Thursday, May 17, 2018

That which reminds me of My Blessed Childhood.

Was shocked to see that it's been almost five months that I got back to my blogging canvas!...Feels like a terrible loss. But when I do the RCA ('Root Cause Analysis'....Yay! MBA lingo :P)

Nonetheless it feels so nice to be back and going. Yes, 'Going' in the sense that there were days when I want to write and write and write so much but thoughts were so dynamic that it was hard for me to really motivate myself to give it a shot.

In the recent past I have realized something about me - the Blogger or writer in me. It is in its best form and highly enthusiast if
- I have been on a long train journey that too having a window seat.
- Have been for a evening walk.
- Had a very productive and meaningful day. When I have been of some service to someone.
- Last, If i have been deeply feeling homesick, missing Mom, Feeling over joyed or Hurt. Yes, Now-a-days I get hurt very often and on smallest of things or words or with people. Seems like a wound within has never healed.

Well, what brought me back here was the strong sense of belonging...of being some help to my neighbor aunt who went through some surgery to get a the surgical thread removed from her stomach that was used a few years back when she delivered her second child.
(Do you remember this??)

I had offered to cook breakfast for her the next day and after realizing that I do not have enough ingredients for a healthy breakfast....I thought of taking a walk to the nearby grocery store. While walking I was thinking if My mom was here she could have just cared so much ....and  what would have she cooked to heal the body. This thought took me back to several instances where I am more than grateful for being a daughter of such kind and generous parents.

Let me recollect the instances here feels so so so good.

  • During summers in central part of India, I was prone to get heat rash/ prickly heat....My mom would fight my Dad and convince her to send me to my maternal parents home as they had cooler and it would be better for me. 
  • Once when I was under chicken-pox, My mom observed a fast and went to temple every day for a few (specific no. of days).....I don't know if I really deserved so much of love.I have always been a rebellious kid/ adult as I was and I am more of a heart person (feelings matters most) than that of Mind (thoughts) and this contradicted with mine and Moms beliefs.
  • I heard that My Mom missed her elder brother's wedding just because she din't want it to be a trouble for her new born - me.
  • Maa is at one moment fuming with anger and the other moment she is just as cool as the shade of a blooming tree.
  • During summer, I was spoiled for choices and the carefree messiness...specially the way we use to eat fruits and juicy mangoes.
  • I was a free it what I feel, say, express or do!. I would play in the cozy corner of the garden which my Grandfather (Babuji) use to look after and would tie a rope around a hefty tree called 'Elephant Leg' and the window of Grandpa's room. Would feel so proud of my own little Hammock and being surrounded by the chirpy birds.
  • Most of the time I will be involved in deep introspection about something or the other...Primarily Life, people, Instances and the magical Sky with its Sun Moon & Stars.
  • Days when my Grandma (Bai) would read an article from the news paper and help me instill good thoughts and moral values.
  • Days when I am dead scared of exams and my aunt (Badi mom) will stay-up all night long with me and be a pillar of my strength.
  • Evenings when my uncle (dad's elder Brother) would bring us chocolates/ dry fruits and throw them in air for all of us (siblings) to catch.
  • Festivals, specially Diwali where we would be all dressed so well and go and meet neighbors, exchange festive food, seek blessings, make Rangolies and have a unannounced competition :) 
  • The very air, the trees, those morning bells from a nearby temple, those school days, the yum and soul satisfying food at home and at friends or cousin's home.
  • Another aunt who use to help me with my love for curly hairs.
  • Our house helps who were more or less our extended family who use to give us oil massages, do various beautiful hairstyles, cook whatever we ask for.
  • That designer dresses which we use to give designs and get them stitched.
  • The most awaited "birthdays and Gift from Mom & Dad"
  • And much more ............will take a stock some other day .
Above all - 'The intact innocence', 'The Go-getter life' and Pure LOVE that I have been blessed with.

Monday, December 25, 2017

When we rise above the reasons...

Image Source
When we rise above the reasons...
The monotony of the seasons...
Of gruesome complusions, 
We, then rise fearlessly in compassion.

When we rise above the reasons...
Reasons to meet...
Reasons to forgive...
Reasons to grief.....
We then rise fearlessly in compassion.

When we rise above the reasons...
Of the beliefs,
deeply held for the self...
for those, which are of no help,
We then rise fearlessly in compassion.

When we rise above the reasons...
That defines you and me,
Of 'why me?'
Of how can they be?..
We, then walk the smallest mile  - The purest of the smile...That of blind eyes but that of togetherness held tight!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

When thinking speed is beyond need to Write !

As I am writing this (& also perusing Ops. Management) I realized how the factory of mind wire all the thoughts which is a never ending process unless there comes a point when we realize that we have been day dreaming for almost a a day. Not sure if I am at a different phase of my life where the situations have made me be more closer and attentive to my thoughts and find a soothing sense of companionship; or many people go through this.

