Heard that mock drill announcements are out. I tell myself - now that mock drill is here, war is not far from a realty....
And sitting here, I remember my family, my parent, then zoom-out and return to my current space. Actually, a few mins back I was busy searching a wooden shoe rack with locker, online. This one task, I have been postponing since long....
But today, I went ahead to the extent that I even thought of hiring a carpenter, get a custom built shoe rack with my own design. I guess it's the urge in me to create something, experience the long lost expression of creative indulgence, in some way more personal and purely for self. And to my surprise, I was troughly enjoying it, was even discussing it with my neighbour. We talked about the material finish i.e. wood color, the lockers, pannel design, capacity, mounting etc
The news of drill pushed me to reflect hard on my life and ask - what else and what all have I been pushing away? Knowingly, unknowingly or even because of the deep seated belief - I don't deserve it.
This also leads me to a conversation that took place between me and my manager over lunch, today and he was asking about my recent break/ time off. At one point I was explaining him that the summers were at it's peak and I had to take a bus and travel for ~4hrs 30mins, after flying for ~90 mins and that those buses looks like government buses inspite of it being operated by private vendors. He patiently heard me and simply asked me - but why don't you then hire a car, is it not available?. For a micro second, I went silent and later respond - one way taxies are expensive.
He (with a brief tsking) - yeah, but that's ok once in a while....isn't it?
Later, in the day, while in my cab, returning back from work, I wondered why is it that it never occurred to me or why is it that I never looked for bringing ease to my life? Not just in this case alone, but in various aspects...
I feel, I know the answer but I am deeply paranoid to face that truth and accept it for myself; rather feel comfortable and safe beneath the confrontation.
Well, I started with the National mock drill told and got derailed with my thoughts but all I now reflect...what all I would have wished I did, if this was supposed to be my last...
- Taken life and myself less seriously.
- Danced more and more joyfully.
- Planted more trees and grown forests.
- Never held myself responsible for meaningless stuff i.e. for other's mistakes, pains, troubles, even that of my parents etc.
- Would have spent unapologetically on myself too, along with bringing or attempting to bring ease to my family.
- Acted in threater plays.
- Painted more often, by the sea or a river.
- Lived more wholistically, surrounded with my people and family.... provided I would have felt safe and understood...else would have had my own family.
- Loads of friends, gatherings and meaningful conversations along with required amount of 'Me' time.
- Would have lived amidst woods and worked in any creative industry which could have paid me well and nurtured my creativity....or else, I would have owned one/ multiple business, myself.
- Would have written loads of letters to my loved ones, strangers & friends etc...sharing how my life is magic because of their presence.
- Forgiven self more freely.
- Setup a pottary studio and gone wild and fluid with my experiments with the designs, colors, baking etc
- Would have been more loving, kind and playful.
- Would have owned an animal sanctuary too...
- Invested time with scientists to develop better engineering for agriculture in India and run projects to educate villagers on the importance of plastic free living, women wellfare and emotional wellbeing.
