Parenting the parent with AI

I was preparing for a meeting with my manager and I see a few notifications on my WhatsApp, it was a voice note from Mom.  When I checked, it was deleted, I got another message and was deleted again; like that, thrice it happened and I could listen to one of it before it was deleted.

The message was filled with anger against Dad and  instructions to me that - I should stop supporting dad in his farming activities and Dad is less concerned about his other responsibilities towards family and kids and blah blah blah.

The funny part was that - a few mins back, I had wrapped up a stakeholder management training session. As a part of that exercise, I was mapping my family under relationships priority. 

But the note triggered me and I was uprooted from my calm space, internally. I could sense, a cramp in gut, fear, palpitations...more like my body senses some threat! Because I have had worked upon my trauma healing,  the awareness of  knowing and observing my feelings came handy and It protected me from jumping into and trying to own the fixation piece.

I distanced a bit, took a deep breath and reflected on mom's behaviour, her back and forth with messaging; trying to express or convey the message and then deleting it again spoke a lot about her vulnerable space and also her thoughtfulness (maybe) that I might be at work. 

My heart softened a bit for her then...and I was out of my fight, flight or freeze mode. 

I could see the root - 'Resentment in relationship' and it was between Mom and Dad.

Since, I was about to get into a meeting, I wanted to give some food for thought for mom and enable her or divert her intensity of that emotion...so I took help of Gemini. I prompted it to give me 10 questions for self reflection and to dissolve resentment, in Hindi language and it  gave :).

I copied and pasted it to Mom😀🙌 and entered the meeting with my manager! (He was running late). And a message popped-up! : 'Teri i baatein, mere dimag se Bahar hai baithak, jab Sudh Hindi Mein baat karungi'  (Meaning: you are too philosophical and I don't understand the level of your talks, will sit and talk in clear Hindi !)

The message was verbally a bit strong disrespect for me but familiar and I burts out laughing and excused myself in the meeting and told my manager that I am being fired by my mom after my parents had some arguments! He was surprised and was smiling 😊.

We then continued the meeting & wrapped it in 20 mins.

After that, I called up mom because I knew she needed someone to lend an ear and allow her to vent. I then narrated the story of my meeting and my boss's expression to her and she felt shy and laughed 😀😀🥹. At that moment I knew the situation is a bit diluted. I loved her tender heart that melts so easily, unlike me! :).

The whole point I was trying to convey and bring was the authenticity of my life and contrast! That I feel I am a valued member of my team, at work and can command things but the same moment if Mom sends a message, my world is on a different triggered space....I feel the most vulnerable etc.

I later told her, I am heading for lunch and will chat later, she too shifted the topic to her meals and what she cooked today.

The next step was to speak to Dad to whom, I had sent the same Prompts and funny enough, he hasn't seen it yet! Phew!

I called him after my lunch and spoke for thirty mins explaining him that he needs to give more time to mom, Make her feel she is precious and important and learn to communicate his own challanges and not always feel the need to prove or be the victim...

We both signed off on a smily note. And my heart was at peace. 

Lesson learned: Not all problems are mine to solve and life is a passing reality, can be laughed at.

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Thank you God 🙏💕.

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The prompts :

गहरी नाराज़गी की जड़ तक पहुँचने के लिए 10 सवाल (10 Prompts to Get to the Root of Deep Resentment)

गहरी नाराज़गी को समझना और उसे दूर करना एक संवेदनशील प्रक्रिया है। इन सवालों का उपयोग आप अपने साथी के साथ एक खुले और ईमानदार संवाद के लिए कर सकते हैं, ताकि नाराज़गी की असली वजह सामने आ सके।

ये रहे 10 सवाल, जो आपको इस गहरी नाराज़गी की जड़ तक पहुँचने में मदद करेंगे:

"आपको लगता है कि हमारे रिश्ते में ऐसा क्या हुआ जिसने हम दोनों के बीच यह दूरी बना दी है? क्या आप उस पल को याद कर सकते हैं जब आपको पहली बार यह एहसास हुआ?"

(Focus: Identifying the initial event/turning point)

"मेरी कौन-सी हरकत (Action) या बात (Words) आपको सबसे ज़्यादा चुभती है और क्यों? क्या आपको लगता है कि मैं अनजाने में आपको नुकसान पहुँचा रहा/रही हूँ?"

