How insecurity shows up..

Today, after almost two years I experienced again same bouts of anxiety, palpitations, headache (may be due to fever or thoughts being in freeze mode).

Since morning, I have been trying different ways to ease off my body i.e. clapping exercise, deep focused breathing, listening to calming music or chants, hot water shower, cooking etc.

But my being is just unable to ease off. And at last I am here to seek ease and tears rollout and I know that's the first step to ease, for me....

I guess I should apologise to my eyes for this but also thank for being my partner in ease.

I have been thinking a lot about what is the cause of such unease, overwhelm and disconnect from one's own body...

Let's first explore what is it that I call uneasiness:

1. Shivering in legs 
2. Palpitations even when sleeping 
3. Unexplained Fear
4. Restless 
5. Overthinking or constant thoughts leading no-where 
6. Struggling to focus

Let's now dissect the thoughts:

1. Friend's dad condition deteriorating or with every new day a new challange and they experiencing acute financial shortfalls. No or less contact about friend's whereabouts puts me in panic and also guilt for being limited in ways I can extend support.
2. Piled-up work to dive-in, right after vacations and an additional responsibility being lined-up. Physically, me being under the weather is choking me and also making me question the whole purpose of me working? at the cost of my well being?. To me, all I know, I am just facilitating financial wellbeing but nothing that my soul feels belonged to and I do not know which way to take or head to fix this aspect of my life coz I feel I should just quit. 
3. Added stress of a lot going around in life and in my head + complete isolation from family on matters important to me (alone) and I know they will not understand and I do not know what or how to collaborate on that front or with whom?
4. Seeing a loved one in distress crushes me completely and make me question the meaning of life.  What are we all chasing? Or atleast do I know what I want from life? 
5. After call with dad yesterday, and getting to know that he could guess why the the girl's side is not moving ahead with the first meet and greet as a part of marriage proposal (for my brother)...his words put me in a bit of stress that how such small things disturbs them at such deep level. And It nudges me to reflect at what they would have gone thru when I denied to get married and wasn't there to support them emotionally either.
6. Sometimes, I feel a relationship gone wrong or one being rejected or ghosted also adds to low self-esteem and we start to see ourself in that light of - Good for nothing and it follows us everywhere and is a heavy burden on heart. I hope we all know and feel we are loved.
7. At days I feel who is it that I call as mine...I scanned thru list of people - my Parents, family, brothers, friends and I do not find an answer to it and it scares me. It's not just about officially calling someone as my own and also feeling belonged to, which is most important for me. With current self-awareness and reflections that I have had in the last 1.5 years I do not know what is right or wrong, the choices I felt safe in or the plan that life has for me...which is only visible in tiny landscape..one at a time.
8. It also occurs to me that my being is fearful of life...for no specific reason except that of may be getting hurt, betrayed, left alone and old age and what comes with it...

I really donno if I am feeling any better but the tears are all shed and the bottled feeling is eased off.

May God give ease and peace to all🙏

Journey Homeward, Within

Just when the swelled tear was about to drop, the driver asked, "what location to Google, for the drop mam?"

I helped him map my drop location and settled with my back leaning towards the seat, allowing myself to immerse in and let my feelings surface and find it's way out...either as words or tears. Eventually both were eager and took turns🤷‍♀️. I can say it's customary too... ?😄

Sitting in the rear seat, closer to left window, feeling the cold wind brushing my face and moist along the tear trails on my cheeks, my eyes finding solace looking at vast greyish- blue sky, airplanes landing, the beautifully lit exits roads and billboards; completely resisting the mad rush of taxies and cars rushing back towards the city.

The quietness of the sky kindled my heart and at one moment, I wondered, what if I could Google my feelings and map them too. My heart would have been so much at ease; probably eyes too could have shed a little less tears.

I am not sad. The tears could be from the multitude of thoughts and feelings I am going thru - that of the last 10 days, all the travelling but arriving no-where, the soujourn while I swiped photos on my phone that reminded me of key events and conversations or laughters etc, of work or withdrawal from work, of the madness and rush of city life, of thoughts of isolation or things I do to keep myself busy, of songs that eases me or nudges me and much more. 

I let myself shed those tears so I can breath easy. 

I, then asked myself why is it that my heart and being feels empty? Was the holiday not enough? And I realised it was never about holidays, it was about me trying hard to reconnect with my roots with such extensive travels and making that effort to meet them all. Bitter and hard to share but - to feel at home in those smell of the house, kitchen, habits or events recreated or just walking in those isolated quite lanes or amongst my own people or with them, doing things that I use to growing up, meet and live with the same people to create that ecosystem I lost long ago....

But I am sorry for myself, my being slowly started to come to terms with letting go, not put myself too much on the pedestal of responsibilities and pull back.

Anyways, just writing my feelings here helps and my heart starts to feel home. And now I wonder, how I crossed oceans and met people but at last the howllowness of my heart could create symphony only in the acknowledgement and an honest validation of my own feelings, purely without any judgements or criticism.

While I was cleaning notes on my phone, I came across a saved post from one of the WhatsApp shareing and that became the anchor for me...

*Would like to share a few lines with you.....*

The longing for things

 that you could not have,

the yearning for places 

you were not destined to arrive. 

Wistful memories of what was 

not ever meant to be. 

Regret for not being who 

you thought you would become. 

These hallucinations of the soul 

are agonizing prisoners 

that must be pardoned and released. 

Clear the room. 

Open the door 

and let them leave.

And in this space, 

you’ll paint a glorious existence 

of being here with presence 

and contentment for what truly is 

a relevant and meaningful life. 

~an excerpt from Susan Frybort's extraordinary new book, 'Open Passages',

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@blr home, I got the best arrival gift! My first peace lily bud 😌❣️

Thank you love.💕