Today, after almost two years I experienced again same bouts of anxiety, palpitations, headache (may be due to fever or thoughts being in freeze mode).
Since morning, I have been trying different ways to ease off my body i.e. clapping exercise, deep focused breathing, listening to calming music or chants, hot water shower, cooking etc.
But my being is just unable to ease off. And at last I am here to seek ease and tears rollout and I know that's the first step to ease, for me....
I guess I should apologise to my eyes for this but also thank for being my partner in ease.
I have been thinking a lot about what is the cause of such unease, overwhelm and disconnect from one's own body...
Let's first explore what is it that I call uneasiness:
- Shivering in legs
- Palpitations even when sleeping
- Unexplained Fear
- Restless
- Overthinking or constant thoughts leading no-where
- Struggling to focus
Let's now dissect the thoughts:
- Friend's dad condition deteriorating or with every new day a new challange and they experiencing acute financial shortfalls. No or less contact about friend's whereabouts puts me in panic and also guilt for being limited in ways I can extend support.
- Piled-up work to dive-in, right after vacations and an additional responsibility being lined-up. Physically, me being under the weather is choking me and also making me question the whole purpose of me working? at the cost of my well being?. To me, all I know, I am just facilitating financial wellbeing but nothing that my soul feels belonged to and I do not know which way to take or head to fix this aspect of my life coz I feel I should just quit.
- Added stress of a lot going around in life and in my head + complete isolation from family on matters important to me (alone) and I know they will not understand and I do not know what or how to collaborate on that front or with whom?
- Seeing a loved one in distress crushes me completely and make me question the meaning of life. What are we all chasing? Or atleast do I know what I want from life?
- After call with dad yesterday, and getting to know that he could guess why the the girl's side is not moving ahead with the first meet and greet as a part of marriage proposal (for my brother)...his words put me in a bit of stress that how such small things disturbs them at such deep level. And It nudges me to reflect at what they would have gone thru when I denied to get married and wasn't there to support them emotionally either.
- Sometimes, I feel a relationship gone wrong or one being rejected or ghosted also adds to low self-esteem and we start to see ourself in that light of - Good for nothing and it follows us everywhere and is a heavy burden on heart. I hope we all know and feel we are loved.
- At days I feel who is it that I call as mine...I scanned thru list of people - my Parents, family, brothers, friends and I do not find an answer to it and it scares me. It's not just about officially calling someone as my own and also feeling belonged to, which is most important for me. With current self-awareness and reflections that I have had in the last 1.5 years I do not know what is right or wrong, the choices I felt safe in or the plan that life has for me...which is only visible in tiny landscape..one at a time.
- It also occurs to me that my being is fearful of life...for no specific reason except that of may be getting hurt, betrayed, left alone and old age and what comes with it...
I really donno if I am feeling any better but the tears are all shed and the bottled feeling is eased off.
May God give ease and peace to all🙏