyways,  मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है....

(I am grateful that I have this space as mine, to shed some tears and feel lighter, to not be dependent over a place, people or event to fix me or my emotions, to take support of words to feel alive and let it all go...that which burdens me, to be able to continue with work, life with people who make me feel home....)

Blessing of having old friendships & connections

Deeply greatful for such an energizing day! A super packed workday, topped by an afternoon with an old colleague and a dear friend, followed by meeting the funds advisor/ friend :)

I am amazed how I travelled a whole circle from that of south to the north of BLR and back, just to get from home to office to the meeting place to another cafe and back to the street cafe and then to MG road and then to metro 😆.

But, none of that mattered infact me feeling so energized to even write this! In wee hours i.e. 11.16pm, speaks for itself. 

I feel as if I not even registered anything about traffic, pollution, honking, the journey I made in metro, changing the trains from one route to another (one of the most dreaded part for me, that too at a peak rush hour), standing all thru the journey due to unavailability of seat or rather I was so deeply happy in my head, thoughts😊....after a long time...and I am greatful.

Those talks, sharing about work, hardships, growth, lessons, behaviours, laughter + the pressing need to pack all those stuff to discuss in that short span of time....ha ha ha was madness overloaded.

Building new connections, reviewing the portfolio understanding new terms reflecting upon them was a fulfilling day. 

(And some photography)

Also, the blessings and grace of God, the minimal financial support I could lend to the needy, in times of crises made me feel more grounded, not because I am able to boast about it or wanted to, but because, I am able to understand my own emotions and relationships with money better and I am able to reflect on opportunities to be more of service than a hoarder which I had started to think and belive for myself. I am loving myself a .1% more today :)🙏

thank you God 🙏✍️💖