Sunday, March 5, 2017

Battles of "Odds" in the "Even" of my life

A constant self talk was bothering me deeply so I tried to distract myself by dialing a friend and the call was not answered. I was hopeful that I will be meeting another friend but turned-out that the meeting is not happening. In mid's of all this I got a call from my sister and she was sharing the updates from all the alliances for her that the family had met and her view on it.

After the call was done, I kept myself busy with cooking lunch, washing off my hairs as I had applied henna, also in the meantime went to bring curds and milk, called-up a neighbor's kid to have lunch with me ...she was so generous to accept my proposal even though she had already finished her lunch. (A instance I am grateful for).

Well by this time.... all these random thoughts had taken over me with a deep underlined question to be answered "what is it that I want in my life?", why is that I am making it so hard upon myself?, Am I really happy or have I lost myself in mids of proving my point to the word or people who matter to me but din't know that it will loose its importance over time but cannot be rooted out from me as I have lived it with all of my wits and guts, with all of my heart and aliveness.

Amidst all this I sometime question why is that God has left me with no choice...and I ended up writing this blog. While I write I struggle to choose words to express the exact feeling I am going through. At certain instances I choke and at times all I seek is just a tight warm hug that is not judged, not planned but just-in-time to ensure that there is a bigger and better plan for me and I am on the right path.

Well, realizing that I was about to tread the path of thoughts and loose the the flow of writing  I pulled it back started to jot the following, which  might help me clear my mind.

Questions or thoughts my brain was constantly made aware of :

1. Why is that I am allergic to "a deadline" be it in case of completing a assignment, be it I am told that I are crossing the marriageable age, you have to have a plan to action...etc.
I really don't know how many of us really go through this and if I know I may feel that I belong somewhere and have some peace of heart but I know that this fight is at individual & core level and
needed to be fought by none other than 'ME'.

2. Why is that I undervalue myself every time, for every single reason I get for all that I have chosen for myself (tangible or intangible)?
To some extent I feel that I am an old soul in a young brain. The heart has a different pace and mind is totally mindless about anything pertaining to me or at times too cautious. I live with a heart of a child which is highly vulnerable and has taken its share of beating but in the battle lost a bit of courage...courage to dream & desire, to let go and be back on toes, to seek, and beyond all - to Accept. Accept myself as who I am, take command of choices I make rather than anyone telling me to do so and I halfheartedly do so and loose in the long run.

3. Why is that I don't like to make choices?
As I was writing the second last line above, I realized that making choices is something I deeply hate or say I feel is useless because there is a special whisper that the heart makes when there is anything or anyone your heart approves off. Nonetheless its not always about liking or disliking, it's in a way conveying 'No'..or saying 'I have never considered that perspective'...or saying 'I believe whatever may come my way I will accept it as - sent from the savior above' and can also mean that I do not like to get into this win & loose game.

4. Why is that I cry a lot? if I have tankers of tears loaded.
This has been the question not just from me but everyone who had ever had the unfortunate or fortunate time to spend with me and in that time I happen to be emotionally low. I have been seeking this answer since my childhood when I use to cry and feel sorry for the wet and squeezed pillow and puffy eyes, the enormous fear that mom will scold or hit me because I cannot give her reason as to why I am crying...poor she :((a badly troubled mother). I cry when I feel the pain which others might be going through, I cry when my sensitivity is triggered but I see world is slowly loosing it. I cry when I feel pity for a kid when I see their twinkling eyes, a heart-kindling smile but shabby heart bleeds when I dare to ask myself what is it that future holds for them?.I cry when old age takes a toll on helpless humans....when the shine in their eye dims but the steps continue to take its course as to feed the empty stomach, to complete a promise made to someone back home. I cry to certain voices in few particular songs (Nahi samne tu from Taal, Heer heer - Jab tak hai jaan, Yaadein yaad aati hai - Yaadein ) when word that resonate with few feelings. It feels as if I am born with a half heart, the other half is somewhere else and that's where I belong but haven't yet found it.

4. Why is that I am living a masked life professionally?
I remember, when I passed my 12th exam, I had two criteria s : 1st - I wanted to go for a course which no-one was choosing from my class and 2nd that it shouldn't be a burden on my Dad financially. I had written Architectural entrance exam and later got to know that I had scored well but by then had already taken counselling from few Multimedia centers and in the euphoria moment - when I saw a sample packaging design at one of the institutes I had already made-up my mind that I want to go for Multimedia - Graphic designing to be specific.

When I started off...there was no secondary classification of time of  life - as personal or professional.  I loved to be engrossed in it ...with every single tool I master, I use to feel a thrill!! took a different course when I came to Bangalore to peruse my dreams. I shifted gears to meet the demand of the time at every stage and now I am realizing that in doing so...I lost the focus.

('want' can be read as 'wanted' Grammatically but I want to infuse life in thoughts I hold for the Deeply rooted dreams)

  1. I deeply want to be in Theaters performing and living the performance. 
  2. I want to sing in chorus.
  3. I want to travel world, meet new people, explore and experience love filled and warm cultures.
  4. I want to have my family conveniently close to me anywhere I go.
  5. I want to be more passionate about healthy living.
  6. I want to draw, sketch live.
  7. I want to lighten my heart by expressing and exploring the enough creative genes I have been blessed with.
Off course - Money needed should be taken-care off.

Thanks and loads of love to myself for taking this time to indulge in the self, to beat the odds of fear and ill thoughts and just hold on to that anxiety, the heart ache, was all worth it!.

I definitely want to write a book! :)    

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