when the blogger gets blocked :P

OMG!! cant believe that I couldn't access my own blog...made me realize how attached I get to even material things and not just people and places :P

Well, Happy Dhanteras & Dipawali to us all.

May lord Dhanvantari blesses us all with best of health and wisdome to stay healthy, life long. (I can feel how deeply I am seeking this blessings, after a week of back muscle pull and life coming to a standstill)

And May maa Lakshmi enters our lives with lightness of heart, love, grace and ease 🌹 🙏 

In the first place, how did I get blocked?
So, received some unusual but familier comment on one of my blog post and that rose my suspicion about a person whose word's hurted me deeply and I saw that while I was about to retire for my. My whole being trembled, palpitations etc. At first I event approved that comment thinking it is ok...some funny note about me playing the mouth-organ but than, I just din't want to be someone overthinking stuff and mulling over why I did it!

So I blocked it all...I don't know what all! I myself lost the access, meaning, I don't see login link and every time I wanted to post something I had to first struggle, frantically click every nook and corner of the page to get access...How weird it feels...right! Almost as if I am being disowned from my own people/ my being, my family :(

well, I haven't been able to resolve that yet, but on my work laptop, I had this page open and could access my blog :)...I don't know when a day would come that I will may be loose...and I trust it will be for the good...

Well, I wanted to add the most beautiful memories from office today :)

People who care and love, the cafe attendant (BunNu) who helped me get a quick mini choco-latte right before my logoff...that too almond milk :)

And a new nut I got to try:

Pecan, Hazel + Dehydrated Strawberry  

Till we meet again..

 Before boarding the bus, bidding adieu to the kind family and my hosts, shedding a few tears...I wanted to stick to my ritual of visiting this quiet corner filled with endless possibilities to breath, ponder, reflect, chat, debate, seek, forgive or even surrender....

💞🦚 Thank you for holding this space for me.🙏🌊

--

Happy Birthday Naniji🙏🌹

Temples, boating and Initiation paralysis

I had a wonderful day yesterday with visits to temples all thru the first half of the day and there after wonderful temple meals.

The temples we visited were primarily Demi Gods and it was wonderful to see the faith of locals and the innocence with which they all come to the Amman Temples, how it is the sole GOD - Generator, Operator and Destructor of this land. There were offerings of those giant petal like bud which is grown from the beetal nut tree..the seeds are packed in it and those seeds are the offerings to such temples and is considered immensely holy.

There was a temple where devotees would come and offer those tender strings of beetal seeds and it will be placed on the crown of the Demi deities and questions or prayers or wishes will be shared. Those strings will fell on its own...and that will be the response from the deity, depending on the side where it fell. I had tears at that point seeing how energies work.

Well, the second half of my day was all about a wonderful honaver Boating....I so desperately wanted and was wishing for one...since the time I had come here. The boat rider was also nice with amazing photography skills :). And then the last part of the day was about attending 100 vocalists singing devotional songs and wishing the Lt. GSB guru who completed 100th birthday, followed by dinner. I was amazed by the organisation and scale of this event and how most of such things were all sponsored.

(It all started with this leisure time activity, a boat from a tag)

--

Well, today morning around 6:30am I came to my favourite place - The Beach⛱️! Did a few breathing exercise, chanting and a bit more of reflection, at one point I brokedown thinking that I have to depart today evening and I was sobbing, I felt silly about myself and amaized that I have no one around to watch me like this and felt relieved, but then the tears also settled 😃😆

I remembered that, two days back, Gemini (AI bot) had wished me that gushing waves would answer me all my questions...and so here I was stuck with one - where do I start ?

This also put me face to face with the experience I had dealt, mostly unknowingly i.e. of Initiation paralysis! a term I came across earlier this year.

Google search says  ' IP' and 'trauma' are linked by a psychological concept where trauma, especially chronic trauma, can lead to an inability to start tasks due to the brain being stuck in a survival mode... And every bit of it was true for me. 

Sitting at this beach, in the morning hot sun...I am still feeling foggy in my head about where to begin the shif in my life, of that of heading back home permanently, getting on to business of farming which is a gamble (as Papa says) or even leaving the comfort of monthly salary which allows me the freedom to go around and just be me. At the moment, it all feels like a catch 22 situation but in my heart I know it will all workout beautifully.

I am happy for the gift of naturopathy and the knowledge I have been gaining, it is giving me directions that I shall start a herbal forest where ai grow all varieties of herbal trees and plants, care for them, live amongst a society that loves nature and is blessed by it, once those who bows down to it.

My not so cushiony bums are now hurting and I have to rush back home as yet to have breakfast...

Hope gushing waves have heard me and will help me align...

Thanks Maa.

And a deep felt gratitude to my host's, my friend R and her family for having me here again and accomodating vegetarianism for those days that I am here 🙏🌹. May God bless them all.

A beautiful day 💞🙌🌊

 

Coming home to Beach ⛱️

Yet another day of being awake since 3:30am...I feel pity on owls and myself too....:-| but today is  different because I am on a bus! 

