Those girly stuff...

 

... then I ask Mother earth, 

can I just be me?

can I seek inspiration from her

..find solace,

Find hope and 

Find me ...

in her lap ✍️💕

Main Pal Do Pal Ka Shair Hoon...

I was in the kitchen, baking a millet chapati which has a specific way in which it has to be cooked on a hot pan, by softly pressing them at the edges, using a soft cotton cloth folded in a shape of a bun with its even surface landing at the upper surface of the chapati.

In the background, was a song playing on Alexa - 

"मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है

मुझ से पहले कितने शाइ'र आए और आ कर चले गए

कुछ आहें भर कर लौट गए कुछ नग़्मे गा कर चले गए

वो भी इक पल का क़िस्सा थे मैं भी इक पल का क़िस्सा हूँ

कल तुम से जुदा हो जाऊँगा गो आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ*

पल दो पल में कुछ कह पाया इतनी ही सआ'दत काफ़ी है

पल दो पल तुम ने मुझ को सुना इतनी ही इनायत काफ़ी है

कल और आएँगे नग़्मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुनने वाले

मुझ से बेहतर कहने वाले तुम से बेहतर सुनने वाले "  ......

and a specific *line nudged my heart, made me feel that song even more deeper and see it's deeper essence as a event on my journey of life too.

My chain of thoughts was broken by my mom's presence, she coming on to my left side, towards the kitchen sync and washing some vessel that was in her hand. 

I noticed, this was the third time she was washing one vessel at a time and I pointed it to her that this wastes a lot of water and why do you do that?, I have told you to keep it all stacked and I will clean them. 

Thats all! and she got explosive and remarked that I treat her like her servant, that I do not respect my own parents, that I am always against her and keep taunting her over and over for every small things, that may be she is less educated than me and probably that is what I consider as an upper edge from that of her experiences, sacrifices. She said, I have had good last one month and do not want any arguments for last few days. 

I was taking all those words with a calm demeanour so far, and questioned each one and clarified specifically the one on - Servant treatment and said I do not even think such thoughts rather she needs to look deeper where is it coming from and not blame me or her kids with such baseless blames. 

I left kitchen and got back to my work desk which is what I have been doing since I have left home at an early age.

Sitting here, pouring my heart out, to make peace within, find solace, find self and may be some hope or may be NOT! Give it all up, any which ways it is what it is and what greatness I am aspiring for? and for or from whom? 

The funny part is when these thoughts find an expression as words, here or on a paper, it haunts me deeper, Tears that I thought have got matured and wouldn't make me feel ashamed of myself start to pour like a overflowing dam. Each feeling becomes a sharp knife that stabs me at the same wound over an over.  It feels like every day is extremely uncertainty and why not! may be that is the way God wishes me to be...

How momentary life is! just yesterday I was so thrilled, full of life and all it took was few words to crush me down completely, breakdown into tears and wonder what did I do wrong?

I was told, I have been living on my terms and never bothered to agree to parents (probably a attack my choices of people or relationship I chose); yes that true, I did it because I was little, suffocating, had to go toward life because that's what my natural instinct called me towards,...not to harm anyone or badmouth anyone and not even seek anything from anyone  because eventually I am and will turn out to be the one as the black sheep.

Anyways,  मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है....

(I am grateful that I have this space as mine, to shed some tears and feel lighter, to not be dependent over a place, people or event to fix me or my emotions, to take support of words to feel alive and let it all go...that which burdens me, to be able to continue with work, life with people who make me feel home....)