Yup! It is, what it is!. I am living one day at a time but with thousands emotions and feelings. I din't want to jot things down, definately not here!
I just wanted to soak it up all in, gather some courage to reflect on each of them, as much as I can, understand Body's way of communicating to me...take trips to childhood and pull back the one emotionally suppressed and sabotaged one and stand with her...
I choose to get on to embroidery and complete the pending wildflower flower part that was drawn on the crown of letter 'R', a creative gesture to also tell myself - Girl, you are a queen. You are capable, blessed, loved & lovable.
I forced myself to focus on each needle stroke and to make sure that the final out come is nothing like my emotions, rather something that lies deep within; a serene heart, that I have had the luck to experience once in a while.
I succeeded in completing one petal of the flower but I was struggling within, unable to break the silent treatment to self and her.... may be that wasn't intentional but the hurt weighed me down, my confidence to even engage.
I was denied that I could get hurt deeply and get wounded.
It all started right at the time of my waking up and the door banged for which I called it out (a bit rudely), this was the nth time I was pointing it out after requesting her to be easy and slowly shut the door and not bang it, afterall I am in a rented space and for now, I feel responsible to keep it in as good condition as much I can and definitely not damage it.
The reaction was as expected - explosiveness with words of shame and ignored.
I had to pull up all my energy to not feel the hurt, breakdown or let anger takeover...I burned deeply within. All I know was to somehow distract myself and get busy with some tapping exercises.
I felt better for a while after exercise, but my appetite died, I skipped breakfast and got busy clearing the house...more so as I am cleaning a piece of my heart that has lost it's lightness and layered with tar of hurt, pain, neglect and betrayal. I took shower but I don't even remember when and how long... probably I was still consumed by my feelings and hurt.
And that feeling, topped with awareness of loosing precious moments of life, such precious time which could have been lived differently to make more happy memories was all lost or atleast I know I failed terribly and gave up. I know, I have avoided long to tell myself that I have lost it all and I am broken deep within.
The worst is, at such times, all hell break loose and the intensity of hurt magnifies as it recollects the past... ill treatment from others that I allowed, the missed memories from a childhood that could have been mine, a chance missed - a space that gets nurtured in someone's psyche from a healthy mother's love....all without any control or concent from me.
After another hour of self loathing in my emotional tornado, I went to the terrace to attend to a part of my daily chores, to wash clothes. Being under the sky was liberating. It was my safe and trusted space.
I turned on a YouTube video from the channel - "the wholistic psychologist" about how to get out of freeze mode, how to not be reactive... Her words made deep sense and just the knowing that someone understands, helps a lot to hold the ground strong and hang in there. To accept and work on self, even if it feels as though there is no end to it all and atleast this birth may not be sufficient...
Today is also Mahalaya Amavasya...an ocassion considered to be auspicious and to remember the ancestors. I only had one wish and question, pls help me sustain this birth and take me away from this all and if I am the choosen one to break the cycle and reparent myself, allow me, empower me 💔🙏✍️
I never knew that knowledge could be so painful yet it fails when in combat with desires and emotions. One dies a thousand deaths when a desire to seek the love and nurturing shoots up but the other one is just not what you expected them to be...
I wept, my moist eyes and running nose - red, breath heavy and throat chocked. Earlier I also has a brief episode of me experiencing trembling in my knees and calf muscle ... probably a childhood wiring of insecurity, fear.
Donno why I am remembering a quote that I read sometime back...sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
