The evening of the 28th was, again, a reminder to bloom.
At noon, after finishing the lunch preparations, I went to take a shower while my friend was preparing her signature dish: baked aloo parathas. I tried to help, but because I love to play with the dough and am not too fussy about the filling spilling out a little—whereas she is a pro and very strict about the effort required for even an aloo paratha—I pulled back from offering support and headed to the bath.
I used this time for myself to enjoy a herbal bath with music playing on my cellphone. I got lost in my thoughts, drifting in and out of feelings of being inadequate, too soft, or overly accommodating, and fearful of confrontation—to the extent that I felt I might harm myself. Then, I reminded myself that my thoughts are a passing reality and not my truth, and I allowed myself to enjoy the bath. Still, I didn't feel good about the fact that my friend was in the kitchen cooking for both of us alone, so I rushed.
I came out of the bathroom, got ready, and hurried to the kitchen to ask her if all was going as planned with the baking in the baati oven. She didn't respond to my repeated questions. I looked at her face, and she gestured that she was on a call via earphones. I went quiet.
Something hurt me deeply at that moment. I didn't want that feeling to come to the surface, so I rushed to the terrace on the pretext of drying my clothes on the line—which was partly true, but mostly just an excuse.
I had tears; I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry out loud. The song continued to play on my phone, primarily to make sure I felt unaffected by anything around me. I was sobbing, and the song that was playing was so dear to me in that moment: Dooroon Dooron. Even though I have heard it numerous times, each line was speaking to my heart once again.
I looked up at the sky and saw the waxing crescent moon in the bright late-afternoon sky. I felt a little better. I checked in with myself: Am I alright? Is this overwhelming feeling due to missing someone by my side, or not having the person around but so lost in there own world that rest nothing matters?
I couldn't answer and I choked up. I prayed to God to send me the bird that makes me feel safe, heard, and protected—a sign that He was listening to me. It had been ages since I had seen my protector bird: the Brahminy Kite!
To my utter surprise, while I was wiping my tears, I sensed the shadow of a flying object passing from behind my back to my left. I looked up, and it was that very bird! It then disappeared into the crown of the greens.
I was deeply moved and couldn't believe my heart's calling and the fulfillment of a promise from the Savior above. My tears stopped. I reflected again on my feelings. I knew I was hurt because my friend was constantly on the phone with her boyfriend; to me, it felt as if no one else mattered to them, or that my presence was just secondary, even though I was the host.
I had to be honest with myself. I asked if it was perhaps jealousy or the discomfort of not having anyone to be involved with at that level of minute-to-minute detail. But I knew in my heart: No! That is definitely not the case with me. I would never be that madly in a relationship—at least not while I am sober! 🙄
I was overwhelmed because I had been in a similar situation a few years back involving a trauma bond. I saw something similar around me where I couldn't extend much help, nor was the other party seeking it. I felt suffocated because my being was unable to process the urge to help, share knowledge, and educate a dear friend.
I was nudged out of my thoughts when my friend hollered my name from downstairs, asking me to come for lunch. I quickly wiped my tears and replied, "Yaaa, coming!"
Before leaving the terrace, I reminded myself that she is my guest and I can drop all my expectations and just be, without any overthinking or getting stuck at an emotional level.
We had a yummy lunch together, and she asked if we could go back to the craft shop to buy another printable canvas diary. I said, "Yes, of course, let’s go."
We went, did a good deal of shopping, and visited a Bata showroom where I met an acquaintance from my plantation drive days. We both laughed at the coincidence, and I later learned that he is the owner of that shop—he even offered me a good discount! We then went to a Chai Point and had a good cup of tea. We chatted, made a list of pending items on my bucket list, and then headed toward home. We had pani puri on our way and visited the decorated, well-lit Devra Kere temple, which was all decked up for the upcoming Vaikuntha Ekadashi.
We both took a long walk and enjoyed the colorful reflection of the lights in the lake water surrounding the temple. We came home, I lit the evening lamp, and she took a shower and packed her luggage as she was leaving at midnight.
We then sat down to make some art, and that's when I could connect back to myself in the most effortless way, with my paintbrush following the rhythm of my heart. ❣️🫰💞
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