Art is forgiving

💕 Love you T!

A sight to capture in ❤️

So yes, at last,there was a smile....seems after the park visit - walk & workout, Mom was calmer and was open to talk calmly....no, no discussion about our argument from this morning but general about dinner etc.

We had our dinner in the open varandah. I later cleared the table and did the chores. 

After completing, I was stepping out from the main door, towards balcony, the evening sky shone bright burning yellow and with lights off (as we were both sitting in the balcony), the door looked more like a giant frame capturing the mesmerizing sight of the turmeric yellow sky! It filled my heart with warmth.

In the balcony, I pulled a chair back up to sit and my attention was drawn to something moving in foreground of the yellowish pink sky, and it was hard to locate it clearly without staring hard. The motion was at a distance of may be just 20 feet from where I stood, and it was  moving from north to south...

My heart skipped a beat when I realised it was  siege (a group of white herons)! Somehow, I have always associated this sign of spotting a heron in the sky as a sign and reassurance from the supreme energy above...that I am loved and the group conveyed much more love... Than my heart could take or feel.

My excitement was speaking for itself and instinctively I gestured towards mom and asked her to see up towards the sky... Which she did for a brief second and went back to starting her phone, the endless reels. For a second that nudged me a bit and I felt foolish of myself (may be, in my head, the past played again...it said what childish behaviour is that!) but the love I felt from that flight was more powerful.

My being bathed in gratitude. My eyes followed the magistic herons, till I could distinguish them in their flight against the greying sky...

Love flying so close stole my heart 💜🪽 

Thank you God for looking after me and comforting me in most unexpected ways. Love you 🫂💕🙏

Ephemeral Delight

Yup! It is, what it is!. I am living one day at a time but with thousands emotions and feelings. I din't want to jot things down, definately not here! 

I just wanted to soak it up all in, gather some courage to reflect on each of them, as much as I can, understand Body's way of communicating to me...take trips to childhood and pull back the one emotionally suppressed and sabotaged one and stand with her...

I choose to get on to embroidery and complete the pending wildflower flower part that was drawn on the crown of letter 'R', a creative gesture to also tell myself - Girl, you are a queen. You are capable, blessed, loved & lovable. 

I forced myself to focus on each needle stroke and to make sure that the final out come is nothing like my emotions, rather something that lies deep within; a serene heart, that I have had the luck to experience once in a while.

I succeeded in completing one petal of the flower but I was struggling within, unable to break the silent treatment to self and her.... may be that wasn't intentional but the hurt weighed me down, my confidence to even engage. 

I was denied that I could get hurt deeply and get wounded. 

It all started right at the time of my waking up and the door banged for which I called it out (a bit rudely), this was the nth time I was pointing it out after requesting her to be easy and slowly shut the door and not bang it, afterall I am in a rented space and for now, I feel responsible to keep it in as good condition as much I can and definitely not damage it. 

The reaction was as expected - explosiveness with words of shame and ignored.

I had to pull up all my energy to not feel the hurt, breakdown or let anger takeover...I burned deeply within. All I know was to somehow distract myself and get busy with some tapping exercises.

I felt better for a while after exercise, but my appetite died, I skipped breakfast and got busy clearing the house...more so as I am cleaning a piece of my heart that has lost it's lightness and layered with tar of hurt, pain, neglect and betrayal. I took shower but I don't even remember when and how long... probably I was still consumed by my feelings and hurt.

And that feeling, topped with awareness of loosing precious moments of life, such precious time which could have been lived differently to make more happy memories was all lost or atleast I know I failed terribly and gave up. I know, I have avoided long to tell myself that I have lost it all and I am broken deep within. 

The worst is, at such times, all hell break loose and the intensity of hurt magnifies as it recollects the past... ill treatment from others that I allowed, the missed memories from a childhood that could have been mine, a chance missed - a space that gets nurtured in someone's psyche from a healthy mother's love....all without any control or concent from me.

After another hour of self loathing in my emotional tornado, I went to the terrace to attend to a part of my daily chores, to wash clothes. Being under the sky was liberating. It was my safe and trusted space. 

I turned on a YouTube video from the channel - "the wholistic psychologist" about how to get out of freeze mode, how to not be reactive... Her words made deep sense and just the knowing that someone understands, helps a lot to hold the ground strong and hang in there. To accept and work on self, even if it feels as though there is no end to it all and atleast this birth may not be sufficient...

Today is also Mahalaya Amavasya...an ocassion considered to be auspicious and to remember the ancestors. I only had one wish and question, pls help me sustain this birth and take me away from this all and if I am the choosen one to break the cycle and reparent myself, allow me, empower me 💔🙏✍️

I never knew that knowledge could be so painful yet it fails when in combat with desires and emotions. One dies a thousand deaths when a desire to seek the love and nurturing shoots up but the other one is just not what you expected them to be...

I wept, my moist eyes and running nose - red, breath heavy and throat chocked. Earlier I also has a brief episode of me experiencing trembling in my knees and calf muscle ... probably a childhood wiring of insecurity, fear.

Donno why I am remembering a quote that I read sometime back...sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Books

The day had been hectic & productive (only with meetings) and engaging in talks about work life, finance best practices, how demographically  psychology of money differs etc.

The task list was there on my book, as it and for a change I am ok with it because any which ways I wonder what work am I doing...is there any meaning to it?. Well, I am busy planning a day trip with Mom for coming Saturday, to a nearby farms.

