Follow your heart...May be you are being invited.

Don't know to where to begin! from thoughts of grace, worry, shortcomings, blessings, magic, intimidation, reflections of feelings that are screaming loud to everything that crushed my confidence and the leftover belief in self. 

And my analysis states - beginning where you are is the best step forward. 

A few hours back, I was thinking of about last evening. Our visit to a tea shop (Karnataka Tea stall), which we walked-up to, just for our most cherished Ginger tea <3. It was a beautiful weather for chai and we walked around an area that has a triangular park which has tall trees all around it's periphery. I fondly call that lane as Ooty road because of the tall trees and canopies along the road. And on rainy or winter evenings there is a beautiful mist all along and the yellow street lights add a touch of heaven to it.

At the tea stall, Mom and I placed our order and took half portion of a chakli (salted spiral fried snack made with rice flour) each, to munch and settled at a side of the staircase of that tea stall. 

In a truly classic way it was our nukkad tea moment. There were many passer's by who would look at us with wonder - two ladies sitting at a smoke joint and having tea :P. Anyways....we enjoyed that throat soothing chai and soon there were many other customers...primarily the smokers and we decided to leave.

we both were wondering what next?...and we had to book an auto accordingly as mom wasn't comfortable with walking anymore (or mentally she has considered herself so weak & no amount of boosting her confidence helps rather it would fire back on me and I would stay away from it consciously and tell myself, may be that is not my place :(). 

Mom suggested we skip mall visit and go to a nearby temple and with the minimal knowledge of the directions or name of temple or deity she conveyed to me from her experience of one of her past visits. for example, What about that Sai temple we had been once which has rose flower vendors outside (Sai baba mandir), or The Hare-rama, Hare Kishna temple that I visited alone and you were waiting for me outside (ISKON Vaikuntha hill) or the temple that you visited a week back on last Saturday?, isn't it the same you had once taken me and we had lit Deepa in a coconut shell? (Ayyapan swamy temple).

Seeing my confused state of mind, she said, let's do Sai Temple. And I was having the last sip of my tea and in my heart I knew something is nudging me and I blurted to mom with a face of a 5 year that my heart isn't at Sai temple at the moment and since it's sunday, I do not feel like visiting Ayyapan temple either. My heart calls for ISKON and she said...so ok, lets go there. I was relieved because I wasn't sure how mom would react to this and I went thru a lot of mental calculations in that fraction of a second. 

I opened Uber app and added destination as Vaikuntha hill...My heart was excited and already was at that hill, feeling the chill breeze, clear twilight skys, the panoramic view of the city from that hill which would look like a million stars blinking on earth. Then a doubt creeped-in, what if the destination I added in the app would let the auto driver stop at the entrance of the temple campus and then mom would have to do a mini hiking and that would result in going against her comfort and ultimately she will hate me for that and get mad at me. 

I immediately changed it to ISKON, knowing fully well that there are only two ISKON temples in BLR.

The auto arrived at the tea stall, in few mins and we boarded. Few minutes into the ride, the driver took a turn into a lane which, to me was not the lane towards ISKON, for a moment I thought may be a new lane connecting to the temple and then I checked the app, map showed we are 2 mins away whereas the surroundings were nowhere like a hill, rather we were in middle of a busy road. I panicked and wondered at the same time and asked driver if this is the Vaikuntha hill (which is also south part of BLR), he said this is ISKON south and in the next moment we were stopped in-front of an elevated big hall with a corridor around it and steps leading to a beautiful wooden door with intricate carvings and into the main hall which was well lit. There were some people from the Temple commitee standing out and they saw the confusion on our face and a bit of hesitation and called us and said, "Hare Krishna! pls come" and they gestured us to proceed towards the main hall.

We have had washed our feet and hands before entering the hall. The hall has big mats spread on floor for both Men and women devotees separately on each side along the length of the hall. On right of the entrance door was Beautiful marble deities of Lord Krishna, Radha and Krishna's twins (as I could understand) and on the extreme left center was the idol of "Founder Acharya His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada".

(the only picture I could pull from Google search)

Mom took the chair at the end of the hall and sat, where as I sat on the mat on floor, near her. Soon it was 7:03 pm and also the time for evening Aarti. Everyone stood-up at their respective places, there were three priests standing in-front of each of the idols and one of the priest commenced the aarti with blowing the conch!. I was loving every bit of it and especially the conch sound....every cell of my being was so tuned to it's sound!

Thereafter, we were all informed that this is an auspicious week known as the "Holy name week" and that we should all do the chanting - "Hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare, hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare" and for almost 20mins the whole premise was in sync and changing in unison. I was sitting there chanting with my eyes closed....trying every word I utter to be with consciousness and reverence. While chanting I went in and out of thoughts, feelings, wonderment, the session on DNA etc and at one point, my heart melted and tears surfaced with the burst of feelings of awe and extreme love in the knowledge that how my heart was tuned to something and I just blindly followed, I was handholded, I was led to this whole experience. I felt I was personally invited to that Aarti, just when it was time. I was speechless, I was overwhelmed and deeply touched. 

In that hour of celebrations, devotion, love and coming together, I let loose myself and was just being there, still in the magic of that moment.

DNA Activation session

Last week, strolling thru instagram, a notification popped-up, it was "DNA re-patterning with Nada yogi Vibhushri Rivesh Vade".

Don't know why, but I thought I could enroll mom into. It was just two hours, the maximum my mom can focus, outside the needs of her grown-up kid's (Tea, coffee, food, Clothings, shopping etc). The idea was to introduce her with a new experience, a channel to know and welcome ease in her life and let go her restlessness. But again, I cannot take this decision on her behalf or say enforce my thoughts to her or anyone for that matter! and such stuff is meaningful only if one is open and receptive enough. 