(Focus: Pinpointing specific hurtful behaviors/words)

"जब आपको मेरी किसी बात पर नाराज़गी होती है, तो आपके मन में मेरे बारे में क्या विचार आते हैं? क्या आप मुझे अन्यायी (Unfair) या लापरवाह (Careless) मानते हैं?"

(Focus: Uncovering the underlying beliefs/perceptions about the other person)

"आपकी नज़र में, मैंने कौन-सा वादा तोड़ा है या कौन-सी ज़रूरत (Need) पूरी नहीं की है, जिसकी वजह से आपको लगता है कि मैं आपके लिए भरोसेमंद नहीं हूँ?"

(Focus: Identifying broken trusts or unmet needs)

"इस नाराज़गी के कारण आप हमारे रिश्ते से क्या उम्मीदें रखना छोड़ चुके हैं? अब आपको क्या लगता है कि बदलना असंभव है?"

(Focus: Exploring lost hope and pessimism about the relationship's future)

"जब हम किसी बात पर असहमत होते हैं, तो क्या आपको लगता है कि आपकी बात को सुना या महत्व नहीं दिया जा रहा है? किस तरह की स्वीकृति (Validation) आप मुझसे चाहते हैं?"

(Focus: The feeling of being unheard or invalidated)

"क्या यह नाराज़गी सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए है, या क्या यह पुरानी किसी चोट या किसी पिछले अनुभव (Past Experience) से भी जुड़ी हुई है? आप इसे कैसे देखते हैं?"

(Focus: Distinguishing between current issue and past trauma projection)

"आप गुस्से और नाराज़गी के बीच क्या अंतर देखते हैं? आप अक्सर किस भावना (Emotion) को दबाने की कोशिश करते हैं जो इस नाराज़गी के रूप में बाहर आती है?"

(Focus: Differentiating deep resentment from surface anger and exploring suppressed emotions)

"अगर हमारी नाराज़गी जादू से खत्म हो जाए, तो हमारे रिश्ते में सबसे बड़ा बदलाव (Change) क्या आएगा? आप कैसा महसूस करना चाहेंगे?"

(Focus: Vision for the future and desired emotional state)

"आज, आप ईमानदारी से क्या मानते हैं कि मैं क्या अलग कर सकता/सकती हूँ जिससे आपको यह भरोसा हो जाए कि मैं आपके दर्द को समझता/समझती हूँ और इसे ठीक करना चाहता/चाहती हूँ?"

(Focus: Identifying specific, actionable steps for repair and reconciliation)

Dream hat-trick!

Dream Day 2 : Horses 

The scene is of some europian country where I was visiting a horse stable and I was in a rush to catch a train. I was standing infront of a glass wall, sealed with wooden rim all over and behind it was my beloved wheatish horse, full of furr and a sturdy body. The horse recognised me and before I leave I so dearly wanted to touch the forehead and the nose bridge of the horse to just assure it if my love for it and I couldn't....and we locked eyes and communicated a great deal.

Next, I see myself on a classic wooden train with large square window which gave a beautiful view of the vast green endless landscape. The train was now moving fast but it all felt so smooth as there was no sound inside it and only the changing terrain of landscape would make one realize it's movement. After a point, what I see is something emerging on my window from it's left edge, from where I was sitting...and I couldn't believe what I saw! It was a herd of those horses galloping and following me with their mane & forelocks (hairs on neck and between ears) wavering! I couldn't believe my eyes and after a while, it hit me that they all broke free from the stable! I was touched with the love we felt of each other and I saw the whole bunch coming to see me off....I gently stroked my window glass as if I am telling my horse that I see you and your efforts to make me feel loved and I acknowledge your love. 💕 I thanked them in my heart.

And I wokeup.

Dream Day 3 - War Elephant's orderly Marching

I am meeting a person with whom I had to collect or handover something (I forgot the person and the context). I greeted that individual as if we both were very familiar with eachother and I said Finally we get to meet!

He pointed towards a car where we both boarded at the back seat. The whole environment of my dream was with a yellowish light creating a warm environment....and as the car took a U turn, to move in the left of the road, what I see is the quiet marching of war elephants, each with some tool led to it and they were all marching with beautiful precision in the toop, and aa straight line.

I was surprised to see that disciple and order and asked the other person in car, are we (the country men) are preparing for war?...and he nodded in agreement and I said, yup, was ment to happen...

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