I Understand...

Sometimes we have surpassed the personal limits of feeling any emotion or particularly the grief and that instead of speaking thru heart throbs deep in the gut. And I have been in that state since yesterday.

What am I feeling?

A deep hurt and mostly something like being disowned or discarded.

Contrastingly -   a deep acceptance and understanding too, which only brings peace to my being. And I drop any sort of complaint or ill  thinking and accept.

I understand...

Sometime actions-  one that are well thought about and comes as a decision only after deep introspection. Listening to all the chatters in our heart and mind. 

I understand when we are loving, we have deep held promises to people we love, one who are above us. I understand we have had to move on. I understand we break ties with our own limiting beliefs and patterns and grow beyond. In all that is which goes on in the exterior, we start to understand ourselves deeply too and slowdown. Gulp the bitterness that was a part of our journeys.

As I write this, a part of me is screaming inside in the deepest of my being but because I have also made promises to my own people to be happy and one which they experience thru me.

I am not saying it is the best way to be but that is all I know - to stick to my words and do me. 

I understand it's time being factored too. And I deeply believe it's all working out in the highest good.

I know this too shall pass and life will never be the same at the deeper layers of  my being. Without any answers to my questions, with a hurt that I feel with all the understanding - for you and for me, I let go.

I let go us, I let go you, I let go me- Who I got to know thru you.

Stay blessed.

And I will continue to tell myself - I love you and I'm with you, because when all channels to willingness and communication closes and hope die a death it never should, we can be our own cheer leader.

Some things and situations cannot be understood or explained ......

 I understand...

Railway stations & Nausea from packing before travel

At last, I decided to make myself a cup of ginger cardamom tea. Had developed a bit of headache while doing my travel packing. I wonder if its me alone who has this weird trauma sort of feeling with packing.....especially when I am travelling to my home. I have few hours to my train and may be 60mins to start from home (BLR) but I wanted to attend to this internally shuffling feeling which degrades the whole experience of travel or even the start of vacations.

I start to feel nauseated while I do my packing. Let us understand at what exact point I get to the peak of it or where I actually start to feel it.

I usually will be very happy with the thought to train journey's....I love them. It feels so soulful. So much that when I am in distresses, my mind and body feel home at a railway station. I remember from my childhood days, I had once ran away from home after an ugly argument with mom and went to railway station (probably that was the only place I knew had a library) and bought a story book to run away from my reality. With this I can conclude that Stories are my distraction or in a way my lifeline which eventually - with the extra seasoning of diversity, I find it at a railway stations.

well...getting back to why in the first place I sat to write this blog post. Packing>Nausea> mind> memories> uncomfortable past> emotionally less comforting childhood?

Recollecting some observations from today's packing - I am usually very organised when it comes to packing and making a list is my bible or half the task done. List of all stuff I plan to carry, work I plan to finish, any shopping that would be needed, reminders about things that I should not forget just because they can be packed only on the day of travel, fall back options incase the shopping wasn't successful or I got bored if it etc etc.

Though my list was ready a almost 15day back. Today again I found myself revolving like any lost planet and the open Suitcase is my sun :D. Most of my clothes considering the number of days of stay are packed but still there are tiny items that somehow will be scattered around it and I will be juggling with what to put where and think a step ahead about what if I would need them mid-way in my journey. 

Half of my pressure gets building thinking of what mom would say - if my choice of dresses are ok or no, do I look enough presentable from her point of view? along with thought about my own comfort - Weather, fabric, occasion etc. Somewhere I am not someone who is a natural when it comes to grooming and mostly only in extreme cases of family weddings (long left attending them) and that too if I have the comfort of a beautician I connect to (I mean her/his art). All this leave me totally contradicting to how mom is. Deep down, in my heart I do not want to disappoint her but I feel suffocated when I have to go by what she feeling is the way to be.....in my head and heart - atleast not at a place I know as my home or may be she has already bid a goodbye to me after my college days or since I started working or from my marriageable age. My soul deeply long for the home I had known of. No complaints, but I know people change - sometimes for their own good and sometime without there own wish. The later one brings bitterness and that linger if not accepted. In my case, my being kept moving in and out of that home...that land but my soul yearned for it and it still does (the tears rolling out on my cheeks are louder). 

I must say I feel blessed when I get 3 - 4 calls the day of my travel right from dawn till I reach home (24hrs travel in train) and at the same time I wonder and get scared with the thought of how it would feel if anyone of them is not there.....I hurts and pierce me within but may be life has a way to teach us let go or the same lesson railway stations teaches me - we all are on a journey. 

I need to rush back and get ready. I am not sure if I reached at any conclusion but the out pour of tears relieved me a bit...may be there was something - a feeling, thought or memory I was struggling with and never attended to that and packing bring-out the worst of that and the topped pressure makes it challenging for me where as the exterior is all bliss - after all its vacations, my interior being missed something or someone deeply.