It has been a long time since I took time to journal, and I was deeply aware of the need to journal. I was able to clearly observe my triggers and reactions—be it something or someone at work, a story I was reading, a remark, or what I perceived it as when I was associating for business. Be it at the gym... where it has just been two days since I joined, and if I'm unable to complete the reps due to exhaustion, I would judge myself.
And some days, or say most days, I struggle to make even basic decisions because I get into an endless loop of comparison, of low self-esteem. Managing this deprives me of my emotional well-being and my energy. And most of the time, I've realized that I wait until the very last moment for anything to fall apart, only after which will I accept my limitations or my own needs.
As such, when I look at my life, or say my days, it all feels and is blessed—simply blessed :P (There is a small square wooden frame with all four corners decorated with another thin layer of wooden cutout which looks more like a pattern from Indian motif design, and the central empty part has these words written in beautiful fonts - "Simple Blessed." This works as a reminder for me to be aware of the blessings and be grateful.)
The problem is not just the triggers, but the Awareness!—everything that is happening to me in my being: the waves of emotions I experience, the thoughts that creep up, the memories that I live in or have lived for most of my life, my reactions to those triggers, and the realizations that it's too late to amend anything, and then the loop of shame, unworthiness, etc.
As of today, I am in a much better space with being my own advocate and putting those unhealthy voices, beliefs, habits, and patterns to rest. I won't say I have come ashore, but I now know how to swim with it... taking pauses where and when I need to, allowing acceptance for everything that life is for me as of today, including for the disagreements, denials, delusions, boundaries, insecurities, and sometimes the crashing down. I am also seeing that my body isn't okay with such breakdowns and in a way is saying, "Enough!"... and I accept that too. On those days, I help myself with some pure dark hot chocolate that eases my nerves. Its aroma kindles my tender heart and gives me a sense of ease that I can be me, much like how a baby senses the love expressed towards it. And lastly, on such days, it puts me to sleep effortlessly.
A few days back, I came across another enlightening video, and every word of it touched the deep roots of my own system: "She Let Go and Glowed Up | Dr Joe Dispenza Motivational Video. "
To be very frank, I don't even know what it is that I need to let go... anymore. But sometimes, this is where it starts: the body keeps a track; it speaks louder and clearer when our eyes fail to notice. I would feel choked in my throat, at times tears would appear and flow non-stop. Some days I would stay asleep for long hours; most of such days, I would wake up with my heart panting, palpitations... for no visible reason. Some days just running late would trigger me, or a question from a dear one. Sometimes, I would struggle to accept others' behavior because I never allowed myself that space to freely express or experience, and that would create an internal conflict... until time takes that time to fade it away.
I have had events where, after a long time—say decades—I mustered the courage and learned to express and call out that which was hurting me and STOP being a good girl! Be it friendships, love/trauma bonds, work partnerships, social circles—everywhere. There was a point I started to see fault in everything and everyone and felt I needed to clean it all off. As if my being, which was trapped behind this "good girl's image," finally awakened, emanating the deep longing and yearning for freedom of expression and the courage to stand with herself... to allow the space to be wrong and make mistakes... to let loose... breathe, and let go, without the fear of feeling abandoned, of isolation, of the heaviness that unknowingly she carried in her heart for broken and distanced relationships, or even for being overly involved in any.
Hence, the Awareness weighs heavy! But it is also the way forward... one word at a time, one journal at a time, one comforting thought at a time, one action at a time, one courage, one confidence, one moment of self-trust, one moment of letting go—and thus, this goes on...
I was surprised to see how far I've come. This morning I felt a bit overwhelmed and was, as usual, ahead of my body in my mind, and wasn't able to feel at ease. But then, I took my office diary and started to dump everything that was there to attend to... the list went on and on, but I was starting to feel lighter. At one point, an urge sparked with the most innocent ask: "What is it that brings me joy?" "Let me list that too!" I felt like hugging myself at this victory!! (I know how funny and maybe foolish that sounds... but when one lives in duality, this is a reality) :) ...and I am my own reality today.
