Effortless swaying..

While waiting for my less milk ginger tea ...At the in-house coffee shop, office.

I was drawn towards the glass windows, overlooking the campus. Standing there, detached from my immediate surroundings...I watched the lush green belt and the way tree leaves or tree branches swayed.  The quietness of my surroundings was a catalyst for my mind to capture the breeze and it's effect in the exterior.

The vast sky and then the glass wall between me and that near-far reality. I asked myself, reflecting at the shadow work I did a few days back...I pondered ...If I am lying anything to myself over and again? Have I really attended to the deep yearnings of my soul? Is my current situation pushing me hard to define who I am outside work?...or is it the time to really create the dream life?

Because that effortless swaying of those leaves took my breath away and I wanted to just be out there... forever...I was reminded of the words my friend had said to me - "Ruu...you are gifted with this! The way you associate with trees and life around you, the way you connect...not everyone has that and that is your unique gift"

At this moment, I am not sure where I am leading . But I am realising how I have evolved...

Yesterday, when leaving from the office, I was consumed with this job realated matix situation and was worried in my heart. And I din't want to show-up this way infront of my family ...(On a video call). I dropped all conditional settings of my mind and dialed on the group ...and It was the best decision I made. I spoke to my Aunts and brother, Mom was out for a lunch party, whereas my aunt gave me a tour of the house which is being whitewashed and this was mine and her combined project :) and we did it!!. Seeing my excitement, my aunt said you should come down..I said I am on my toes!

This reminded me of the other side of the coin of my life...where things are slow but moving...we are finally Getting the HOUSE PAINTED!! 🙏💝✍️

After my late night call, I realised how such pain and stress has become a habit and I had to push myself hard to break away... to invest my time and being for people who (probably I do not associate much with, but) were there and are there in the thick and thin of mine or my parents' life...I called-up my maternal aunt at 11.30 pm as it was her birthday!! And it felt good to make them feel special on their special day in this little way. My heart was at peace.

That late, I needed some activity to de-stress and I got busy cleaning the floor, mopping and then extra cleaning for the room where I decided will sleep and cut off from the outer world ....My headache and heaviness continued.

I decided to take a hot water shower and after putting my kaftan got to my floor bed and opened a window so that I could stare at the vast open sky and doze off with that impression on my mind.

Probably around 1 am ...I was at ease...

Life goes on...

Just having someone to hear you out or reassure that yes, you are right, I understand you and what you are saying...is such a blessing.

Past few days, I have been under so much pressure due to an additional responsibility being imposed on me at work. Numerous emails and discussion to justify the workload and seek work balance to which I kept getting templated responses..

I had a call at 10 pm today to discuss the same and before that the emotional churn I went thru was unbearable and now have headache....I came to a point where I started to calculate my fall-back options and what would I do if I drop off my job tomorrow.

I think the biggest fight within is the identity of being known for not just your work ethics but being with a well established employer...

I began with the thought - What will I do and how will I approach my no-job days?

I went to the terrace, under the moon lit sky...breathed the fresh cool air, tuned into some soothing affirmations to rewire my wild thoughts or say to direct them to something that doesn't overwhelms me or harm me ..rather I stay afloat in my now.

I started to imagine that I will pay two months penalty deposit to my flat owners, wrap things here and head home, primarily plan the loan repayments. On the hind side, all I need is probably 4 chapattis and some sabzi for myself and some funds to look after my family's wellbeing... And I think I have enough for now and knowing, living and seeing people struggling with even more challenging  hard days, financially, I am convinced it's all God's plan and not even a leaf would move without his wish and so is with my life and me. I will accept my reality and go on with it. 

I was later joined by my neighbour and her sister and we all walked with our hands tangled such as if we were forming a human chain. It was a funny moment and also one to counter the cold winds. I was in the center :p and that kept me warm 😉😅

I shared my worry with them and mentioned that I may become jobless any day and I would rather quit than taking undue pressure and loose health. In that moment, from somewhere, I remembered an old Hindi movie dialogue which I modified and delivered loudly, while walking...stating that I will put this across in my 10 pm meeting as well! It goes like - "Mere paas Reshma and Sushma hai!! Tumhare paas kya hai?? And we all laughed out loud. I could feel that the intensity of my stress melted down.

I also shared with these girls that I would go back to my home town and grow veggies and sell them to earn a living. For sure, I will miss this place - I had called my home for so many years and offered to them that they take my current house when I am gone. Reshma was quick to respond that they wouldn't want to be in that building. I then said - let's go to my hometown and live there together :). (Knowing how much Reshma loved being there when she had visited and stayed at the farm)

Just this wishful thinking and chit-chat under the open sky eased my heart from the stress that lingered since long. 

I then spoke to my friend and reviewed my email drafts, explained and became explosive at him with the irritation of people at work who are not able to understand a simple issue which I have been seeking support for and with the aim to resolve for all...I acknowledged that I am letting it all out so that I am objective and do not sound emotionally driven.

Well, somehow I put up a brave face in the meeting and was authentic and genuine with facts on hand and did put the word across that if this job can be done by someone else in a better manner, so be it. I am more than happy to leave.

Post my meeting,  I spoke to my friend and inspite of being unwell, drained and emotionally exhausted with life's events, he heard me out and said -  You look stressed and that affects your health and that's the last thing I would want to see. And with that, streams of tears started to flow.... releasing the headache, feeling of being un-heard, the stress of made to fight the battle all on your own. 

Sometimes, the events aren't as taxing as the feeling of being on your own and no where to lean-in or call home.

The day is done, I faced and fought well all that I had to; as a part of my life's journey and somewhere in my heart, I am looked after. I might cry and suffocate for bearing too much in my heart and mind and pour some bit here and less on my tongue but I will continue to walk...