Solitude & The Song

Bhutan | Dec 21. 2015 

Solitude & the Song (that resonated with the vibes of Bhutan..and are still alive in my heart💝)

May be somewhere this pic help me associate and re-live this peace, a sense of complete safety and blessing in my surroundings.

(Google Search)

What is the meaning of Chamba folk song?

It's a simple and pure song about love. 

A girl is asking her mother how far Chamba is, because that is where her beloved lives. It is said 

that “Nature has music for those who listen..” thus the song of Chamba is a blend of love and nature, which enchants the listener with its melody

Magnitude and the multitude

I needed an answer to my unexplained anxiety which I have been feeling since long but it has gotten too frequent these days. I feel as if my throat is chocked all day and swallowing feels a task, at times I have to induce vomiting so that I can feel a sense of ease in my throat or distract myself with 'The Great Indian Kapil show ', some peppy songs, at times hot chocolate or just gazing at the night sky and traces of moving clouds from my open terrace.

Sometimes it's funny, yet exhausting, to not be able to identify what we feel and gets even more complex if it's rather a flood of emotions, completely consuming the ease.

Many-a-times, there are these underlining deep and un-healed or even unattended hurt, trauma, that gets triggered with something so trivial and the source of such triggers go unnoticed. And sometimes it's the healing that is taking place with the surfacing deep stored feelings and thoughts.

Yes , it gets exhausting...not denying the heaviness and unhealthy sobs.

As always, Google search is my best buddy in such times; my friend in need. One who is available physically and emotionally, one that is considerate and non-judgmental...and offcourse so patient with me :)

I tried hard to settle down and do a quick check-in with self and what surprised me was the heaviness of defeat (probably) I am still carrying in my heart...the defeat of being Ghosted.

Probably my ego is wounded too and I am still in denial of that. I went ahead and searched on Google...

"Why do I feel anxious after being ghosted?

Ghosting takes away the opportunity to talk and process, which can allow healing. But without conversation, it can cause someone to question their worth, what they did wrong and [if] the person ever really like[d] them. This can lead to trauma and other severe emotions like depression or anxiety."

Why am I so upset about being ghosted?

"Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection," says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. "It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years

This then lead me to a cosmo blog which further dwelled into why any particular gender would ghost the other and different real-life scenarios from different age groups.

The new awareness from all this knowledge helped me make peace with myself but I am still far away from dealing with this multitude of Trauma and it can takeover anytime and leave me more damaged than I have been. It troubles me to the point that I ask myself over and over - Did I deserve this? ...and the self critique, agrees to it.

I am possibly also going thru a phase of victim mindset... but that's ok... atleast that is something familiar to me. 🤗

And I signoff with a self reminder...this too shall pass...Breath...be kind to yourself...

Traditional Bath powder

It was a Saturday morning and I was out for breakfast. Post Breakfast, I was strolling in a nearby shopping complex which is a great hub for all raw materials for art, craft, trailoring needs, dress and fabric cut pieces, Grandhige/ Pansari (religious and herbal items shop) and a few fast foods chains. My day was planned and had to meet a friend after a hour and a half, so I had brought a few dress for alterations which were long pending (~6 months)  and for some great reason, today was the day!

I was actually too early at the complex and shop owners were just starting their day. luckily, a tailor was available and I checked with him if he can help with the dresses alterations and to my surprise, he was super quick. I felt as if I have won a war! A feeling of great achievement after effortlessly completing this pending task.

I then thought to just go around the complex and do some window shopping. As I stepped in, I saw a Grandhige shop and I don't know for what reason, I remembered about a bath powder recipe that I had seen on YouTube.

The background is -  I have been trying to get one particular brand of herbal bath powder and the manufacturers were promising me false dates, I continue to wait and sometime a I forgot about it and the wait continued. One fine day, I even asked them if the business is down and if I can. Help in anyway as the product was really soul satisfying. After a few days, I gave up and in my frustration, I googled that particular brand and the method of preparing similar bath powder.

Luckily, I came across a video uploaded by someone from UK who was sharing this recipe of her grandmother who was originally from down south, India. My heart was convinced after hearing the ingredients list that this recipe is very close to what I was seeking. 

Then what! In my urge to resolve this bath powder issue, I stopped at the shop and with hesitation and dint want to disappoint the shopkeeper (as I was the first customer who is also considered auspicious and sets the vibes for that day's business for the Businessman, as per Indian belief), I asked a few raw materials from that list of "traditional bath powder recipe on YouTube".

