All izzZz well!

 Ho ho ho!! 

No it's not the Christmas celebration but of the knowledge that all the dipressive post could possibly also have been a result of vitamin B12 deficiency 😅.

So, I had my followup consultation with the doctors a day back and learned that I have B12 and D deficiency and was prescribed a few meds...

I had returned home and did a bit research about what are the symptoms or side-effects of low vitamins and was surprised and shocked to learn about low mood or sadness or even brain fog.

Anyways, it's not one-hundred percent that that's the case with me at this point because a lot has happened, a lot I struggle to let go, a lot taking place as we move forward or struggle to move with life and a lot of it which comes in waves and wipes-off every effort that we portray to the world. With those waves the hurtful voices and language that we use for self; amplifies and just one such wave is enough to being the dune to dust.

Well, that's the nature of life afterall...

Now what's next with me and my beloved B12 and D? Nope....no meds at all. Just earth. Shall see how I fix it but there is a inner voice that says - Yes, you can and you will!!

The GP also witnessed some irregularities in my ECG or say heartbeat?...I wanted to laugh at that moment when she mentioned it and wanted to state to her that - You should be thankful the heart is still beating after all the beatings it has taken... knowingly or unknowingly 😉. Well, how does that matter to them anyways...

The Gyno was cool one and unlike the general doctors and was kind while she attended me and I requested her not to prescribe any meds. She heard me but had to suggest two things - some probiotics and incase in future, I feel like taking some tests/ scans... she wrote them down. 

I sometimes wonder, how complex yet beautiful is female body. Modern science can talk and write lengths about it but no two bodies are same nor can they point at one particular cause Or behaviour....I love the disguise nature of such bodies. But when looked after...both emotionally and physically they are the best companion and equally rewarding.

I won't lie, after the consultation, I was a bit a scared listening to all the extra cautionary words and possibilities and took almost two days to settle down. 

Infact, I was so paranoid that when me and my neighbourhood friends went grocery shopping and they mentioned that they do not want too much stuff as they will be travelling to home-town again, I blurted out that if my BP is not ok then come back soon and the funniest part was the shocking look from a lady next to me who was busy filling some grains in the same super Market but turned instantly towards me and I couldn't control my laughter and told her ...I am sorry was just kidding...and that my BP is normal 😅. 

Probably, that lady herself was dealing with some health issue and was concerned.

Anyways, I got to make a promise to myself to keep myself in a better place physically and emotionally so that when I am at the last step of life I sail out effortlessly. Yup, I thought about this today when I visited a temple and was standing amidst a long que but almost at the last step and I also remembered that in Hinduism they believe - when leaving the temple premises the devotees sit at the exit steps and chant a shloka that is more like a prayer seeking blessings from the supreme to help  navigate the last stage smoothly, as much possible.

Rest is all well and I guess I shall tell myself..

all izzZz well!! 😅 Ek movie to watch karna Banta hain ❣️🤗

Why do I write?

I asked myself why do I write?

I was blank for a minute because I never thought about myself in seperation from writing, it was always a part of who I am.

And then, the next moment a platheora of reasons, beliefs, emotions associated with writing started to emerge.

But when the thoughts and feelings settled, I was embracing momentary quietness from all the surrounding beliefs and observations...I was then sitting with myself just me and me alone.

It occured to me then, to reflect on the outcomes of such writing....how does it make me feel, is there anything it improves in my life, in any way? Is it some sort of image I hold about myself? Or is it an escape?...

To be honest, the writing helps me go deeper into the deepest of my emotions and feelings. Comb my thoughts, gain perspective. And I know my 'kalam'( कलम/ pen/ nib) will not lie nor mask...it will unveil anything that I personally in my waking life would want to hide away from or avoid.

At the same time, growing up, writing has only been the tool or support that I had around me and for me...one that is free and always available. Probably writing was also my only solace and hope....that kept me alive when I knew I wouldn't be understood or would be suppressed for my unexplainable feelings, emotions or callings...

Writing to me, was and is the only anchor in the transient nature of the world inside and around me.

It keeps me busy, it doesn't demand anything except for the willingness and time on my part. But always has that scope to be improvised and to be made more soulful...just like Dua (prayers).

Writing has also been my humble teacher in life .. especially for days when I would have needed someone by myside, a friend to confide in, a support to lean on, someone to console me or comfort me and help me heal. I learned that time will pass and emotionally things will change, but if we hurt anyone by our spoken intense words...the other will never be able to mend or heal. Hence, I wrote my pains, my confusions, my fears, my prayers, my gratitude, my love, my memories and my dreams....the connection grew stronger with every written word and passing days which turned to years.

Some days it was also about my life's timeline...and sometimes, it was about the intense episodes that were the building blocks in that timeline.

One thing that I thought will not revel was - I couldn't trust anyone more than my writing to be 'me'. I could only surrender to the white paper and the ink of my thoughts. Rest, I was left wondering or in blame or deep hurts whenever I got involved with people or say matters of the heart.

Anyways...yes, I do write and writing nurtures my soul.❣️✍️