Nevertheless I will not hesitate admitting that at times I do feel lonely, I terribly miss home, I miss mom, I constantly judge myself from the perspective of a relationship gone wrong, from a Hurt mom and at times a Dad, a Boss, a colleague, any and everyone who I feel is better than me in all possible ways. I choke when I feel this, I cry ..cry hard, I question myself, I pity myself, I miss a Friend by my-side, I miss the Dreamer - ME.  But in the whole uncontrollable upside down process; I hurt my self confidence. I miss to see the beauty of life, the continuity, the Charm.

This also made me realize that there were days when weekends were most awaited and now its something that's most dreaded. When awaited, it meant fun time with friends, long morning walks to un-destined places, cleaning house, making cards, dreaming and dreaming more and working on a plan to infuse life in those dreams and welcome them to my life. Suddenly I see my mind shifted gears and I started to think about the culprit - Weekend! how everything gets pushed to that corner of week as if the weekdays doesn't exist, as if they don't matter even though they fill the large part of our weeks.
I wonder when is that I started to know Weekends as it was not something taught to us from childhood nor we saw this being followed in the family.

I remembered that when I started to work, I was aspiring to become a Graphic Designer, my heart and soul lived for it, breathed that but I could hardly make money out of it or say just by that alone.

By God's grace, I switched jobs and started to earn...that earning felt good as it helped me overcome the dent of financial crunch but later began to suffocate me, it felt as if I was made of Ice, suitable for peak winters but was made to live near the equator :(. But that's when I was introduced to 'Weekends'.

I sometimes feel that we just need to read an extra chapter on 'Keep going/ Motivational thoughts' and start again! as it is rightly said :

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”

-Arthur Ashe


“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
-Steve Jobs

and with this I would want to leave you with your thoughts. But before I signoff, I want you to know that not everything in life is explainable, go with only the tune that your heart wake's-up to, Trust that life is good for all whom you love and who love you. Shed the grudges, feel pure love and above all respect !! - the self and the other. Take good care of your thoughts and yourself!

Monday, March 13, 2017

Moon Delight

खामोश सी मद्धम चांदनी रात थी,
देर रात लौटे पिक्चर से...
भूक में पार्सल के कचोरी साथ थी,
घर के दरवाज़े पे पहुंचे, सोचा...
क्यों न दो सीढ़ी और ऊपर चढ़े
आसमा की खुली बाहों में
चाँद की मद्धम चांदनी तले
चाँद को भी था invite
But, भूक मे जाने कब ख़तम हुई सारी bite

बस उठने को हुए थे हम
की चाँद ने बादलों के पर्दो से ली अंगड़ाई
रोशन होगयी छत हमारी
जैसे चांदनी भागकर हमें रोकने को आयी
हम अपने एहसास को बयां नहीं कर पाए...
बस give-up कर बैठे चाँद की चांदनी को

उस बोझल पल में ,
ओझल मन से  हम चाँद को एकटक निहारते रहे
धीरे-धीरे न जाने कब सारे बदल छट गए
बस एक मैं और चाँद एकदूसरे को तक रहे
लगा जैसे वो मुस्कुरा रहा हो
 कह रहा हो... अभी तो रोशन हुआ है ये पल
कुछ न कहो बस बैठी रहो मेरे संग <3


हक़ीक़त में - देने को कुछ नहीं हमारे पास..
हकीक़तें कभी-कभी 'दीवारें' बना जाती है।

लम्हें - जो एक एहसास छोड़ जाते...
उनमे से कुछ बाटें तेरे साथ।
हो सके तो संजोके रखलेना उन्हें...
वो साथ निभाएंगे।

फिर कभी मेरे होने न होने का ख्याल न होगा
वो बीते लम्हे तेरी हकीक़त बन जाऐंगे।

हमसे न पूछो - क्या करेंगे हम ?
जबसे होश संभाले - हर हकीक़त में कुछ लम्हों के महफ़िल सजाएं है.
आज शब्द भी कम लग रहे कुछ कमियां बयां करने को.... 

हक़ीक़त में - देने को कुछ नहीं हमारे पास..
हकीक़तें कभी-कभी 'दीवारें' बना जाती है।

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Battles of "Odds" in the "Even" of my life

A constant self talk was bothering me deeply so I tried to distract myself by dialing a friend and the call was not answered. I was hopeful that I will be meeting another friend but turned-out that the meeting is not happening. In mid's of all this I got a call from my sister and she was sharing the updates from all the alliances for her that the family had met and her view on it.

After the call was done, I kept myself busy with cooking lunch, washing off my hairs as I had applied henna, also in the meantime went to bring curds and milk, called-up a neighbor's kid to have lunch with me ...she was so generous to accept my proposal even though she had already finished her lunch. (A instance I am grateful for).

Well by this time.... all these random thoughts had taken over me with a deep underlined question to be answered "what is it that I want in my life?", why is that I am making it so hard upon myself?, Am I really happy or have I lost myself in mids of proving my point to the word or people who matter to me but din't know that it will loose its importance over time but cannot be rooted out from me as I have lived it with all of my wits and guts, with all of my heart and aliveness.

Amidst all this I sometime question why is that God has left me with no choice...and I ended up writing this blog. While I write I struggle to choose words to express the exact feeling I am going through. At certain instances I choke and at times all I seek is just a tight warm hug that is not judged, not planned but just-in-time to ensure that there is a bigger and better plan for me and I am on the right path.