Firstly I asked the shopkeeper if he has material for bath powder and as a ritual...some googley has to happen na!

His response was, yes mam which bath? - Tomato bath, vangi bath..etc etc. and I couldn't hold my laughter and laughingly told him it's bath (Snana in kannada) not any rice bath (kannada word for rice). Another Oldman, sitting with his head buried behind the newspaper also started to laugh 😂. For my sanity of mind, I assumed he was the shopkeeper father...

Well, the young chap at the shop was very supporting and was letting me define the quantity, play pause, revised the video numerous times to figure out each of the ingredients and their measurements and purpose and the kannada or common names for easy identification. He also offered me a pen and paper so I can note it down for my ease. I felt happy and home (probably I felt like being at my Bade Papa's grocery shop where we would go on special festivals to manage the overflowing customers).

I somehow gathered most of the raw items form him along with some Bheem saini camphor for my friend and some hand rolled cotton wicks for oil lamp for my home.

I would have easily spend close to 90 mins at that shop and my mind has already planned the next steps as soon as I reach back home.

My friend arrived and we both had lunch and departed. After returning home, I straight away rushed to the kitchen, pulled out a few large plates to dry the material in the sun, and sat with them in the hot...and spoke to mom, dad, aunt etc etc. I was surprised that the level of life infused in me the involvement I felt for this project that the scorching sun dint bother me and I was ok to be roasted along with the raw stuff !

Fast forward...after almost ~25 rounds of grinding different materials, seiving them with a broken seive 😪 and again fine grinding the granular ones....with messy kitchen slab, powder all around on floor and walls...I continues and reached the final phase of two bottles of powers one to store longer and one with legumes Powder that should be prepared for a short shelf life and to be mixed in the other herbal powder.

Anyways, the important aspect of all this exercise was that I was deeply present and involved, It was a level of ease and peace I felt after a long long long time and my every cell was joyous all through the process...as if I am in lap of Mother earth and her gifts are all I am using to make something earthy for myself. I felt so could do it again and again. i felt so alive..I never knew this version of myself and....

That night I slept peacefully and yes, the traditional herbal bath powder turned out to be the exact replica of what I was looking for❣️ (a little more self-love grew in me)

(Dated: 25th May 2024)

Buddha Poornima and 'The Guru'

After dinner, I returned home and was parking my two wheeler. Just then,  I hear my cellphone beep...it was an invite notification from the yoga institute to join the live 'Full Moon' Meditation via YouTube, starting at 8 pm.

I had read about this Purnima (5/23, Full Moon night) that it was the most auspicious one; it was Buddh Poornima (the day when Gautama attained Nirvana). I had totally forgotten about this date but the notification was well in time and I decided to participate in the meditation. I was running a few mins late to the livestreaming and my usual routine for such meditations is to do them under the open sky, at the open terrace -  feeling the vastness and mystic nature of the celestial beaut! One that of the blanket of sky decorated with the luminisence of the Moonlight.

I was excited! I had taken my yoga mat with me and as I sat for meditation, I took some time to settle with the rush and anxiety.

Slowly, I started to focus on the discourse while adoring the Irresistible beauty of the moon. It was a cloudy evening and moon was partially visible due to the heavy mass of moving clouds but it was a wonderful feeling to just continue to gaze at it.

The discourse started acknowledging the importance of this full moon and how we all should be under the grace of a Guru (the guiding light) and that statement made me ponder as to who is my Guru?..Do I even have one?... possibly I do, I had requested God in my childhood to handhold me in one of his own forms and guide me in my life. In my mind I scanned thru all people in my life, religious Guru's, Idols of God and Goddess and wondered who is my Guru?. Gazing the passing clouds, almost as if I was surfing thru my eyes in the belief that the veil of clouds would disappear and I would get a glimpse of the full moon before it goes away again, I asked the soft and shimmery moon - If it would know who my Guru is? And just like that, I felt a  transition in my mind, I was transported back to a moment when I was sitting at a dark corner of the Pondicherry promenade beach on a a Full moon night and I was engaged in deep conversation with the gushing waves as they were something that soothed me on my days when I was too lost, alone, carried deep hurt and a baggage of abandonment. The whole experience was surreal and the moving clouds were adding a element of waves, one that I had witnessed at Pondy. 