Yes, it took me bit of explanation to convince her, that it is a very nominal enrollment fee and just two hours of session. And she agreed half-heartedly. I know...I am may be becoming very mean.

Anyways, the session was about to begin at 7 pm today and I could see, starting 6:30pm , Mom getting restless. She was in a rush, to close things eg. lighting the evening lamp which we usually do at 7 pm, she wanted to finish her evening tea, etc. I had taken a deep nap this afternoon so I was well rested. At 6:33 pm she went to the veranda to read on her kindle and at 6:55 pm, I called her in as the session was about to begin and had the laptop set on the table, for her.

When she came, I told her, I will sit in the other room so that she can fully engage in the session and if there is any interactions that she may not feel comfortable to share around me, she can be free in my absence. She panicked and her face became pale as if it was some sort of exam. I assured her, nothing to worry and that I am around to clarify anything she isn't able to understand. But she was bit annoyed at me and was irritated too...this was continuing from this morning though. To some extent, I know and not (¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Moreover, she was the attendee I had enrolled, not myself and I din't feel it was ethical on my part to be hiding in the background.

Eventually, after an exchange of few harsh words, we both settled for the session and because the topic was of interest, I sat next to her listening and helping her with the Zoom tools and interactions. 

Overall, we went thru a lot of history about Nada Yoga,  the research work Vibhushri ji has done and various walks of life that he is trying to spread his knowledge to reach million individuals i.e. Traumatized kids, slum dwellers, via Garbh sanskars for Mothers, leaderships in corporates etc. and then he briefly talked about the four areas of one's life that one can identify patterns that are rooted from and to DNA i.e family History, Health History, Personal Challenges and Business or career challenges.

All online participants were asked to reflect and write any patterns that they identify, eg. relationships, trauma, cashflows, growth hinderance in business etc. 

Mom was blank and I had to break down the problem statement for her, with few examples from what I have noticed in her life eg. her belief related to health, aging, financial shortfalls and anger associated with it etc. Since I attended the session all thru, I thought to jot down my own patterns too. 

We were asked to further scan our patters with the below three Qs.

1. Do we really want to change that pattern? (Y/N) (i.e. What will we gain, are we able to think of the other-side....of gains, that we will experience by this shift?)
2. Since, when are we experiencing the pattern?
3. On a scale of 1- 10 (1 being least), do we rate the intensity or trouble from that pattern?

I was quick to jot things as if it's my second nature :P

After, we were all done, the instructor asked us to lie-down in a comfortable position and  certain bell sounds were being played. Those sounds had different impact on different people, eg. I could feel a short interval of pinching pain in my right ear which I usually experience if I am suppressing anger,  then the pain moved to my head closer to my neck. The bells felt so healing and my body could feel the vibrations. Overall, it was rejuvenating. While in that bell therapy, I went thru a lot of thoughts about emotions, feelings, my own patters eg. feelings of Anger, irritation, fear, resentment, lack and desperation for validation, overthinking, childhood traumas and how at different arenas of my life it would show up, I thought about mom and had a deep sense of gratitude that she at-least continued with the session and not walk away as she would do with me, at times when we are in a conversation.

At last, there was some promotion about another detailed course being offered at a discount and QnA from the participants. Since, I wanted to come clean, I informed the organizers that along with my mom, I was there behind the screen and that I would pay for +1. That also urged me to feel eligible to ask about one particular pattern that I have been trying to find root cause for and raised my hand. 

Early in the session, we were told that Vibhushriji can pick roots of any pattern from the voice of the person too and I somewhere had faith in it.

My Qs was - Though I am immensely blessed financially and in many aspects of my life, why is it that I have been coming across people who are in dire need of money? I am not against any support I can extend towards them, but I am uncomfortable with me getting emotionally involved in the other person's journey and it drains me, what do you think could be my root case for this problem?

Answer from Vibhishri ji - This has become your emotion, more like your heartbeat and it comes from the emotions from your mother's womb. At the time she was carrying you, you do not know what they would have experienced but because you feel other's feelings it is woven in your rhythm of heartbeat. 

Why are we taking about heart here?...we intended to tackle DNA..isn't it? heart is for emotions and emotions are frequency and frequency works with the deeper DNA level.  He asked me if I am from Chennai and I said no, from BLR.

I was mind blown with his response and at the same-time, it lifted a huge baggage of guilt and self-doubt that I would have carried all thru for knowing about and everyday peeling the layers of  mother's trauma and how it shows-up for me and the conflicting emotions I would deal with one as someone a victim and another who loves her mother and doesn't want to think or feel bitter against her, but it gets tougher and tougher.

I thanked him. And acknowledged - how spot-on his response was! and that, I had recently learned about mother's trauma too. For which he said, yes, these are all chains of patterns, one generation experiencing it and carrying it forward to another and someone has to break those chains consciously by working on ourselves because we do not know what the previous generation have had experienced or dealt with.

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Mom was around and overheard the answer. She thought, I am complaining about her to them etc. But, with intention to not leave any space for mis-understandings, I later took her thru the whole insight about my question (I had asked in english) for which her emphasis and response was - Yes, you will have to correct it for yourself (by working on it) and it is normal that a child can take-up emotions of mothers, from her womb. 

I din't know what to say, I became detached and felt that I am scratching  my wound more and more with my own expectations.

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(Reminder to self - ✍ 💝 Carryon, with a little more gentleness and love, Tanu. Brrrreeeeathhhhh.....🫂)