Well, realizing that I was about to tread the path of thoughts and loose the the flow of writing  I pulled it back started to jot the following, which  might help me clear my mind.

Questions or thoughts my brain was constantly made aware of :

1. Why is that I am allergic to "a deadline" be it in case of completing a assignment, be it I am told that I are crossing the marriageable age, you have to have a plan to action...etc.
I really don't know how many of us really go through this and if I know I may feel that I belong somewhere and have some peace of heart but I know that this fight is at individual & core level and
needed to be fought by none other than 'ME'.

2. Why is that I undervalue myself every time, for every single reason I get for all that I have chosen for myself (tangible or intangible)?
To some extent I feel that I am an old soul in a young brain. The heart has a different pace and mind is totally mindless about anything pertaining to me or at times too cautious. I live with a heart of a child which is highly vulnerable and has taken its share of beating but in the battle lost a bit of courage...courage to dream & desire, to let go and be back on toes, to seek, and beyond all - to Accept. Accept myself as who I am, take command of choices I make rather than anyone telling me to do so and I halfheartedly do so and loose in the long run.

3. Why is that I don't like to make choices?
As I was writing the second last line above, I realized that making choices is something I deeply hate or say I feel is useless because there is a special whisper that the heart makes when there is anything or anyone your heart approves off. Nonetheless its not always about liking or disliking, it's in a way conveying 'No'..or saying 'I have never considered that perspective'...or saying 'I believe whatever may come my way I will accept it as - sent from the savior above' and can also mean that I do not like to get into this win & loose game.

4. Why is that I cry a lot? if I have tankers of tears loaded.
This has been the question not just from me but everyone who had ever had the unfortunate or fortunate time to spend with me and in that time I happen to be emotionally low. I have been seeking this answer since my childhood when I use to cry and feel sorry for the wet and squeezed pillow and puffy eyes, the enormous fear that mom will scold or hit me because I cannot give her reason as to why I am crying...poor she :((a badly troubled mother). I cry when I feel the pain which others might be going through, I cry when my sensitivity is triggered but I see world is slowly loosing it. I cry when I feel pity for a kid when I see their twinkling eyes, a heart-kindling smile but shabby heart bleeds when I dare to ask myself what is it that future holds for them?.I cry when old age takes a toll on helpless humans....when the shine in their eye dims but the steps continue to take its course as to feed the empty stomach, to complete a promise made to someone back home. I cry to certain voices in few particular songs (Nahi samne tu from Taal, Heer heer - Jab tak hai jaan, Yaadein yaad aati hai - Yaadein ) when word that resonate with few feelings. It feels as if I am born with a half heart, the other half is somewhere else and that's where I belong but haven't yet found it.

4. Why is that I am living a masked life professionally?
I remember, when I passed my 12th exam, I had two criteria s : 1st - I wanted to go for a course which no-one was choosing from my class and 2nd that it shouldn't be a burden on my Dad financially. I had written Architectural entrance exam and later got to know that I had scored well but by then had already taken counselling from few Multimedia centers and in the euphoria moment - when I saw a sample packaging design at one of the institutes I had already made-up my mind that I want to go for Multimedia - Graphic designing to be specific.

When I started off...there was no secondary classification of time of  life - as personal or professional.  I loved to be engrossed in it ...with every single tool I master, I use to feel a thrill!! took a different course when I came to Bangalore to peruse my dreams. I shifted gears to meet the demand of the time at every stage and now I am realizing that in doing so...I lost the focus.

('want' can be read as 'wanted' Grammatically but I want to infuse life in thoughts I hold for the Deeply rooted dreams)

  1. I deeply want to be in Theaters performing and living the performance. 
  2. I want to sing in chorus.
  3. I want to travel world, meet new people, explore and experience love filled and warm cultures.
  4. I want to have my family conveniently close to me anywhere I go.
  5. I want to be more passionate about healthy living.
  6. I want to draw, sketch live.
  7. I want to lighten my heart by expressing and exploring the enough creative genes I have been blessed with.
Off course - Money needed should be taken-care off.

Thanks and loads of love to myself for taking this time to indulge in the self, to beat the odds of fear and ill thoughts and just hold on to that anxiety, the heart ache, was all worth it!.

I definitely want to write a book! :)    

Saturday, February 4, 2017

दर्द एक कुआँ हैं

दर्द एक कुआँ हैं ,
झांको तो दुआ है,
ढूँढ़ो तो धुआँ है।

जाने कैसी ये सच्चाई है -
दर्द से एहसासों की गहराई है,
खुशियाँ तो उड़ते परिंदे हैं
दर्द में बस्ते जिनके घरौंदे हैं।

अनजान इस जहान में,
मूक ख़यालों के बयान में,
अखियों से बरसते वो मोती,
निभाते दर्द से अपनी दोस्ती।

आशाएं जब जन्म लेती,
नयी दिशाओं का सैलाब सा लाती।
दर्द को कर रुख्सत,
नयी उमंग जगती।