Heading to a beach which has been calling me since long but I kept it aside due to obligations and overthinking. It took me sometime to make peace with it and also allow myself to flow hand-in- hand with my callings or desires and hence, I booked myself on a bus.

Since I was awake, and on a shared (women) sleeper seat, on the aisle side, I couldn't see anything from the glass window and was wishing that the winds help me by blowing the curtain off and to my surprise the co-passenger's stop came by and she deboarded. Now I have the window all to myself :p but I wasn't sure where we were so I check the map and it pointed towards 'Mangalore'...and seems my destination is ~2 hrs from their. 

And then boom! I was transported to a memory because the bus was stopped at a circle and slowly moving to take a U turn....and what I see outside the window was "Papillon Palace", a name associated with a book someone introduced me to, my stay at that hotel on one of my birthday etc. As I am writing this, my breath is becoming heavy and tears are immerging. I wonder what is it that I am unable to let go or if I am resisting or in denial and why? To be honest, I am tired of myself. The only thing I feel I am capable of letting go, is my tears... they are flowing effortlessly.

Well, let me take my thoughts to the beach that I am gonna meet asa I deboard....I am so looking forward to the meet with those gushing sounds of waves, of winds of the change that makes its presence felt and also to implement "mission pure soul" something that I learned in Ultimate Health Challange by Vishal Saini which talks about how we counciously create our environment which leads us to our purpose and all the 7 steps in Between which is a concious thought and needs to be seeded....

And the funny is funny thing which also makes my heart feel lighter is, I haven't booked return ticket yet...though I might head back on Monday...but not having too much advance planning helps me to ease a bit and I am loving it 😃🙌💞, even though there is a pile of office work for this quarter and visitors and family visiting and me travelling later in the quarter...it's all back to back!

I am also  excited and looking forwards to  weekend trip to nearby temples with my host's family and maybe just the feeling of being home with a maa, papa, friends like sisters, late night saree modelling and crazy laughter....I am not sure how it is going to be this time but will go with the flow....

If time and other things permit, I would like to go further ahead and visit elephants high campsite too and spend some quiet ime, all by myself in the  secluded space...🤞

This trip is for you Tan! Even Gemini said 'May you get all your answers from the gushing waves"

(6:45 am)

Dropped my bags and Here I am!!

Path that leads me and I am already drawn to the sound of waves..my heart beating as if it's going to meet it's beloved...

And the first sight!

The very first step...

And the greetings....

And becoming a part of it...

'Jetlag' turned a blessing

(7th oct)

Landed yesterday 2:30 am and touched home only by 5 am...after breakfast, thought to complete a few tasks onhand and then turned to bed to take some rest, set an alarm for 45 mins...only to realize that those 45 mins became 90+ mins and I wokeup with a shock and looked outside the window to figure out if it's the same day or next..🙆.

Found some comfort in knowing it is just the evening...same day

I later, got busy with unpacking and sorting laundry, etc, took shower and lit a lamp later in the evening to feel some life around. Everything felt surreal as if time was a gimmick - all the planning, shopping, rush, prepared leading up to my travel and this time post travel! Uff! A lot for me and these thoughts of vaccum or isolation appears in the peak of those jet lagged awakend hours where one would feel no less than a night Owl 🦉!

After dinner, I went upstairs to realize that it's Sharad Purnima, my mom's most favourite festival...for some reason:) and I also associate with it for one of my most dear memory of travelling with parents to Shimla and on our way back, during a halt at Delhi guest house, all of my parent's friends gathered upstairs to boil milk and prepare kheer on the night of Sharad Purnima ...I believe that was the most happy memory from my childhood, of my parents being happy together :)🤞💕

Sitting there at the terrace and just staring at the vibrant peaceful moon is one of my favourite activity to indulge in...for some reason a devine calmness takes over me. I had no phone with me and purely me and the quietness of the still night. I loved it. 

If given a chance, I would have loved to lay on terrace, all thru the night...adoring the full moon. At a certain moment, I reflected in the stark difference from that of the west world, filled with lights, colors mad rush to this quite night, all to myself. And my heart filled with gratitude that I am blessed beyond words ro be witnessing and living this reality.

At 10 pm, slight unwillingly I went back to my room to sleep and then woke up at 3 am 😀🙆...I don't know what was happening and I was fully awake...

I got out of my bed and headed out of house to see a sky full of stars....such magical view and there was a corner of my varandah from where I could see a bright lit sky but the source was not visible and I rushed to the terrace to see the full moon, now shining brightly on the west side. So on my right was starts in constillation and left was this bright moon. A sense of joy filled me. There was also a small bowl of surgery milk that my neighbour had placed as a offering to the moon...and I remembered that event if my childhood and since then, mom always tells me to have kheer on that night or next morning but I have left taking milk since a month and was left with no choice but to just open my mouth wide open and take the blessed air in. Yeah, I might sound crazy, and yes, I am🌹

I spent almost half an hour there at the terrace, sometimes just adoring and talking with moon and starts or laughing at the imagination that if this was US, I would have been shot by some snipper saying a thief was on terrace or I never knew it some neighbours were watching me and thinking I have gone mad ..🙈. I just remembered a song that explains my feelings of that moment...how the lead actress feels in this song : chaya hai jo dil pe...(Yeah, too filmy). I also thought about how a women's menstrual cycle is and should be matching that of the waxing or waning moon...and in that quietness I was adoring my body for being what it is and thanked it too for being such coperative one across countries, in different landscapes and food availablity or lack of it.🙏

Later I got back to my room and started practicing malaasana, completed watching the pending recordings of GoNature naturopathy classes that I missed due to my travel. I walked backwards for 20 cycles and also had an amazing hunza tea.

