On the printed sheet of the Big A## calendar, While I was writing the key mindfulness events from the day, today, I realised it's almost end of the first month of 2025. For some reason, it feels very strange to me, so scattered or may be something building up after being in pieces for so long...
I asked myself - how did I do so far?. No specific parameters to evaluate or judge, but in general about the ease, emotional wellbeing, daily habits, travelling or anything I made space for, something new.
In the first place, what pushed me to take this step about tracking my days, months and eventually the year was the similar calendar from 2024 l, where each month was marked with some travel, the events were not at all pre-planned but only one thing was static - completing reading twelves books and with each journey or outside or during office commutes, I was lost in stories, the mental imagery my mind was creating for me and how I was flowing with the different genres each time I picked up a new book was such deep soulful experience 🫰
Coming back to this year, I had thoughts and some very fancy plans or commitments and I am very sure it all can take place but I acessed my heart and asked - when I look back, what is it that will really make me happy ? Is it this planning or something else?. The truth was - life's surprises. Finding something meaningful in each day and flowing with that, in the awareness that I can make it all more beautiful and be more compassionate in any given moment.
Yes, some underlined, practical promises (to self) i.e, trying a new routine for a wholistic wellbeing (tagda Raho), taking meaningful steps to clear loan this year, invest time and plan holidays to spend more time travelling and meeting extended families and relatives with family etc should still be there but not to the extend that it all feels a compulsion and this whole exercise becomes a insecurity....
I returned yesterday from my vacations and I am proud of myself that I took one extra day off to just be....but I feel I wasted the day by mindlessly scrolling my phone and doing laundry...infact the later part of my day was very close to anxiety, I tried journaling and wrote a few line about the activation points....like the recent trip, Dad being here but my emotions, resuming work and the resistance or aversion I feel, Dad's knee pain and surgery in coming months, ageing of parents and probably the biggest fear of loosing them someday, I ask myself have I done enough or anything for them or just hurted them...later, I was distracted and left it half way. I took refuge in a thirty mins sleep...:(
In the evening, I had plans to meet Dad who is in town, attending a two day workshop at a center nearby and is also staying there...but we couldn't meet as he got busy.
I pushed myself out of my functional freeze state and first thing I did was to take a shower, coordinated some Gaushala donations, stepped out to visit a temple, purchased some goodies for few office colleagues who are visiting for the first time...I enjoyed these two things the most!!
In also realised, I did attend to this Blog too!! And that makes me happy. 💝
So on that happy note. Good night to me ✍️🫂🤗
