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Sunday, May 19, 2024

To be understood...

Those days are weird when your mind is fogged and you can't point on one particular feeling that you are experiencing and identify that yeah this is what I am going thru....

My evening was somewhat similar and I shed some tears under the hot shower in bath, to ease my body and emotions... Realised I am missing my Daadi's (Grandmother) presence dearly! 

She was my safe space, my peace and would have answers to all my confusions and questions. How idiotic it is that someone who has left this earth long ago is suddenly on the top of one's memories, almost as if my heart is seeking her in and around the four walls of my house believing she may appear for me....and the reality hit me hard and I sob uncontrollably. I want to ask her why she left me, dint she care that I would need her?

May be she had a better purpose elsewhere because of the loving and kind being she was🫂. I recollect the buried memories of  her presence and my childhood with her. I never felt this way for her ...this void....this yearning....her death was peacefully accepted as she had lead her life blissfully and that stayed with me till date. Her presence in my life was my biggest blessings and I trust that I have had absorbed her teachings in everyway I could. But for some unknown reason it all is failing me today. How, like a bird, I gather the courage to build my humble nest for the day and the sudden blow of the winds of emotions, memories or triggers scatter it away and distroys it all. 

I feel mean for seeking her when I needed that safe space for myself and asked - How it would have helped me with if she was around? And the only answer I heard was - to be understood 💔. I brokedown again and let the streams of tears flow....they needed to be let out for all things that I am trying to make sense of and yet for all the times that I am misunderstood 🙏.

I would like to remind myself that -The wound is the place where the Light enters you.   ~rumi.

I don't know anything about the light yet but for sure, I wanted to feel this wound and make peace with it....flow with it and just be.



(I miss you, Bai. Will you meet me soon?...take me in your embrace and tell me that all will be ok...)

Friday, May 17, 2024

Books - My blessings in disguise

Did a book (or books) ever come to you which has an uncanny resemblance with your own life and the stories they carry brings a sense of familiarity? One that can be tagged as 'been there done that'.

Isn't it that the writer writes from Her/his viewpoint and what each reader perceives is unique to their own experiences? more like that of an impression of a thumb?

In my reading journy, I am currently towards the tail end of 'Heal Me', written by Julia Berkley. I had started reading it a long time ago... probably in the year 2015/17. The motivation was my assumption - that it might have an explanation or summary of how various spiritual healing therapies work as I was beginning one of my own. As I progressed with my reading, the book was turning into something totally different and was more about 'Chronic Pain' which the author was dealing with and which almost made her disable and limited in her day-to-day living. The book narrated her journey thru the Chronic pain to her healing with unshakable grit to find solution that spoke to her soul. I was thinking of leaving the book as it without finishing (a rarest of rare phenomenon with me) but then, a close Friend of mine developed sever chronic pain that ran from neck to brain and I went deep in shock and Paranoia as we ran from Doctors to MRI labs. For almost two three years we dint get down to a proper diagnosis of what was the issue and whenever it appeared, it disturbed the whole routine of my friend and it got more challenging when we dint know what to fix. 

And that is how I went back to the same book and as I progressed (utterly slow); dealing with - the unknown, the emotional shift and bearing,  the what if's. I gained my resilience and found solace in this book while I dealt with the hurt one goes thru when they see a dear one being utterly helpless and in Pain. The curiosity that I will be able to find a way out thru this book helped me to continue... but again, I left it  half way as life took over in form of regular visits to doctors, new understanding of the conditions and the challanges that followed all along and we navigated.

After another few years, being on a target of reading one book per week (with office colleagues) I resumed reading this book again as the vibrant red cover page will standout and remind me over and over that I need to finish reading it. It was also the time where I personally had experienced healing therapies which required a lot of  inwardly work and which encouraged to sit with your emotions, give a voice to them and allow them to be felt and acknowledged. The book not only helped me gain more awareness towards people dealing with chronic pain but also understand what a 'Journey of healing' calls for and I think I can write lengths about it too:) ..but better to keep it for another day, another blogpost. That said, I must call-out 'acceptance' plays a biggest role in that journey.

Talking of books, I also read a few beautifully written, soul enriching love tales which were drawn from mythology or stood the test of time. The characters who bore the weight of righteousness, of loving the outcaste, of following the path of love, of Grace, of compassion and how each of it became a work that exhibits timelessness, of distance, of being alive with that one flame of love that stay ignited in times of dispair and wars, that of surrender, that of loss of self and the unborn...it all felt as if I have had been there in some lifetime and experienced that. Some of those books helped me bring acceptance to my 'now' to drop struggle and trust in the path laid by the supreme. 

In someway or the other, it felt as if those books chose me and were so close to the journey of my life and it still shocks me to realise how I received them, just in time for when I needed them the most, to be felt heard and understood!, some bore answers for my life's conditions and some soothed my emotional turmoil. Some became my string of support which helped me continue in my darkest of hours and brought that hope and willingness for ease. Some just walked along in manner of timeless tales and consoled that I am not alone on this Journey I chose.

Reminiscing about how my psychich environment longed for something unknown  and each of those chapters and readings created a bespoke fulfilling experience. How it all was coming to life as I continue to be accompanied with a Book...either on long or short train journeys, at botanical gardens, at the beach shore amidst the gushing sea waves, at airports and in flights, at that one corner of my house beaming with the warmth of sunshine, amidst the monsoon rain drops sounds, at the quite balcony illuminated with the light from street lamp or at those long nights that were a struggle.

All in all...Books turned out to be my blessings in disguise 💓  and I am immensely grateful for each one of them; for the art of writing, for those who crafted the stories, for those who bridged the gaps of past and present.