And that's that! I had my answer. I recollected numerous trips that had taken to just be by the beach, any time of the day, something pulled me towards it all the time and Yes, it wouldn't be wrong if I say that Pony Beach has been my Guru, my guiding light, my safe heaven and home, my inner calling, and compass. My inspiration and source of wisdom in those wordless conversations, my book reading buddy and my heart ❣️

I it made me realise how perfect the anatomy of celestial plan is....even in that movement of cloud over the shiny moon has a purpose ....to create an illusion of sea waves and how beautiful and timely the revelation was. 

Create and co-exist

Sometimes the paints are dipped in the tears of agony,  thru them emerges an artwork. 

One, that keeps the boat of life, afloat. And to the artist, each of those trusted stokes of paint brush gives meaning to hopeless days and the will to continue...to create and coexist.

 

The chords : personal experience with Music and Love

If a musician hasn't experienced the whole spectrum of emotions, will s/he be able to produce the most soulful of the gifts for this world - That Music? One that is slowly nurtured, marinated in time, crafted in layers of essence, cultivated with the highs & lows of scales, one with a deep sense of partnership! such deep that the work translates itself as one's better-half ... A part of self.

Since long, a question was nudging me in my mind; repeatedly - is it possible to love the other with all that we have?.. with all possible complexities and challenges of life?  Events that are capable of even twisting the complete equation...

Is it possible? 

I wonder, especially for those souls and hearts, one who weren't as previledged to have experienced the depth of love firsthand; that delicate balance of love, of surrender and pride, of joy and hurts, of forward moves to sudden pauses...

 I resonated deeply with an insta post, that said: "Trauma heals in connection. Trauma is a violation of relationship and a connection fulfills it."

The question now, is -   what choice of connection?, Knowing fully well, that sometimes, the very choice one makes could unknowingly be also a trauma response. And strangely, there is this power within us - of 'making the choice': whether to continue or drop it all or grow together further in awareness.

And making a choice doesn't have to be unkind. Each individual in any relationship is also a seperate identity and this choice of one could definately be a challenge for the other party to navigate thru or even understand the weak foundation of relationship dwelled in trauma, immediately, more so when the course of life is way different. But my belief is - if the foundation was laid on open conversations, mutual trust and care, life will give opportunities to evolve in the partnership and then it is upto the involved individuals to walk along the journey of ease and that of course-correction.

I call such connections 'chords' in the music of my life❣️

And adding this song that I first heard from some stranger around Pondy beach and the tune stuck with me and the song is being played in loop now :)

To be understood...

Those days are weird when your mind is fogged and you can't point on one particular feeling that you are experiencing and identify that yeah this is what I am going thru....

My evening was somewhat similar and I shed some tears under the hot shower in bath, to ease my body and emotions... Realised I am missing my Daadi's (Grandmother) presence dearly! 

She was my safe space, my peace and would have answers to all my confusions and questions. How idiotic it is that someone who has left this earth long ago is suddenly on the top of one's memories, almost as if my heart is seeking her in and around the four walls of my house believing she may appear for me....and the reality hit me hard and I sob uncontrollably. I want to ask her why she left me, dint she care that I would need her?

May be she had a better purpose elsewhere because of the loving and kind being she was🫂. I recollect the buried memories of  her presence and my childhood with her. I never felt this way for her ...this void....this yearning....her death was peacefully accepted as she had lead her life blissfully and that stayed with me till date. Her presence in my life was my biggest blessings and I trust that I have had absorbed her teachings in everyway I could. But for some unknown reason it all is failing me today. How, like a bird, I gather the courage to build my humble nest for the day and the sudden blow of the winds of emotions, memories or triggers scatter it away and distroys it all. 

I feel mean for seeking her when I needed that safe space for myself and asked - How it would have helped me with if she was around? And the only answer I heard was - to be understood 💔. I brokedown again and let the streams of tears flow....they needed to be let out for all things that I am trying to make sense of and yet for all the times that I am misunderstood 🙏.

I would like to remind myself that -The wound is the place where the Light enters you.   ~rumi.

I don't know anything about the light yet but for sure, I wanted to feel this wound and make peace with it....flow with it and just be.

(I miss you, Bai. Will you meet me soon?...take me in your embrace and tell me that all will be ok...)