Our evening was peaceful, we had early dinner together, rode to visit a nearby temple and attended evening prayers, brought some embroidery threads for a project that I made mom complete for me :) (yes, creative ways to keep her engaged :p). 

Just before she was about to sleep and I was done with my last call from office, I offered her a foot massage and said you will get a professional experience 😅. Just 10 mins into the massage, I could hear her snoring... Witnessing this simple thing gave me so much peace and joy. Seeing her getting into effortless sleep...is a true blessing🤞 and somewhere deep within, probably I had this motherly love pouring out for her, that soul.

Well, I started this post thinking I will keep it simple, short and sweet, just add two pics of the books that I had just downloaded. One that made me literally laugh my heart out and also know that someone with similar default settings (by birth) of crackpots events exists!

The second captured my attention with it's preface. Second one, I have read only few pages but heard a lot of good reviews...so let's see where it takes me.

..but my heart wanted to add some random details from my peaceful day too :)

Anyways,

Happy reading, Ruu ✍️💖

The unconventionals

Yup, it's about the unconventionals...

People, cast, creed, beliefs, genders or relationships!

A part of this whole realm fits 'conveniently' well for me and probably those of mine

Whereas some, seperates me from 'mine'...

Ones destiny can play a very unconventional role at times...

To make one long for love from the time they gain consciousness of themselves,

Land at an unknown land to only make it their own

Without worrying about the conventional ways of being 

And yet, made to breath in the dark marsh with  depths rooted in fear of being found, questioned, shamed or made to feel guilty by none other than those of their own.

For whom to blame? 

The design of one's star?

People, who could have handheld that 'one', thru the conventional path? But weren't ever there.....

Or those that crossed paths exactly when the conventionality wondered?

Well, yes! It's about the unconventionals!

Who chooses to stay mum, even when questioned.

For they, dance to the song of their heart's rhythm...and know no one can ever come closer to those 

One, who feel the burden of being mistaken all over, again and again

For they, choose peace than another war in the exterior of what is their own conventional ecosystem

Very unconventional! Isn't it? 

Shyaad jeena isi ka naam hai 

(🫂)

Flowers

This noon, in cab, returning from work, I was thinking what-if I do a photo post of all the things that brings me joy!😊 

A real and latest set of picture/s about each of those listed events/ experiences ❤️. I later forgot about this thought and reached home. While checking my bag for house key, I noticed some purple danglers from corner of eyes and soon it clicked to me that those are the purple shankh pushp !! And this was the first time they all bloomed in bundles like this. I was overjoyed.

Infact, I had stopped looking after that plant as it was once infected, completely died  and resurfaced on its own 🤷‍♀️😊

Instantly, I felt deep gratitude along with a feeling of shock. I Remembered about my thoughts when I started my trip back home and how the very first on my photo wishlist was that of flowers.

This bloom was a blissful surprise from the supreme above and it felt as if I was heard and answered with love 🥰

Do what brings you joy.

After a deep reflection on each passing moment, events that takes place, feelings and emotions I feel or those that surface, to the information I come across on the www world - sometimes deeply settling and resonating and sometimes uprooting.

I thought it's time to rebuilt self or lay a foundation now, for a probable future. Who knows if there is a time when I might forget who I am or what made me 'me'...I should be reminded - all that matter is 'Joy' and indulging in it is the ultimate...

Here, I ask myself, what is it that brings you Joy T?

T: 

1. spending time in my garden and seeing every leaf, embracing them and feelings the warmth and comfort amidst them and the feeling of awe when mud transforms a seed into a new possibility.
2. Listening to tiny kids in my surroundings, I love the wonder in their twinkling eye and that innocent tone.
3. Sitting by a lake or ocean and just watch the ripples or waves
4. Sleep under the bright open sky.
5. Brew tea.
6. Long walks and deep soulful conversations.
7. A heartfelt laughter shared with tribe that matches my vibes.
8. Being Carefree! Be it dressing, letting the hairs untied or as it and not comb them (but definately not entangled :p)
9. Selfcare in form of herbal massages, yoga, nurturing, love and care.
10. Snuggles and hugs.
11. Art with clay, paper, colours or words.
12. Music and singing in chorus
13. Feeling of coming home everytime I get lost in my thoughts and dissect them.
14. Company of like minded people.
15. Selfless service to mother nature, elderly and cows.
16. Attending satsangs at AOL.
17. Traditional Garba dance.
18. Stationary.
19.  Cooking soulful meals
20. A place I can call home 🤞 (a warm hug, being understood, a tiny bit of love and care, warm hospitality ..)
21. Hugging a tree.
22. Lightning a lamp.
23. Stare at the full moon for hours and converse.
24. Gifting.
25. Dance.
26. Hot chocolate in beautiful handcrafted ceramic mugs
27. Wisdom in the company of elderly and respected. 
28. Hearty Stories (books, sharing, letters etc) 
29. Those specific footwear's that I feel - were meant for me :) 
30. Effortless and guilt free sleep.
31. Rains and mountains.
32. Curiosity about different tiny life forms and their behaviours, their world and ways of living. 
33. Butterflies and birds
34. Wildlife sanctuaries and untouched wild forests, amidst mist
35. Tortoise, Elephants and Horses.
36. Trying different hairstyles.
37. Trains journeys and drives.
38. Flowers.
39. Grateful heart. 
40. Mom's heartfelt laughter 
41. The assuring warmth of rising sun that gives me hope.
42. Open grasslands, Hampi and Pondicherry.
43. Coffee shops and conversations.
44. Books and writings that can transport me a different land of their own :)
45. Creating a piece of furniture, art or a landscape.