I loved this productiveness without the burdened if being one....which was so new to me. I felt thrilled and more willing to then get ready for work :).

I had lived the best part of my day already and the rest was a bonus.

So yup, the jetlag became my blessing for witnessing and spending those magical moments  with Moon.

Wish you were here...

 The last movie of my this trip SFO DXB BLR was - 

"Wish you were here" and I sobbed uncontrollably, again!!!

I think the mistake I was repeating - looking for com in the Rom and ended-up being in sob!.🙆🙈 

Well, it was a beautiful love story, one that of courage to love and stand by it...what broke me down was the last message (a background voice from the lead character, who died), and left a message for the actress's future husband...

I guess when death knocks at our door, it gives way to be more real and accepting of some of those bitter realities of life...

Well, I am back in the home country and missing my beloved idlis....at this odd hour of ~3: 40- 5:24 am 💃.

And yes, no matter how glorified it gets whether one gets buisness class travel, Mercedes Benz car pickup and drops etc....Home. is. home....and so is the motherland. 

I missed home more and more this time. It din't matter if I am in the most ancient hotel, at the 12th floor opp. Union square...my heart longed to be back in India.

May be seeing the disturbing evolving landscape of politics, fear that filled the spaces with the winds that blew; utterly degraded life of humans (addicts laying on roads, unattended, completely lost...) something in me was dieing everyday.

Well, I am blessed to be born in the lap of divine Bharat Maa🙏🌹

--

How I celebrated my own arrival ... Munching the 6th piece of the limited chocolate...💕💕💕

Hummingbirds (Every Little thing)

Just a few days before my travel to States, one morning when I was in my office cab, stuck in traffic, I turned to my left and thru the window, I noticed a tiny little bird swinging on an insulated electrical wire. 

Not sure if it was the tiny form of that bird amidst the location i.e. dusty surroundings, filled with concrete jungle, honking sounds all around and lifelessness of mundane busy world! But it captured my attention such that I couldn't takeaway my eyes off, until my cab moved and I lost that view... But was unwillingly preparing myself that the bird will fly off....

I asked myself, why I felt that strong connection with it? And which bird was it? And I would have started to compare my thoughts and feelings with that of the bird.... Does she feels scared, being all by itself? Or see seeing world differently than me? Etc. 

Was it a humming bird?

--

On my loooong onwards flight, I watched a movie - 'passport to love'; after finishing, I switched to a documentary named - Every Little thing. At first, I didn't know what it was about but I liked the name and then read the note about it - Author and wildlife rehabilitator Terry Masear dedicates her life to saving injured hummingbirds in Los Angeles. Her compassion and empathy serves as a reminder that grace can be found in the smallest of acts and the tiniest of creatures..and I was sobbing at the end of it. I learned a lot about love, compassion and selfless care, be it to another human or a bird.

Long after I deboarded and checked-in to my hotel, a few message from that movie stayed with me and were reminded of, either by directly the hummingbirds appearance in my surroundings or some conversations or a image on a wallpaper or some surfaces...

- Humming birds flutter 50 times per second and balance their body's vertically, horizontally and on the diagonals and are enchanting begins, how can they not be in some other relm?

I continued to share my experience about the movie with my colleagues etc. 

-- 

Day 4th of my trip, it was a slightly rainy morning but a pleasent day, I booked a taxi for my office drop and as I entered it, I see a decorative peice hanging at the rearview mirror, and I was left absolutely dumbstuck!

I started chatting with the driver as he has a shimmery cover on his steering wheel and the hand rest but my heart and eyes were at the decorative piece. I told the driver about my calling about Humming birds and about the takeaways from the movie...

He also shared that spotting different birds had some meaning to it in native culture at Mexico (his home) and I agreed...

And when I was getting down, the driver asked : Sanorita...Do you want this?

Me : utterly shocked at his generosity, replied that no, it's beautiful with you and I don't want to take that always from you...

He insisted that he keeps getting those from Mexico carnivals, so no big deal.

Me: then, please do makesure to get one soon. And yes, ok I am happy to take it.

He: handing me the precious piece...

And in return, I have him a pen that had the engraving " thank you for being Awesome".

Can anyone guess what I got??

A beautiful, vibrant humming bird....and I am in love with it!

Thank you 💕

--

Today, I had plans to meet my first friend in US and while waiting for my cab, I spotted a beautiful hummingbird sucking nectar from a bunch of flowers and later, my friend showed a tiny water fall which attracts a lot of humming birds as that's their favourite activity :)