Magnitude and the multitude

I needed an answer to my unexplained anxiety which I have been feeling since long but it has gotten too frequent these days. I feel as if my throat is chocked all day and swallowing feels a task, at times I have to induce vomiting so that I can feel a sense of ease in my throat or distract myself with 'The Great Indian Kapil show ', some peppy songs, at times hot chocolate or just gazing at the night sky and traces of moving clouds from my open terrace.

Sometimes it's funny, yet exhausting, to not be able to identify what we feel and gets even more complex if it's rather a flood of emotions, completely consuming the ease.

Many-a-times, there are these underlining deep and un-healed or even unattended hurt, trauma, that gets triggered with something so trivial and the source of such triggers go unnoticed. And sometimes it's the healing that is taking place with the surfacing deep stored feelings and thoughts.

Yes , it gets exhausting...not denying the heaviness and unhealthy sobs.

As always, Google search is my best buddy in such times; my friend in need. One who is available physically and emotionally, one that is considerate and non-judgmental...and offcourse so patient with me :)

I tried hard to settle down and do a quick check-in with self and what surprised me was the heaviness of defeat (probably) I am still carrying in my heart...the defeat of being Ghosted.

Probably my ego is wounded too and I am still in denial of that. I went ahead and searched on Google...

"Why do I feel anxious after being ghosted?

Ghosting takes away the opportunity to talk and process, which can allow healing. But without conversation, it can cause someone to question their worth, what they did wrong and [if] the person ever really like[d] them. This can lead to trauma and other severe emotions like depression or anxiety."

Why am I so upset about being ghosted?

"Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection," says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. "It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years

This then lead me to a cosmo blog which further dwelled into why any particular gender would ghost the other and different real-life scenarios from different age groups.

The new awareness from all this knowledge helped me make peace with myself but I am still far away from dealing with this multitude of Trauma and it can takeover anytime and leave me more damaged than I have been. It troubles me to the point that I ask myself over and over - Did I deserve this? ...and the self critique, agrees to it.

I am possibly also going thru a phase of victim mindset... but that's ok... atleast that is something familiar to me. 🤗

And I signoff with a self reminder...this too shall pass...Breath...be kind to yourself...

Traditional Bath powder

It was a Saturday morning and I was out for breakfast. Post Breakfast, I was strolling in a nearby shopping complex which is a great hub for all raw materials for art, craft, trailoring needs, dress and fabric cut pieces, Grandhige/ Pansari (religious and herbal items shop) and a few fast foods chains. My day was planned and had to meet a friend after a hour and a half, so I had brought a few dress for alterations which were long pending (~6 months)  and for some great reason, today was the day!

I was actually too early at the complex and shop owners were just starting their day. luckily, a tailor was available and I checked with him if he can help with the dresses alterations and to my surprise, he was super quick. I felt as if I have won a war! A feeling of great achievement after effortlessly completing this pending task.

I then thought to just go around the complex and do some window shopping. As I stepped in, I saw a Grandhige shop and I don't know for what reason, I remembered about a bath powder recipe that I had seen on YouTube.

The background is -  I have been trying to get one particular brand of herbal bath powder and the manufacturers were promising me false dates, I continue to wait and sometime a I forgot about it and the wait continued. One fine day, I even asked them if the business is down and if I can. Help in anyway as the product was really soul satisfying. After a few days, I gave up and in my frustration, I googled that particular brand and the method of preparing similar bath powder.

Luckily, I came across a video uploaded by someone from UK who was sharing this recipe of her grandmother who was originally from down south, India. My heart was convinced after hearing the ingredients list that this recipe is very close to what I was seeking. 

Then what! In my urge to resolve this bath powder issue, I stopped at the shop and with hesitation and dint want to disappoint the shopkeeper (as I was the first customer who is also considered auspicious and sets the vibes for that day's business for the Businessman, as per Indian belief), I asked a few raw materials from that list of "traditional bath powder recipe on YouTube".

Firstly I asked the shopkeeper if he has material for bath powder and as a ritual...some googley has to happen na!

His response was, yes mam which bath? - Tomato bath, vangi bath..etc etc. and I couldn't hold my laughter and laughingly told him it's bath (Snana in kannada) not any rice bath (kannada word for rice). Another Oldman, sitting with his head buried behind the newspaper also started to laugh 😂. For my sanity of mind, I assumed he was the shopkeeper father...

Well, the young chap at the shop was very supporting and was letting me define the quantity, play pause, revised the video numerous times to figure out each of the ingredients and their measurements and purpose and the kannada or common names for easy identification. He also offered me a pen and paper so I can note it down for my ease. I felt happy and home (probably I felt like being at my Bade Papa's grocery shop where we would go on special festivals to manage the overflowing customers).

I somehow gathered most of the raw items form him along with some Bheem saini camphor for my friend and some hand rolled cotton wicks for oil lamp for my home.

I would have easily spend close to 90 mins at that shop and my mind has already planned the next steps as soon as I reach back home.

My friend arrived and we both had lunch and departed. After returning home, I straight away rushed to the kitchen, pulled out a few large plates to dry the material in the sun, and sat with them in the hot...and spoke to mom, dad, aunt etc etc. I was surprised that the level of life infused in me the involvement I felt for this project that the scorching sun dint bother me and I was ok to be roasted along with the raw stuff !

Fast forward...after almost ~25 rounds of grinding different materials, seiving them with a broken seive 😪 and again fine grinding the granular ones....with messy kitchen slab, powder all around on floor and walls...I continues and reached the final phase of two bottles of powers one to store longer and one with legumes Powder that should be prepared for a short shelf life and to be mixed in the other herbal powder.

Anyways, the important aspect of all this exercise was that I was deeply present and involved, It was a level of ease and peace I felt after a long long long time and my every cell was joyous all through the process...as if I am in lap of Mother earth and her gifts are all I am using to make something earthy for myself. I felt so could do it again and again. i felt so alive..I never knew this version of myself and....

That night I slept peacefully and yes, the traditional herbal bath powder turned out to be the exact replica of what I was looking for❣️ (a little more self-love grew in me)

(Dated: 25th May 2024)